Drunkblogging Films (TAKING REQUESTS)

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that was a surprisingly flat movie for drunkblogging

you need a greater collection of humorously baffling things happening on screen. that movie was kind of completely devoid of substance

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yeah.

pretty much everyone died.

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poor writing.

taking requests for the next movie.

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mother of god

yes

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I abused my powers to move the Southland liveblog to this thread.

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tonight:


I'm already hard

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I'm pretty wide open, did you want to participate?

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Let's say 9pm

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gamma...you ready?

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oh god, attack of the ads

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so the ads for this video are about a guy shaving his balls

how fitting

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and so it begins

as if it's some kind of grainy handheld home video about midgets playing basketball.

the camera starts at like, normal level so I can only assume that some normally-sized person is filming this. who would film that and why?

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I mean, it's a special kind of cruel for a normal person to film midgets failing at a height-centric activity

I am so excited for Dennis Rodman to be some kind of reverse midget Uncle Tom of basketball

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this song is FUNKY, like 1990s pseudojamaican hiphop funky, which I guess means it's just embarrassing

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HOLY SHIT, THIS VIDEO WAS EDITED IN WINDOWS MOVIE MAKER

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midget trash talking, love it

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"dwarves! not midgets!"

I'm pretty sure the preferred term is little people

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so those white street toughs showed up just to bully some midgets?

also HOLY SHIT FUNKY MUSIC BACKGROUND TO TICKLING BALLS WITH A PALM FROND

KINKY

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I swear to god the transitional scenes are from The Real World

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they picked an actress who had a squeeky midget voice. must have been quite a casting call.

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dude she LITERALLY patted him on the head while rubbing the fact that she has a normally-sized boyfriend in his face

people in this strange anti-willow universe are dicks

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it seems like in the universe of this movie there's a lot more of a bias against midgets than in reality. I mean, I've known some midgets IRL, they were pretty cool people I guess.

AND AGAIN WITH THE BALL SHAVING.

these commercials are great

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so that last exchange answered one of my questions going into this movie, which was is dennis rodman going to be playing a generic basketball guru or himself.

I don't know what makes me more excited

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kid, if Dennis Rodman shows up at your school YOU GO. Dennis Rodman is amazing.

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this is kind of a side-note, but the blocking in this movie is actually pretty good in that every little detail is set up in such a way as to be insulting to its subject matter

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although just a LITTLE insulting

heh heh heh heh heh

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the midgets sitting at their cube desks are fucking PRECIOUS

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what are you TALKING about

give me more exposition

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ok, so this script is actually genius

if this hadn't been shot with a single handheld and edited in microsoft fucking paint it would be a comedic masterpiece

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there should be more scenes in movies that start with a midget spraying water at the camera

midget spit take is great

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unpopular opinion: this film has a great soundtrack

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it's like if the Django soundtrack had sex with Hampsterdance

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OH GOD

THEY KEEP SAYING STAND UP

THEY JUST KEEP SAYING IT

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so I thought initially that she was telling him that what he was saying was inappropriate, but she was literally giving him each line

what was the purpose of that scene?

oh to establish that Rodman only cares about money

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TIME TO SHAVE MY BALLS AGAIN

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I think Rodman would legit be all over this if it came up IRL

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although to be fair it'd probably be because he wanted to fuck a midget

let's be real, that's the only real reason any of us would

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I mean, it's a pretty small request

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this actress was given the direction "make ridiculous faces"

and she has succeeded wildly

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she does have a pretty fabulous personality

also I would bang her

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this movie must have had the greatest casting call in the history of casting calls

and AGAIN with the TRW transitions

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oh my god

rodman and this checkered-suit executive filmed this scene separately. they're not even remotely in the same room

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how do you not know what they're calleD? they're called MIDGETS dude

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top down half-second transition

classic

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mini me is a great character. he just wants to be taller.

also of COURSE the black midget is the tallest

dick joke in 10-9-8...

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dude this script. the puns.

I can't handle it

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I swear to god all of his scenes were filmed separately and spliced in

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so they're setting up a character arc where DENNIS FUCKING RODMAN learns that money isn't everything

it's like they consciously tried to figure out who the least convincing NBA player would be

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this workout montage is set to the beat of Sexy and I Know It

WHAT

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...Dennis Rodman is tickling a midget doing pullups

is this real life

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they're training for basketball by BREAKDANCING

put that cardboard down play cool mo dee
baddest little mother you ever did see

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I mean basketball and breakdancing are basically the same skillset except for all the skills

also that song was basically Hey Mickey

how you doin plagiarism

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HOLY BAJESUS LOOK AT THE BADONK ON THAT TEXAN GIRL

AND SHE GOT HIM A STUFFED COW

AND IS SHOVING HER ASS IN HIS FACE

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT IS THIS

WHY IS EVERYTHING COVERED IN COWS

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I'd still bang her

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so he's going to beat Tyrone's team and then bang her right in her moohole

I am so excited for him to be completely disgusted with her

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so in this universe of this movie just knowing Dennis Rodman is enough to send furries into a lustful whirlwind

I guess that's probably true in this universe too

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I AM JUST AGAIN SHAVING MY BALLS AGAIN

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dude...the cuts

I can't handle the cuts

he got laid, so he wants a grilled chicken salad. basically shorthand.

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she basically had a cow

oh my god

this scriptwriter

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wow, this is a strange and distressing look into the psyche of midgets

I always thought they were jolly

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also what happened to Tyrone's pencil-thin beard?

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the fuck are these reporter's expressions

it is literally as overdone as possible

don't care. would stick my dick in it.

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so they're famous because they're a team of midgets and dennis rodman who are one-time participating in a citywide basketball tournament?

seems more legit than Tebowmania, honestly

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its been a while but did movies back then usually have this many montages or are they intentionally overdoing it

by "back then" do you mean "in 2007"?

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this is kind of a lot of montages though

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ok, we get it. they are in a lot of magazines.

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TWO THOUSAND AND MOTHER FUCKING SEVEN, NIGGA

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so are their action figures smaller than normal action figures? I kind of hope they are

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you can't buy your son with money

really? it's not like we can BARTER

also you can't actually like...BUY people

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I would think midgets of all people would be sensitive to that fact

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uh, did this just start over?

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my stream had a LITTLE problem

I'll get back as soon as this guy is done shaving his balls

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oh shit

telling off the white street tough

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wait, that was it? he said "you're being immature" and the guy just left?

leave it to a movie about midgets playing basketball to show effective conflict resolution

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so I think what happened is that this script was a high-concept piece where the script is SMALLER than a normal script, but the studio was like that's fucking retarded and just added in a bunch of montages

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OH MY GOD SASSY BLACK DWARF

OH MY GOD

YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM HER MAN

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wouldn't be hard, he's easy to...overlook....

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if you want to make people laugh, just become a dwaf! look at me! I'm tiny!

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so I guess the script writer heard there was a paris texas and was like "this juxtaposition will make for high comedy. let's throw in some midgets and turn it into a script. is dennis rodman available?"

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do we know any editors? no? whatever, we'll just use windows media maker. that's what the pros use I think. oh look at all these neat fades!

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mini me actually has handles

wow

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get it? goo goo gaa gaa? get it? because midgets and babies are basically the same thing?

whatever, I'm jewish

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holy shit

this is some kind of morality play about the NBA players association fighting with the owners. that conflict was around the time this was made

also YOU'VE GOT TO MILK IT

THE PUNS

THE PUNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

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I'd like to imagine Dennis Rodman striding into David Stern's office, tossing a copy of this on his desk and being like this is how the players feel

and then david stern is like...wait, so who are the midgets in this scenario? look at the cans on that broad! woah!

?UI gues what I'm saying is that the goal of this movie is kind of unclear

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I mean, unless the goal is to make a movie about midgets. that'd be pretty clear

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so midgets hugging it out is adorable

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what is the conflict here? they don't literally need sponsorship to play in a local contest

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MIDGETS. DOGPILING. ON. DENNIS. RODMAN.

OH MY GOD

IT'S SO MUCH CUTER THAN PUPPIES

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so Rodman is just passing up every opportunity to be a team player in order to score his own points.

I'd say that's a dick move, but to be completely fair, his entire team is literally composed of midgets

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so they're trying to make a point about how he should be more of a team player

but they're literally midgets

LITERALLY

MIDGETS

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ok so, this game they're actually getting by as a team. but to be fair the other team is getting fooled on pump fakes.

if a midget can get you to jump out of the way on a pump fake then you didn't deserve to win in the first place

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dennis rodman just literally threw a midget into the basket holding the ball

I mean it was a horrible editing technique, but still

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is dennis rodman upset because his midget teammates got to score points? dude that's fucking impressive.

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bro, throwing that girl at dennis

that's quite an assist

I mean we know it'll lead to a score

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they're having an adorable little romance

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this shot of them on the bridge

oh my god

those are like fucking PROM PICTURES

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wait

is he driving her car? or did he get a cow-themed hummer with the license plate "moooooo" out of spite?

either way

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this local basketball tournament is a big fucking deal

not too clear on why, other than because it's in the script

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dude, that is a carnival ball. that's not even a woman's size.

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so that is her car?

so that scene basically was

why are you driving my car?
isn't that THE NORMAL THING TO DO

then he drives away in her moomobile

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THEY HAVE TINY LITTLE CHEERLEADERS OH MY GOD

THEIR ENTHUSIASM IS PROPORTIONAL TO THEIR SIZE

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hey, vipers, the reason you're losing is because you're not moving at all

get a hand up fellas

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nope, just the most disrespectful block in venice beach history

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gamma nailed it

also, dennis rodman is like 6'7'', so that guy on the vipers is even taller

this is not at all fair

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ooh, it'll be the kid

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he's back from clown college to save the day!

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seriously though, the guys on the other team have a good four or five inches on that kid

this is even less fair

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I think the problem with this film is that it's really about midgets and rodman is basically a placeholder

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WHAT

THE FUCK

THEY WASHED OUT THE COLORS AND ARE CLIMBING ON EACH OTHER

TIME FOR MIDGET POWERDUNK

WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED

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I'm pretty sure that's not actually against the rules

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fantastic, they won everything except for the contest and therefore money and fame

it's kind of like winning, except it's a lot more like losing

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slow drop

midget hug

true love

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they're really doing a flashback montage to their relationship?

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I mean, that relationship was pretty....short...

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ok so I give this script 7/10

this could actually be a really good movie given a few drafts

and uh, not edited in microsoft movie maker. cannot emphasize that enough.

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but seriously, that didn't have to be dennis rodman.

although I doubt Tim Duncan would do it.

but.... that would be the best damn movie ever.

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so that was written, directed, AND edited by the same guy

no shockers here

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So

this is happening again