Not worried. The only reason she would have to leave me is to be monogomous with someone else and what choice is that, really? If she can have both of us, why would she pick just him? The only reason I can see is if our relationship has gone sour and, if that's the case, then we would need to end it either way.Xda wrote:Out of interest, ythill, do you ever get worried that your wife will leave you for these guys?
I
am
human and there are occassional moments of irrational fear, but they are brief and have grown less frequent and less pronounced as we've gained more experience. So far, these little jealousy bites have been the only major downside weighed against a mountain of benefits.Crushes, obv not. I haven't known most of her actual lovers well enough to answer this. The one who became a friend of mine seemed fine with it. Of my own lovers, only one reacted badly to the situation and I ended that relationship quickly as a result.Xda wrote:Do her crushes ever get freaked out that they can't have her to themselves?
What is Polyamory
I think the concept means different things to different people. Generally, it's an open relationship with the primary lover, meaning that both partners have sexual and romantic relationships with other people and no need to lie about it. A lot of people seem to think that polyamory and swinging are synonymous but they are not. Swingers generally limit extra-marital interaction to sex, and often do so only when both parties are directly involved (threesomes, wife swapping, etc), whereas poly couples are free to pursue more meaningful relationships and to do so as individuals.
Obviously, polyamory only works in strong, mature relationships based on trust and communication. Both partners must overcome not only overt jealosy, but its more insidious forms. Both must set healthy boundries, be willing to respect those boundries when they are reasonable, and appropriately question them when they are not. IMO, it's also very important for the primary couple to be together for reasons other than simple sex/romance.
Benefits
As you'd expect, this lifestyle conveys many of the benefits of being single. We can flirt, date, fuck, or whatever when the opportunity arises. We can have meaningful platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex without having to deal with paranoia. We can go out with friends, come home late, and not have to answer dramatic questions.
We also enjoy most of the benefits typically associated with being in a normal long-term relationship including love, stability, freindship, etc. Like other married couples, we benefit from the partnership financially, socially, spiritually, and for shared goals like child-rearing. However, being poly has added some perks. There is a level of honesty between us that I have never experienced in a monogomous relationship. When one of us needs to talk (or get advice) about something going on with another lover, we have each other to turn to. Also, with the lack of compulsory monogomy, we are both motivated to keep our relationship fresh and meaningful on a regular basis.
In addition to all of this, there are some side benefits that surprised me. I tend to have a lot in common with the people my wife likes. A few of her crushes and one of her lovers have become good friends that I may never have met if we were in a monogomous relationship. My standards for casual dating have gone down (I'm not looking for Miss Right), alowing me to explore relationships with people I wouldn't have otherwise considered. At the same time, the quality of my long-term non-primary relationships has improved, which I attribute to a combination of two factors: I'm not lonely enough to compromise and I've got a second opinion to help me avoid trouble.
Drawbacks
Jealosy has been the only real drawback between us. We've learned a lot about it. I could probably write an entire post about this subject, so I think I'll just leave it at this: there are levels of jealosy that most people don't see or admit to and that only become obvious once the overt stuff is long gone, but they -like overt jealosy and all fears- can be overcome.
The preconceptions, judgment, and taboos of other people (potential lovers, friends, parents, etc) can be hard to deal with as well. This can manifest as obvious negativity and obstacles, but it's worse when it's less obvious. For example, a lot of girls are fine with casually dating a single guy but not somebody who's married, even though they know I have her blessing. Some will ignore this and date me anyway, then it surfaces as discomfort later when, for example, they are talking to one of their friends about me and happen to mention my wife. Meeting a non-primary's parents is
very
awkward. I think this is similar to the tribulations faced by gays: the way we live is unconventional and a lot of people equate that with immoral. So...
That's all off the top of my head. If you have questions, feel free to post them. If you have your own experience or conjecture to share, please chime in. And if you just want to make jokes about hitting on my wife, that's okay too.
