Tell me a story!

[Candice]

BWAHAHAHAHA! That is AWESOME, Belisarius!

[EspeciallyTheLies]

LOL!!!! That is too perfect

[AngryPidgeon]

nominate Belisarius for Best Mafia Catcher

[AngryPidgeon]

nominate Zoraster for Most cunning Manipulator

[Majiffy]

• Spoiler the story so they are easily found in the thread and easier to select on a mobile phone

Ew, spoiler tags are a pain in the dick on mobile.

[EspeciallyTheLies]

• Spoiler the story so they are easily found in the thread and easier to select on a mobile phone

Ew, spoiler tags are a pain in the dick on mobile.

And you

always

follow the rules

[Majiffy]

I WILL DESTROY YOU AND THE ONES YOU LOVE.

[Majiffy]

[Jingle]

I'm bored at work, so here goes:

Spoiler: Sthar8, Jingle, and Sthar8's girlfriend's clothes

So I get into a lot of interesting hijinks with friends and family. Usually, they start with me making a bad decision. This time, though, was all a product of situational humor. For various reasons I'm not going to go into here, sthar8 and I were filming his girlfriend in the alley behind the store in a skirt, mask, wig, and pair of swords. For *reasons* immediately after that we needed to film me in the same mask, wig, and sweater. Now, sthar8's girlfriend is tiny and can't handle the cold. Seeing as this was the middle of October and it was 3 in the morning, it was cold as hell outside, so she went inside to change.

Not thinking anything of it, I commented to sthar8 that I'd need to take my shirt off in order to do the next part of the filming. So I do so, and toss him the shirt. It being about 30 degrees below balls freezingly cold, this was not the most intelligent move, but having already done it I tossed him my shirt and stood there. At this point, sthar8 is holding my shirt in one hand, a video camera in the other with a mask and a wig sitting on a garbage can next to him and a spotlight pointing at a shirtless man with a full on neckbeard. Realizing exactly what it looked like we were doing he says, "Wouldn't it be really awkward if someone were to walk outside right now?"

Because he tempted fate, of course it happened. No sooner had the words left his mouth than the door around the corner opens. A guy walked out and took one look at us then, obviously uncomfortable asked, "Soooo... What's going on?" Without missing a beat, sthar8 gestures to the camera and me and says, "Making a movie." The guy was still incredibly uncomfortable, but left. We got the rest of the clip filmed without any problems. As we were leaving however, there was a cop car doing a slow drive by of the alley.

Hey, look, ETL! I followed the rules this time!

[Burning_Earth]

Spoiler: I get dared to balance on the railing of a 3rd storey balcony

So me and my former best friend when I was like 12 were daring each other to do random harmless shit and then the thing in the title happened and then I broke both arms and both legs the end. NOW GIVE ME SYMPATHY AND RECOGNITION PLEASE

[Candice]

The cop car at the end made me crack up, Jingle. Perfect ending.

[Ms Marangal]

Spoiler: guys, I am a bitch.

So, yesterday, I was closing at work and one of the people closing is one of the most annoying co-workers, ever. Yesterday, after we had finished cleaning up and stuff, we were all talking and, at some point, I had outright told said co-worker that she was super annoying, and was offended.

This morning, when I went into work, she apparently had told our boss that I said she was annoying, and he laughed. While working, said co-worker continued to complain how I was mean, and a bitch and she couldn't believe I said she was annoying. the conversation afterwards is as follows.

"if it's to hot for you in here, you could always just leave the kitchen"
"what?"
"I said, if it's to hot for you, you could always just leave the kitchen"
"lesyl, we aren't even in the kitchen"
"if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen"
"... I gotta tell jojo what you just said" (jojo is one of our managers)

She tells jojo, and I say, the first thing I said was "if it's to hot for you in here, you could always just leave the kitchen"
To which, Mary (annoying co-worker) responds with
"shut up, I am not slow like you, you know"

And then everyone laughs.

Then, after like, an hour or after a rush hour, and we had all worked hard, I had done a little blunder and Mary goes

"comeon lesyl, you need to get on my level, understand?"

And, after a few seconds of silence, and giving the impression that I won't respond, I say " well, I can't shrink, Mary" and everyone cracks up.

Mary is like, 4 feet tall

[Jingle]

I thought of another one that was pretty fun.

Spoiler: Christmas Time, And I'm an Asshole

Most of the members of my family are a pain in the ass to shop for during the holidays. Nowadays, I usually just buy them stuff for their various hobbies, but I used to put a lot of effort into finding out what everyone wanted. The year that forever killed that part of me was when I was 15-ish.

After like three weeks of asking sthar8 what he wanted for Christmas, the only thing he'd mentioned was socks. At this point I was more than a little annoyed that he wouldn't just give me a straight answer, so I went out and bought him socks. 15 pairs of socks. I then proceeded to open all of the packages and separate the socks into singles.

The asshole part is where I went around and collected all of the boxes I could from his old video games. The majority were the old thick design of computer game boxes, but there were at least a few for consoles. I proceeded to put a single sock in every single box, and wrap them all in different styles of wrapping paper. I addressed all of these presents to him, and literally filled the space under the Christmas tree. He was really confused on Christmas morning, until he opened the first one. Then he laughed. He thought it was funny through box number three, but for the rest he just seemed to be annoyed for some reason.

[EspeciallyTheLies]

LMFAO so much effort to spite your brother lol...

[sthar8]

1. you were 11.
2. you didn't buy shit. You stole socks that I already owned out of my bedroom. I was confused for a week before christmas at why I couldn't find any goddamn socks.
3. some of them came out of my hamper and were quite dirty.

We gave Jingle the same package of coal every year from when he was 7 until he was 16. And when he was nine I gave him an empty refrigerator box with six more boxes russian-dolled inside.

[Jingle]

I totally did buy socks for you. And was it seriously that long ago?

And also, I loved that box. So shuttup.

[Antihero]

drunk TTH explains giardia

Spoiler:

parasitology background for this story

: giardia are these parasites that attach themselves to your intestines and flatten out intestinal villi in the process like so:


(we're at our aunt and uncle's house one night and we were watching this TV show about parasitology and the subject of the show was revealed to have been infected with giardia)
(the show cuts to commercial break)

aunt: what's giardia?
TTH: they're these little things that look like horseshoe crabs...
TTH: ... that give you hickeys...
(TTH leans over to aunt and loudly whispers)
TTH:

on your insides

[sthar8]

So I've been meaning to type this one for forever. Sorry...

Spoiler: Re: my job

There's a little boy, maybe five or six, who has been coming into the store recently to buy pokemon cards. I think he's made every adult he knows come in to buy him cards, and every time they look at absolutely everything. There's a lot of "[relevant adult] LOOK! It's so cool!" and questions that I get to answer. Excited and inquisitive kids are my favorite thing to deal with at work. So one day, the little guy comes up to the counter and declares "I wanna work here when I grow up!" Which was completely adorable.

But one of the older boys was hanging out in the store too, so I replied, loudly enough for the bigger guy to hear,

"Have you ever heard a story about a genie who lives in a lamp? Think about what it's like to be the genie. You get to meet all sorts of people, good and bad. You get to grant wishes, and make people very happy. You get to do magic, and wonderful things, and have experiences that make everyone else jealous. So why does nobody want to be the genie?

Because you're trapped in the dumb lamp!"

Spoiler: When I was 19, I drove to a party with some friends...

but we were a little late, and arrived to find the place surrounded by cops. So I kept driving, and one friend made some calls. He located another party and gave me the address. It was for an apartment building in a less-than-safe part of town, but I'd partied in sketchier places. When we arrived, we were instructed to park a couple blocks away and enter the building through a side entrance.

Inside, we found an apartment with no furniture in it occupied by about a dozen burly white dudes in leather jackets with tattoos drinking and smoking pot. About half of them were my age, but the rest were clearly older. One of the older men was standing at the window, looking out between the blinds with binoculars.

I learned quickly through conversation that it was a group of Aryan Nations guys, and that they were posted there to 'watch' someone. I didn't ask who or why, because frankly I didn't want to know.

They introduced us to a couple cases of beer, and we got a game of "I have never" going. I abstained because I was driving and because "I have never" gets me blackout very quickly.

About an hour in, one of the Aryans came over to sit with me. His head was shaved, and he had a swastika tattoo on one side of his neck, and an iron cross on the other.

"hey"

"hey"

"how's it goin'?"

"good..."

"I like your beard"

"thanks?"

"can i touch it?"

"Uhhhh... sure?"

At this point, the neo-nazi is touched my face and ran his hands through my beard. He spent the next half hour drunkenly explaining his group's philosophies, until I announced loudly that it was time for us to leave. As we were getting ready to go (read: I was herding my drunk friends to the car) the same white supremacist pulled me aside:

"you should drop off your friends and come back. We're moving to Detroit tomorrow, and you can come with us."

"uhhh I'll think about it..."

"If you come with us, you can marry my cousin and we'll kill [racial slur] together"

"OKAY THEN! TIME TO LEAVE! LATER GUYS"

Spoiler: Bees

A couple years ago, I went hiking with the Scouts up at Priest Lake. Friday night the first group hiked in to our campsite. It was me, two 16-year-olds, and an 18-year-old. Midway through the hike, at about 3 in the afternoon, we got hit with a downpour. Luckily everyone had packed correctly, but the clothes we were wearing got soaked on the way in. So once we got the tents set up, I made everybody change and we set up a clothesline on the beach.

The next project was cutting down a tree and turning it into firewood for the group of younger kids that was coming in the next day. While I was chopping, one of the boys came over. "There's some bees on your socks." I replied on autopilot "That's OK. Don't bother them and they won't bother you." "I dunno, there's a LOT of bees."

There were a lot of bees. Like, a whole hive of bees. About a hundred bees, just hanging out on my socks. Nobody else's socks, no other articles of clothing. Bee-beard thick bees all over my socks. Bees

can't get enough

of my sweaty socks.

[caledfwitch]

i laughed at the bee story omg

[TellTaleHeart]

Spoiler: Cat Dissection with Antihero

[We took AP Biology in the same year and towards the end of the school year, we did a cat dissection project. Antihero should have opted out of it because he's pretty squeamish:]

<Antihero finishes separating muscles on the cat's chest>
Antihero: I'm going outside for second, keep going.
<Antihero casually grabs the trash can as he walks into the hall>

I followed him out to the hall.
<Antihero wretches>
Me: Are you OK?
Antihero: Yep! Awesome! I'm just admiring the apple core at the bottom of this trash can.
<Antihero wretches again.>

<A security guard happens to walk by at the time.>
Security Guard: Do you have a hall pass?
<Antihero slowly looks up from the trash can and silently tilts it to show the security guard its contents.>
<The security guard quickly looks away and says "Never mind".>

[Catbug]

he's pretty squeamish

LOL awwwwwwww!!!

[Antihero]

he's pretty squeamish

LOL awwwwwwww!!!

Spoiler: more dissections

i also took a course with a dissection lab in college (against my better judgment).

we dissected all this nasty crap like lampreys and sharks. the most nauseating shit you could think of. and the room smelled like satan took a dump on a skunk's rotting carcass.

sometimes, people from other sections of the lab "saved" things instead of... THROWING THEM THE HELL AWAY BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD ANIMAL PARTS WHAT KIND OF PSYCHOTIC FREAK

SAVES

THIS STUFF. and sometimes, i opened the awesome magical mystery bags of rotting corpses when someone else didn't use enough embalming fluid and

left them in the same bin as the sealed ones.

i puked in the first couple weeks. then, i just learned to go to lab on an empty stomach and not eat at all on lab days. that lab was at 7 at night, so it kind of sucked. my appetite would be thoroughly ruined at that point, so i wouldn't eat

after

the lab either. also, i must have looked weird excusing myself to the bathroom about 10 times during the lab, but no one asked any questions so whatever.

got an A in the class though!

worth it.

[EspeciallyTheLies]

i love this thread XD all your stories are awesome and wonderful and funny and interesting

<3

[EspeciallyTheLies]

"I like your beard"

"thanks?"

"can i touch it?"

"Uhhhh... sure?"

my favorite part

[Flubbernugget]

Pulling this from a comment I made in a Cracked article a while ago.

Spoiler: The Time I Saw a Toilet Crushed into Explosion:

This article reminds me of the time I saw a couple of garbage collectors throw a toilet into their truck waiting at my bus stop on the way to school.

In itself, this isn't a particularly interesting occurrence, but it just so happened that the toilet wasn't placed fully in the bed of the truck, so as the back door of the truck began to lower, it eventually came in contact with the toilet. I had honestly expected the door to just jam, or have the door motor blow or something (I'm not mechanically inclined), but it instead placed a force on the toilet too much for the ceramic to handle.

I will never forget the white cloud of dust and bits of ceramic that flew from the truck as the toilet practically exploded under the pressure of the door.

The spectacle was pretty impressive, but when it had finally hit me that I just saw a toilet explode, I almost hit the floor laughing. The memories of the exploding toilet still make me chuckle to this day.