You presume we're not just using random.org to decide our relationships (hint: we are)
"I, too, would prefer to know the Xalxe of my demise." - Felissan, 2022
- On this day in history: mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees -
Xalxe: this is xofelf sometimes we call each other names and other times we share emotions
MattyP: Ur an enigma tho when it comes to circadian rhythm and the traditions we hold dear when it comes to the sun and the moon Get to reknow a xofelf here
Discord is faster than PMs or sitechat: xofelf#1697
Greetings humans, I'm Julie Chen! I'm standing in the
soundstage
house 20 stranger things will be living in for the next 112 to 154 days. There will be blindsides. There will be takeovers. There will be unintentionally homophobic comments. Get ready for the craziest summer of the summer.
I've retrieved the final tribal council votes from the bottom of the Nile Sea in my Julie Jumpsuit. The person voted out will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately. I'll read the votes.
Spoiler: First vote
1 vote for TheBreeze.
Spoiler: Second vote
1 vote for TheBreeze, 1 vote for Kisame.
Spoiler: Third vote
2 votes for Kisame, 1 vote Breeze.
Spoiler: Fourth vote
2 votes for Kisame and Breeze, 0 for DeasVail. 6 is what makes a majority here.
Spoiler: Fifth vote
3 votes for Breeze.
Spoiler: Sixth vote
4 votes for Breeze, 2 for Kisame.
Spoiler: Seventh vote
4 votes for Breeze, 3 for Kisame. 0 votes for DV, who is now unable to win or cause a tie.
Spoiler: Eighth vote
4 votes for Breeze and Kisame. In the event of a tie, DV will act as the tiebreaker.
Spoiler: Ninth vote
5 votes for TheBreeze.
Spoiler: Final vote
Final vote...
And the winner of Survivor: Simulation......
TheBreeze! Congratulations!
Now that that's taken care of, let's meet our houseguests.
mith
animorpherv1
Mith jumps up and down and screams in elation as he finds his key in his favorite breakfast cereal Frosted Flakes when he pours out a nice steaming hot bowl of cereal and the key falls out of the box. "Mmmmm, that's grrrrrreat!" mith exclaims.
Kylo Ren
Aronis
Kylo Ren is trying to unclog his intergalactic toilet when he opens up the back to reveal that it was his key to the Big Brother house stopping it up. Neato!
Willam Belli
BROseidon
Willam is having a typical Saturday night at the club, and he's readying himself for his favorite meal of the day (cock and SIN). Once he pulls down his mister's boxers, he readies himself for a warm steaming mouth of penis, but he instead finds his lips wrapped around a cold plastic key. He is less than impressed.
Otto Oninrew
BS2000
Otto is washing his dog when his dog vomits up a Big Brother house key. Neato!
Wendy
Cephrir
Wendy is washing her hair when her hair vomits up a Big Brother house key. Neato!
D3f3nd3r
D3f3nd3r
D3f3nd3r is washing his Big Brother house key when his Big Brother house key says "I'm clean and I am a Big Brother house key," to which D3f3nd3r replies, "you are never clean of your sins"
Faalcon
Faalcon
"I have had my key my whole life, it was inside of me the whole life," Faalcon says as he passes a kidney stone containing his key.
Felissan
Felissan
Felissan is preparing himself for some good old-fashioned manly gardening, but when he turns on his water hose, shards of glass shoot out and slice up all of his plants. "Oh no!" Felissan cries, also there is a key placed on Felissan's doorstep
Nightmare
JDGA
Nightmare gets home from a long day at work when she realizes she locked her keys in her car, with all her groceries inside. "Oh no, my ice cream will melt!" Luckily for Nightmare there's a Big Brother key on top of her car, but it doesn't unlock her car and her ice cream is ruined
xofelf
Klick
"Hey man, I have a key"
James Enwerd
KuroiXHF
James is in the middle of watching his favorite movie The Skeleton Key when a key keymes out of nowhere keywl
@TheRealBuzzAldrin
Marquis
The alleged real Buzz Aldrin is flying back from his alleged spacecraft from the alleged moon when a key
MattP
MattP
Matt is performing heart surgery on a patient who has clogged arteries when he pulls out the source of the artery cloggage: a Big Brother house key! "I'm going on Big Brother BITCH!" *beep..beep....beep...beeeeeep* the patient flatlines as Matt and the camera crew surrounding him celebrates. "Big Brother is cool, already got blood on my hands"
Rachel Dolezal
pablito
Rachel is at a Donald Trump rally slitting throats when her switchblade meets a camera guy ready to capture her discovering her key in a Trump supporter's esophagus. "OMG wow im going on Big Brother yes let's go!!!!!!!!!!"
Mike Jones
pickemgenius
Mike is doing some tidying up around the house when he accidentally knocks over the urn containing his grandmother's ashes. It shatters on the floor, revealing a Big Brother key within. Neato!
Buttstuffs McGee
xRECKONERx
Buttstuffs is leading a white water rafting expedition when his raft is popped by his Big Brother key that fell in the water in front of them. "FLOATERS GRAB YOUR LIFE PRESERVERS" he screams as his passengers struggle to stay afloat in the volatile waters
Save The Dragons
Save The Dragons
Save the Dragons walks outside and keys are falling from the sky. STD catches one in his mouth and shakes it around for his master. "woof!"
Zazzle Frass
Xalxe
Salsa is perusing DisneyWorld when he asks Pluto for a picture with him. Pluto says no and Zazzle starts to cry, so then John Smith from Pocahontas walks over and hands him his Big Brother key. "Thank you but who are you?" "I just want someone to take a picture with me okay (((("
ROCKSelf
xofelf
ROCKSelf finds her key inside a larger key
Dorian Maldovar
Papa Zito
Dorian finds his keyto in a bag of Papa Fritos, neato
{. . .}
Alright houseguests, it's time for you to enter the house! You'll enter six at a time! First up is xofelf, Nightmare, James, Willam, Rachel, and mith.
- "So I walk into this house, and I'm like whoa, xofelf and mith are hitting it off super well. I can't let them get too close, or it'll be a real summer bummer."
Nightmare walks into a room looking for a place to put her bags, and finds a room where all the beds are baby cribs inside of coffins. Nightmare turns around and leaves the room.
- "Everyone already hates me here, I know. I like Willam so far because we can hate everyone equally, we won't even bake them good cakes. Well the cakes I make will still taste good, but they'll know they're not as good as cakes I would make at the height of my potential. Oh they'll know."
The next six houseguests to enter will be Zazzle, Buttstuffs, Mike, Dorian, ROCKSelf, and Faalcon.
Buttstuffs immediately takes off his clothes upon entering the house. "Look at this big brother"
- "This is the type of guy I want to have around, that entrance was ~ICONIC~"
Willam pulls Rachel, Buttstuffs, and Zazzle into the baby crib/coffin room while everyone else is marveling at Mike's bottlecap collection.
"So I like you guys, let's final four. We can call ourselves the Iconicunts." - Willam
#ICONICUNTS
flashes at the bottom of the screen
- "I am deeply offended by Willam's alliance name suggestion, but I'm going to bite my tongue so I don't bite off his."
The final six houseguests to enter will be Kylo, Otto, Wendy, Save The Dragons, @TheRealBuzzAldrin, and Felissan.
- "Right when I saw STD, I knew that boy was gonna get me into some major trouble."
- "Squirrel!"
Felissan and Faalcon sit on the couch and bond over their equal awkwardness around meeting all the new faces.
"Hey, do you wanna final two?" - Felissan
"Yeah but how can we do that without an alliance name?" - Faalcon
"Let's call ourselves The F-Words since our names start with F!!" - Felissan
#THEFWORDS
flashes at the bottom of the screen
- "The really cool thing about our alliance name is how it immediately excludes anyone else in the game from meeting the criteria to be included in the alliance and that is great gameplay if I do say so myself"
Finally, the last two houseguests entering the house will be MattP and D3f3nd3r: THE RETURNERS.
#THERETURNERS
flashes on at the bottom of on the screen
I hope both you's experiences on Survivor: Stimulation will help you in the house, but it's a totally different experience in this house. Expect the unexpected. Stop drop and roll
- "I hope no one tries to vote me out because they think I'm already too big of a celebrity as fifth boot from Survivor #Blindsids"
HOH 1: Banana for Scale
Welcome to your first HOH comp. Your goal here is simple, stay on the banana as long as possible. This will be made more difficult by the fact that the bananas will be rotating randomly as the challenge goes on. The first four people eliminated in this challenge will be have nots for the week and will be forced to eat slop, their bananas, and Johnny Bananas.
Each of you is now given a banana. Hold on tight, the summer might slip out from under you. Like a banana.
- "wait these are normal sized bananas how does- i dont- what?"
Hang on tight, the summer might slip out from under you. Like a banana!
- "tbh im just gonna eat my banana, slops p cool"
Zazzle eats his banana and becomes the first have not, except the other 19 houseguests are really the have nots because compared to him they HAVE NOT had their daily recommended potassium. Scrubs.
- "So I went into this challenge loving all bananas and houseguests and their respective bananas. I decided to just throw the challenge since everyone loves me too much to nominate me anyway!"
Xofelf drops out of the challenge.
- "This challenge is intense! I'm really giving it my all, I have to secure my safety in this house, and ensure that I remain the only real legitimate black woman in the house!"
Rockself struggles to hold on to the banana. Buttstuffs McGee uses buttstuffs to keep his banana firm and solid. Mike Jones makes an obscene gesture with the banana, responding to the disgust of his other houseguests with "ayy".
- "Time to get some blood on my hands!"
Buzz crushes the banana in his hand and smears it over his bare chest. No one is sure how he went barechested.
The banana of Rockself slips softly through her hands, her grip tightening so only a small amount of banana pulp squirts out of the now moist banana tip. oh bb oh bb.
The four have nots are: Rockself, Buzz, Xofelf, Zazzle.
The remaining houseguests are laser focused like laser cats 1-6.
Only three houseguests remain in the competition because writing 12 more ways for someone to pseudosexually drop a banana isn't going to happen, use your imagination, much like the 12 houseguests who lost did when they did weird stuff with a banana.
HOUSEGUESTS: please rotate your banana into the upward facing dog position.
While making the rotation, STD loses hold of his banana and places 3rd.
- "im pretty dissapoint in my failure. oh well, orange you glad i didnt say banana again?"
Faalcon: Yo Will, if you drop we can make a deal whatchu thing BRUH
William: I dont know, promising me one thing but stabbing me in the back would be downright ICONIC, and im all about that COUNT ME IN
Faalcon is the first HOH of the summer!
The houseguests return from the backyard
- "So, I definitely saw some shady shit happening there between William and Faalcon. I better blast off into getting to the bottom of this!"
The REAL Buzz Aldini: Hey Will, what the FUCK was that all about man? You're supposed to be this bigg scary challenge threat then you quit like a little BITCH.
William: Whoa, I'm just playing the game, maybe you should try it sometime!
The NOTFAKE Electabuzz Aldrin: 'the fuck you say to me?
William: I say what i say, gonna do something about it boy?
The two get real close and stare at each other menacingly but do nothing because this is big brother what even is conflict am i write?
Faalcon comes out of the DR: WHO WANTS TO SEE MY HOH ROOM?
Everyone screams in excitement and parades down to the HOH basement. Except for Buzz aldrin who storms past everyone going into the HOH room. He quickly goes to the bed, flips the mattress across the room and heads right back upstairs. Everyone else awkwardly stands around as Faalcon reads his letters from home... on a bed without a mattress.
- "This buzz motrin PM guy has gone off the deep end, sounds like the perfect first boot to keep me square in the status quo"
- "I like the way this buzz guy operates. Will try flipping mattress later on. Because I'm evil. Thats evil, not emo."
Its time for the nominations ceremony. In this wheel we stole from the actual big brother, there are 17 keys. If you pull your key out, you are safe. I'll pull the first key.
Spoiler: first key
Otto.
Spoiler: Second key
Dorium.
Spoiler: Third Key
Mike Jones
who?
Spoiler: Fourth Key
D3f3nder.
Spoiler: Fifth Key
Nightmare.
Spoiler: Six
Rachel.
Spoiler: Seven
MattP
Spoiler: 8
Buttstuffs
Spoiler: 9
Zazzle
Spoiler: 10
STD
Spoiler: 11
Felissan.
Spoiler: 12
Wendy.
Spoiler: 13
Kylo.
Spoiler: 14
Mith.
Spoiler: 15
Xofelf.
Spoiler: 16
Buzz?
Spoiler: 17, and the final safe member of the house...
William.
Spoiler: Nominations are...
ROCKSelf and James.
ROCKSelf, i think you probably have cooties and thats just bad for my game.
James, your last name offends rachel, and thats just bad for her game.
- *cries justin timberlake a river*
- "IM FUCKIN LIVID. FAALCON=DEAD, ROCKSELF=DEAD, BANANAS=high in potassium as previously mentioned BUT ALSO DEAD."
Who will the house decide to eliminate this week, and who will win the GOLDEN POWER OF VETO? Find out next time on BIIIIIIIIIIIIIG BROTHER
"CC is very [whatever the equivalent of photogenic as it applies to videos]" - racefan12
"CC is an objectively attractive person." - Crazy
"You look like a happy version of Trent Reznor." - LicketyQuickety
"Do you practice sounding like you're high all the time?" - xofelf
(1:55:11 AM) ahallucinogenic: it's ok drench
(1:55:21 AM) ahallucinogenic: it's perfectly normal for young children to walk in on their parents making love
(1:55:31 AM) Drench394: i can't wait
Xalxe: this is xofelf sometimes we call each other names and other times we share emotions
MattyP: Ur an enigma tho when it comes to circadian rhythm and the traditions we hold dear when it comes to the sun and the moon Get to reknow a xofelf here
Discord is faster than PMs or sitechat: xofelf#1697
(((("
