mith looks out onto the field/stage from one of the luxury boxes, flanked by Mr. Flay and the mysterious masked figure.
mith:
This is so much better. Fantastic.
Mr. Flay:
Wonderful. But how are we ever going to fill such a big venue?
Something off-camera beeps, and Mr. Flay looks over at it. His eyes go slightly wide, and he rushes off.
Masked Figure:
What was that all about? Anyway, he has a point. I really want to fill this baby up, really test our setup.
mith:
Hmm. Well. I suppose we could always tell the guards to just let everyone in.
Masked Figure:
Everyone? Even...
mith:
Yes, that's right. Even the spammers.
Announcer:
,
, and "None", welcome to the Eighth Annual Scummie Awards, coming to you live from Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas! And now, your host... mith!
The camera pans away from the stage at midfield, over the full-to-capacity stands; the audience cheers and does the wave as they see themselves on the giant screen hanging over the stage. Eventually the view centers on the luxury box where mith stands, looking over the crowd. He waves, and on cue the glass in front of him shatters. He levitates up and over the glass, and floats down to the stage...
Shanba:
Hey! What is this witchcraft?! mith can't fly!
Kison:
Alpha team, go!
Members of the SSC leap into action, and Faraday aims an electromagnetic pulse cannon at, presumably, MafiaBot3000 disguised as mith. He closes his eyes and fires. A direct hit!
SpyreX:
It didn't work!
mith:
Of course it didn't work, fools. I am no machine.
JDodge raises another weapon, but "mith" motions and the weapon goes flying. The entire SSC is lifted into the air, and they start to clutch at their throats. Some of the members of the audience nearby scream, while others offer bargain prices for male performance enhancers. Satisfied that the situation is under control, the impostor nods, and the air around it shimmers as the psychic disguise drops from the minds of the audience, revealing...
MewTwo:
Bwahaha... ha... haha... haow, hey, what the...
MewTwo turns to see that Flameaxe, dressed in some bizarre costume, has bitten its tail.
MewTwo:
I see we have a volunteer...
Flameaxe:
Mmmpmmm mm mmmt?
MewTwo:
Volunteer to die. And where are your manners? Didn't anyone ever teach you not to talk with your mouth full? I will be doing this planet a favor ridding it of the human population...
Yaw:
Not if we have anything to say about it...
MewTwo turns to see Yaw hovering behind it, dressed as a Butterfree. Other users in costumes hover or stand behind...
This footage has been removed due to copyright claim by Nintendo. It's epic, though, trust us.
MewTwo lies broken and defeated on the 20 yard line, barely moving. The Scumchat Pokédex surrounds it, victorious.
ChannelDelibird:
Anyone have a Pokéball?
mith:
Here.
ChannelDelibird:
Thanks... hey, mith, where the hell have you been?
mith:
What, I can't let a psychic Pokémon run things for a little while and take a vacation?
Bill Cosby:
Pokémon?!
Does anyone know what the jazz this is all about? No? Let's just move on.
Back on stage, mith is preparing to kick off the first set of awards. Vi briskly walks across the stage unannounced and slips mith a note.
mith:
Oh, dear. I've just been handed note informing me of an urgent breaking news situation. Let's go to our intrepid report, on the scene.
Intrepid Reporter:
Aggressive Mind Games. What are they? Who is responsible for their emergence on mafiascum.net? This reporter wanted to get to the bottom of the story. I spoke with a source who would like to remain anonymous, and he or she has one possible culprit.
Just look at the numbers, man, it's all in the numbers. Do you think it's a coincidence that this exponential increase in Aggressive Mind Games corresponds exactly with the period leading to the creation of this so-called "Forum 62"? That's what
they
want you to think, man. Had to change the name because we were on to them, Hamsterdam was too in-your-face, blatant, just telling you right there what the game's all about, man, control, they're trying to get us to run in circles on a hamster wheel, man. The Scumchat clique, that's the man behind the curtain, did you know that mith visits Scumchat periodically, almost like planned meetings for the puppet with the true power behind the throne. Look at the graphs, man!
Intrepid Reporter:
Have we uncovered a conspiracy that will shake the very foundation of mafiascum.net? Perhaps; but after following up a few leads, this reporter has come to the conclusion that the so-called "Scumchat clique" cannot be responsible - they have an airtight alibi, having spent 8 hours on their Pokémon costumes during a key window in the Aggressive Mind Games story. We will continue to seek the truth, and get to the bottom of who is really responsible. Back to you, mith.
mith:
Thanks, please keep us updated as the situation develops. Alright folks, let's get this show started, shall we? This year, about half of the awards - those recognizing single events, such as play in a particular game, a specific post, or design elements from individual games - were split into first-half and second-half nominations, with judge groups for each half narrowing the nominees down to one or two finalists. The winner was then chosen by a third group of judges, with help from players and mods who were involved with multiple finalists. As usual, we had a number of excellent nominations, and even choosing finalists was a difficult job, much less deciding on a single winner for the year.
Applause for the judges!
mith:
The remainder of the awards are based on a player or moderator's "body-of-work", and these awards were tackled by the finalist judges all on their own - at times an even more mountainous task, given the number of nominations and the necessity to read though multiple games for each.
More applause for the judges!
mith:
I'll be introducing the judges throughout the show to present awards, but to get us started, I'll be presenting our traditional first award of the Scummies. Every year, hundreds of new users come to mafiascum.net, and after waiting a seemingly endless period of time for their accounts to be activated, many of these users make an immediate positive impact, whether through exceptional play, creative and unique ideas, or in numerous other ways. We always like to see a large number of nominations in this category, and we definitely had that this year. But there can only be one winner... and the
Rookie of the Year Award
for Most Outstanding New Player is--
The lights flicker on and off, and mith stops speaking.
At first there are whispers of doubt and fear, but the crowd goes silent in anticipation as a loud stomping and snorting is heard from the west wing. Suddenly, ReaperCharlie bursts out from behind the curtain, onto the stage, riding a beautiful white unicorn with an inexplicably blood-splattered horn. The crowd's surprise is palpable; the excitement in the auditorium is undeniable as the audience bursts into simultaneous applause and jeering! Suddenly, the dashing animal rears onto its back legs, and lets out a mighty...
"
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Holding its proud head high, the magnificent beast canters onto the middle of the stage, gallantly snorting puffs of magical steam into the air. ReaperCharlie expertly handles the resplendent creature and guides it to the center podium, where mith stands and watches silently. Lo and behold, ReaperCharlie reveals a large crystalline plaque that had been concealed under a shimmering rainbow-tinged rider's cloak. The crowd begins to cheer deafeningly at the sight of the award itself, and ReaperCharlie (always the shining beacon of pomp and circumstance) gallops the equestrian back and forth at the front of the stage. After repeatedly rearing the glorious animal in a display of sheer transcendence, screaming war cries into the audience at every turn, ReaperCharlie returns to the podium, calms the mighty beast with soothing words, and looks to mith for the continuation of the ceremony.
mith:
Er... ReaperCharlie, what are you doing out here? And may I be the first to say that you look absolutely ridiculous in that get-up? You should probably sue your fashion designer.
ReaperCharlie:
Thank you! Your adoration is greatly appreciated; as you know, you are one of the precious few who appreciates pure and unparalleled majesty when he beholds it. These garments were crafted from the finest silk, spun from the Spiders of Eternity specifically for this very purpose: to be worn on the Night of Recognition to all of those who have proven themselves worthy of being honored. In recognizing the ethereal qualities of this symbolic clothing, mith, you prove yourself to be a fine judge of both character and of quality. You are a credit to your people, and I regard you now as an equal.
mith:
No, seriously, that looks really bad. No offense, but you look like a clown. All you're missing are the big red shoes.
ReaperCharlie:
Yes, isn't she a gorgeous beast? I've always thought the Unicorns were the most majestic of all creatures. I got her on eBay. I'd like to thank Fritzler, Stefunny, tanstalas, Fuben, and AGar for their donations to the purchase of this fine animal. They have always been the best Unicorns friends to me, and likely shall forevermore be.
Hearing this, the Unicorns present in the crowd cheer and jeer simultaneously, creating a tumultuous cacophony of love, contempt, brotherhood, and sardonic humor.
ReaperCharlie:
(with a beaming smile) Lol, shut up you guys. Anyway, just to remind everyone following along at home: Halo Wednesdays have been in full swing for quite some time now. If you have any questions or would like to play with us, just hit up one of us Unicorns and we will give you more info. In fact, if you stop by, I'll even let you pet this beautiful creature that I'm riding at this very moment. Her name is BaJazzled; though how she came by that name, she has yet to tell me. And yes, in case you're wondering, of course unicorns can speak! This one has a beautiful voice, and can even sing! Don't ask me where she learned that, she hasn't told me that yet either...
mith:
Um... yeah. Moving on... wait, what is that you're holding?
ReaperCharlie:
Ah, yeeeessss... about that! This is the highly sought after Rookie of the Year Award! The award itself is magnificent, isn't it? Simply divine! The crystal is made from the finest and rarest of precious stones, and the quality of the workmanship is fascinating! Surely, only the finest and best of the hallowed halls of mafiascum would be allowed to carry off an award of this magnitude!
mith:
Erm...
mith nods in the direction of the podium, where sits the actual award trophy.
ReaperCharlie:
I see that you are nodding me along, I know the winner of this incredible trophy will want to take hold of it as soon as possible, so let's announce the...
mith:
(annoyed) ReaperCharlie!
The Unicorn stamps its hoof impatiently in the awkward silence that follows.
mith:
RC, you aren't presenting this award. You're presenting a different award, later in the show. We already have a trophy for this one.
ReaperCharlie:
But... mith! Look at this one! I had it made special! The crystal, and the stones... the horn, mith, the horn!
mith:
And if you bring that bloody unicorn back out here later...
ReaperCharlie:
Oh, the blood? That's an incredible story, I'm glad you asked about that. You see, it all started when BaJazzled and I...
mith:
It was an expression, I wasn't asking about the actual blood!
ReaperCharlie:
Oh. You're kinda cranky tonight, mith, is there something agitating you?
SaintKerrigan:
Did a unicorn bite your sister once?
mith:
Sigh. Do we have to fit a Monty Python reference in
every year
? It's a little overused, don't you think? We're better than that.
SaintKerrigan:
Oops.
ReaperCharlie:
Well, I guess I'll get off your stage now, Mr. Cranky Pants.
mith:
Thank you. Go read the script.
ReaperCharlie:
Will do! I brought a special Unicorn marker with which to edit my lines to make them even better! It writes in all the colors of the rainbow, and...
In one motion, ReaperCharlie quickly tosses the microphone to mith, draws his steed's reins tightly, whirling the dazzling white Unicorn about, and gallops off the stage behind the waiting curtain. And from the west wing comes another magical burst of exultation:
"
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mith:
(blinking in bewilderment) Um.... I don't even know
what
to say... say, Flay, do you have any comments?
Mr. Flay:
...
mith
: Absolutely unbelievable. Anyway... where was I? Oh, right. The winner is...
MagnaofIllusion!
"Oh, do you really need to hear us tell you that you played a great game? You know it.
[snip]
YOU MANIPULATIVE FIEND, I HATE YOU. *bawws*" - Mina
"He's already got a meta of 'If Magna's not dead by Night 2, he's probscum', which is surprisingly Glork-esque for a new player." - ReaperCharlie
mith:
Now, presenting our next award, the first of our seven finalist/body-of-work judges: Thesp!
Thesp:
Thanks, mith, and good evening everyone! This award is related to the first, as an important role on this site in bringing new members into the community is setting a good example for them in our Newbie Games. If you think you can help in this capacity in the future, head to the
Newbie Game Queue and sign up, maybe you'll win this award for 2011! But for 2010, the
Jedi Master Award
for Best Inexperience-Challenged Player goes to...
yabbaguy!
"He has been in a couple of my newbie games recently and really helps the new players settle in regardless of his alignment. But he also does a great game break down for everyone once it is over. Examples, Newbie 953 and Newbie 971. I was impressed." - Sotty7
mith:
Congratulations to our first two winners! And now, in keeping with tradition... let's take our first look at this year's Scummies Mafia Live! Let's see how the beginning of that game is coming along.
In a dark, damp room, somewhere in the bowels of Cowboys Stadium, 12 individuals stand and shiver with antici...
AGar:
This looks like it's going to be a fun game. Scummies too.
Tragedy:
QFT
...pation.
Fate:
BUDDIES!
VOTE: AGar
xRECKONERx:
OBV SCUM!
VOTE: AGar
Fritzler:
Claim: Dayvig. Daykill: AGar. Daykill: Tragedy.
Fritzler pulls out a two-shot revolver and quickly fires, splattering AGar's and Tragedy's brains all over the floor.
Antoine Dodson:
Run and tell
that
, homeboy.
The camera focuses on AGar's corpse, and a graphic displays that "AGar (Mafia Goon) has been killed". A similar graphic pops up - "Tragedy (Mafia Goon) has been killed" - as the camera cuts to Tragedy's body. The shot switches to the entire room, and a third graphic displays: "Town [Fritzler (Two-Shot Dayvig), xRECKONERx (Vanilla Townie), Fate (Vanilla Townie), Katsuki (Vanilla Townie), brokenscraps (Vanilla Townie), Nexus (Vanilla Townie), InflatablePie (Vanilla Townie), PokerFace (Vanilla Townie), Ghostwriter (Vanilla Townie) and Ythill (Vanilla Townie)] wins!"
Back on stage, mith is looking at his notes on the podium, rifling through them. He looks up at the camera suddenly as one of the crew says something into his earpiece.
mith:
Um... welcome back! Well that was certainly a memorable game, one for the record books! Isn't that exciting? On with the show... our next award is presented by Andrius, representing the first half judging group, and danakillsu, representing the second half judging group. Let's welcome them on the stage!
As mith exits stage left, the microphone catches him muttering under his breath...
mith:
What the [removed] just happened? That's a whole [removed] half a [removed] hour of dead space that we're going to need filler for... wait, am I still... cut the microphone, you [removed]...
Andrius:
Er... thanks, mith. This award...
danakillsu:
...recognizes originality and elegance in...
Andrius:
...game construction. The...
danakillsu:
...
Rube Goldberg Award
for Best Setup goes to...
Andrius and danakillsu:
dramonic for Tarot Mafia!
"I think the most admirable performance was dram's. The set-up and flavor were so interesting that they distracted from the game, but not so much that we ever missed a deadline. The set-up was elaborate enough to be mind-boggling and yet played out with perfect balance right up until the final vote." - Ythill
dramonic walks up to the stage in disbelief, clearly overcome with emotion at winning his first Scummie. He hugs everyone he can get his hands on as he goes, and finally reaches the podium.
dramonic:
Oh, my, this is so overwhelming. Thank you, judges, for choosing my setup for this award... and all the players, of course... and Vi, for letting me steal... er... his or her rules... and... oh, I know I'm going to leave someone out... Reck, get up here, I want to share this moment with you... I couldn't have done it without my love!
As xRECKONERx reaches the podium, dramonic turns to him, grabs his shirt, and pulls him close for a celebratory kiss... there is a mixed reaction from the crowd initially, a few wolf-whistles, a few jeers... but most everyone in the stadium agrees that the kiss has gone on quite long enough after the first two
hundred pages
minutes, and the "wrap it up" music starts to play. When that doesn't work, mith presses a button and teleports them to a less televised location.
mith:
We'll be right back, after this word from our sponsors.
In a darkened room, Ythill kneels before a holocorder where a flickering image of Mr. Flay is addressing him. The door is ajar and a murmur of conversation can be heard from the next room.
Mr. Flay:
...that can clean up off-color humor, homogenize memes, even prevent trolling and spam, but the Code cannot be transferred and the secret to rewriting it was lost long ago when old master jeep went disappeared into seclusion. It is rumored that he's hiding in your sector. Find him. Quickly. Even now, we are preparing the move to our new, fully armed and operational bulletin boards.
Ythill:
And this man, jeep, you are sure he is still alive?
Mr. Flay:
He is. You must find him. You must recover the Lost Code. The future of the boards depend on it.
SocioPath:
(off-camera) Ythill, hurry up. It's your turn.
Sudo_Nym:
(off-camera) What are you doing?
Ythill:
Just hold on! (to Mr. Flay) I will not fail you, master.
The hologram of Mr. Flay nods and then fades. Ythill rises and moves into the next room, where Brandi, SocioPath, Sudo_Nym, and Xine are waiting impatiently around a game board.
SocioPath:
It's about time, we're not getting any younger waiting for-
Brandi:
Why are you dressed like that?
Ythill:
There is no time to explain, and we're not going to finish this game. We have something more important to do.
Sudo_Nym:
But I'm winning!
Xine:
Is it time?
Ythill nods. Xine moves to the wall and feels for a hidden switch behind a painting. A panel slides back and a rack swings out of a hidden alcove. Hanging on it are suits of stormtrooper armor.
SocioPath:
What the…
Sudo_Nym:
Sweet.
Chattering amongst themselves, everyone goes to the rack and starts picking through the costumes. Most find suitable fits and start to strap the armor on over their clothes, but Sudo_Nym is still digging through the secret closet and is starting to look disappointed.
Ythill:
What's the matter?
Sudo_Nym:
I can't find any Fett armor.
Ythill:
There isn't any. You're scumstormtroopers, not scumstormbountyhunters.
Sudo_Nym:
Oh, but you get to be Darth Fabio.
Ythill:
Well… um…
Sudo_Nym:
It's not fair. I want to be a bounty hunter. So I can shoot everything with my missile launcher… and stuff.
Sudo_Nym illustrates by pretending to shoot rockets from a wrist-mounted launcher, complete with sound effects. Ythill shrugs. The others are mostly dressed. Brandi looks up from the task of drawing pink cat ears on her helmet.
Brandi:
Just get dressed, Sudo.
Grumbling, he does so. Before long the group is in costume. They are all dressed as stormtroopers except for little Obi-wan who is wearing an Ewok suit. Brandi has drawn cute stuff all over her armor. Xine's dreadlocks are sticking out from under her helmet. Ythill passes out some old Laser Tag guns to use as blasters, then ushers the troopers out onto the porch where he gestures to indicate the bright orange hippie van parked below.
Ythill:
Quickly, to the Millennium Punkin.
SocioPath:
What a piece of junk.
Ythill:
She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've made a lot of special modifications myself.
SocioPath:
Okay. Hold it right there. This is all wrong. You're a Sith knight with an Ewok son named Obi-wan, and now you're stealing Han Solo's lines? We're stormtroopers riding in a rebel ship? An
orange
rebel ship? This is all wrong.
Brandi:
It
is
pretty messed up.
Sudo_Nym:
Yeah. So
why
can't I be a bounty hunter?
Xine:
Would you guys please just get in the van? We can talk about this on the way.