The 2015 Scummies - CEREMONY!

[Scummies]

Zoraster and Thesp sit in the Admin tower. Thesp's desk is covered in books and papers which he references every few moments while furiously typing on his computer. Zoraster's desk is completely empty except for his computer, which he's leaning away from so he can toss a small rubber ball at the wall and catch it.

ZORASTER:

This is ridiculous. It's just... it feels like we never have any time to ourselves, you know? It's always work work work work work all the time, no time for relaxation or play. And this is something that we're doing for no pay at all, which sucks because I really need to get a job; a lawyer's salary just isn't cutting it for me right now. I need time to focus on my writing, but I feel I won't get that as long as we still have to do everything.

The printer begins spitting out the pages of whatever Thesp was working on, giving Thesp a moment to stand up and cram a few bills in Zoraster's free hand. Zoraster absent-mindedly puts the bills in his pocket, then continues to throw his ball against the wall.

ZORASTER:

It'd be so much easier if we could just delegate things to the moderation team, but all that happens when we do that is they argue about who has to do what and then we have to sort out who's responsible for what and it always ends up being more work than just doing it ourselves.

Thesp walks over to Zoraster's computer, reaching over him to type a few things. Zoraster looks interested in it for a moment, but the numbers and letters and forward slashes (or are they backward slashes?) mean approximately nothing to him, so he continues throwing his ball. The printer is still printing. Zoraster's stomach growls. The door opens, and a delivery boy enters. Zoraster exchanges the money in his pocket for two sandwiches and two drinks. He chews on his sandwich thoughtfully, setting the other down on his desk for later.

ZORASTER:

What if we just made one of them the boss of all of the others? That way, we could just hand out everything that needs to be done to one person and then that person can deal responsibilities out as they see fit.

The printer stops printing. Thesp organizes the papers into two piles; the first pile is placed in a folder with a black and white photo of Joseph C. Cannon on the front and then onto Zoraster's desk, while the second pile is placed on top. The door opens again, and this time a tall teenager wearing a hoodie and jeans enters.

TEENAGER:

Now, I didn't exactly plan this out before I got here, but I managed to finally trace all of your activity to a location while I was trying to hack this place; I started hacking it because there was someone else who was a friend of mine who failed and then was losing all of their hacker cred because they failed to hack a game website... Still not a good start, huh? I'm sorry for trying to hack into your stuff, but I'm really impressed with the defenses you've built up and the ferocity of your counterattacks; the only reason I've come here is because your last counterattack completely roasted my computer and... is that an avocado, tomato, and mustard sandwich? You knew I was coming?

The teenager unwraps the sandwich, spilling a little bit its contents on the form that sat underneath it.

TEENAGER:

CyberTigers Defense Task Force? This application is for me? Well, of course...! I don't really have any formal training or anything but I've spent pretty much my whole life training for this, and my dedication is strong enough where I spent the last four days without sleep just trying to hack into... your defenses. Sorry, I'll just eat my sandwich and fill this out now before you change your mind.

Zoraster turns on the TV to help him think as an advertisement for BATMAN VERSUS SUPERMAN VERSUS THE HULK comes on.

ZORASTER:

Maybe we could host a BATTLE TO THE DEATH and the surviving moderator becomes the head of the moderating team? No, no, that would never work, for who would they rule over if the entire moderating team was dead? Hmmm.

The door opens again, and in comes Zoraster's old college friend Fferyllt with an extremely annoyed expression on her face, which softens when she sees the folder sitting on Zoraster's desk.

FFERYLLT:

Zor, I can't believe you kept that folder all this time! Unfortunately, you'll need a little more than just a couple sentimental gestures in order to make this worth it for me. I've taken a huge risk in coming here, and if this article for LAWYER STUFF AND STUFF LAWYERS LIKE isn't up to snuff, my reputation will be completely shot.

She flips through the pages in the folder, shuffling through them before shutting the folder, smiling.

FFERYLLT:

Heh. I see I had no reason to worry. I'll look through this back at the office, but it seems you are going to make us a rich pair of individuals.

ZORASTER:

Maybe something arbitrary, then, like a hotdog eating contest or a trivia contest of something. A test? Oh god, but then I'd have to grade tests. Or make up a trivia contest. Or buy a bunch of hotdogs. No, we need something that is cheap, requires no work on our end, and will be resolved with a minimum of casualties.

FFERYLLT leaves, narrowly avoiding bumping into Antihero as she leaves.

ANTIHERO:

Okay slackers, your server fee payment is due. Hohum's sent me specifically to collect because he knows that I'm the only one who will return with the full payment for this year and last year, and I aim to prove to him that I am worthy of the trust he's placed in me.

The teenager looks up.

TEENAGER:

Brother?

ANTIHERO:

Telltaleheart? I... didn't know. You're applying for a job here? That's... that's wonderful! I always knew that you had real potential, and I knew that you would find your calling one day; of course, I won't collect the server fee money from a place of your future employment; I'll pay off the server fee myself. It's the least I can do for a company that is doing so much for my sister... I am sorry for bothering you, gentlemen.

Antihero and Telltaleheart leave together after Telltaleheart slides the completed application towards Zoraster. Thesp walks up and retrieves it, bringing it back to his desk and entering her information into the system while the ending of old episode of Celebrity Apprentice comes on. Thesp and Zoraster look at each other.

ZORASTER:

I've got it!

THESP:

We're going to have ourselves a good old fashioned DEMOCRATIC ELECTION!

[Scummies]

[Scummies]

DRENCH:

Hello! I'm Drench, and I'll be the person that explains stuff about context that was formed over years and years of debate and countless games that we'd rather not show during the ceremony because ain't nobody got time for that.

That last subjective clause that I used was an example of a particularly dank meme. Now, if you're not sure what a meme is, you probably don't have the wherewithal to Google it, so I'd simply suggest picturing them as internet inside jokes in that they are essentially nonsense when you don't understand the context behind them. If you do understand the context, however, sometimes they are funny and sometimes they still suck.

Now, our site is a very diverse and varied group of people. As a result, there is only one fair way to divide everyone on the site in two groups: those who appreciate these dank memes, and those who don't. After much arguing and debating, these two groups have pushed their most compelling candidates forward. For the Dank Memes, candidates are the following: CooLDoG, inte, Majiffy, Hanasawa, InflatablePie, Not_Mafia, Elbirn, AngryPidgeon, and Zulfy. For the Anti-Dank Memes, candidates are the following: Mina, Yosarian2, Kublai Khan, and Nachomamma8. Separate primaries will be held to determine who is to be the candidate representing each party, and then a final election will be held between the two finalist to determine who becomes the new Head of the Moderating Team.

Happy Election everyone! And may be odds be forever in your favor!

[Scummies]

VoidedMafia wakes up in the morning, brushes his teeth, and takes a shower, just as he always does. He puts on a fresh, black suit with a white shirt and red tie. He puts some hair gel on his hair, and admires himself in the mirror for a moment before logging onto Mafiascum real quick to make sure that he was still meeting Bulbazak at the awards show. He has 50 new messages. VoidedMafia's heart drops. Something terrible happened, the awards show was cancelled, maybe something happened to Mith?

Just making sure we're still on for today

Sent: Sun Feb 28, 2016 9:01 am
From: Bulbazak
To: VoidedMafia

Hey Voided,

Just wanted to double check that we were riding together to the awards show together - make sure that you are ready by 4:00PM; I can probably delay EddieFenix for an hour or so, but he really, really hates being late and I won't be able to hold him off for much longer than that. I'm really looking forward to this; this is the first Scummies Ceremony I've ever been to, and I've heard that they are usually really crazy and really awesome affairs, so I'm sure we'll have plenty of stories to tell our kids when it's all said and done!

Getting a bit worried

Sent: Sun Feb 28, 2016 11:24 am
From: Bulbazak
To: VoidedMafia

Hey man,

I really don't want to bother you and be that annoying guy who constantly spams your inbox even though you have everything settled but I'd really like some sort of response to make sure that you're still coming. I guess I'm probably just a little too excited because I'm already dressed up and ready to go even though we still have like 5 hours, but normally you're pretty communicative about this sort of thing and I have a bad feeling that you're sleeping still, which is cool but still man we've been planning this for months.

WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU???

Sent: Feb 28, 2016 4:57 pm
From: Bulbazak
To: VoidedMafia

I've held off Eddie for as long as I can, just kept holding faith that you'd show up but you really let us down right now. We're going to try to go ahead and get into the ceremony without an official invite even though we hear security is going to be extremely, extremely tight this year: I can't believe that you're doing this; are you still sleeping, did you forget, what?

I suppose this is partially my fault since I should have known you might sleep in or whatever the heck you're doing right now and grabbed your phone number, your address, something, but I still hope you make it there because it won't be the same without you. If you get this message, call me at 555-476-2123 ASAP and I will make sure that Eddie comes to scoop you up, but we're getting on the road really, really soon.

AWESOME

Sent: Wed Mar 09, 2016 1:30 pm
From: Bulbazak
To: VoidedMafia

Sorry for not messaging you for so long, hope everything's okay man.

Here's a link to the Scummies Ceremony from this year; I ended up filming the entire thing for you, so I hope you enjoy it! Please message me back when you get the chance; no one there had heard from you but everyone seems pretty confident you just missed it or something, so I guess I won't worry too much.

VoidedMafia lets his head fall onto the desk. He missed the Scummies. He writes a quick PM to Bulbazak with a bunch of apologies, loosens his tie a little bit, and then clicks on the link Bulbazak sent him.

Good to hear from you!

Sent: Fri Apr 01, 2016 10:02 am
From: Bulbazak
To: VoidedMafia

Glad everything's okay on your end and I'm really sorry you ended up missing the Scummies, but there's supposed to be an election today that is supposed to be a bigger affair than even the Scummies! We're on our way to watch the anti-Dank debates, but they don't start for a while yet. Are you in?

[Scummies]

UNTROD TRIPOD:

"Please welcome the presenters for the first group of awards, your winners from last year: N, FakeGod and Untrod Tripod."

Untrod Tripod waits for applause. When none is forthcoming he clears his throat, and the audience suddenly realizes it's time and begins to applaud a little too enthusiastically as the presenters walk onto the stage and approach the podium.

As the applause finally dies out, there is a bit of confusion as to who's going first. N gets pushed to the fore and sort of stumbles up to the podium and adjusts the microphone, causing a little bit of feedback, before beginning:

N:

"Nobody really knows what nuances will be noticed by the notorious nominators nor which nominees need know the... "

N drones along for awhile using every possible word beginning with an "N" sound before finally coming to the point.

N:

"Now we all know what comes next: there are numerous moments each year that necessitate our notice. Notably these moments are the ones told over and over again to laughs. The Nost Nemorable Noment award is how we honor those moment.

And the Kodak Moment award for Most Memorable Moment goes to..."

Voidedmafia for continuing to play after end game

"I'M STILL READING THE REST OF THE GAME GODDAMMIT!" - Voidedmafia

"This is sad...I feel like someone should stop him just so he doesn't waste his time catching up, lol. I mean, it's not exactly in the title that the game is over so how else would he know!" - Singersigner

N finally gets yanked away from the podium as Bulbazak comes forward to accept his award. N stares at Bulbazak for a moment, then shrugs and gives him the award anyways.

BULBAZAK:

"Hello, my name is Bulbazak, and I'm a friend of VoidedMafia's. He didn't show up today, we were supposed to show up the the ceremonies, and I guess that he forgot the Scummies ceremony was today or something? If anyone knows where he is, let me know, please."

The crowd roars with laughter; Untrod Tripod claps a very confused Bulbazak on the back while ushering him off the stage. Majiffy starts chanting Bulbazak's name, which causes the rest of the crowd to follow. Untrod Tripod waits patiently on stage for the crowd to settle down before presenting the next award.

With a light chuckle, FakeGod hobbles up to the podium, and leans his crutches up against it.

FAKEGOD:

"As you may remember, last year I won this award for inventing a new lovers mechanic to show my love for..."

Kuribo begins to growl from his seat in the audience, as people around him surreptiously try to move out of his way.

FAKEGOD:

"... ahem. Well let's leave the past in the past, shall we? This award is for those crazy inventors out there who tinker with the game and come up with the best new role or the craziest new mechanic or even just a general mutation of the game. These are the trailblazers, the daydreamers, the mindwanderers; in short these are the people who keep us all from playing the same game over and over. "

FakeGod seems to zone out for a few moments. Head trauma? Only Kuribo knows.

FAKEGOD:

"A great set of nominees this year, but in the end, there can only be one! The Mad scientist award for Best Mutation goes to..."

Varsoon for his Alliance Mechanic in Stephen Universe

"Fantastic game you made Varsoon." - Fluminator

"Varsoon, this was definitely one of my favorite games of mafia anywhere." - Fro99er

Varsoon ambles up to the podium to accept his award, basking in the applause. Each time the applause begins to die down, he slows his roll until it picks up again. It's almost as if the applause is what fuels his journey to the stage.

VARSOON:

"Thanks for all the applause, all you cool cats. I created this alliance mechanic because I wanted to give people a chance to experience alliances they were comfortable with instead of random alliances that breed distrust and are usually full of either paranoia or stagnation. It was really quite an interesting experience from a moderating perspective as I got to watch all the various neighborhoods each day. Of course it was all quite a pain in the a..."

Untrod Tripod unceremoniously grabs the mic away from Varsoon before the acceptance speech turns into a lengthy treatise.

UNTROD TRIPOD:

"Let's have another round of applause for Varsoon and his Alliance mechanic."

Untrod Tripod slaps Varsoon on the back and gives him a light push towards stage left and then begins to applause, encouraging the crowd to join in and power Varsoon off stage.

UNTROD TRIPOD:

"And now, much to my disbelief..."

UT looks to stage right and loudly whispers "Are we sure this is right? This card doesn't have my name on it!"

UNTROD TRIPOD:

"Ahem. So now we come to the award for the best flavor. Modding is a lot of work, and much of it is thankless. Players are soooo demanding, and most of them don't even bother to read the flavor! That's supposed to be the best part. But we don't let that sort of work go without recognition. An astonishing number of mods toil away putting hours of work into their games, just on the flavor, so that even just one person might read it and have a bit more fun. There were many mods who did a great job this year, but one in particular stood out: The paperback Writer award for Best Flavor goes to..."

UT looks back to stage right and whispers loudly again "Are we really sure?" and then turns back with his best winning smile.

Magua for Mod Error Mafia

"The roles and flip scenes were hilarious to read." - saulres

"Magua for Site Overlord!" - VysePresident

Magua walks out to the podium to claim his award. He holds the trophy aloft to the heavens with both hands for a few moents, staring upward, and then slowly lowers it back down.

MAGUA:

"I can't say that I'm surprised. After all, when I finished writing everything for this game, angels descended and played heavenly music to the perfection that is my prose."

Magua begins walking away, but then steps back and looks at UT intensely for a moment, and then says "Cocks? Really?", then turns and walks off stage with a satisfied smile on his face.

[Scummies]

Viewers everywhere are getting ready to tune into the first debate, set to take place in Seattle. The countdown on everyone's screens is approaching 5 minutes remaining. On stage, SleepyKrew prepares himself for the shitshow that is about to commence. He contemplates how he too once considered a career in politics, but a DUI in high school put an end to that dream, and now he's stuck working in television and making 30 Rock references instead of memes. The countdown strikes and remains at 4:20.

SleepyKrew: Let's meet the candidates!

All nine candidates come out and are introduced. Their podiums are arranged so that those with the most retweets are in the center. Currently, the most trending candidate is CooLDoG due to his inflammatory remarks that he will make masturbating at least thrice daily mandatory for all able-bodied penis-havers should he win, with all violators being castrated. Next to him are Majiffy and InflatablePie, that latter of whom is experiencing increased public exposure due to as-of-yet unsubstantiated rumors that he is a robot. inte and Elbirn, both seasoned memers, take up the fourth and fifth slots. AngryPidgeon and Not_Mafia take the next two. Hanasawa, who is generally unknown, and Zulfy, a newcomer to memes, round out the group. Emblazoned on each podium is the Seattle logo, a marijuana leaf. The candidates are surprised to see a buzzer on their podiums.

SleepyKrew: Our first question will go to whoever buzzes in the fastest. How would you describe this debate?

InflatablePie buzzes in almost immediately. He seems to have come up with an answer faster than the other contestants can even process the question.

InflatablePie: Dank.

The crowd starts cheering. The other candidates smile wistfully at their missed opportunity.

SleepyKrew: Haha yeah, that was a good one. The rest of the questions will be directed at specific candidates. The first one goes to CooLDoG. Do you stand by your earlier proposed masturbatory plan?

CoolDoG: I absolutely do. And can I just say, it's great to be here in Seattle, the dankest city on Earth!

His attempt to curry favor with the crowd seems to be a success, as he elicits almost as loud a cheer as InflatablePie did.

It is at this point that most of the people watching the debate on TV start to get bored. They decide they'll just watch the highlights on YouTube tomorrow.

[snip]

SleepyKrew: Hanasawa, you're not very popular in the polls so I'm only going to ask you one question.

Before he can ask Hanasawa the question, she interrupts him.

Hanasawa: I'm just here so I don't get fined.

The crowd greatly appreciates this pandered meme, and they go home with a favorable opinion of Hanasawa despite it being the only thing she said. However, the quote is not as popular outside of Seattle, and so she remains an unknown and mostly ignored entity.

[snip]

Elbirn: Maybe you should stop getting

*inte*

so much trouble.

The crowd boos. One woman stands up and makes sure her opinion is heard.

Angry Lady: Puns aren't memes!

Elbirn: I'm sorry! Won't happen again, m'lady.

This prompts even more boos, as Elbirn forgot to tip his fedora.

[snip]

Not_Mafia: I'm totally definitely one of the other candidates.

SleepyKrew: ...No. Shut up. AngryPidgeon, do you think being gay will affect your chances to win?

AngryPidgeon: Well people that like memes are shitty people, and homophobes are shitty people. So I do see it as an uphill battle, but it's one I'm willing to fight.

[snip]

After the debate, three candidates drop out. Elbirn decided his gaffes are too great to overcome; he does not release an official statement. Zulfy and Not_Mafia both give short interviews to explain.

Zulfy: It was fun while it lasted but really everyone knew I was just a passing fad.

Not_Mafia: lol jk I'm me gotcha.

[Scummies]

Iecerint straightens up his tie and smiles at himself in the mirror, clearing his throat and going through his vocal warmups one last time. He'd been waiting forever to be discovered, and this was his big break; the debate would be remembered for his insightful questions, his disarming smile, and his ability to root out the truth wherever it lay hidden.

He allowed himself to be ushered to his spot at the podium and smiled as the light shone on him. He gets a thumbs-up, and takes a deep breath.

IECERINT:

Welcome. I am Iecerint, thank you for joining me here today. You are moments away from witnessing the experience of a lifetime, what will truly be remembered as a moment in history. This debate is the first debate of the Anti-Dank candidates, and it is being broadcast internationally, in several languages, and is the result of thousands on thousands of Mafiascum Users submitting their questions and concerns for these candidates, the hope of our future, to address; millions more have weighed in on our Official Mafiascum Twitter Account (@Mafiascum), and I alone have sorted through all of these hopes and concerns and condensed them into a few short, biting questions that will reveal for all to see the one true Leader of the Mod Team. Now, it's time to meet the candidates!

The crowd cheers loudly, so the viewers at home thinks they are heavily invested intellectuals who are excited about Mafiascum's New Hope. In reality, everyone knows what to expect; there is Mina, the candidate with far more resources and name recognition than any other candidate, and then every other candidate. A few of Mina's followers cheer genuinely for her impending win because for them, this is a new future that they will have a hand in creating, and they are excited at the prospect of being so close to true power. Iecerint's chest puffs up in pride.

IECERINT:

Joining us first is the former List Mod Mina!

Loud applause.

Former Scummies Winner Yosarian2!

Quieter applause.

Discussion Moderator Kublai Khan!

Still quieter applause.

And Nachomamma8!

Silence. A couple of people sitting way at the back clap but Iecerint doesn't care. The crowd has disrespected him. He quickly gains his composure.

IECERINT:

Before the beginning of this momentous event, it is of the utmost importance that I first establish the rules we shall follow. Each candidate will get one minute to respond to any questions that I may ask of them, and 30 seconds for follow ups and rebuttals; I will also allow candidates 30 seconds if they are viciously attacked by any of their fellow candidates. All candidates will get no longer than the time allotted to them; if they go a second over, the speakers will be flooded with the Nyan Cat theme and all viewers will be subjected to a picture of the extremely barbaric and infuriating YOU MAD BRO meme. So, we'd like to take this time to remind all viewers that if they are subjected to anything that is extremely distasteful to the point of offending their intellect, it is the candidate's fault, not the network.

And with that, let's begin. Each candidate will receive one minute to introduce themselves.

Mina smiles.

MINA:

Thank you, Iecerint. I am Mina, as you all know. I am proud to have served under Mith during the entirety of his reign as a Loyal Advisor, as a member of the Scummies Steering Committee, a winner of several awards, and now as the one to serve you all as the Newbie List Moderator. I have spent my entire life looking for a way to help people grow and become respected members of our community, and have spent these past few years listening and learning to all of the wonderful people who surround me, and I have determined the way to make Mafiascum a better place: by investing in the Newbie Queue, by improving the Matrix6 setup, by making the IC requirements stricter and the reviews more comprehensive, and by creating a more transparent and more engaged moderating team: this will help to totally recreate Mafiascum from the ground up.

Iecerint smiles back at Mina. One minute is up. Mina pauses for a moment and smiles again as Iecerint allows a tiny piece of his frustration to escape as he slams his hand down on the button. Nothing happens.

MINA:

I know that I've been around this site for a while, and I know some of you have concerns that I am only around this site to take control; let me quell those doubts now by telling you that I wouldn't have been able to stay as dedicated to this site as I have been for as long as I have been without a true, genuine love for Mafiascum.net. I will also say that it is extremely important that we band together now to defeat the DANK MEMES; I believe we all share a common interest of not seeing the site turn into such a disgusting spamfest.

As Mina smiles one more time and the crowd obligingly applauds, the debate shifts into a commercial break as technicians come on stage and repair Iecerint's button with apologetic looks on their faces. Iecerint is silent and stoic until they have finished and left the stage.

IECERINT:

We apologize for those technical difficulties; we are now back on the air! And now, without any further ado, Yosarian2!

YOSARIAN2:

Thank you, Iecerint. You know, I really respect the people of Mafiascum and I'd love to become their leader in order to encourage a return to reasonable discourse within games; far too often does emotion run high and people get angry and offended without-

Nyan Cat theme plays.

IECERINT:

Thank you for those wonderful words, Yosarian2. Kublai Khan, go.

The camera hurriedly zooms in on Kublai Khan, visibly shaken.

KUBLAI KHAN:

Thank you, Iecerint.

Nyan Cat theme plays.

IECERINT:

Great work, Kublai! Nachomamma8, your time to shine!

Nacho clears his throat.

NACHOMAMMA8:

Do you know what I'm sick of?

Nyan Cat theme plays.

NACHOMAMMA8 (yelling):

I'm sick of spam. I'm sick of people running off their mouths constantly without anything to say. I'm sick of watching this same old dance where the establishment's puppet gets elected even though no one cares.

Nyan Cat theme stops.

NACHOMAMMA8:

Thank you, Iecerint. I'm sick of it. And I'm here to change it. You don't have to accept Mina as the lesser of two evils; what about pushing for the things you actually

want

? I think Mafiascum is facing an unprecedented crisis before us; we are actually drowning in spam - did you know that 1% of the posters on Mafiascum make 90% of the posts? And the moderating system is too corrupt to do anything about it; as long as those spammers keep filling the pockets of mith and Thesp and Zor the spammers keep spamming. People are pouring countless hours of dollars into supporting people like Majiffy and Mina because they promise that they will keep their interests in heart, that they will set them up in a nice house in Suburbia with a white picket fence. And you know what? I don't stand for that. I stand for automatic queues, I stand for ripping the moderating team down from their high horses; I am the only one who stands for actually making Mafiascum.net a better place.

Crowd roars with approval as Iecerint beams.

IECERINT:

And that's it. Debate's over, everyone go home.

[Scummies]

paid for by Nacho for MS

[Scummies]

VoidedMafia stands up after watching himself win an award (what a weird experience that was), and pours himself a glass of milk. He briefly wonders if he should PM Bulbazak and ask him if he still had the award; he was really happy that he did end up winning Kodak Moment, even though he would have liked to be there to witness it himself. His thought process is interrupted by loud booing outside of his window, which he investigates by opening for a brief moment.

ANGRY LADY:

Puns aren't memes!

VoidedMafia shuts his window, wondering briefly if he should wander outside to see what that odd bit of nonsense was about, but then tells himself he will probably be disappointed by another odd group of stoners and instead decides to finish drinking his milk. Seattle had been a strange city lately; he kept hearing buzzing of scummers's names from strangers on the street, but he always dismissed it as Scummies hype. Maybe something else was going on?

SEATTLE!!!

Sent: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:11 pm
From: Bulbazak
To: VoidedMafia

Eddie and I just made it to Seattle! It's a beautiful city even if it does smell strange to me, and we've met a bunch of people who said that you live somewhere around here but couldn't really remember where. I'm hoping that we can run into you along the way; I brought your award, just in case, sorry for going on stage and accepting it for you LOL I was just hoping that someone would be able to help me find you and then just sort of got carried away by it. I think I'm going to check out the DANK MEMES debate even though Eddie doesn't really have any interest in it; hope you check your PMs and write back soon!

But then again, that would probably be a terrible idea; Voided needed to catch up on the Scummies before he showed himself in public again or he would be teased even more than he would be otherwise.

[Scummies]

4nxi3ty strolls out onto stage, bedecked in various pins and accessories celebrating just about every country in the world /not/ affiliated with the United Kingdom. Nexus stands up in the crowd and races toward the stage, a sort of deranged look on his face, before he's tackled and dragged sobbing out of the auditorium by security.

4nxi3ty:

"Well. That was predictable, wasn't it? That's sort of the point though, yeah? If you want to make a /really good/ setup, you need to know how certain things will trigger other things which then cause other things, and on on and so forth. A good setup is a bit like one of those fancy machines people make where you just nudge a little ball and then all of these things happen perfectly in sequence like it was all set up ahead of time. What do they call those again? Doesn't matter really; beside the point after all. The point is, the best setups account for how everything will interact and afterward it all looks as if it were planned out ahead of time... which, well, it kind of was."

4nxi3ty stands still for a moment, clearly trying to remember the name of the award being presented.

4nxi4ty:

"Ah, yes. That's what they're called. Without further delay, this year's winner of the Rube Goldberg award for Best Setup is..."

hitogoroshi for Signs & Voids

"The setup was so good, words cannot possibly describe it" - Anonymous

hitogoroshi comes forward to recieve his award. As he's about to start giving an acceptance speech, he's ushered off stage as Fake God comes back out to present the next award. As they pass Fake God quietly whispers, just loud enough for the first few rows to hear: "Sorry about that. Who knew 4nxi3ty could actually talk so much?"

Right before FakeGod is about to address the crowd, he disappears and reappears on the ceiling, wearing an all-black trench coat. He gives a votecount for the current award winners before beginning his speech. He speaks with a booming voice from the very top of Mafiascum.net/forum and seems divine, as if he were some sort of neutral third party governing the affairs of the people beneath him.

FakeGod

:

Scummies 2015: Votecount 1.0

Varsoon

(1):

Mad Scientist

VoidedMafia

(1):

Kodak Moment

Magua

(1):

Paperback Writer

Hitorogoshi

(1):

Rube Goldberg

Not Voted

:

Modfather Mafia, Community Contributor, Best Replacement, Rising Star, Most Enjoyable Player, Best Third Party, Best Scum Team, Best Town Team, Don Corleone, Paragon of Mafia Hunters, Game of The Year

FakeGod

:

The Modfather Mafia:

With 5 contenders alive, it takes 1 team of Scummies judge to end the game.

Deadline in 30 seconds.

The ModFather award is highy prestigious. Moderators from all corners of mafiascum.net/forum attempt to harness the power of the modfather. It shows dedication to the art of modding, and keeping a neutral powerful position over lowly town people. Not any schmuck can post vote counts in a timely manner. After a brutal discussion, verbal debates of the most fiery nature only one nominee remained...

Marquis

has won the

Modfather Award

"One of the most creative mini normal setups ever... there's no doubt Marquis goes above and beyond with flavor, design, visuals, setups" - Fro99er

Marquis

: Thank you so much. I work hard to make sure my setups are wild! I just try so hard to ensure that everyone has as much darn fun as a…

Marquis abruptly stops talking, and ascends to the mysterious top of mafiascum.net/forum, and begins speaking in the same booming voice heard when FakeGod spoke.

Marquis

: Scummies 2015 continues
Next award's deadline in

5 minutes.

The crowd roars with approval as Marquis floats off the stage.

Thesp steps up to the podium and waits for the applause to die down.

Thesp:

"I have the privilege of presenting one of the most important awards this year. Mafiascum is, at its core, a community, and every succesful community thrives because of the contributions of its members to the overall good of the community. We are at our best when one among us sees something that needs to be fixed or could be better, or even sees a possibility of where something might exist that doesn't which would make things better. Many of our members are quiet contributors who go about their business, whether it be modding games, or volunteering to help with projects, playing in the newbie queue to welcome new members to our community, or even just being willing to be a reliable replacement. But some years, and this year is definitely one of them, someone will do something that really stands out as an outstanding contribution to the community."

Having managed to somehow get all of that out with just one breath, Thesp stops and gasps for a moment.

Thesp:

"I am happy and honored to announce the winner of the Dan Harmon award for being a Community Contributor is..."

Wguerts for Contributions to the MafiaScum Wiki

Applause breaks out and Thesp looks around for Wguerts. After a minute or so, he realizes that Wguerts is probably asleep because timezones, and simply walks off stage as stirring music begins the next segment of the program.

[Scummies]

DANK MEMES & TOP KEKS 2016
FOR A BETTER MAFIA SCUM DOT NET SLASH FORUM

[Scummies]

Both parties hold their first primary on the same night. The primary is only open to users who are banned from the Speakeasy. Thesp and zoraster get ready for the results to start coming in. There are already empty beer cans (Budweiser, if Peyton Manning asks) strewn around the floor thanks to Thesp. zoraster is putting the finishing touches on his custom drink, which mixes an Italian dessert wine with distilled sugarcane byproducts. He calls it a Vin Santorum, and it tastes like poop.

zoraster: I still don't get why we're doing thi-

Thesp presses his index finger against zoraster's lips.

Thesp: Good. Old fashioned. Democratic. Election.

Inspired by his own words, Thesp sets out to make himself an Old Fashioned. His mixing skills are even worse than zoraster's, but luckily he is distracted by the results.

Majiffy wins big. This is unsurprising, as banned users often support other banned users, regardless of the type of ban or reasoning behind it. AngryPidgeon's worst fears become reality. Shitty people are indeed too shitty to vote for the gay guy. He drops out. Hanasawa becomes bored with the whole thing and decides to drop out too.

Nachomamma8, a complete unknown before the election, manages to grab 70% of the votes, which is a surprise despite his influence with banned users thanks to Mina's overwhelming popularity and influence. Mina grabs most of the rest of the votes, with Yosarian2 and Kublai Khan combined pulling in a pitiful .5% of the votes. They both drop out in shame, with Kubai Khan not releasing an official statement and Yosarian2 commenting that the world wasn't ready for logic quite yet.

[Scummies]

paid for by Majiffy for Scumbag 2016

[Scummies]

inte: hello i'm inte

i didn't win the banned user vote

maybe being banned would have helped me?

then again being banned would ruin everything

after all how can i win the race if i'm banned

good thing i didn't get

*inte*

any trouble lmao

cough cough being banned should mean you're ineligible cough achoo

bless me and bless you

[Scummies]

MALE VOICE:

And remember when you vote, vote for me! I stand for the banned!

VoidedMafia shakes his head at the insanely stoned people yelling outside of his window yet again. He was thinking that it was definitely getting near time to move, the neighborhood was getting rough. Which was weird because all Voided ever saw outside were pretty normal and calm looking people, but the noise levels outside were rising to riot levels. He turned on the radio for a moment to drown it out, but the only thing on the radio was some nonsense about "remembering to vote", which meant that the radio announcers were also likely smoking Marijuana because it was nowhere near November yet. Voidedmafia sighed, resuming his Scummies feed, then immediately pausing it again when he remembered he needed to message Bulbazak about his award, but stopped when he saw the title of the first PM. He didn't want to deal with any stoners right now, and he was especially sad that his friend had become one of them.

DANK DEBATES

Sent: Fri Apr 01, 2016 1:36 pm
From: Bulbazak
To: VoidedMafia

Holy cow! The dank debates were amazing! After the debates were over and everyone stopped talking, some of the dank memers saw that I had your award and they thought they were you and they picked me up on their shoulders and cheered your name until I convinced them I wasn't you. They're a little hard to understand, there are definitely some crazy people in that crowd (there was one candidate who made a pun and some crazy woman just ripped into him), but apparently the winners of Kodak Moments are very important to them and they know you live in Seattle and so they gave me some places you frequent, so I think I'm going to check them out just to see if I can manage to run into you; this is something I'm going to make sure you don't miss!

Your friend,
Bulbazak

Ah, well. Nothing he could do about it now. Maybe he'd try writing a response later when he wasn't so frazzled about everything. VoidedMafia clicked play.

[Scummies]

PeregrineV:

Hello there, I am here to present the

Best Replacement Award

. I think replacements are a crucial part of the site. I have a speech prepared, let me just go backstage for a minute and I’ll be right back out! Don't worry guys, this speech I'm going to produce will be great!

PeregrineV heads behind the curtains

ModFather declares that the time is up, and that the Best Replacement Award Presenter needs

Former Best Replacement Winner Displaced

Displaced walks in, fresh and ready to start a presentation for the

Best Replacement Award.

Displaced

: The best replacement award is special because it honors a player who saves game states from turmoil, and manages to invoke new life into the the slot, as well as incredible skill in delivering a solid performance afterwards. Replacements are a necessary component in making sure games run… *checks watch* uh oh, I have an emergency V/LA, Voidedmafia can’t find his way to the arena.

@Mod, I have to replace out, sorry

.

The ModFather’s booming voice returns and echoes across the forum

Marquis

:

Plotinus replaces displaced as presenter of the Best Replacement Award

Marquis disappears again

Plotinus

: Hi guys! I am here to talk about the important nature of the replacement award. I find, in my experience, that a fresh replacement can completely change the philosophy behind the game and change its pace entirely. In an average game, often a prime number of people will be replaced! This is particularly interesting because prime numbers are not divisible by anything! Much like people. Oh? Am I getting off track? Oops.

Plotinus opens the envelope

Plotinus

: The winner of Best Replacement is…

Plotinius!

"They replaced into an essentially dead Town slot & immediately started to Obv-Town themselves & saved a slot that was almost a default lynch earlier in the phase. They went on to read through the entire, 100+ page thread, analyzing her thoughts in thread, and in the process, caught onto two scum who were widely Townread at that point." VysePresident

Plotinus:

Me? Oh well, that is sort of odd. Thank you so much!

Kagami stmbles on stage with an eyepatch, a parrot on her shoulder, and a fifth of rum in her left hand. A few members of the crowd cheer for YARRRGAMI, but are quickly shushed so that Kagami can speak.

Kagami:

Yarrr! Shiver me timbers! A Rising Star is a player in our community who has joined recently and has shown true potential to be a great player, or is already a great player not known to the community until now. Swashbuckling scallywags!

Kagami's parrot squawks as Kagami pauses for a minute, catching her breath. The crowd consensus seems to be that Kagami's pirate accent was better when she wasn't forcing it so hard. Kagami senses the crowd's reaction, throwing the fifth of rum out into the crowd and straightening her posture.

Kagami:

And the winner of the Rising Star award for the best Up-And-Comer is...

Plotinus!

Regardless of Plotinus's alignment, their play this game is basically Rising Star (at minimum) worthy: if town, that level of effort and willingness to stand by their principles even when being voted by town is unheard of, and saved the game for us all. If we were going for sheer spirit, then I'd vote BRantz easily over Plot. Plotinus as town certainly deserves the win. - mastin2

There is a pause for a moment as the Scummies Staff drag Plotinus out of the Winner's Circle and back onto the stage. They stare at the crowd, confused.

Plotinus:

Another award? Well, thank you, I'm just not sure I deserve it, this was really amazing of all of you! I think all of the other people who were nominated were also very deserving; Postie in particular-

Scummies Staff drag Plotinus and their award back into the winner's circle.

Next, Bookitty gets carried out on a throne, carried upon hundreds of screaming enthusiastic scummers. The entire forum awaits an entertaining moment so patiently you could hear a pin drop.

Bookitty

: Hello there, peasants. I am here to pass down the torch of entertainment. I am the pinnacle of entertainment here on mafiascum. <3 I adore you all, and I

know

you adore me. Anyways, I MUST return to more important matters, ensuring the internet at large has enough dank memes to go around. The winner, and very last Most Enjoyable Player winner ever is… assd;sjdfaksdjsahjdas...?

Bookitty

: Complete gibberish? This cannot be real. What has happened to Mafiascum.net?

Understanding exactly what that gibberish means, Antihero clumsily stumbles to the stage, and immediately *farts* into the microphone

Antihero:

The winner of Most Enjoyable Poster is...

Antihero!

“He routinely makes me die of laughter, is super kind and always ensures players have a great time whenever he is around” - hiplop

“oh, i know. i have a knack for catching people at the worst times. my weirdo college roommate who had this odd habit of putting his socks on the doorknob (i guess he was a ... reverse germaphobe...? do those exist?) always got mad at me when i walked in on him having sex. freak.” - Antihero

Antihero

: Oh gosh, this is the worst timing. I was eating a burrito when and I have the WORST indigestion rn.

Bookitty scoffs at the barbaric nature of the “Most Enjoyable Player” of mafiascum.net/forum.

Antihero burps, and the entire audience erupts in cheering and competing in a site-wide beltching contest of their own. Bookitty melts due to the degradation of humour that has occurred on MS

Bookitty

: I’m melting. I’M MELTING. I miss the days of sophistication, here.

Antihero

: The burrito is coming back to haunt me, gotta go. *Farts*

Audience cheers, begins to bow as Antihero bolts to the sign out button.

[Scummies]

Nachomamma8 is sitting on a couch in a living room; video quality is somewhere between "drunk bathroom selfie" and "blackout bathroom selfie".

FEMALE VOICE:

Okay, it's recording.

FEMALE VOICE:

Hey! Aren't you the guy running for the head of the moderation team?

NACHOMAMMA8:

I am!

FEMALE VOICE:

That's so cool! I love all of your positions on cutting down spam and making Mafiascum a better place! Could you talk about them for me so that I can be more educated while debating politics with my friends?

NACHOMAMMA8:

Well, of course! I am Nachomamma8, a candidate for the head of the moderation team. I've been a user on this site for many years, and have tried to push for change several times; each and every time I have been banned by the establishment, silenced by them because they perceive me to be a threat. I never liked politics, I never wanted to be involved in them, but eventually after trying and failing several times to change the site that I love so much, I realized that the only way to make anything to happen is to play the system.

If the people see the same vision that I do and elect me head of the moderating team down, the very first thing I will do is crack down on all of the corruption and favoritism of the moderators; there are a few missing stairs that most people know about that need to be taken care of, and doing anything it takes to take power out of the hands of those who have proven they are incapable of using it properly is my first order of business.

My second order of business will be combatting spam posters. As you most likely know, taking out spam posters is a cause that is very near and dear to my heart; some of the greatest players on site get pushed out of games because their attempts to read the game and leave them further and further behind. Legends turn into lurkers when overwhelmed in spam posting, and newbies turn their backs on the site immediately if they encounter a spam poster before a good player, which is becoming more and more likely.

Of course, there is much, much more to my plan, but I don't want to take up too much more of your time; you have a party to enjoy, after all.

FEMALE VOICE:

Thank you so much! You are an amazing person; I am going to send this video to every network I know of because you seem like a person who is much too humble and normal to pay for advertisements for themselves! I will also encourage everyone to tweet their opinions and concerns with Nacho with the hashtag #fightthemanwithnachos which I will create immediately after this party ends!

MALE VOICE (quiet, fast):

This video is paid for by Nachomamma8 for Moderation President.

[Scummies]

Drench:

Hello and welcome to Numbers Talk, I'm your host, Drench.
Today we're going to be talking about something near and dear to my heart. The ongoing election. Ordinarily talking about ongoing matters would be prohibited, but the ban on this has been lifted specifically for the campaign! So, let's get to it then.

As it stands, here are the votes for the non-dank primaries:

Votecount 1.05a

Mina

[1,045] - Glork, zoraster, singersigner, Equinox, LlamaFluff, N, Thesp...

Nacho

[576] - Reck, T-Bone, BROseidon, Aeronaut, Dwlee99, Brandi...

Some other rabble

[...] - whocares

And for the dank-primaries:

Votecount 1.05b

CooLDoG

[764] - Wisdom, RadiantCowbells, Titus, Frozen Angel..

Majiffy

[474] - reinoe, F-16_Fighting_Falcon, Astinus, NakedJogger, Salamence20..

InflatablePie

[122] - UT, Not_Mafia, Elbirn, Angry Pigeon, Sudo_Nym..
...
..
.

whocares

With 18604 users onsite, it takes 9303 to hammer. A remarkably unlikely number to be hit, so it's likely we're going to be seeing some plurality-enforced deadline rulings for these votes. Something interesting to consider is that despite Nacho steadily catching up in numbers, there are many who feel as though it's a futile effort primarily due to the number of supervoters currently in play which all appear to be voting for Mina. Every supervoter is coincidentally a moderator/administrator/fancy pink coloured individual and gets to vote fifty times for whichever candidate they choose.

On the dank side of things, you have many spam posters who seem to be trying to vote for candidates more than once. It seems as though their mafia-habits transcend into voting-habits as well. Many of these dank posters feel frustrated that their playstyle is being targeted by the moderation team. With increasingly more rules on whether players can post absurd amounts of gifs, youtube links and terrible memes in-game. Dank-voters seem to feel that if people can't keep up, that's their problem and moderation intervention is unlawful.

There is certainly reason to be frustrated with the establishment as things stand. Now, if it were up to me, I think it would be better for all of us if we were to just abolish first past the post voting entirely. Segmenting the vote up into various sections such as Mayfair, Little Italy, New York, etc. just makes it possible for individuals to be elected without the popular vote. It's really just quite concerning all around.

But I digress, in other news Nacho's "Fight the Man with Nachos" message appears to not be making much of an impact on newbie votes, who seem to be entirely voting for Mina. Despite his best efforts to appeal to these voters, many in this demographic seem to prefer Mina's record on running the site based on her experience in the Newbie Queue.

Majiffy has been doing extraordinarily well with banned users with whom his story resonates very strongly. Many within the dank party question whether such votes should even be counted as valid.

In conclusion, as the numbers stand, it seems as though Mina is the most likely to take the entire race, but it would be foolish to rule out CooLDoG and his aggressive campaign, as there is clearly a lot of unexpected momentum generating for him. Only time will tell.

On that note, we appear to be out of time for today!
This has been Numbers Talk, thanks for tuning in.

[Scummies]

The second dank meme debate is held in Denver and is moderated by notoriously handsome basically-a-doctor MattP. He thinks the debate is part of his audition for a reality show and is oblivious to the fact that there's a real actual election with a real actual Dank Memes party. Somewhat unfortunately, being attractive can put you in a protective bubble where you go through life being incredibly uninformed and also not getting obscure 30 Rock references. While the last debate had a marijuana theme, this one starts when the countdown hits beer o'clock (Budweiser if Peyton Manning asks). Only the four dankest candidates remain. They all seem a bit tipsy.

MattP: Our first question will go to whoever buzzes in the fastest. How would you describe this debate?

InflatablePie buzzes in almost immediately. He seems to have come up with an answer faster than the other contestants can even process the question.

InflatablePie: Something about buds! Because beer and marijuana and Peyton and hanging out with my only three friends!?

It looks like the beer is messing with his

wiring

brain. MattP gives an exaggerated eyeroll, then turns and does it again so a camera at a different angle can capture him doing it too.

[snip]

Majiffy: So yes, I'm pretty damn proud about my win.

CooLDoG delivers an eyeroll of his own before speaking. Not to be outdone, MattP cattily raises an eyebrow.

CooLDoG: jesus, I thought I liked strok-

inte

*inte*

rrupts him.

inte: are the only things you can talk about your dick and your ego? what about the memes

CooLDoG: I'll have you know I'm very proud to have talked about masturbating so much that it became a meme. Have you ever created your own meme, or do you just copy others?

inte: it is precisely because i copy others that i am more qualified than you, for what skill is more necessary to be a memer

CooLDoG: But wanking is important too!

Majiffy sees an opportunity to step in.

Majiffy: Butt wanking is important too!

After he finishes patting himself on the back and chuckling insensibly, he addresses the silent crowd.

Majiffy: Read the transcript. I hope someone's transcribing this.

MattP worries that the producers at the studio will only get a transcript instead of the footage. How will they know how sassy all his cool facial expressions looked like? Suddenly, InflatablePie shoots his arm up, as if waiting to be called upon. MattP obliges.

InflatablePie: Let's dispel with the notion that mith doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

inte is the first to break the long and awkward silence.

inte: you know mith's not doing anything right? that's why we're having this election

CooLDoG: Wait is this election to become head of the mod team? Holy shit.

inte: how did you not know that omg

This continues for quite a while. MattP is close to abandoning his dream to be a reality television superstar. He'll have to make due on a measly doctor's salary instead. After staying quiet for a while, InflatablePie starts shouting.

InflatablePie:

Let's dispel with the notion that mith doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

MattP: ...I think it's time for closing statements.

Majiffy: Banned people can totally win. Prove them wrong by voting for me and making me win.

CooLDoG: For real I get to rule the mods? Give me that power.

inte: i'm surrounded by idiots please vote for me also donate i need money plz

InflatablePie:

Let's dispel with the notion that mith doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Let's dispel with the notion that mith doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Let's dispel with the notion that mith doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Let's dispel with the notion that mith doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

-------

Faraday stands in front of the crowd waiting to be let into the second Anti-Dank Debate. They are clearly growing restless, but the unspoken threat in Faraday's eyes is enough to keep them quiet.

FARADAY:

Zar, Group A is secure and ready to enter. How's everything looking on your side?

Zar straightens his tie and makes sure that his gun holster is hidden by his suit jacket. In his left pocket, there is a button that will cut off the television feed in case the crowd needs quelling, while Zar laughing or interrupting a candidate's answer signals that a situation needs to be handled that is not significant enough to cancel the event. He prays silently that it won't come to this; the rumors of corruption in the moderating team are more numerous now than they've ever been and the establishment can only cover up so much, but stopping Nachomamma8 here is critical to the operation.

ZAR:

Send them in.

The crowd is noticeably more excited and engaged than they were for the first anti-DANK debate, despite Group A being composed primarily of Mina's closest supporters. They will fill enough seats so that the network can paint reactions to Mina's performance today as being overwhelmingly positive.

FARADAY:

Zar, Group B is secure and ready to enter.

ZAR:

Send them in.

Group B is the group that worries Zar most; these are the people who still possess influence that has yet to be pledged to a side. They've been placed in the center so that they can be protected by Mina's people when Group C inevitably eats itself alive, but also so their view of the debate is tainted by Group A's positive reactions. They quietly take their seats, which doesn't ease Zar's worries; a silent crowd is an unpredictable one.

ZAR:

Hold off on Group C, possible red flag.

FARADAY:

Roger that.

ZAR:

Welcome to the second Anti-Dank debate! Please welcome our remaining candidates: Mina and Nachomamma8! By now, I'm sure you already know the rules, but as a quick refresher, you get one minute for answering questions and 30 seconds for follow up and rebuttal. Nachomamma8, how do you plan to stop spam posting when your extended absences from the site leave you familiar with a very small portion of spammers and your promise not to ban any members as an effort to "quell the establishments tyranny" means that you have no direct method to prevent them from posting?

CROWD MEMBER:

This establishment meeting is bullshit! Mina and her cronies control everything in this debate! Wake up sheeple! Wake up sheeple! Wake up-!

----

Meanwhile, at the Admin's viewing tower, Thesp is sitting happily in his camping chair with a recently mixed Old Fashioned with the tiny little American Flag toothpick used to stir it still inside. He is singing the word "Democracy" (set to the tune of "O' Christmas Tree) to himself at a volume that he finds reasonable enough. Zoraster's mind oscillates between strangling Thesp, strangling himself, and crying in a corner while Zoraster's manners preventing him from doing any of the three. The feed of the debate cuts off, showing a black screen.

Thesp stops singing, draining the three-fourths of the contents of his Old Fashioned and spilling the rest all over himself. The cube of ice left in his glass begins to rattle.

THESP:

Where did it go? Zoraster, where did it go? Zoraster, you have to fix it. How can we have democracy if democracy isn't on the television? Zoraster?

Sighing inwardly, Zoraster gets up and takes Thesp's glass.

ZORASTER:

Thesp, you can't enjoy democracy without a glass of Old Fashioned Democracy! Let me mix you one and then I'm sure I can figure out how to fix the feed and you won't miss anything at all!

Before Thesp can respond, Zoraster expertly mixes another Old Fashioned and delivers it to Thesp's camping chair.

THESP:

The American flag.

Zoraster fishes one of the fifty American flag toothpicks out of his front pocket and drops it in Thesp's drink. Thesp smiles for a moment. Zoraster walks up to the TV, and, knowing nothing about technology, gives it a hearty punch. The feed returns.

[Scummies]

ZAR:

Nachomamma8, your one minute is almost up. Are you choosing not to answer?

CROWD MEMBER:

FIGHT THE MAN WITH FOOD! OVERTHROW THE STATUS QUO WITH OUR MAN NACHO!

Nachomamma8 smiles.

NACHOMAMMA8:

With all due respect, it seems the people already have.

Cursing silently, Zar presses the button in his left pocket.

---

ANNOUNCER:

We apologize for the inconvenience, but the candidates are getting fatigued and have requested a commercial break! Please enjoy these commercials from both remaining candidates!

Zoraster frowns momentarily, glancing over at Thesp, who is still singing happily and seems completely unfazed. Zoraster stands up to mix an emergency Old Fashioned Democracy.

MINA:

Hello! I am Mina! I have been working for this site for a long time and have invested my heart and soul into every facet of it.

Scenes show Mina shaking mith's hand and taking a picture with his newborn child, mining with some rough looking coal miners, giving a speech in front of a group of graduate students.

MINA:

I am the most experienced candidate, and the most qualified. I have no need to mention other candidates because they are so grossly uneducated and inexperienced that I can't imagine any of you brilliant, lovely voters casting your ballot for any of those clowns. I am also the most trustworthy candidate; this is a face that cannot lie, which, of course, is a handicap in face to face, but a huge asset for the leader of the moderation team.

A scene shows Mina giggling at a scum role PM and Faraday and Zar immediately pointing her out, then all laughing good-naturedly together.

MINA:

Vote Mina for Leader of the Moderating Team!

-----

ZAR:

Faraday, what the hell is going on out there?

CROWD:

FIGHT THE MAN WITH FOOD! OVERTHROW THE STATUS QUO WITH OUR MAN NACHO! FIGHT THE MAN WITH FOOD! OVERTHROW THE STATUS QUO WITH OUR MAN NACHO! FIGHT THE MAN WITH FOOD! OVERTHROW THE STATUS QUO WITH OUR MAN NACHO!

Faraday:

Oh, nothing much. Just... overthrowing the status quo. You know?

Zar rips his earpiece out, throwing it to the ground and smashing it with one well-placed stomp. He places a hand on the holster on his hip as Nacho's agents who have been planted in the crowd take Daffy Duck masks out of their coats and jackets and put them on. The first of them gets to him within a minute, and promptly gets beaten back with the butt of Zar's pistol.

Group A immediately begins beating the crap out of everything that moves, taking out years of pent-up aggression on anything around them while Group C does the same to anything not wearing a Daffy Duck mask; meanwhile, Group B, who generally genuinely has no idea what the hell is going on, panics and tries to flee, mostly accomplishing nothing except trampling their fallen brethren. Another straggler makes it on the stage, and another straggler is knocked out cold with Zar's left loafer.

ZAR:

Mina, you need to get out NOW!

Mina nods, rising up from her handcrafted ebony chair. She extends her hand out to Nachomamma8.

MINA:

Come on. It's time to go.

Nachomamma8:

How can I trust you?

Mina glares at him for a moment, then turns to leave for the exit door. He follows.

---

Zoraster frowns as the debate cuts out once again and is replaced by a smiling man with his thumbs up and the words "THE DEBATE IS NOW OVER! THANKS FOR WATCHING!". He had a bad feeling with the impromptu commercial break earlier, but this is a sign of things going very, very south. He half-hoped that Thesp was passed out from the Old Fashioned Democracies, but knew it was his right as co-admin to accompany Zoraster to the debates, although Zoraster imagined he would do more harm than good.

ZORASTER:

Thesp, I think it's time we intervene.

Zoraster stands up to grab the emergency Old Fashioned Democracy, reaching into his pocket for a tiny flag to serve as the finishing touch, but soon finds the drink and the flags are gone. He turns around. Thesp's camping chair is empty.

ZORASTER:

Thesp?

Zoraster briefly considers running out of the admin tower to find him before realizing that this could be his one and only chance for peace and quiet. Humming quietly to himself, Zoraster grabs his keys and prepares to drive home.

[Scummies]

paid for by Mina for Mafiascum

[Scummies]

Chuckling heartily at the latest batch of the awards, VoidedMafia went to the fridge to grab another glass of milk. The noise outside had settled down some, and so VoidedMafia cracked open his window to enjoy some fresh air, which, oddly enough, smelled less weedy than it usually did. VoidedMafia had a horrible feeling he was missing something again, and so this time, he tossed on a fedora and went out the door.

Strewn all around him were campaign posters and election flyers for THE SUPREME OVERLORD OF MAFIASCUM, or "Leader of the Moderation Team", or "Whatever You Want", or "THE BOSS". VoidedMafia frowned, rushing back inside his house and back to his computer. He knew he had to read his PMs; Bulbazak probably had some important info, but he also knew that he had to finish the Scummies. He was curious; while there were antics this year, there weren't any antics that required the entirety of the known universe that had came up yet, so he knew he was missing something. So, after chugging his milk as decisively as he could, VoidedMafia pressed play.

WOAH

Sent: Fri Apr 01, 2016 3:58 pm
From: Bulbazak
To: VoidedMafia

I made it to the second Anti-Dank debate, and holy crap, I barely made it out alive! At first, they wouldn't let me in because they didn't know what group I sorted into and then I met Faraday (THAT Faraday!) who nudged me and handed me a Daffy Duck mask! While inside, I also met Mastin2 and she said that you were good friends and that you would probably be very happy to see me and I convinced her to give me your address!

But then, when I made it outside, there were riots everywhere! People in Daffy Duck masks were fighting other people with Daffy Duck masks and fighting people without them! I really hope you're home because this is crazy!

See you soon?

[Scummies]

A mysterious figure walks up to the stage, and begins to speak using overly aggressive hand gestures. Something doesn't seem quite right with this presenter

Mysterious Person:

The Hannibal Lecture award is all about being sneaky, being the absolute best third party you can be. This means having to pull the strings, and act as a puppet master sometimes. You’re competing against not only the town, but also the scumteam. It is an elaborate balancing act. Sometimes you have to act as if you're a psychiatrist...

All of a sudden

, the mysterious person falls to the ground. It becomes apparent that The Mysterious Person was a Puppet, controlled by none other than Skullduggery

Skullduggery:

And sometimes a murderer. A serial killer. You all fell for my trap card. I was pulling the strings all along. I won this award last year, and the fact that you nerds are STILL falling for this is insane. I have taught my tricks to this years winner. The winner of

Best Third Party

is…

Marquis for New York 183

"After the Mafia team was completely killed off, Marquis had to push 5 mislynches in a row with only his own kill to help him."

- The Bulge

Marquis’ booming voice is heard from the shadows

Marquis:

Hello, Clarice. I graciously accept this award, Clarice. I am modding this whole thing, and despite being the most cunning manipulator, do not worry I can be trusted. Don’t suspect a thing. I promise I’ll be nice. I promise.

As Marquis floats off the stage again, T-Bone walks onto the stage, holding a small toad in his hand. Marquis comes onto stage exactly five minutes later, making a disgusted face at the toad in his hands.

Marquis:

Ugh! Toads are such disgusting things! What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you bring something like that into a classy upscale event like the Scummies? Get away from me! Now!

T-Bone:

But... we were supposed to present the awards together? We won for being a team, remember!

Marquis:

I don't care! Either throw the thing out or get the hell away from me!

T-Bone shambles to the far right of the stage, while Marquis moves to the left. They smile in unison.

Marquis:

There are certain times in mafia where the best move is to distance from one of your own so that no one thinks that you could possibly be an aligned pair.

T-Bone:

And the winner of this year's Best Scumteam Performance did exactly that; they lulled their enemies into a false sense of security, and then stabbed them in the backs, one by one. The winners of this year's Murder, Incorporated award for Best Scumteam Performance are...

The scumteam of Reck's Retrospective Rehash (fferyllt, ChannelDelibird, Kise, ooba, and Nexus)!

They powerbussed a buddy early on and rode town credit. Reading their scumtopic was a joy -- they were all active, and they all put in TONS of effort overnight to perfect their fakeclaims and establish strategies for the following day. Their moves were all cold and calculated, and despite giving the appearance of being screwed early on in the game, it was all a planned bus and the final three managed to manipulate a MASSIVE town in a very swingy, unpredictable game. - xRECKONERx

Each member of the scumteam walked onstage and bowed in unison, before pushing ooba off into the crowd. The crowd laughed and helped him up, but later the Scummies Staff would receive complaints about stolen wallets in the exact vicinity where ooba fell.

Next, Pirate Mollie skips to the stage singing “Cars That Go Boom”. She has a huge grin on her face.

Mollie

: Hi guys

Whats goin on?

i am here to present the Best Town Award. I relle think this is a good award to present to ppl. it emphasizes the imprtnce of friendship and it’s really a lot of fun! mafia can sometimes be rele frustrating and I dunno no any1 who does not understand how important it is to get along and fun the mafia together. This is cos mafia is all about togetherness. ANYWAYS this years games were really good and I am so excite to present the award to…

The Town of Mafiaception (Fro99er, hiplop, Wickedestjr, ChaosOmega, PeregrineV, Spiffeh, AlbertBRampage, Katsuki, Tammy, Ricastle, Mariomaniac, Marquis, Farside22, Bulbazak, Drixx, and Gorkington)!

“They lynched all 5 scum in 5 days, blocked a nightkill, successfully used a unique mechanic-related ability to weaken the scumteam, and just played overall fantastic. They ended the game with more dead scum than dead town, and that says a lot.” – Glork

“Easily the best town performance I've seen in my time on the site.” -Jackall711

“I got owned” - Titus

The award winners are wheeled on stage, all slumbering in a massive canopy bed

Award Winners

:

*Snores loudly into the microphone*

The award winners are all peacefully asleep, dreaming of the dream that they had in their dream about winning this award.

[Scummies]

zoraster gets ready for the results of the second primary. The voters in this one are The Establishment, including the mod team. zoraster is proudly wearing a sticker proclaiming that he voted. He had been hoping to watch the results show with his wife, but as soon as he mentioned Vin Santorum, she remembered she had to go to a job interview right then. Still, he was content being alone. It beat having to put up with Thesp. It was strange. Thesp had always been the calmer, more reasoned one of the pair. But something about good old fashioned democratic elections really got to him. During a commercial break, zoraster's phone starts ringing.

zoraster: Hello?

zoraster's wife: Hi honey! It's me, your wife.

zoraster: Oh hello, my wife. How'd the interview go?

zoraster's wife: Pretty well. I think I've got a good shot.

zoraster: That's great to hear! Now maybe we won't have to get by on my measly lawyer salary.

zoraster's wife: Well actually, there's something else I wanted to talk about.

zoraster: Oh?

zoraster's wife: Yeah.

zoraster: What is it?

zoraster's wife: I...

zoraster: You what?

zoraster's wife: I think I might be pregnant.

zoraster slowly sets down his glass. He grabs his remote and pauses what he's watching. The good old fashioned democratic election can wait.

zoraster: That's... that's wonderful! Are you sure?

zoraster's wife: Pretty sure, but not 100%. But pretty sure.

zoraster: This is incredible!

zoraster's wife: jk

Thesp kicks down the door as zoraster's wife hangs up. zoraster is stunned.

Thesp: It was a prank bro! Look, there's the camera.

zoraster turns and looks to where Thesp pointed, but sees nothing. Thesp uses this opportunity to grab the remote and skip to the results. CooLDoG gets a big win. Exit polling indicates that mods like his enthusiasm at the prospect of being their boss, and they don't care that he wasn't aware of the election's purpose until that debate. InflatablePie comes in last. It seems he's not receiving very much backlash for his strange

malfunction

behavior. Instead, voters are angry that the Pepe he spammed has depreciated in value from Semi-Rare to Not-Very-Uncommon. After a third place finish, inte suspends his campaign due to lack of funding. His final attempt at raising money, sitting on the sidewalk and asking each passerby for a dollar, had failed. Portlandia memes are pretty dank, but in this election and with this competition, they are not dank enough.

Predictably, Mina earns a huge win; her influence with the moderators pays off big time and allows her to crush Nachomamma8, who still somehow manages to pull in 15% of the vote. The only moderator willing to comment, who has asked us to keep them anonymous, simply stated that "the time for kings and queens has passed".

[Scummies]

paid for by After a Wank Super PAC