Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Xmas - Gaybepocalypse

[Bert]

Same.

1 day left I think. Will consult my brain and cast a vote tonight

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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[Wisdom]

VOTE: flames

[Bert]

VOTE: flames

[Wisdom]

lol gz

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Rick Santorum paced around the room, nervously.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Mr. Farah... I believe... I believe I saw you off, conspiring with my wife, did I not?"

Karen's body still sat in a pool of blood and feces in the kitchen. The cucumber mojitos had been to die for, though, so at least Rick had that silver lining to fall back on.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Joe... I'm asking you a question."

Joseph Farah was sweating. He was innocent, sure, but he was still nervous. His mind began to drift...

It was the summer of 2003 and the Afghan sun was beating down on Farah's head. Luckily, he had his head wrap to keep him mildly cool. He was sweating like a pig underneath, though. He didn't know his balls could feel that much like a jello factory, but apparently they could. These long robes that Osama made them all wear were obnoxious, but what the boss says, the boss says. It had taken Joe a few days to stop stumbling on the edges of his robes. The first few times he fell, his fellow brethren would laugh and shout, "الأحمق الأبيض"! Which, he had no clue what it meant, and someone had told him it meant "great gentleman" but he somehow doubted that.

In any case, his name was called, and he entered the bin Laden tent. Osama nodded at him and muttered, "على ركبتيك", and Joseph obliged. He had been through this before. He dropped to his knees, the hot Afghan sand burning like a thousand tiny fires in his kneecaps. Osama flopped his big, wobbly, uncut, terrorist dick out from underneath his robe and Joseph immediately took him in his mouth. This was the life. Joseph Farah was around a bunch of dudes, and they all hated America as much as him, and they all loved guns and bazookas as much as him. Being able to fellate the greatest terrorist to have ever lived was just a side bonus. And then, Farah thought about how weird it was that Osama was being blamed for those attacks, and Farah KNEW it couldn't have been him because he was too busy penetrating Joseph anally on September 11, 2001, but the thought floated away as Osama bin Laden bricked in Joseph Farah's mouth.

Back in the present, Joseph was still stammering.

JOSEPH FARAH

: "I... uh... I... I don't... I love Christmas?"

Rick shook his head.

RICK SANTORUM

: "If you want us to believe you, Joey, you're going to have to do better than that."

Rick reached into a nearby drawer and started fumbling around for something. Joseph Farah cartoonishly pulled the collar of his sweater, as if it would help him breathe.

JOSEPH FARAH

: "I... I didn't! I'm not! I wouldn't! I mean, just because... just because one sympathizes with... I mean not the

gay liberals

... the guys overseas! I hate liberals! Honest!"

Rick now found his reward: a .45 caliber revolver with brushed metal finishes and a grip the colors of Freedom: red, white, and blue. He spun open the barrel and began to load bullets into it.

RICK SANTORUM

: "I don't believe you."

JOSEPH FARAH

: "Rick... Rick, please! I hate them! I would've killed your wife myself if I could've! You've got it all wrong! I'm not--"

Rick turned and squeezed the trigger. A bullet ripped through Joseph Farah's shitty mustache, taking half his face off with it. He didn't even have time to utter a final, "allahu ackbar" before he was dead.

Flames682 [Joseph Farah],

Righteous Christian Warrior

, was lynched D5

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Rick was trembling.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Is it... is it over?"

But it was too late. Rick turned just in time to see the orange, leathery sack of flesh belonging to John Boehner slump to the floor merely ten feet away.

Wisdom [John Boehner],

Righteous Christian Warrior

, endgamed

RICK SANTORUM

: "John! John! No, god, why, not John! Anyone but John!"

Rick sobbed over the corpse of his friend.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Boehner! Goddammit, I loved Boehner! I admired how long and how hard that damn Boehner worked for me. Hell, that Boehner got me places that I never would've gotten, otherwise. He was a real gem. A genuinely nice guy... and man, that Boehner would fit in ANYWHERE -- and I do mean ANYWHERE!"

Rick's mourning was cut short as a neckbearded fatass slumping to the floor beside him.

Shinobi [Grover Norquist],

Righteous Christian Warrior

, endgamed

Rick sat back, tears in his eyes as he glanced upwards to meet the faces of his betrayers.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Wh--what? I can't... WHY? HOW? YOU?"

Sean Hannity knelt down, taking Rick's chin in his hand and smirking.

SEAN HANNITY

: "Rick, Rick, Rick... poor, poor, Rick. You just got left behind the times."

Sean smiled as his partner leaned down beside him.

SAM BROWNBACK

: "The liberal infiltration of the Republican party has been ongoing for generations, Rick. And now, we're in the right positions, and the final epoch is ready to begin."

Rick's eyes welled with tears and he struggled for understanding. Hannity stood from his kneeling position and picked up Rick's freedom gun.

RICK SANTORUM

: "DON'T YOU TOUCH IT! DON'T YOU TAINT THAT GUN WITH YOUR FILTH!"

Sean Hannity just cackled and tossed the gun to Sam Brownback.

SAM BROWNBACK

: "You Republitards were right about one thing, Santorum... fuck, are guns cool, or what?"

Brownback, in one fell motion, pulled the hammer, squeezed the trigger, and sent a bullet tearing through Rick's calf muscle. Rick cried out in pain as Brownback connected with another one to the other calf, leaving Rick bleeding and immobile on the floor.

SAM BROWNBACK

: "Go ahead, Sean."

Hannity ran into the kitchen. He began frantically turning on the gas stove and oven and anything flammable. He tore into the bathroom, reaching into drawers to find lube and anything that Coulter hadn't shoved in her asshole. The bedroom of the Santorums was next, and there were literally gallons of lube. Hannity began spilling the lubricant everywhere, from the bed to the hallway down to the living room. A few minutes later, he was done, and nodded towards Brownback.

SEAN HANNITY[/ b]: "Take solace in this, Mister Santorum. You had the great honor of witnessing the beginning of the New World before you perished. You were the last holdout from the Old World. Take care, buddy."

Sean and Sam turned from the living room, walking out the front door. Sean poured a trail of lube from the living room, out the front door, into the front lawn and down the sidewalk a bit. Rick's screams could almost be heard from their position, but not for long. Sam struck a match and tosses it down at the end of the lube trail, immediately sending a quick path of flames down the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the front stoop, and into the Santorum house. The fire caught quickly, and they waited, waited, waited... and then...

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

.

The mafia team of

Bert [Sean Hannity]

,

Aronis [Sam Brownback]

, and

Marquis [Karen Santorum]

have won the game!

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Sean Hannity gazed into the fire and thought about reactions. Back when he was in his pinko commie college, he took a basic chemistry course. He thought about how the fire was converting the orderly house into smoke and chaos. All the carefully bought knick-knacks. All the photo albums. All the bibles. Powerless before the flames. The warmth on his face brought him back to his radical training in Cuba. He and Fidel just walking on the beach, talking about communist governments.

Sam Brownback clapped him on the shoulder, interrupting his reverie.

"Come on Sean, it's time to call the boss. Let's do it together."
"Just a minute Sam, I want to savor this moment."
"There's still work to do."

Sean sighed and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed and held the phone between him and Sam.

"Tell me something good, Sean."
"It's done."
"Good."

The phone clicked silent. Sam and Sean turned back to the fire. Sam pulled a bag of artisanal marshmallows out of his manpurse and began looking for a stick. The secular future was upon them, and it deserved celebration.

President Barack Obama reached for the bath-phone and cradled the receiver between his shoulder and his ear. Michelle stopped scrubbing his back with the organic loofa and tried to listen to the other end of the call.

"Uh huh... yeah.... it's done? Thank you for your- Uh huh.... well yeah I do love my wife. Oh.... I see. How did you- Fucking PATRIOT act. What do I have to do. Really? I had no idea he was real. Well I'm not sure I want to kill him. No choice? Sigh. I guess you've got me. Just send- Oh. They're here."

He put the phone back.

"I've got to go. And they saw the videos"
"Oh fuck. Where are you going?"
"Just.... watch CSPAN."

He got out of the bath and walked towards his destiny.

President Barack Obama walked towards the bound figure. He lifted the ceremonial claymore gently and looked towards the camera.

"My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Christmas forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

He looked down from the camera. This was the biggest day. Stonewall, Harvey Milk, Windsor, Rocky Horror. Each built on the success of the other. This was the groom and groom topper on the gay wedding cake that was this victory. He hefted the claymore precariously up and swung down with all his might.

The head of Santa Claus fell with a thud.

Gay people were fucking in the streets. The alert had gone out on the wireless PAs they had installed in their homes. If only someone else had seen the signs. Only a small subset, on the fringes of society, had seen the patterns. Known, fruitlessly warned, of the impending gaypocalypse. Western Civilization had a good run, but it was washing away in a wave of jism. The remaining Christians could spend the last of their days thinking about the irony of their religion living its last days as an outlawed cult.

The shadowy figure cackled as he watched the dignitaries vomit. The tears of all the grieving children throughout the Christian world nourished him. The plan had gone off without a hitch. Dispatch sleeper agents to various areas of the media and culture in order to liberalize Christianity so that they could fight a covert war on christmas from within. Only the most devout and strident had suspected a thing, and no one listened to them.

He picked up a phone and dialed.

"This is the J man."
"Jesus, it's Gabe."
"GabeN! I was just watching the news. I guess it's over?
"It is. I got you a hat for the occasion."
"Cool. Hey, did you hear about Nick Cage's hair?
"No?"
"It ascended to godhood."
"Oh... okay...?"
"You don't think that's cool?"
"Jesus, you know I've been really involved in this project. I was in charge of-"
"Yeah, yeah, culture wars and sleeper agents blah blah blah. That shit is so lame man."
"You just need to focus on hunting down your followers."
"I'm on it man, don't sweat it."
"I need to call the big guy."
"Oh man. Look, I know I complain about you a lot, but I absolutely CANNOT stand him."
"We owe the whole plan to him. You better be nice at the brunch tomorrow."
"I will, I will. I just... can't with that guy."
"We're the ruling triumverate. We don't have to be friends. We just have to work together."
"I'll do what I can, dude. For you."
"Thanks Jesus."

Gabe Newell hung up the phone and hoisted himself precariously out of his chair. He gently set his finest ceremonial announcement hat on his generous dome. He had an announcement to make.
This year, Christmas....

is cancelled.

Spoiler:

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Spoiler: Town Role PMs

Joseph Farah

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Joseph Farah

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


You're using this party as an excuse to write a twelve part exclusive story about conservative icons who are in the trenches for the war on Christmas. You met Rick back when he wrote a column for WND, and you've been writing glowingly about his work ever since. Despite the fact that he's an orthodox Catholic and you are an evangelical Christian, you've been able to compromise your principles in order to join him in fighting the liberal aggressors in this war on Christmas. Now, most people would argue that your publication is irresponsible and exists only to capitalize on the racist anger lurking barely below the surface of mainstream white America, and those people would be right, but none of that matters because it's Christmas bitch, and this year everyone is getting race baiting.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Spoiler: Mafia Role PMs

Sean Hannity

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Sean Hannity

, a

Brainwashed Liberal

.


You've been quite the mouthpiece for the good guys for quite some time. You lived up to your immaculate journalistic integrity standards when you blew the truth behind Obama's

real

birthplace wide open. And when you saw the overwhelming amount of liberally biased evidence that proved Obama wasn't a secret Muslim, you didn't let those bleeding heart communists stop you from making sure the world knew the truth. You let them hear it every single day. All of those liberal morons, those

scientists

(ew), who spout phony bullshit about climate change being a real threat to the human race? You can see right through their scientific expertise and into their cold, bleeding hearts. Of course, when The Man Who Should Have Been President, Rick Santorum, decided to throw a Christmas gala to gain monetary funding to fight the awful War on Christmas, you were among the first people he called.

...but, you've changed. You barely noticed it at first when your children, Patrick and Merri Kelly, wanted to watch that new Pixar movie. It was just about a cute little robot named WALL*E, how could it possibly be dangerous? But before you knew, it was too late. Pixar had masterfully disguised their newest brainwashing technology in the film, and by the end, the liberals had their claws in you. You were then picked up by a mobile task force and brought deep underground to their headquarters in Hell, where they revealed the truth to you... Christmas must be destroyed so that Christians can no longer stop the Obama Muslim Takeover of the United States of France and Jews. You understood. Your task was to destroy Santorum's Salvation Army from the inside out at this Christmas party, and they identified a few other sleeper agents you could trust.

Abilities

Hippie Commune Collective

: You may speak with

Aronis

(Sam Brownback) or

Marquis

(Karen Santorum) using this Private Topic during any phase.

Pecking Order

: Your team must collectively agree upon a list before the end of the Day Phase to determine the order of picking for the next White Elephant phase.

Your Dick in a Box

: Once per game, you may use your 1-shot ability to secretly swap out the contents of a giftbox during the White Elephant phase with a poisonous giant black dildo. This will kill whoever opens that box, and you will get whatever was inside instead.

Win Condition (Mafia):

You win when your team is equal in number to the town, or nothing can prevent the same.

George W. Bush

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

George W. Bush

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


You're the man of the hour. Started an illegal war? Check. Ran the economy into the ground with tax cuts? Check. Enforced policies that discriminated against gays, womens, and blacks? Check, check, check. The man, the myth, the legend... GWB. Of course you were invited to this party. Well, not invited, exactly, but you're kind of the ex-President so it's not like any of this buttcheeses can say no to you. And just in case the deal wasn't secure, you offered to bring Rick a custom painted portrait of his manly, nude body standing shimmering over the Capitol building, American flag inserted tightly into his anus. Some may call it a bold move, but you call it an expression of just how much Rick loves America. He loves it so much, he'd bend over and let Freedom fuck him in the ass. It's not gay if the balls don't touch. And plus, you had to get your way in when you heard about the party... these rich old white fuckers always keep that pure Colombian shit around.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Ann Coulter

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Ann Coulter

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


So you opened the door to the party and were incredibly surprised and disheartened to see not a scintillating forest of erect black penises, but the arid sweater vest desert that personifies the shame you can't wash off that constantly oozes out of your pores because of your crippling addiction to black cock. Oh black cock, why do you push away that which you love so dearly. Clearly you punched in the wrong address and there's an interracial orgy missing a spiteful leathery snow bunny, but now that they've seen you here you're just going to have to ride it out. It's so fucking boring trying to make small talk with people about the weather and politics and whether or not we should be at war and yadda yadda should Muslims be allowed to have free speech (no), but maybe you'll get some networking in to help you milk some more cash out of your part in fighting the War on Christmas. Hey, why not be highly paid AND on the right side?

I wonder what Barack's dick tastes like.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Mitch McConnell

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Mitch McConnell

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


You're the most powerful man in the Senate, sure. But you've so far been powerless to stop the endless aggression of the gays and secularists towards your beloved Christmas holiday. To be completely honest, this whole War on Christmas thing is only secondary to your burning desire to destroy the ozone layer in an elaborate plot to cause California to fall into the ocean via earthquake, but that's going to take decades. Those filthy fucking starfuckers over there will scream your name as they go down. But, in the meantime, you need another group to hate, and this War on Christmas thing seems perfect. Your Baptist faith being diametrically opposed to his orthodox Catholicism is no obstacle to your and Rick's determination to win the War on Christmas. He sent you an invitation (not for your wife, since he's Catholic and she's your second wife) and you're going to hobnob with other conservative icons (potentially to help line your pockets) and powwow with Rick to figure out battle plans. You were actually a little shocked to learn that this many rich white Christians were interested in helping keep Christmas the dominant winter holiday, but being on the right side just feels right sometimes. Fuck Kwanzaa.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Grover Norquist

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Grover Norquist

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


One day you were minding your own business, lazily masturbating to CCTV footage of white overseers verbally abusing mexican farmhands, when the voice of God spoke to you. You knew your mission: to literally drown the federal government in a bathtub. Once you came down from the acid you realized that the federal government wasn't a literal person who could be murdered, so you decided to make it your mission to use your extremely smart and nuanced methods of argumentation to convince Congresspeople to cut taxes as often as possible and decrease the size of the federal government. Rick isn't the biggest fan of your particular branch of libertarian right wing extremism, but you never turn down food that you didn't have to pay for so you're going to fill your pockets with cookies and fruitcake. Hopefully there'll be some people here you don't currently have blackmail on and you'll be able to get some more leverage for your tax jihad. Oh yeah, your wife is Muslim. Don't tell anyone. It's your private shame.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

John Boehner

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

John Boehner

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


Ahh, Boehner. You're a magnificent orange bastard. And to be completely honest, you can't stand these fuckers. When you got into politics, it wasn't really to work with assholes like this, but hey, a job's a job. And given the fact that you run the House of Representatives, it's a pretty sweet gig. Federal law prohibits smoking on Federal grounds? Eh, you can just write in a law that smoking is now allowed in, uh... let's see, where's your next meeting... for the next two hours. And then you can wash down that silky smooth smoke with a bottle of whateverthefuck whisky you've got under the desk, because fuck it, it's not like you're actually going to do anything productive with your time. This Congress may be a joke, but you're the one laughing all the way to the bank with your $225,000 a year to sit on your ass and blow smoke. So maybe you have to humor Rick and his crazy friends and deal with this War on Christmas shit, but you'll do it, and hell, maybe you'll even give a speech about the secret gay agenda to ruin Christmas, because that'll help grease your pockets from the special interest group and keep you in your wonderful, liquor and cigar-stocked office until the day you die.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Timothy Dolan

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Timothy Dolan

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


Your Eminence is all up in this business. Although, you were kind of under the impression that there'd be a few rentboys around, what with this being a gathering of mostly male, anti-gay, GOP leaders. But it's all fine... anything you can do to grease the wheels a bit is fine by you. These people are here to be warriors in the War on Christmas, after all. And your people need all the help they can get, what with that fucking HERETIC Pope Francis in charge right now. I mean, this guy really thinks he can just waltz in and start being all PROGRESSIVE!? You're the Catholic Church, for Christ's sake! You've spent DECADES shitting all over the disenfranchized minorities in the world and touching little boy wee wee, and now Pope Francis wants everyone to be all hand-holdy? "Oh, gays are okay now, love them..." I mean, SERIOUSLY!? A huge chunk of your meat market just went flying out the closet door, which means you have no more heavy suppression to jam into their faces. Ugh. You better hope this fundraiser goes well, or there will be Hell to pay.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Bill Donohue

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Bill Donohue

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


This is your LIFE! You've been campaigning against the War on Christmas for years, now. You haven't held back. Shit, you even blasted George W. Bush, perhaps the most conservative President in modern history, for giving into the Liberals and their war. You know, the War completely designed by all the faggots and non-Catholic heretics out there. The sexual deviants have won the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere (probably with the help of those Jews and Baptists), but now you have a room full of people ready to listen to your crazy fucking ideas and throw money at the problem. Just the mental image of a Christmas tank that shoots exploding ornaments with Jesus' face on them is enough to get your manpussy all wet.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Spoiler: Mafia Role PMs

Sam Brownback

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Sam Brownback

, a

Brainwashed Liberal

.


As governor of Kansas, you did exactly what needed to be done. You held

true

to your principles, slashing and cutting taxes, just like good old Ronald Reagan would do. And you know what? It worked! The state fell $300 million short of its budget goals and the poverty rate skyrocketed. Perfect! Kansas is practically a rich person's paradise now, with a wealth gap so huge you could fit Michelle Obama's arms in it. Now, you're living the high life... you've got oodles of black people staying right where they should (in poverty) while your corporate buddies get to take you out boating and partying. I mean, sure, the schools have gone to shit because of how hard the budget cuts hit them, but fuck it! Who needs educated children? The Republican Party was

built

on fucking morons, and you're just doing your part to ensure that the next generation of little ones don't run off and get all educated and leave the party.

...but, one day, as you strolled through the dustbowl slums in disguise to throw rocks at the poor people, you happened upon something... magical. It was a Kwanza celebration, and there were people gathered around, and all these fancy lights everywhere, and they were SINGING! Oh, what a glorious noise, it was... breathtaking. And as you raised the rock over your head to throw at them, they all turned and stared at you. The chanting got louder, the lights got brighter, and then,

ZZZZZZZZZBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAP

! A ray of magic Kwanza light shot out from the sky and penetrated your skull. Suddenly, everything was beautiful! You ran towards your brethren, ripping off your disguise and revealing yourself as the person who put them in that ghetto! They promptly beat the shit out of you, but it's okay! You deserved it! When you woke up, you were at the secret Liberal headquarters in Hell, and a masked figure, speaking in a deep, booming voice, explained to you that this would be the year the Liberals finally executed the final phase of the War on Christmas. With a militarized force of poor people (who all agreed to help fight for a ham sandwich), the Liberals will free the nation from its Christian tyranny and publicly behead Santa Claus from the Oval Office. But it all starts here, with this party hosted by Rick Santorum. All the leaders of the war to save Christmas, gathered in one room... of course you have to take them down. Luckily, a couple other sleeper agents are there to help you out...

Abilities

Hippie Commune Collective

: You may speak with

Bert

(Sean Hannity) or

Marquis

(Karen Santorum) using this Private Topic during any phase.

Pecking Order

: Your team must collectively agree upon a list before the end of the Day Phase to determine the order of picking for the next White Elephant phase.

Your Dick in a Box

: Once per game, you may use your 1-shot ability to secretly swap out the contents of a giftbox during the White Elephant phase with a poisonous giant black dildo. This will kill whoever opens that box, and you will get whatever was inside instead.

Win Condition (Mafia):

You win when your team is equal in number to the town, or nothing can prevent the same.

Karen Santorum

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Karen Santorum

, a

Brainwashed Liberal

.


Throwing this Christmas party was a dream of yours! You get to host the

shit

out of this party. Nancy Reagan thought she could host a party? Fuck that bitch, she couldn't host her way out of a goddamned paper bag. These people are going to be attended to it'll BLOW THEIR MINDS. It helps that you make that bomb-ass eggnog, too (just a touch of brandy is the real secret). And you totally don't mind being a Catholic baby factory, because it's what you were born for. And you're GOOD at it. So good... I mean, as long as you ignore that whole period where you dated an abortion doctor, but nobody really talks about that (or the fact that you basically cheated on Dr. Allen with Rick and that's how you two got together). Doesn't matter. CHRISTMAS TIME, FUN FUN FUN!

...except, this is what you've been training for. Your boyfriend of six years, Dr. Thomas E. Allen, was the one who brought you into the fold. All the abortionists and queers and the owners of Starbucks and George Clooney had explained it to you quite simply: you must infiltrate the GOP, get to the party's heart, and destroy them from the inside out. Only once these people were out of the way could the Liberals finally win the War on Christmas. And you did as you were told -- you "cheated" on Dr. Allen with Rick. You married him and become a good Catholic housewife. And now it's time for the party of the century... it's time to burn this mother down.

Abilities

Hippie Commune Collective

: You may speak with

Bert

(Sean Hannity) or

Aronis

(Sam Brownback) using this Private Topic during any phase.

Pecking Order

: Your team must collectively agree upon a list before the end of the Day Phase to determine the order of picking for the next White Elephant phase.

Your Dick in a Box

: Once per game, you may use your 1-shot ability to secretly swap out the contents of a giftbox during the White Elephant phase with a poisonous giant black dildo. This will kill whoever opens that box, and you will get whatever was inside instead.

Win Condition (Mafia):

You win when your team is equal in number to the town, or nothing can prevent the same.

Sean Hannity

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Sean Hannity

, a

Brainwashed Liberal

.


You've been quite the mouthpiece for the good guys for quite some time. You lived up to your immaculate journalistic integrity standards when you blew the truth behind Obama's

real

birthplace wide open. And when you saw the overwhelming amount of liberally biased evidence that proved Obama wasn't a secret Muslim, you didn't let those bleeding heart communists stop you from making sure the world knew the truth. You let them hear it every single day. All of those liberal morons, those

scientists

(ew), who spout phony bullshit about climate change being a real threat to the human race? You can see right through their scientific expertise and into their cold, bleeding hearts. Of course, when The Man Who Should Have Been President, Rick Santorum, decided to throw a Christmas gala to gain monetary funding to fight the awful War on Christmas, you were among the first people he called.

...but, you've changed. You barely noticed it at first when your children, Patrick and Merri Kelly, wanted to watch that new Pixar movie. It was just about a cute little robot named WALL*E, how could it possibly be dangerous? But before you knew, it was too late. Pixar had masterfully disguised their newest brainwashing technology in the film, and by the end, the liberals had their claws in you. You were then picked up by a mobile task force and brought deep underground to their headquarters in Hell, where they revealed the truth to you... Christmas must be destroyed so that Christians can no longer stop the Obama Muslim Takeover of the United States of France and Jews. You understood. Your task was to destroy Santorum's Salvation Army from the inside out at this Christmas party, and they identified a few other sleeper agents you could trust.

Abilities

Hippie Commune Collective

: You may speak with

Aronis

(Sam Brownback) or

Marquis

(Karen Santorum) using this Private Topic during any phase.

Pecking Order

: Your team must collectively agree upon a list before the end of the Day Phase to determine the order of picking for the next White Elephant phase.

Your Dick in a Box

: Once per game, you may use your 1-shot ability to secretly swap out the contents of a giftbox during the White Elephant phase with a poisonous giant black dildo. This will kill whoever opens that box, and you will get whatever was inside instead.

Win Condition (Mafia):

You win when your team is equal in number to the town, or nothing can prevent the same.

Spoiler: Third Party Role PM

Ted Cruz

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Ted Cruz

, a

Jew

.


You are the man. The myth. The legend. Rafael Edward "Ted" Tiberius Jiménez Saskatchewan Fingolfin Sousaphone Wongfoo Cruz. You are the greatest living Senator and the finest legal and legislative mind of not only your generation, but possible any generation. It's impossible to say until the story's over (although you're pretty sure). When you're not being the subject of essential children's color bookings like Cruz to the Future or reading Dr Seuss books on the floor of Congress, you can be found in yours or someone else's office solving all of the pressing issues of the day. When Rick sent you an invitation to his Christmas party, you knew it was so that he could get your advice on how to once and for all solve the problem of illegal immigrants trying to steal Christmas, and luckily for him you already had a solution ready. You loaded up your six fanny packs with all of the gear you're going to need, along with plastic baggies to surreptitiously take some food home with you.

However, you have a dark secret. You were making a care package for one of your survivalist friends who has retreated into a bunker in the woods of Montana when the light glinted off the gold bullion in some new way and it... changed you. Your hair curled, your nose began to grow, you developed an insatiable lust for lox and bagels, your voice grew more nasal, your foreskin vanished. Seemingly out of nowhere, you no longer were Ted Cruz, brilliant and respected political luminary, you were.... THE INCREDIBLE JEW. Ever since then, you had to hide your condition from your Catholic friends and some of the more rabid evangelicals.

One day, an accidental flash of gold left a Republican Congressman without even the fillings in his teeth, and Ted Cruz on the run. The Congressman thinks a Jew was responsible. A Jew which the Congressman can't prove and Ted Cruz can't escape. So he resigned from office and faked his own death. So he must let the world go on thinking that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the sneaky Jew that dwells within him.

Don't make him greedy.

You won't like him when he's greedy.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Greed

: Each day, you may target a player. You will greedily shove whatever they've received so far in the game into your pockets. This will steal all gifts/abilities from them.

Win Condition (Jew)

: You win when you've collected three gold bars. You will leave the game if you win.

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Deadthread
Mafia PT

[xRECKONERx]

this might've been my favorite game to write flavor for EVER

[Flames682]

You fucking idiot Wisdom.

[Flames682]

I even nailed the scumteam Aronis and Bert

[Wisdom]

sorry you were too scummy

[Marquis]

this might've been my favorite game to write flavor for EVER

enjoi

[Shinobi]

[Untrod Tripod]

this might've been my favorite game to write flavor for EVER

me too dude. and we actually collaborated this time rather than trading off

[Shinobi]

The flavor was amazing. I had fun.

I'm just kind of annoyed that I spent almost all game calling out Bert and a bunch of people still had him as town for no reason. It's like my posts disappear into the ether when people don't want to read them.

I was probably going to vote Aronis today just because he wouldn't back up his Bert read. Not exactly spectacular reasoning but I would've felt better about killing him for deliberately being obtuse over Flames posting a case I wasn't a fan of.

[Wisdom]

flames' "case" was terrible

aronis not posting any reason was also terrible

i was just thinking they are scum theatre'ing it up as a last resort

[Shinobi]

I know.

I didn't have any awesome "Aronis is scum and there can be no other way" analysis but I was still going to lynch him for annoying me. I'm not actually surprised that Flames got lynched here at all.

[xRECKONERx]

One huge thing was like, when the gift reshuffle happened...

Marquis still had the pocket constitution

even though she claimed she had used it already. And then someone received it and didn't put it together that THEY DIDN'T GET A PM WITH ABILITY INFO.

[Untrod Tripod]

http://forum.mafiascum.net/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=60496

laaaaaaaaaaaadies

you know you want to

[Wisdom]

done

[xRECKONERx]

Hey, what'd you guys think of the White Elephant mechanic?

[SleepyKrew]

sleepykrew best mod