Spoiler: About the prompt
The prompt was originally inspired from the following image:
I know they're children, not child, and they're under a viaduct, not underground. In fact, it took me a while to word the prompt as "The child from the underground" trying to leave it as open as possible, but sorta aimed to the above image.
I liked the idea of writing children because they don't have the rigidity adults have and are better at expressing their emotions. I used the singular "child" because you'd probably wouldn't have time to write multiple children. As for underground, I had something like a bridge in mind, but underground works just as well. Living in underground is like living in poverty and isolated from the world. There was also enough space to write an adult who had lived in extreme poverty as a child.
However, I wasn't expecting anything other than the story theme revolving around "Child from the underground" and however you wanted to interpret it, so, as I said, I left it as open as possible.
I know they're children, not child, and they're under a viaduct, not underground. In fact, it took me a while to word the prompt as "The child from the underground" trying to leave it as open as possible, but sorta aimed to the above image.
I liked the idea of writing children because they don't have the rigidity adults have and are better at expressing their emotions. I used the singular "child" because you'd probably wouldn't have time to write multiple children. As for underground, I had something like a bridge in mind, but underground works just as well. Living in underground is like living in poverty and isolated from the world. There was also enough space to write an adult who had lived in extreme poverty as a child.
However, I wasn't expecting anything other than the story theme revolving around "Child from the underground" and however you wanted to interpret it, so, as I said, I left it as open as possible.
Spoiler: Zaphkael's "Moments"
Kinda regret having already read this before because I could use my surprise to evaluate this better, but I'll go anyway because I can still remember how I felt when reading that.
I'm going to say I like this opening. The very short lines and paragraphs made it easier to engage in.“Have you seen him again since last time?”
I shook my head.
“No. He’s left me alone”, I lied.
“Good.”
One year ago. That's when this all began.
I was on my daily commute to school when I saw him. Third stop, where nobody ever gets on the underground. He did.
I also like how briefly was the character described mixed with actual action.The slightly confused look on his face, his messy brown hair waving in the breeze that never seemed to end. The way he effortlessly hopped into the metro, and looked around with his big, hazel eyes. Do you know those wonderful, almost picture-like moments that seem to last forever? This one did. Everything about him was perfectly imperfect, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.
This is a nice place descriptionIn post 241, Zaphkael wrote:Through the green of the leaves, and the orange of the sunset
ShitIn post 241, Zaphkael wrote:Time is a strange thing. One moment everything feels so unreal, and then it all comes crashing down.
Now this gives a feeling...Iron pillars blocked the entrance to a tall, grim building. “Psychiatric Residency Goodwill”, the sign said.
It seems you can develop the conflict pretty good.“This is all my fault”, my mom cried, and “I’m doing this for you. Only for you.” I didn’t understand. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with us?
Glad there's still something going on between them.Not once did he care about anyone else. Not once did he even speak to anyone else. Is this what love really is? Complete, unconditional loyalty? I don’t think so, but who am I to say. He helped me, with everything, despite everything. The doctors gave me pills, but he told me to flush them. Because they would make me sick. Because my mom wanted me gone. Because for some reason, I wasn’t worthy of being alive. And I believed him. Why wouldn’t I?
Iron pillars blocked the exit of this tall, grim building, but he was here with me. And nothing could get between us. Right?
One conflict in one. Great.A new kid arrived, as scared and confused as I once was. I talked to her, about how she wasn’t alone. About how things would get better.
He lashed out at me. His hazel eyes now radiating hatred, his awkward smile nowhere to be found.
So things turned out bad. I remember hoping they would return.He didn’t leave. He came back, to me, but things were different. We were more distant, colder, sadder. Until that moment. That moment.
So it got serious...“I know where they keep their needles. Feel like getting some?”
Did he actually ask me to do drugs?
“I don’t know dude, I don’t think that’s a good idea? Doing drugs has never been my thing.”
“You’re letting me down again? Come on dude, this one time, do something for me. Please.”
Love is conflict. It’s doing things you don’t like because someone else does. He taught me that.
It happened in a flash, a fleeting moment. The light coming from my alarm indicated it was two in the morning, and we got up. Whispering, giggling, like little children doing something they shouldn’t be doing. Honestly, was there any difference?
Dark hallways, locked doors. A cabinet, small and seemingly red – the dim light that lingered throughout the building wasn’t nearly enough to see everything clearly – appeared, and we stopped.
“We’re here, take it.”
And I did.
I like this to be honest. Lots of confusion, but feels like it better describes the emotive part and the rollercoaster the main character is going through while using actual mundane things.There were colours, and people. I think? Music, loudly. People screaming. Flashing lights, but nothing I could distinguish. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think. As if some thick fog had taken a hold of me, I was blinded. What was time? Does “how long” really exist? It was all but moments, moment after moment, overwhelming all of my senses at once, and none at all.
Damn this ending was a punch.Hazel eyes stared into my soul, full of hatred. Furious. Betrayed.
“Have you seen him again since last time?”
I shook my head.
“No. He’s left me alone”, I lied.
“Good.”
Spoiler: Mina's "The Golden Place"
In order to make it fair, I decided to first read Mina trying to not be analytical on anything. Then I'll note down what I think about technical things and particular paragraphs that got me. By the looks, I don't think the story will disappoint me.
Liked how the opening defined where the story should go.Simon was a good boy. Mother gave him rules, and he always followed them.
The first rule was to stay away from the golden place.
And this is the conflict. Really reminds me of K.O.L.M.Little boys shouldn't go up there, said Mother. It's dangerous.
Werewolf story?Mother said if someone found him, something terrible would happen.
Good bonding.Snacks were fine anywhere. Mother brought him things called apples and strawberries, cucumbers and carrots, and they would eat those together. Sometimes, when Simon was very good, she brought him treats. Simon's favourite treat was cakes. Those were so yummy. It all came from the golden place. Simon wished he could go and get cakes whenever he wanted from the golden place too. But the ladder always came and went with Mother. Besides, only bad boys went there. And Simon was good.
Damn, that got dark.And he would start chewing on the bars, or on his arms and legs until water the colour of strawberries came out.
Damn, being seen as a monster must suck.So Simon stayed a good boy for a long time. He was so good that sometimes he got sad. Because he was all alone, and he had no one to play with. There was only just enough room for him to lie down. He spent all day walking back and forth, back and forth, or kicking the wall over and over again, or crying. And it was cold, so so so cold.
Glad something started happening.Then one day he heard noises.
This is confusing...Then something magical happened. Up above opened, and then a monster looked down at him.
Interesting choice.said the voice who wasn't Mother.
Oh no...The person wrapped its arm around Simon. And it smelled so juicy, so sweet and fresh, that Simon couldn't help it, Simon smiled.
Could've been more climatic.And then it pounced, sinking its teeth into its prey, time to bite and rip the flesh and tear it to shreds, hear the crack of bones and taste the meat and suck the juicy blood and feed--
Yep, he's a monster. Got it.Mother said, When you were born, you were the loveliest baby I ever saw. Such perfect white teeth and beautiful green eyes. And so well behaved, too. You slept soundly through the night. You never needed much milk, either. We found the rats, but I thought they were because of that cat, until it was the cat next. And then your father and I were scared, so scared. But we couldn't believe it. We didn't believe it until one day it was your brother.
Man, probably a horrible (opposite to happy) ending to be.Are you going to punish me, Mother, he asked.
Yes, said Mother. I'm sorry, Simon, but there's no other way. So Mother pulled out the needle, and also forceps.
When it was over, Simon had no more teeth, and everything hurt so much that he started to cry. Simon asked, Mother, do you hate me?
Of course not, said Mother. People tried to take you away from me, after what happened to your brother. People wanted to hurt you so bad that you wouldn't wake up again. But it's not your fault. You didn't put the monster in you. I know that you're a good boy. Whenever you smile at me, I see it.
Simon said, Mother, it hurts.
I know, Simon. It won't be so bad, you'll see. I'll mash your food up for you. It won't fill you up the same, when it's not moving. But there's no choice. But please be good, Simon. You have to be good. Otherwise I can't keep protecting you.
Simon asked, Mother, do you love me?
Mother said, Simon, I love you so much that I would die for you. One day I will die for you, and I don't even care.
Spoiler: Overview
Ugh, I think this review wasn't as good as the first I have done. I'll try to get it done with feedbacks, but maybe I don't have too much to say.
Both stories really fit the theme, although it wasn't clearly the underground. The boy from "Moments" really seemed to come from something as poor as the underground, at least to the MC, and so resembled a child from underground. Simon, on the other hand, I suppose lived at something like the underground and was unable to see the world.
Both stories were emotive. I liked Zaph's because it didn't use supernatural elements, but rather just played with a girl's emotions on her unstable love phase. Kinda liked Mina's too because it really remembered me about K.O.L.M. game (can be played here if you want), both of them seems to tell the story about an overly protective mother and her freak son.
I think what Zaph's story had that Mina's lacked are two things.
The first one involves the description. In "Moments" I could easily get a grasp of where the characters were and who were they. I could tell the boy from the MC's dreams had brown hair and hazel eyes while at the same time I knew they were in the metro. Then I could also easily picture the psychiatry the MC was sent in and the fences she used to communicate with the boy. While in "The Golden Place" I could barely tell where they were: was it a circus? Was it near a golden gate? I couldn't even tell what the characters were: were they humans? What monster was the boy?
The other thing is that "Moments" seemed to have more fluidity and dinamicity. The opening caught my attention and defined what the story was somewhat about, then it got straight to the point the MC met the boy and the paragraphs already told where they were and what was happening. The story soon got to the conflict of the MC being sent to the orphanage and later breaking the boy's heart, just to then find out he wasn't real. It didn't seem to stagnate at any part. In "The Golden Place", despite understanding why it had to all happen in one place, it sorta felt stagnating. There was a bunch of lore and the conflict took a bit too long to start.
I still see potential for "The Golden Place", but I think the characters and place should be better defined. Are they human? If not, please, describe them briefly. It'd be really interesting to see different but harmless nonhuman creatures with Simon being the odd one. Other question is: Where are they? I think the room could be better described and there had space to give an idea of what Simon's room was like and where the mother would stand.
The other thing that could be changed is to show instead of tell. In the story, Simon kept telling himself what were the rules and everything his mother gave him. Maybe one way to make that more engaging is to have Simon get close to breaking the rule, use the moment to briefly describe the place and then have the mother suddenly return home and reinforce the rule. As for Simon's eating habits, you could build him a false expectancy of something delicious upon his mother's arrival until he sees his food is something moving. Those two things could help get to the conflict quicker.
The conflict should get the more attention. Kylie and her mother is bringing Simon to a place he has never been, right? What is Simon seeing? What is he feeling? And when he would inevitably attack them, it would be great to hear a scream like "Monster!". I found the ending fine and I don't know what I would change here.
As for "Moments", I don't know what I would change. It seems to fit the most as a short story and it feels very real.
I know Mina probably rushed to get the story done, but now there should be more time to turn it more real. Show, not tell, the introduction. Briefly give a physical description of the characters and the place where it fits the better. Quickly introduce the main conflict. Make it seem more memorable (especially when they're attacked). I hope it helps.
Both stories really fit the theme, although it wasn't clearly the underground. The boy from "Moments" really seemed to come from something as poor as the underground, at least to the MC, and so resembled a child from underground. Simon, on the other hand, I suppose lived at something like the underground and was unable to see the world.
Both stories were emotive. I liked Zaph's because it didn't use supernatural elements, but rather just played with a girl's emotions on her unstable love phase. Kinda liked Mina's too because it really remembered me about K.O.L.M. game (can be played here if you want), both of them seems to tell the story about an overly protective mother and her freak son.
I think what Zaph's story had that Mina's lacked are two things.
The first one involves the description. In "Moments" I could easily get a grasp of where the characters were and who were they. I could tell the boy from the MC's dreams had brown hair and hazel eyes while at the same time I knew they were in the metro. Then I could also easily picture the psychiatry the MC was sent in and the fences she used to communicate with the boy. While in "The Golden Place" I could barely tell where they were: was it a circus? Was it near a golden gate? I couldn't even tell what the characters were: were they humans? What monster was the boy?
The other thing is that "Moments" seemed to have more fluidity and dinamicity. The opening caught my attention and defined what the story was somewhat about, then it got straight to the point the MC met the boy and the paragraphs already told where they were and what was happening. The story soon got to the conflict of the MC being sent to the orphanage and later breaking the boy's heart, just to then find out he wasn't real. It didn't seem to stagnate at any part. In "The Golden Place", despite understanding why it had to all happen in one place, it sorta felt stagnating. There was a bunch of lore and the conflict took a bit too long to start.
I still see potential for "The Golden Place", but I think the characters and place should be better defined. Are they human? If not, please, describe them briefly. It'd be really interesting to see different but harmless nonhuman creatures with Simon being the odd one. Other question is: Where are they? I think the room could be better described and there had space to give an idea of what Simon's room was like and where the mother would stand.
The other thing that could be changed is to show instead of tell. In the story, Simon kept telling himself what were the rules and everything his mother gave him. Maybe one way to make that more engaging is to have Simon get close to breaking the rule, use the moment to briefly describe the place and then have the mother suddenly return home and reinforce the rule. As for Simon's eating habits, you could build him a false expectancy of something delicious upon his mother's arrival until he sees his food is something moving. Those two things could help get to the conflict quicker.
The conflict should get the more attention. Kylie and her mother is bringing Simon to a place he has never been, right? What is Simon seeing? What is he feeling? And when he would inevitably attack them, it would be great to hear a scream like "Monster!". I found the ending fine and I don't know what I would change here.
As for "Moments", I don't know what I would change. It seems to fit the most as a short story and it feels very real.
So, I have decided to declare Zaphkael the winner
.I know Mina probably rushed to get the story done, but now there should be more time to turn it more real. Show, not tell, the introduction. Briefly give a physical description of the characters and the place where it fits the better. Quickly introduce the main conflict. Make it seem more memorable (especially when they're attacked). I hope it helps.