“We can’t the button!” Reese-San yelled as he blocked access to the man in front of him. Sweat shined off his forehead as they were deep in the Earth’s core, surrounded by nothing but molten lava and a button.
“Not only can we push the button, we have to!” The man replied. “If we push it, the American Dollar will double in worth! The economy will improve and all our problems will be gone!”
“All our problems will be gone?” Reese-San asked. He stared at the man, his eyes big and lips quivering. “If you press the button, you blow up Mexico! I mean, just who do you think you are?”
“Who do I think I am? It’s simple. I’m Tonald Dump, and I’m going to make America great again!”
“I know. I know,” said Reese-San as he pulled out The Necronomican. “You don’t have to remind me. You’re destined to make America great again. You keep reminding us over and over again. You don’t have to keep saying it. We’ve all read the prophecy and we know you’re destined to lead us into the future. But you have to think about the cost. Is it worth it?”
“Hah! Is it worth it?” Tonald Dump asked as he caught the slug that almost jumped off the top of his head. He pulled out a bottle of Elmer’s glue and reaffixed the slug to his head. “Sonny, let me tell you a little something about what I’ve been through when I’ve been to Mexico. I’ve seen nothing but corruption. Scandal. I’ve even a drug deal go on in the middle of a river that the Mexicans called the Rio Grande.”
“That’s not Mexico, you dolt. That’s New Mexico.”
“Don’t you question me, San. I come from a prestigious line of Dumps. I remember one time when I was a young fellow, I was sitting on my momma’s lap. So I was on Maw Dump’s lap and she began telling me about my great ancestors. It all started with my great-great-great-great grandfather, Richard “Dick” Dump, the sheriff of the land in 1817. He helped set up the Iowa territory”
Reese-San shook his head. “My God. Iowa wasn’t even a territory until like twenty years after that.”
“Then there was my grandfather, Dylan Dump. He married my grandma, Debbie. They invented Walmart and then sold it to their current owners. They became rich. They’re so smart.”
“No…” Reese-San sighed. It was created by Waltons. Y’know. Walton. Walmart. Do you see the difference? Is the heat getting to you at all?”
“And then of course, there’s me. And I’m married to Malaria Dump. And I gave birth to my sexy daughter that I would totally not bang, unless I was not her father or she drugged me so I wasn’t thinking straight, or I was drink or mildly confused, maybe I forgot where my car keys were.”
“Wait. What’s her name?”
“My daughter’s name? Ivanna.”
“…Ivanna Dump. Oh, yeah. I don’t know why I didn’t just guess it. These are all jokes about fecal matter. How mature of you.”
“And now, I, Tonald Dump, came here to make history!”
“No!” Reese-San yelled! He jumped in front of Tonald Dump and held his arms out wide. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I don’t want you to kill all these people, you racist!”
“Racist? You think I hate the Mexicans?”
“Sure as hell sounds like it.”
“Listen, buddy” Tonald condescendingly wagged his finger. “You don’t know about these Mexicans. If it makes you feel better, by wiping Mexico off the map, you destroy the drugs that go into America. You destroy the crime that go into America. You destroy the rapists that come into America!”
Reese-San shook his head as tears began to well from his eyes. “Mexicans are known for their art! They’ve helped bring so much into the world! Salma Hayek is a famous Mexican actress who is very good! Alfonso Garcia Robles won the Novel Peace Prize in 1982! How can you say they are criminals? He won a Novel peace prize!”
“Well… I mean…” Tonald Dump began to trail off, looking at the hot magma underneath his feet. “Some, I assume, are good people…”
“No, Tonald Dump. I will not allow you to press this button,” Reese-San said as he folded his arms.
“Move out of the way.”
“You are not meant to meant America great again.”
“Okay you’re right,” Dump said. “Just one more thing…” He took a step forward and began to move his fingers along Reese-San’s sides.
“Don’t do that, Tonald. You know I’m ticklish!”
“I’m sorry, Reese-San. I just know how much you like to laugh. I want to make you laugh!”
Reese-San moved to the side to avoid Tonald Dump’s great arm length. Tonald took advantage of the opportunity and pressed the button. Reese-San saw this and no longer found the situation to be amusing. “No! Tonald! What have you done?”
An ominous voice took over the magma-filled décor of the center of the world. “You have pressed the button. By pressing the button, you would destroy the country of Mexico to save the United States’ economic crisis. Are you sure you would like to move forward with this?”
“N-“ Reese-San started to say.
“YES! TONALD DUMP DEMANDS THIS BE DONE!”
“Very well,” the ominous voice said.
“Tonald! You’ve ruined us!” Reese-San said. “You’ve destroyed all of Mexico! What have you do-“
Reese was interrupted by the ominous voice. “To move forward with your request, you must follow the trial by three. The first trial is to promise that during this test, you would not break any American laws.”
Tonald Dump raised his right hand and pulled out a bullet-proof bible that was made in America and not some disgusting Muslim Asian Spanish omgzIHATEYOU! And said, “I, Tonald ‘Murica, That’s-Right-I-Changed-My-Middle-Name-To-Murica Dump, solemnly swear on the name of Jesus Chris, who was definitely not a stinkin’ Jew, that I will not break any American laws. Besides, I’ve never broken any law ever because I’m perfect.”
“…Very well,” said the ominous voice. “Your first mission is to do drugs.”
“Do drugs?” Reese-San smirked. “There’s no chance you’ll ever be able to get through this. I’m sorry, Tonald Dump, but your plan has failed. You’ve failed.”
At that moment, Tonald Dump’s eyes have grown large. His iris has begun to resemble flames and he tried to grow six feet taller. (In reality, he just stood on his tippy toes, but still.) “TONALD DUMP NEVER FAILS.”
“I mean…” Reese-San began to say, “How are we even going to get drugs in the center of the Earth, first of all?”
I shit you not. Tonald Dump reaches deep into his pocket and began rustling through the contents. Reese-San’s mouth just hung open.
“…Oh my God.”
Tonald Dump then pulled a filled Ziploc bag out of his pocket. If Dump was a gourmet chef, he’d have enough oregano to season all the pizza at your cousin Mordechai’s bar mitzvah. (Which, by the way, if you’re able to pick up some napkins, that would be great. Mordechai has a tendency to make a mess when trying to eat his gefilte fish and he’ll have a lot of schmutz on his punim.)
“Where did you even get that?” Reese-San said in disbelief.
“Oh, Reese-San. You have no idea. If you’ve been campaign for months and months, years and years against this criminal, Hinton, you’d do the same.”
“Ah-hah!” Reese-San yelled, sticking his index finger in the air. “You’ve said that you’ve never broken the law before I’ve just proven you wrong! I have you right now for possession, and intention to use drugs! And how do you plan to use drugs and not break the law? That’s impossible! Tonald Dump, you’ve failed!”
“Reese-San” Dump began to say. “What country are we in?”
“Country?” Reese-San looked around him, finding nothing but molten lava, Tonald Dump and a big red button. “We’re not in any country. We’re in the center of the Earth.”
“Ah, well you are right about that. But my question for you is that if we aren’t in any country, how can there be any laws? And if there are no laws, how can I break them? How can I break American laws if I'm not in America?”
“My God, you’ve found a loophole to even cheat the ominous voice.”
“Cheat?” Tonald Dump asked, putting his arm around Reese-San’s shoulder. “No, my boy. I’ve been able to outsmart the system. That’s why I am who I am. I’m using the law to my side. I’m using the power of universal law. That’s why I’m going to press the button and make America great again. Ubama will go out of office and I’ll be known as President Dump.” Dump shook the bag of marijuana in front of Reese-San’s face and shook it. “Now that you know that you won’t get in trouble. Did you want to get fucked up with me?”
“No! You may have slid past the law, but I won’t fall for it! I’m still the voice of Reese-San around here!”
“Suit yourself,” Tonald Dump said as he scooped up a chunk of magma and placed it near a marijuana cigarette that he just rolled up. He begins to smoke.
“How… How is your hand not fallen off from touching the magma? This doesn’t make any sense.”
Dump laughed. “Reese-San, we’re in the center of the world. It’s over ten thousand degrees in here. This story doesn’t make any sense. Just go with it.” Dump inhaled deeply and fell back onto his ass. “Oh yeah. That’s the shit.”
Reese-San examined Dump and saw his reddened eyes and dilated pupil. “You’re so high right now. You have no idea.”
“No, my dawg. YOU have no idea.” Dump laughed. “Oh, wait. I thought of another idea! What if we not let any Muslims into the country.”
“You can’t do that! That’s islamophob-“
“Wait! What if we not let them into the country AND we tell them I saw a group of Muslims cheering when 9/11 happened!”
Reese-San nearly shat himself. “But that’s not true! You’ll lose all your voters, even the Republicans!”
Dump laughed. “Bullshit. Republicans are the dumbest group of voters in the country. I could lie and they’d still eat it up. I bet my numbers will still be terrific even after I say this.”
“You have passed,” the ominous voice said. “And now for the last test. You must have sex with someone. Right here. Right now.”
“What kind of test is this, really?” Reese-San said. “I thought we were supposed to just press a button and be done with it. I really feel like we’re just being fooled at this point. I mean, how do we know Mexico isn’t already destroyed? What do you think, D-OH MY GOD!” Reese-San was startled when he turned and found Tonald Dump completely naked.
“Come here, Reese-San. I’m going to make America mate again!”
“No! Put on clothes!”
“Oh, come on. What’s the problem?”
“I’m not gay!”
“I’m not gay either. We’re just trying to fix the economy.”
Reese-San shook his head. “Read my lips. I. DO. NOT. CONSENT.”
“Would it help if we get married first? You can’t rape someone that you’re married to.”
“Tonald, NO.”
“But if you think about it, Reese-San. I’ve been fucking you ever since I met you. Ever since we’ve come to know each other. I’ve been fucking Reese-San since I started this campaign. I’ve been fucking Reese-San since we’ve been doing well despite putting down Muslims, since I’ve called Mon Jacain a war hero because he’s been captured in the field of battle. I’ve been fucking Reese-San since I’ve embraced hate. Reese-San. We’re made to fuck.”
Reese-San sighed as he started unbuttoning his shirt. “Okay. Let’s fuck.”
Dump gets hard and then looks at Reese-San, giving him his sex eyes.
