“Captain,” Lieutenant Sikes stood up. “I’m sorry for the last-minute call. This is rather urgent. We need to make another delivery to the Compound. If word of this gets out and this item is stolen, it could make someone a very, very rich man.”
The Captain stirred his spoon in his coffee, inhaling the steam. “Brief me.”
“You,” the Lieutenant gestured to the lady who had just entered the room. “Get the Captain some more coffee. I don’t want to see you in here until we’re done talking.” Alicia, the maid, smiled at the Lieutenant and left.
Sikes started to pace around the room, ruffling his hair with his fingers. There was a tense feeling in the air. He took a deep breath. “It concerns the British Prime Minister himself, Captain.”
“Where is this item?” The Captain did not look up from his coffee.
“Locked up in the basement, Sir. The room is heavily guarded by my best men and I have the key on my person. Not many know of its existence yet, but once word gets out it’ll spread like the plague.”
“Understandable,” the Captain turned to Sikes. “Now, what exactly are we dealing with? More weapons? A secret family heirloom? An expensive piece of jewelry? An important file? Details, please.”
“Well, uh, you see…” and it was at this time, for the first time, Lieutenant Sikes began to blush.
The Captain glared at him. “Out with it.”
“It’s… well, a phallus… sir.” The Lieutenant avoided all eye contact with the Captain.
The Captain began to laugh. “Like a penis?”
“Yes, sir, a chopper.”
“Who’s dick?”
“The British Prime Minister’s.”
The Captain shook his head, “You have me awfully confused, Lieutenant. Why do we have, in our possession, the British Prime Minister’s dick? Does he not need it?”
“No,” the Lieutenant stuttered, obviously flushed. “It’s a perfect mold. A replica.”
“A cast?”
“Exactly that, sir.”
The Captain began to laugh uncontrollably. “A cock cast? A tool template? A prick print? A member model? A shaped schlong?”
“Yes. A plaster pecker, sir.”
“I’m sorry, this is obviously serious to you. I’ll keep my composure. As your superior, I should be setting a better example.” The Captain wiped a tear from his eye and sighed, “But why?”
“Presumably for his wife, sir.”
The Captain began to laugh again. “Last year, we needed to cover up the pig incident, and now the British Prime Minister wants us to lock up his joystick?”
“Yes, sir.”
“That’s probably for the better, then.” The Captain smiled. “Well, then, get to it. I don’t see what issues you’ll have.”
“Sir, I hate to be disrespectful, but this is an extremely serious situation. This is a mold – a perfect template. Any person who gets their hand on this can replicate more and begin selling the British Prime Minister’s… lower bits… to the rest of the world. He’ll become a laughing stock and no one will take our politics seriously.”
The Captain began to relax from his laughing fit. “If you really think so, Lieutenant.”
“I think that some people would even
kill
to get their hands on this… merchandise.” The Lieutenant suddenly became stiff. “Where is Alicia with that coffee? I asked for that thirty minutes ago.” He called loudly, “Alicia! Get in here!”
The door opened and Alicia walked in. “I’m here, sir, sorry. You told me to wait outside until you were done.” She handed both the men their coffee. “I even brought the guards some water in the time while I waited, sir.”
She smiled.
The Captain began to reassure Sikes that no one was seriously planning on stealing the beloved merchandise in the basement. It was at this moment, though, that the Captain began to choke, and both him and Sikes turned a disgusting shade of purple and blue. Alicia, who had listened in while they were discussing the items tremendous value, remained grinning, as she grabbed the keys from Sikes pocket and made her way down to the now unguarded basement.
“Now let us see what the magnificent item stored in the basement is. Ah, I hope it isn't too big. And it better be easy to keep discrete.” She twirled the keys in her hand before opening the lock.
There, on display in the center of the room, was a perfect waxed willy with it’s mold lying beside it.
“Bloody hell,” Alicia gulped. “I suppose this shall be easy to take after all.”