Fiction Rumble II - Week 26 (Current Champion: Zaphkael)

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Post Post #95 (isolation #0) » Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:16 am

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Ego
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Post Post #103 (isolation #1) » Tue Jul 30, 2019 10:41 am

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I got it planned

Just gotta start writing :/
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Post Post #107 (isolation #2) » Fri Aug 02, 2019 1:32 am

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I'm almost done, but still have school.
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Post Post #111 (isolation #3) » Fri Aug 02, 2019 7:55 am

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Spoiler: Fading Away, 1479 words
I was born with the ability to see people’s life spans.

As long I focused on them, I would be able to see something like a solid red sphere the size of a tennis ball and a surrounding red light.

At first I didn’t know what it meant. Everybody I got to see had the same solid red sphere, but sometimes, mainly the elderly, I would see it being a little less red and a less bright light. Eventually I would suspect it has some connection with said person’s longevity. I was unable to see my own longevity though.

---


My first experience with death happened when I was eleven.

Walking back home, I saw a woman with a child, both of them displayed with a pretty weak colored sphere, seeming like a cloud of particles evaporating away. I decided to stalk them for a while, trying to find out exactly what would happen if it evaporated completely. After two or three blocks, when their clouds were a few particles left, I noticed they were about to cross the street and I could see one car coming from the distance.

Instinctively, I called the woman’s attention, stopping her and her child from crossing the street. A few moments later, I hear a loud crash between two cars and I only got to stare in shock as one of them shifts straight to the woman and child, running over them. I could last see both their spheres, which were nothing but a few visible particles, and its weak surrounding light, completely cease.

When I returned home, I told my mother completely what happened and how I could see their life span drift away. I’d try to persuade her how I could foresee deaths and how I could prevent them. However, she never fully believed me and at some point she started to censor me whenever I brought up that, telling me how I was going crazy and calling unnecessary attention.

---


It took me long to recover from the trauma. I was unable to prove to anyone, including my own mother. She was a single mother working on an oil industry. She would always tell me to do good on school so I could go to a university. However, I never liked school and I eventually dropped out.

One day, when I was 19, I noticed how her red sphere has been losing its strength. Turns out she had advanced lung cancer. She had to be hospitalized at the local nursery center. I would always hang out at that center and frequently I’d see how many spheres from the patients were slowly fading away, some of them looking just like a thin cloud of red. But that’s also when I met you.

You were the first person to believe in me. I would tell when a person seemed to be living their last few days, hours, minutes, seconds, and you seemed to believe me. However, you never stopped caring from them, doing everything you could do to save these people even though you knew I was never wrong and their fate was inevitable.

As the days passed, I could only see my mother’s sphere thinning and thinning, until it was a few visible particles away, just like the woman and her child 8 years ago. I watched you and two other nurses rush to the room and do everything to save her. As her last bits of life faded away, I held her hand for the last time as my good memories about her started to flash through my mind.

From this day, I felt my ability was instead a curse. I could foresee people dying, but I would be completely unable to stop it. But you were there to comfort me. I asked why you tried your best to save each patient’s life even when you knew they were going to die soon, you looked me in the eyes and said you won’t give up on them until their last moment.

---


Eventually we would marry and move to the city of Hiroshima, where you’d work at the hospital center. Whenever it was possible and allowed, I would see you work and I would be impressed at how you didn’t stop caring for the people even when I told you they were dying pretty soon.

One day, when I went to the grocery store, I realized the spheres of the people around me have been a little weaker than usual. When I went to see you at the hospital, to my horror, you were among them. I decided to tell you about how the entire city seemed to be dying, but when you asked me about you, I lied, believing you otherwise would just resign to the death. I would try to argue we had to move out of the city as soon as possible. Yet you would repeatedly refuse to leave the dying people behind. You happen to have your own curse just like I do.

As the days passed, I could only see the spheres thinning, shrinking, weakening. I felt compiled to do something: maybe warn the local authorities or the local news about a possible imminent threat. Would they ever listen though? Even if they did, could I change destiny? Maybe if I got someone to leave the city I could alter their longevity; or would it just result in their death in another, possibly gruesome, manner? This desire to change what seemed inevitable kept growing whenever I saw your own life fading away.

I settled that we would move, whether you wanted it or not. I rented a car and got all the things we needed to move as far as possible from that city as soon the sun showed up in the horizon. You woke up after a long shift at the hospital when I told you we were moving out of the city immediatelly. You would come with your self-sacrifice reasons to stay as long as possible and assured you’d be fine, but I knew it wasn’t. I could foretell the entire city was dying the next day.

I would persist you to enter in the car enough for you to do the same. Soon we were on the road moving out of this damned city. You still seemed pretty sad as you watched through the car’s window the citizens moving around and working to survive another day.

“Can you stop, please?” You shyly asked, but I wouldn’t listen to. “Stop, please” You asked louder, but I didn’t want to. You kept ordering me to stop, repeating you’re going to be fine, and then I snapped: “No, you’re not going to fine!”, forcing me to confess I lied about your life span as it showed no sign of alteration.

I expected you to be mad at me and you had all reason to, but instead, you just looked at me and touched my shoulder with sympathy: “I’m sorry, dear. I can’t leave all these people behind, they need me more than ever. I don’t care if I’m dying with them, I’ll make their last moments the best possible. This is my destiny. As to you, you can’t see your own longevity, so you may have a chance to live longer as long you move out of the city. I really love you. Just please, listen to me.”

Shedding tears, I listened to every word and they echoed on my own head. I tried to ignore them and sped up the vehicle as you insisted to let you out. I had put all my effort into ignoring you, but what I saw ahead terrified me: a truck carrying a large pile of coal. Then I don't know what happened, I only remember it all happened so fast.

---


Now here I am, standing near the side of your hospital bed as you lay unconscious, peaceful. Even your small weak red cloud seems to be shining weakly but peacefully, unworried about its imminent fate.

The Gregorian calendar indicated today is August 6th, 1945 and the clock indicated 8:13 AM. I watched from the window of your room as the crowded street of Hiroshima kept its daily movement, completely innocent too. I could see how much you loved all of that, so much you’d sacrifice your own life to stay with them until the rest of their days. I was so oblivious to your compassion for them.

I still don’t know what’s happening. I’m honestly pretty scared right now. I know you would be yelling at me this instant for not having fled from the city by myself. However, you taught me so much, so it’s your fault I am here. Here I will stay with you, seeing your beautiful face while your life cloud is now just a few particles calmly moving around your heart.

I won’t abandon you.


Spoiler: Post-story notes
Sorry for using a very sensitive subject. It wasn't my original intention, but it came along when I was planning the story and couldn't ignore it. I'm sorry if I misrepresent some facts.
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Post Post #113 (isolation #4) » Tue Aug 06, 2019 1:29 pm

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I'm mostly waiting for the next prompt.
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Post Post #119 (isolation #5) » Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 am

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Me neither

Just need the time
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Post Post #120 (isolation #6) » Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:29 am

Post by Creature »

I know it's late, but:

Spoiler: The Rocky Caves, 2000 words
This was it. I failed.

I didn’t even reach close. My name showed up only twenty pages later when each page had 50 names. My chance of ever getting to the university was done.

I would need to pay up a lot just to enroll pre-grade. I wouldn’t ever be able to pay that up. Maybe I was really condemned to be a low worker.

---


One day, my rich cousin, Jeremy, the worst person I could ever borrow money from, visited home.

- Ryan! - He called my name with a stupid grin.

He was quite obnoxious, gossiping quite long. When he asked me about the university, I spoke quite vaguely about it, but eventually admitted I failed and I needed his money .

- Ryan! - Jeremy spoke with false sympathy. - I have the perfect solution for you!

He typed something on his device and it printed one of those cards generic stores give to their clients.

- This is how I got this rich. - My cousin then spoke as if I was really interested to hear his life achievements.

He proceeded to talk about...mining?

I would mine some...aurbornite?..in the rocky caves for a period of days. Each pound of that mineral should be enough to get myself enrolled in the first grade. Jeremy then bragged about his life achievements.

After finally going away, I just looked at the card again and thought it was my only way of getting into the university.

---


The Rocky Caves is a largely unexplored set of caves, containing a lot of aggressive creatures ready to attack anyone they detect. I’d be given a drug to enhance my strength and agility to take on them.

First came the interview. The contractor asked my motivations and goals. He tested me the whole time, ready to ditch me off if I showed any hesitation, while also feeding my greed during the whole interview.

When the drug was injected into my veins, I just felt my whole body freezing. I was then told to rest until my time came. I was given a uniform, several devices, my own supplies and a sleeping bag. They also gave me a light-rechargeable plasma gun.

After going through endless tunnels, the transport stopped with the map showing a vast unexplored void forward. Then it dropped me alongside three other workers.

The first one is named Kenny, a retired soldier. He would taunt us occasionally for not working “as hard as he did”. He seemed to be the one most willing to take on the monsters.

The second one is named Madalena, a fairly elderly woman who claims to have worked almost her entire life there. She seemed to carry a lot of weapons with her and would sometimes hype us up.

The third one is named Ethan and he seemed to be quite of a science fan. He took responsibility for all the complicated electronic stuff, such as the AurDrones, designed to send the extracted aurbornite to the contractor.

---


After four days of mining, we only got 2-3 pounds each. The fifth day, Kenny just grunted:

- This won’t get us anything!

- Sometimes we score big, sometimes we don’t. - The woman comicaly philosophized and then proceeded to talk about how her ups and downs in her last career.

The retired soldier lost patience, she was smiling. Ethan meanwhile looked to the path the map hasn’t registered. I noticed his idea and whispered him not to do that, but it was too late.

- What? - Kenny dumbly asked. Madalena pointed towards the unknown. - Are you fucking crazy? It’s a fucking unexplored area! May be a nest of those fuckers ahead!

- Aww! Is the soldier scared? - The woman taunted. - You can stay here while we mine more aurbornites down there.

His expression changed to a challenging grin. I had a lot of objections to this idea, but I knew I wouldn’t change their mind:

- We’re returning if this gets bad.

---


The rat-like and bat-like child-sized creatures that showed up were no match for Kenny’s strength and Madalena’s weapons. I still got to crush one of them.

- It’s our lucky day! - The ex-soldier gasped.

It was a big wall showing clear aurbornite. It would grant not only all the money I need to university, but also the ascension to the upper class.

- Let’s clean this up! - The woman hyped up.

We were now making progress. Though, as we mined the wall, I felt like we weren’t supposed to be doing that. Soon I could distinguish figures showing up in the distance. My workmates also took notice.

- Pack these things! We gotta go! - Madalena shouted.

Kenny and she had taken the defense, the former with his strength and the latter using all sorts of weapon available. Ethan prepared the AurDrones while I gathered the most aurbornite possible.

One of these rats bit my left arm, but the drug prevented my limb from being teared up. With my other arm, I managed to twist its head. A bat attacked me from the above and I kept it away enough to blast it with my plasma gun.

- Fuck this, we gotta go now! - I shouted.

At this point, they were coming from all places. We left half the minerals behind and we tried to follow the map back. However, we ended diverted the wrong way.

We ended up in an underground building. As soon we entered it, Kenny closed the door with the closest thing: a large candlestick. However, someone was missing:

- Where’s Madalena? - I tried to catch my breath.

I had a nasty bite on my left arm and scratches around my face. Ethan had a bite mark on his angle and was limping. Kenny got the worse, his back was bloodstained and had a missing ear and fingers.

- She’s gone. - The ex-soldier said.

The door somehow was resisting well and eventually the attacks diminished. After a short discussion, we settled to sleep here.

---


When I woke up, the room was brighter and seemed to reveal a lot of secrets. Ethan seemed like a child in a video game conference.

- This place is amazing! - He proceeded to talk about each detail I couldn’t bother about. - We can make millions with this discovery!

I was still pretty confused to react, but the millions got me excited though. Kenny woke up, visibly tired, but seemed better than last time.

- We should be able to go back. - The soldier suggested.

Kenny removed the candlestick and opened the door carefully, just to close it and put it back. He looked at me in horror and said:

- We’re fucked.

Suddenly, the door started banging hard, still able to resist, but giving in bit by bit.

- I know an exit! - Ethan shouted.

We ran across multiple hallways following Ethan.

- I have checked all this building except this seemingly corridor down there. - He showed us a hole leading to a twelve feet fall. - I don’t know if there’s an exit ahead or a dead end. Once we go in, there’s no return.

Kenny just jumped in. “Dammit, Kenny,” I thought “we should’ve thought better about it.” I soon followed him and after me Ethan, who fell in a bad way before getting up.

We ran through the corridor while Kenny described the giant arachnid supposedly chasing us. Just then, Ethan suddenly tripped and fell behind. I headed for his rescue, but Kenny pushed me back forward:

- We can’t stop now!

I forced myself back for him. The arachnid showed up in the distance and was quickly catching up Ethan. I blasted the monster for no use. Soon it would be on me if I stood still. Ethan panicking, when suddenly sI see something thrown and then I hear a loud explosion.

- Didn’t think I would need to use that woman’s weird shit. - Kenny commented. The arachnid stopped moving.

Recovered from the shock, we reached the end of the long corridor. It had only one ten feet exit hole. The soldier gave me footing to climb up, followed by Ethan, whom I helped climb up.

As I lend the hand to help Kenny climb, I heard that thing coming again. Kenny looked at me in fear before a giant spider-like leg pierced him. Shocked, I only left him behind.

---


I had no idea where we were. I felt an underground river flowing through my feet and there was a path of dead monster bodies. Following it, we found a sleeping bag resting against a slightly elevated platform.

- Stay still! - I felt a gun cylinder on my back.

The figure walked around revealing to be Madalena, smirking at us.

---


After the casual meeting, we’ve talked about how we got here. Madalena reported her device has broken and she was walking in circles, mostly clearing the area.

Without anywhere to go, we talked about casual life things. Ethan had scientific ambitions. I had the university as my life goal, but no idea what to do after graduation. Madalena seemed happy just working there. When questioned why, she answered:

- I don’t trust anyone outside. They haven’t gone through the same we have. They just put their best false smile, speak pretty vaguely and say everything is gonna be fine. I don’t want to meet them ever again.

After resting, we explored the surroundings with an actual map when I heard wing flaps on the ceiling. There were six and counting flying creatures there. I blasted two, but soon two of them were on me. Madalena shot them off, still smirking.

We had to run once again, the monsters piling up. It wasn’t long until we found ourselves surrounded both directions.

- Take this! - The woman gave me a weird shaped gun, seeming to enjoy this. I shot the closest of these things, engulfing it in fire.

We were in circle. I had the fire, Ethan the electricity. The elderly woman attacked with a seemingly retractable sword like a maniac.

The creatures kept multiplying. I could spot a small hole leading to a small tunnel ahead. Madalena gave me one of her explosive devices and told me to go. She then litt up a flare and went straight towards the monsters.

I ran through the tunnel alongside Ethan. It was so small we almost had to crawl. I heard a laughter and then an explosion behind.
I set the device I received. It started beeping, with its intervals progressively becoming shorter until it set off.

---


The next day, I was transported back to the interviewer. Ethan talked enthusiastically about our discoveries, when two men carrying guns ordered him to come along, while telling me to wait. He still talked enthusiastically down the hallway. A few minutes later, he went silent abruptly.

The same two men showed up to guide me to the contractor. He was smiling. When I asked him about Ethan, he vaguely answered:

- He’s already going home. - He led me to the same kind of room I took the injection. - It’s the drug antidote.

He left the room, leaving me with the doctor, who told me to lie down, saying it will be fine. As he walked with the syringe, I felt something wrong in his eyes.

God forgive me for what I was about to do next.

I punched him away from me, knocking him out. I hid behind the door and when the guards kicked the door open, I kicked the first strong enough to send him to the wall and grabbed the other by the neck, twisting it. Before the other could get up, I took the first one’s gun and shoot him three times. By this time, the contractor showed up in the door, with his expression turning into horror.

Fuck you, Jeremy. I should have never trusted you.


Should probably extend for others too though, I refuse to win by W.O.
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Post Post #129 (isolation #7) » Wed Aug 28, 2019 9:05 am

Post by Creature »

In post 127, Something_Smart wrote:There are some times when the phrasing is either confusing or overly blunt, which I assume is probably a language thing
I had to cut off quite a lot of words because it went way past the word limit. Here's the original unedited one (may contain some grotesque errors):

Spoiler: The Rocky Caves (original), 2583 words
This was it. I failed.

I didn’t even reach close. My name showed up only twenty pages later when each page had 50 names. My chance of ever getting to the so desired university was done.

I would need to pay up to 18,000 new dollars a year just to get pre-university grade. No one from my family would ever be able to pay that up and I’d be on debt for life. Maybe I was really doomed to just be a Typhoonware low worker.

---


One day, my rich cousin, Jeremy, visited home. Previously I didn’t realize I had a rich cousin, but now that I do, I feel like he’s the worst person I could ever borrow money from.

- Ryan! - He called my name with a stupid grin.

He was quite obnoxious and I remember him speaking quite long, but I didn’t process a single bullcrap from him. Until he asked me about the university. How the fuck did he know that? Who told him that?

Anyway, I was quite vague when speaking about it, but eventually I was forced to admit I failed and for fuck’s sake I decided to hint I need his money borrowed.

- Ryan! - Jeremy spoke a little more serious and attentive way, but then quickly returned to his grin. - I have the perfect solution for you!

He then proceeded to type on his device and it printed something that resembled one of those cards generic stores like to give out for their clients.

- Pay attention! Because this is how I got this rich. - My cousin spoke as if I was really interested to hear his life achievements.

He proceeded to talk about...huh...mining?

From what I got, I’d work at mining some pretty valuable mineral in the rocky caves for seven days. Apparently that mineral should be valuable enough to get myself signed into the first grade if I worked average. Jeremy then proceeded to talk exclusively about what to do afterwards, but I had no interest.

To be honest, I wanted mostly Jeremy to just go away. After he “peaced out”, I just looked at the card again and thought it was my only way of getting to the university.

---


I learned the rocky caves is a pretty dangerous largely unexplored set of caves. It had a lot of mutant creatures ready to attack anyone they detect. I’d need to be drugged, which would make my body stronger and more agile to take on them. It was made pretty clear I would be risking my life for money.

First came the interview. The contractor would ask me to tell my motivations and what I intended to do afterwards. He also tested me through the whole time, I knew he would be ready to ditch me off if I showed any hesitation. I also noticed he seemed to be feeding my greedy through the whole interview.

When the drug was injected into my veins, I didn’t feel stronger or more agile, I just felt more whole body freezing. I was told to rest until my time came. When it did, I was given a uniform, all the stuff I’d need to mining and to provide light, my own supplies and sleeping bag, and I also got a light-rechargeable plasma gun.

After going through an endless maze of tunnels, the transport stopped when the map seemed to show a vast unexplored void forward and dropped me alongside three other workers.

The first one is named Kenny, he apparently is a retired soldier with the most generic greed out of all. He would taunt us occasionally for not working “as hard as he did”. His only good quality was his obsession with being the hero, keeping me from having to take the monsters by myself.

The second one is named Madalena, a fairly elderly woman who claims to have worked almost her entire life in the caves. Sometimes she would talk to me criticizing the other two workers, but eventually I figured she would criticize me behind my back to each of them. She also seemed to carry extra weapons with her.

The third one is named Ethan and he seemed to be quite of a, sometimes annoying, science fan. He took responsibility for all the complicated electronic stuff, such as the AurDrones, mini-drones designed to send the extracted aurbornite to the contractors.

---


The progress went pretty slow. About four days of mining, we barely got 4 pounds each. During the fifth day, Kenny just grunted:

- This won’t get us anything! - Even though I think that would be enough to pay the first year.

- Sometimes we score big, sometimes we don’t. - The woman tried to pull the philosopher and then proceeded to start talking about how she had her ups and downs in her last career.

The retired soldier soon got angry at her while Madalena kept smiling. Ethan meanwhile looked to the path that would lead to somewhere not in the map. I instantly noticed the bad idea and whispered him not to do that, which the other two overheard.

- Do what? - Kenny dumbly asked. Madalena pointed forward and Kenny immediately realized what she meant. - Are you fucking crazy? It’s a fucking unexplored area! May be a nest of those fuckers ahead!

- What? A retired soldier is scared? - The woman taunted. - Don’t worry, you can stay here while we find more aurbornites scattered somewhere.
Madalena would feed up his greed enough to change his expression to a challenging grin. I had a lot of objections to this idea, but I expected them to not change their mind.

- We’re returning if this gets bad. - I warn them.

---


Kenny took the front. Some rat-like and bat-like child-sized creatures would eventually pop up in small groups, but not strong enough to take on Kenny’s strength and Madalena’s weapons. Though, I still had to crush one of these things’ head.

- Woah! It’s our lucky day! - The ex-soldier gasped.

It was none other than a big wall with the aurbornite clearly visible. It would grant not only all the money I need to university, but also the money to ascend to upper class.

- Let’s clean this wall up! - The woman hyped up.

We were now making quite the progress. As we mined through the walls, I felt something wrong, as if we weren’t supposed to be doing that. It turned out to be right, I could distinguish the figures showing up in the distance and the growls coming from them. My workmates also took notice.

- Pack these things! We gotta go! - Madalena shouted.

Kenny and she had taken the defense, the former mostly using his strength and while the latter using all sorts of weapon available. Ethan prepared the AurDrones while I gathered the most aurbornite possible.

One of these rats bit my left arm, but luckily the drug didn’t allow my limb to be teared up. With my other arm, I managed to twist its head. However, a bat attacked me from the above and I had to keep it away enough to blast it with my plasma gun.

- Fuck this, we gotta go now! - I shouted.

They were coming from all places. We left half the minerals behind and we tried to follow the map back to our previous “safe” location. However, we ended diverted the wrong way.

Somehow we ended up in an underground building. As soon we entered it, we closed the door with the closest thing we found: a large candlestick. I noticed someone was missing:

- Where’s Madalena? - I tried to catch my breath.

I had a nasty bite on my left arm and plenty of scratches from the giant bat around my face. Ethan had a bite mark on his angle and was limping. Kenny had the worse however, his back was bloodstained and he had a missing ear and missing fingers, which would be incurable even with the drug.

- She’s gone. - The ex-soldier said.

The door somehow was resisting well, eventually the attacks diminished. I suggested it would be a good idea to rest here. Kenny objected, but eventually conceded as he really needed to rest. I ended falling asleep too.

---


I woke up to a brighter room and all its...signs? - visible. Ethan seemed like a child in a video game conference. I would ask what the fuck was he doing.

- This place is amazing! - He would then proceed to talk about each detail I wouldn’t bother about. - We can make millions with this discovery!

I was still pretty confused to react, but the millions behind it got me excited. Just then, Kenny woke up, visibly tired, but he seemed better than last time.

- We should be able to go back. - The soldier suggested.

Kenny removed the candlestick and opened the door carefully, just to close it and put it back. I was about to ask what was it, but he just looked at me in horror and said:

- We’re fucked.

Suddenly, the door started banging hard. It was still able to resist, but definitely was giving in bit by bit.

- I know an exit! - Ethan shouted.

We ran across multiple hallways following Ethan.

- I have checked all this building except this part that seemed like a large corridor. - He showed us a door leading to a fair fall, but not that much of a fall. - I don’t know if there’s an exit ahead or it just leads to a dead end. Once we go in, there’s no return.

Kenny just jumped in. “Dammit, Kenny,” I thought “we should’ve thought better about it. You’re right though, we didn’t have much time.” I soon followed him and after me Ethan, but he seems to have felt pain in his injured ankle.

We ran through the corridor while Kenny described the giant arachnid supposedly chasing us. Ethan suddenly tripped and fell behind. When I was heading for his rescue, Kenny pushed me back forward:

- We can’t stop now!

I forced myself back for him. The arachnid had appeared in the distance and was quickly catching up Ethan. I tried blasting the monster for no use and soon it would be catching on me if I stood still. Ethan was already panicking, when suddenly I see something being thrown and then I hear a loud explosion.

- Didn’t think I would need to use that woman’s weird shit. - Kenny commented.

The arachnid seemed to have stopped moving. Recovered from the shock, we went to the end of the long corridor. It had only one fairly out of reach exit. The soldier gave me footing to climb up, followed by Ethan, whom I grabbed his hand to help him climb up.

As I lend the hand to help Kenny climb, I heard that thing coming again. Kenny looked at me in fear before a giant spider-like leg pierced him through his back. I had to push myself and Ethan down through the exit.

---


At this point I had absolutely no idea where we were. There seemed to have an underground river flowing through my feet. Eventually we found a path of dead monster bodies. Following it, we found a sleeping bag resting against a slightly elevated platform.

- Stay still! - I felt a gun cylinder on my back.

The figure walked around revealing to be Madalena smirking at us.

---


After the casual meeting, we’ve talked about how we got here. Madalena reported her device has broken and she seemed to be walking in circles, clearing the area.

Without anywhere to go, we just talked about casual life things. Ethan revealed his scientific projects. I had the university as my life goal, but then I realized I had no idea what to do after that. Madalena seemed happy just working at the caves. Eventually I questioned why and she answered:

- I don’t trust anyone outside this cave. They aren’t going through the same we are. They just put their best false smile, talk pretty vague and say everything is gonna be fine. Glad I don’t even need to meet them again.

After resting, we explored the surroundings with an actual map. I heard wing flaps on the ceiling. None other than five, six and counting bat-like creatures were there. It meant we were on the right track. I could blast two, but soon some of them were on me. Luckily Madalena shoot them off, while smirking.

It was an obviously bad idea, but we decided to take a run anyway. The monsters kept piling up. It wasn’t long until we found ourselves surrounded both two directions. The woman still seemed to be enjoying:

- Take this! - She gave me a weird shaped gun.

I shot the closest of these things, engulfing it in fire. I soon got used to it. We were in circle. While I had the fire, Ethan had the electricity. The elderly woman seemed to be attacking with a retractable sword like a maniac.

No matter how great we did, the creatures would keep multiplying. I could see a small hole leading to a small tunnel on the wall a little ahead, which others did see too. As a last resort, Madalena gave me one of her explosive devices and lit up a red flare, telling me to go. She then went straight towards the monsters.

I couldn’t think a lot. I just went through the tunnel alongside Ethan. It was so small we almost had to crawl. I heard an explosion behind, from her probably. Still, I didn’t think about it and just set the device. It started beeping and the intervals between the beeps progressively became shorter until it set off.

---


The next day, I was transported back to the same place I got interviewed. Ethan kept talking enthusiastically about our discoveries. Eventually two men in uniform carrying guns ordered him to come along, while telling me to wait my turn. I could still hear him talking enthusiastically in the hallway with another man. A few minutes later, he went silent abruptly.

Later the same two men showed up to guide me. I met the contractor once again. He was smiling the same way Jeremy did. I asked him about Ethan, which he vaguely answered:

- He’s already outside waiting for you. - As he led me to the same kind of room I took the injection. - It’s to nullify the drug effects. Don’t worry, you will be fine after a rest.

He left the room, leaving me with the doctor, who told me to lie down. As he walked with the syringe, I felt something wrong in his eyes.

God forgive me for what I was about to do next.

I punched him away from me, apparently knocking him out. I hid behind the door as the guards kicked the door open. I kicked the first man strong enough to send him to the wall while I grabbed the other by the neck and cracked it. Before the other could get up, I took the first one’s gun and shoot him two, three times. By this time, the contractor showed up in the door and I could see his expression turning into horror.

It was all your fault. I should have never trusted you. Fuck you, Jeremy.
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Post Post #130 (isolation #8) » Wed Aug 28, 2019 9:17 am

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In post 128, popsofctown wrote:I've been playing some forum DnD
Link?

Your story seems interesting too, pops. Thought I would win solely by size.

The Prompt:

"A difficult choice."
2000 words.

(expired on 2019-09-12 17:00:00)
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Post Post #134 (isolation #9) » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:56 am

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In post 132, Something_Smart wrote:
In post 129, Creature wrote:I had to cut off quite a lot of words because it went way past the word limit.
Oh, that makes sense. I had a similar problem with my last story.
I personally dislike setting a word limit. I'd like make it open.

I don't think someone will write an actual book anyway lol
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Post Post #136 (isolation #10) » Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:08 am

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pops + S_S + Carca?

I may try to write my own fiction too
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Post Post #144 (isolation #11) » Sun Sep 08, 2019 1:46 pm

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In post 136, Creature wrote:I may try to write my own fiction too
Posting here to force myself to do that.
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Post Post #146 (isolation #12) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 11:04 am

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Spoiler: Calypso, 1992 words
The sky has turned completely dark. The sea got more agitated, testing the tiny boat made of plastic barrels, rotten wood planks and improvised fence.

There were sixteen human beings in a pretty tiny area, mostly children and women. They were all escaping from war, hunger and misery, seeking a new life across the Mediterranean sea.
However, at this moment they were as scared as they were on land. I grasped my Sandra’s hands, tighter.

The sea calmed down a bit, more like a calm before the storm. First came the rain, starting slow but gaining strength. Then the sea once again got agitated, but more intensively. The men began shouting orders, but there was nothing they could really do as the boat had no structure to be controlled.

One big wave shook the boat enough to push them out of the boat. Then the panic began. The men and women still in the boat desperately tried to take the children back to the boat, but to no avail. I held strong enough on what I judged to be the most stable plank, while also holding hands with my 11-year-old sister to keep her from being pushed away.

Suddenly one wave was enough to wash us both off the boat. My first instinct was to find and grab Sandra first then swim back to the boat. The boat was floating just there, empty. I swam closer to it, but it went in my direction and hit me hard.

I was still conscious and floating, but unable to move my muscles. I could see my sister made it to the boat with the help of one other man, but I felt the sea dragging me further away while she just shouted from the distance.

---


I woke up on some sort of the beach. I could see multiple trees in the distance, shaping a forest. As I walked towards it, I could hear birds chirping and leaves rustling. Many of the trees seemed to carry fresh looking fruits and my stomach rumbled. As I grabbed an apple and began eating it, I felt like I finally arrived paradise.

As I explored the place, I figured it was an island, a nice island. I felt like it was designed to fulfill my wishes. It was so beautiful, even when night began it felt like the best night I ever had. The days began passing, and, as they passed, worries went through my head: first, this wasn’t the continent I sought for; second, I still am missing someone.

As much as I fell in love with the island, I decided I had to go. I would proceed to grab whatever I could to build a boat, which included sticks and I eventually could shape wood planks. I followed a routine of waking up, eating, doing my chores and working on building the boat.

One evening, I heard a song, it sounded like a woman’s voice. As I approached the sound, I saw the most beautiful woman. She had light red hair, a skin color unknown to me and wore a pure white linen dress. She didn’t stop singing even when I went closer to her. It felt like she was shining.

When the woman finished her melody, she looked at me with a big smile. “Amru”, she began, “you finally arrived”. I didn’t know how she knew my name, but I was already in love with her. “Who are you?”, I asked. “I am Calypso”, she answered, “I’ve been here for you since the sea brought you here”.

I had so many questions, but my heart didn’t let my mind think. A force pushed me towards her lips. I slowly removed her white dress. This was going to be a long night.

---


I saw a pale woman lying in the bed. A man was sitting in a chair closer to her, completely silent and visibly sad. I was standing alongside a little girl, confused about what was happening. She was none other than my sister, the man was my father and the extremely ill woman was my mother.

The mother opened her eyes, immediately searching for my father, then for us. Her mouth opened, but no words came from. My father just gestured for her to stay silent.

As I approached her, I could tell how she was unrecognizable. She no longer had the energy when she would shout at me for running home and running unnecessary risks at my childhood, or when she would be protective of me and my sister.

Now she was just in the worst state possible. Eventually, she just partially closed her eyes partially and her chest stopped moving. The father gently closed it entirelly, looking pretty distant. She wasn’t even able to give her last words.

---


I woke up scared. It was morning already and I could spot Calypso close to the edge, staring the beauty of the island. As I approached her, she seemed to notice my sadness, showing a sympathizing smile. I decided to let it out to her:

I was born in a poor family as the second child. My parents had a total of six children. The fourth one was born dead and the youngest died of fever within 6 months of life. My oldest brother took his life.

I mostly bonded with my two years younger brother, third children of the family. I still remember the day we played hide and seek. I hid inside an empty ditch. When I realized he was taking too long to find me, I began seeking for him. When I turned the corner, I saw his body lying with a shot on his head.

I told her about my mother,: she was pretty religious, even though I couldn’t believe any good deity would allow such things to happen. Nonetheless she was still very protective of me. However, she fell sick and we didn’t get any medical help.

Telling Calypso my life story just made me search for her arms even more. Not only was her the perfect woman, but like a mother I lost. I was glad to be with her.

The days passed and I continued working on the boat, perfecting it as much as possible. However, when I finished it, I realized I didn’t want to go, but rather wanted to stay in the island with the yet still mysterious woman.

The days kept going and my past kept haunting me. I told her how my father got into alcohol. He would arrive later and shout at me and my sister, occasionally migrating to physical attack. He would always apologize, but he wouldn’t change.

There was one time he arrived home pretty drunk and got in a fight with my at the time 9-years-old sister and I charged at him. We had equal footing, but we both ended badly hurt and our relationship only got worse.

Calypso stood near the edge, beautiful as ever. She had a sympathetic expression. “It’s all gone in the past. The past shouldn’t bother you anymore. It’s now just you and I, forever”.

---


The sleep embraced me to another possible nightmare. However, it seemed fine at first. My father arrived home and he seemed to be pretty nice today, although sad and distant. I soon would find out why: “We’re gonna build a boat. You’re gonna help me gather wood planks, plastic barrels and some poles and ropes. We’re leaving this country”, he said bluntly.

I was initially reluctant to leave the land I saw my mother and siblings die, but I could tell this place was becoming inhabitable. We walked through multiple buildings, looking for somewhat good looking materials. We would work on multiple places, seeking for bits of money, and sometimes we would steal materials. Multiple friends and desperate families went to help us build the boat to travel the Mediterranean sea. I felt closer to my father than ever, but still couldn’t forgive him for his previous abusive behavior.

However, one day, I was silently following him through a desert street when I suddenly heard shots and they kept multiplying each second. There was a crossfire between the state and the terrorists and we were cornered among the abandoned buildings.

We ran through alleys, avoiding the source of the sounds. However, as we crossed one street, I sensed something crossing the air and I saw it hitting my father close to the ribs before he dropped on the ground.

I dragged him inside the building. He began to cry, he kept shouting the word “sorry”, saying he was a bad father. When I calmed him, he told me: “please, tell your sister I’m sorry and be the father she needed”. Then he kept repeatedly mumbling sorry slowly before going silent.

---


That’s it, I gotta leave the island, I decided. I had the boat ready. I was going to go back to the sea and find where Sandra could be, maybe then I could return to the island and start a new life right here with Calypso and her.

“Amru”, Calypso responded, “once you leave this island you can’t return”. My heart sunk. I really needed to protect my sister, if she’s even alive, because I promised my father. On the other side, I finally got to live a good life, I had a place to live, I had all the means to survive, I had peace finally, and a beautiful woman with me.
“Calypso”, I asked: “what if I stay?”.

“I know you worry a lot about your sister because she’s your last family”, Calypso answered calmly, “however, there’s no good chance she’s alive. If you go back to the sea, you will be again through a lot of danger, and even if you make it to the other side, there’s no guarantee you will have a good life there”.

I was deeply saddened, she actually had a point. “If you decide to stay, I can make you forget your past, I can give you the greatest life you could hope for, I am going to be what life didn’t give you”.

The more she talked, the more I felt her embracing me. I hugged her pretty hard, but said: “sorry, Calypso”. Slowly and depressed, I dragged the boat to the water and climbed up. As the boat sailed the sea, I watched her figure getting smaller and smaller, until she went missing, alongside the island.

---


My view slowly gained light, although still blurred. As I scratched my eyes, I realized I was lying down in a mattress in a tent with multiple people. I saw a woman wearing a white uniform taking care of a visibly tired man. She apparently noticed me and spoke something I didn’t understand.

Another woman came and I asked her what happened. “You were found lying on the beach and we brought you to the refugee camp”, she answered, “you just passed out, but in general, you’re fine”.

“Was there someone else?”, I asked and she said no. I then started to describe what the boat I was in previously with my sister looked like and gave details about the travel and Sandra. “No, we haven’t found any boat you’re describing, nor have we seen that girl”.

I kept insisting for anything that could indicate she was still alive, but to no avail. That was when I realized I made a bad choice. “Sir, I suggest you go to the bathroom”, she suggested, “here, let me lead you”.

As the woman led me through multiple blocks, I saw multiple tents and a huge diversity of men, women and children around. She stopped at a small building containing two doors, one for men and other for women.

I entered the men’s bathroom and found a mirror right over the sink. As I stared at my reflection, I realized what was my decision. I decided to live, and I am going to make it count.


(self reminder to not count this)
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Post Post #153 (isolation #13) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 1:39 pm

Post by Creature »

I can accept an extension if everyone who submits before the deadline is okay with it.

Though, it's better if it is delivered within the deadline. Select some pretty good instrumentals songs (happy-themed, sad-themed, drama-themed), unplug the internet, open the word document and write it while the theme flows through your head.
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Post Post #158 (isolation #14) » Thu Sep 12, 2019 8:44 am

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Finish it atleast, even if it goes well past the deadline.
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Post Post #161 (isolation #15) » Thu Sep 12, 2019 1:31 pm

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Something_Smart and student haven't objected, so new deadline:

(expired on 2019-09-16 17:00:00)
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Post Post #164 (isolation #16) » Mon Sep 16, 2019 12:39 pm

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Spoiler: Pinball Wizard review
Let's see what you pulled this time. Is it another bully? Another secret plan?
In post 143, Something_Smart wrote:Eight pinball machines stood scattered about the room, leaving barely enough space to walk from one side to the other. There were also four in the kitchen, and two in each bedroom.
Woah, they must be crazy.
Angelo had unsuccessfully searched for a buyer.
Oh nvm, they're sellers.
Kat leaned lazily against the doorway. “Sorry, Angie. I know you hate to admit it, but there’s really no two ways about it this time. I was right and you were wrong.”

Angelo clenched his fists. “I told you not to call me that! And besides, I’ll find a way to sell them. The salesman promised that I’d be able to make a huge profit if I was just patient enough. Just give me one more week.”

“One more week?” Kat’s smile disappeared. “Angelo, those stupid things have been clogging up your apartment for almost a month. And because of what? You believed some bullshit a con man told you?”

“He’s not a con man!” Angelo gestured wildly, almost knocking the phone off of the table. His expression softened somewhat as he picked up the phone and put it back. “Multi-level marketing is the next big thing, okay? It’s the way of the future.”

“Pyramid schemes are not the way of the future. That Ponzi guy was doing this stuff forty years ago.”
I am liking the fight around here.
Kat flashed an angry glare. “Look, the Liberation Club was a good idea. They’re all about fighting corporate dominance and corrupt politics. It’s not my fault they decided to start killing people to prove their point.”
Seems like a good setup.
“DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT MY BROTHER!” Kat’s face began to redden, but she placed her hands on her chest and began breathing deeply.
Hmmm
“Fine. If you want to keep your stupid pinball machines, you can keep your stupid pinball machines.” She slammed the door and walked out.
So it has some good drama.
She took a step back. “Didn’t you read today’s paper? Those machines are-- uh...” She trailed off and pointed toward the store’s newspaper rack.
Getting pretty interesting.
Now who would be interested in buying sixteen bombs?
You got a deal hehe
“Heeeeeeey, Angelo! Long time no see.” Hearing that voice was like nails on a chalkboard.

“Hi, Mark.” This was none other than Kat’s younger brother. The infamous ringleader of the extremist Liberation Club. [...] He joined the Liberation Club on Kat’s request and immediately took it from a peace-loving protest group to a violent anarchist army.
Haha

Good good

So I can understand what's the hard decision now.
“Sure, that will work.” Angelo hung up. The anxiety was completely gone. He’d made his decision. Mark arrived with his truck, and the two men loaded the machines in. After watching Mark drive away, Angelo took a quick trip to the bank, then went back to his apartment and dialed a number on the phone.

“Hey, Kat, it’s me. I’ve got something to tell you...”
Oh well, that's how it ends then. No real action or drama, but very interesting story.
Angelo glanced down at the newspaper article he’d been reading. TRAGEDY-- Arcade Hall Explosion Kills 13. Foul Play Suspected. After a moment of contemplation, he turned back to Kat and put on a serene smile.

“Nah,” he replied.
Hehe, sorta was expecting this after the climax. I can imagine how he said "Nah".

Spoiler: The Monkey review
It's 86 words, but I probably shouldn't judge on that. Something interesting may come from those few words.
In post 145, student wrote:The monkey clutches its banana harder. Its hand is trapped in a hole that is just large enough for its hand to enter, but not enough for its fist to come out.

The scientist observes the monkey intently while writing down her observations. For the 38th time, her experimentation on smart monkeys had ended in failure. She studies her notes and mutters to herself, surely, by mutating the ARMC5 gene some way or another, surely, the experiment would work. Surely.

The scientist clutches her notes harder.
Okay, that seems like something. I like the "Surely" part.

Making a max-100-words story seems like a good challenge.

Spoiler: A Soul for A Soul review
Would this be Carcalilly's debut story? Not sure if she already posted a story before. Though, am curious to see.

First glance, I may have trouble reading this, but it's maybe just a paragraph problem. Would suggest leaving an empty space between two paragraphs, but I'm not counting that for my review.
Alexander Conmar and his men had been caught a minor snowstorm the night before the siege. It pricked at their heavy lungs and reduced their line of sight to where the enemy fortress, dubbed “King Hill”, was completely invisible under the hazy sky.
So guess it's a war?
Heavily defended by the autocracy for nearly a decade, King Hill was the final standing point of the Arleon Empire, and consequently its capital. Conmar and his predecessors grew to become their greatest rival in nothing short of empirical world-takeover.
Like the build-up here.
The war efforts had doubled as it approached the 20th year anniversary of the death of Victor Conmar, consequently, Alexander’s father. It was his tragic death, poisoned by his late fiance who turned out to be an insider from Arleon.
Today would be the day he took vengeance.
A difficult choice and a vengeance. Hehe I wanna see where will this lead.
his power was supernatural.
Let's see what it is then.
Many were shocked by Conmar's choice, but to him it made sense.
I may have missed what was the choice, but maybe it will be revealed alongside the story. If yes, it was probably a good idea.
Unlike other advisors, he would never try to play Devil's Advocate with his employer. He never tried to change or challenge Conmar's plans, only improve them. He ended up being more of an editor than an advisor.
I like this character development.
"Twenty years we have fought. Twenty years we have sacrificed to win this war. All the efforts of all those lost, and all those here today, have led up to this moment. To my father, and to all that have fallen, we pray to Heaven above- stand with us and witness the final battle! Today will be the last day of Arleon!"
Good speech.
The takeover was quick and tidy. Conmar's flag was forcefully raised by the castle's flagpole, after the troops had burned Arleon's own flag. The fallen Emperor was swiftly executed with a platinum bullet. It was over. They had won. He had won.
Oh it went quickly.
But something was wrong.
When not?

So something must come afterwards.
"How does it feel?" It was not gentle, nor imploring. It was a curious accusation. A small twinge of guilt bubbled up in Conmar's stomach. He didn't want to hear it. Not now.
Would this be guilt speaking? Or another superpower character?
He did what he had to do, what anyone would do in his place. Despite this, his decision would burden him for the rest of his life.
So this story looks more oriented towards the consequences of the choice rather than the choice itself.
"Do you not remember? Perhaps I need to remind you…" The voice grew incrementally louder, and soon, Conmar's vision faded to black.
And this gets interesting.
He was home, with the woman he loved, and who loved him for who he was. He started laughing softly, embracing her in his arms. "God, darling, you don't have to spoil me as much as you do. I love you…"
"I love you too, Alexander."
Probably this develops Alexander's motivations further.
"It was that night you traded Hannah's soul for ensured victory against the Arleons." It finally clarified.
So this was the choice. A pretty shocking choice actually.
"You had to win. As soon as I, a demon, offered you power, victory and all you desired, you accepted. No matter the cost. You knew you had to give her up, but it was the right choice, don't you think?" It wouldn't stop taunting him. His nails dug into the metallic pole, producing a horrible scratching noise that he couldn't even hear over the venomous voice.
Good I-don't-know-what's-this-called (reach?) here. I can see the pain of the choice.
He cast the essence of an angel sent to him, to love and cherish him, into the damned talons of a being of hell.
That's really terrible, Conmar.
The clock had just struck 6AM as the gunshot echoed the empty street. All that was left was the king's blood staining the sidewalk, and the rising sun of the morning.
Fitting ending. A brave victory, but a pretty dark twist surrounding the sacrifice.

Spoiler: Contacts review
Haven't read any kuribo's story, but I probably respect him as a writer. Let's see if he deserves to reclaim his throne though.

At first glance, it seems like easier to read than the other three considering there are shorter paragraphs.
In post 163, kuribo wrote:Madison almost said no, mostly out of habit. She glanced at her phone, then back at Rob. Not bad looking, she thought to herself. Handsome, actually. He had dark hair, a nice tan, and a smile that cut through the low light of her surroundings.
Oh right, should have expected this.
Madison glanced at her phone, still facedown on the bar. For just a moment, she closed her eyes and her heart sank. She should answer these texts, but good-looking guys aren’t exactly a dime a dozen in this city.
I wonder what about her phone.
“Might be your boyfriend calling.”

“I don’t have one.”
Let me guess: she's ignoring her boyfriend's call?
“I like going rock climbing once or twice a year,” he said, “It really helps. Have you ever been?”

“Me? Oh, no, I’ve never done anything like that.”

“You should try it, it’s a really great way to get close to the earth’s natural beauty.”
So it must be about rock climbing. I wonder if I'll find action, drama or angst.
Dan

I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you. You have every right to be angry over what I did. I can’t excuse any of it.

I’ve ruined the only thing that ever made sense to me. All I could ever ask is that you find it in your heart to forgive me, to be with me, to try and love me again.

I wish I had never met her, and I wish I had never done the things I did. I can’t take them back, Maddy, but I can become a better person.
Dirty Dan
*BZZZZ BZZZZ

For just a moment, the spell broke, and she remembered the phone in her hand as she ended the kiss.
Ouch how bad.
Dan
You are my entire world, my soul, and without you I am lost.

Madison hesitated for a second, just long enough to tear up a bit. She pushed aside the memories of the good times, and even the memories of the bad times. This was a step she was going to have to take sooner or later. She texted Dan.

Madison
I’m sorry. I can’t.
So I could understand this story: seems more like oriented towards someone moving on, but I can imagine she won't keep Rob for long and it will be another Dan repeat.


Spoiler: Overview
I tried reviewing based on my reactions about each story. I tried looking for the positive aspects of each story. I was at a cafe with a mildly loud noise, and also an epic styled piano music kept playing in my head, so if I went to read home my mood may have been different. Still, would rather not delay this.

Something_Smart's story managed to catch my attention pretty soon with the pinballs. I like how it took a twist and the ending ("Nah") was pretty good. The characters also had a well-defined personality: one greedy man, one pacifist girlfriend and one crazy terrorist brother-in-law.

student's story seemed more like one scenery with each character taking one action: the monkey struggling to get its hand out and the scientist just observing, pretending everything is fine. Although not really a story, it managed to be somewhat interesting. It would be interesting to see hundreds 100-word stories depicting every reflexive social situation.

Carcalilly's story sorta seemed hard to read. The universe seemed interesting and I would want to see the battle scenes unraveling. I like how the characters were given their merits and I could see how important was each character for the hero's trajectory. I could see how the main character went from a glorious victory to a tragic twist over guilt.

kuribo's story was pretty easy to read, it had pretty short paragraphs that made it easier to flow with, apparently there was no need to keep telling the past of the characters anyway. It kept its romantic thriller for a while as I wondered what was going on with the phone and made me desire to continue it. Although the story wasn't really my style, I can see its merits for someone who's more into romance.

If I were to merge all of them, I would expect a story consisting of characters with well-defined personalities like Something_Smart's, characters questioning what they're doing like student's, character and world development like Carcalilly's and a pretty good-flowing writing style like kuribo's.

If there was any writing error, I probably went past it. It didn't affect the review and what matters is the story development anyway.

After thinking, I decided to choose
Something_Smart
's story as the winner. It had mostly fairly short and easy-to-read paragraphs, like kuribo's. It had a unique way of catching my attention. It also seemed to have a pretty interesting setup. The characters were better developed there and I think it had the most creative twist. If I were to show one of the four stories to someone, most likely I'd choose this.

This wasn't really a technical review, it was more how I felt about the stories while also focusing on the positive aspects. Sorry if I sound biased anywhere or if my taste looks bad.
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Post Post #172 (isolation #17) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 10:16 am

Post by Creature »

Spoiler: I Need a Real Clue, 1500 words
Catherina Morgan has been found dead this morning
, the TV reporter spoke.

Catherina, the famous “I Need a Real Clue” singer is dead?

She was shot multiple times by Kane Jefferson
, the TV reporter continued.

My father? How? No, he couldn’t have done that.

The TV reporter continued bringing details about the incident. I knew my father had engaged in a relationship with her, but recently they had a fight and broke up. He’s still not able to do this.

There were also reports of money fraud concerning Kane
, the TV reporter said, switching to another man wearing coat:
yes, it is believed Jefferson’s family built their wealth based on schemes involving scamming and tax fraud. That would explain the homicide.


I turned off the TV. “Liars!”, I wanted to shout. How could they talk that bad about our family? They invested so much time to rise their corporation, they wouldn’t ever go corrupt. Who are they to talk bad about my family?

I risked a peek on my tablet, swarmed with message notifications ranging from “Are you okay?” to death threats. I turned off the notifications and scrolled the news feed, also cluttered with the recent happening. As I scrolled, I saw the camera video recording the murder. It felt so weird: why did he show his face on the camera? If my father was rich, why wouldn’t he hire someone to do that?

My tablet ringed with a new report:
Mr. Jefferson’s execution scheduled for Sunday
. In three days? How did they judge him this fast? No, there’s something clearly wrong.

I turned on the TV again and switched to a channel that doesn’t broadcast news. However, for some reason, they were talking about Catherina’s life and trajectory to success. Damn, she was pretty gentle, benevolent and lovable. My father would never murder her.

The TV broadcast her top hit. When it hit the chorus, I cried uncontrollably.

It ended so out of the blue
I’m not willing to just let it fall through
Your words sound so untrue
I need a real clue


---


After recovering, I first tried to talk with my father, but the officers turned me down. One of them sadistically said: “you will never meet your father again”. I could hear them talking about how my father pleaded innocence, accusing someone named Alan Howard.

Then I moved to my father’s residence, surrounded by policemen not allowing me to enter. One officer appeared from the front door, reporting there were only burnt papers. I could spot his hand hiding a lighter.

“Lara Jefferson?”, a reporter showed up, “mind being interviewed?”

I said yes and walked away, speeding up as more of them kept approaching.

I called my brother Albi, who was traveling in Canada. “Hello, sister. How do you do?”, he answered enthusiastically. “Our father is being framed of murder”, I told him what I noticed, “we need to save him”. His mood changed and I could tell he was thinking something.

“I searched for this man Alan Howard, he’s pretty rich and is running for governor”, he said, “he’s also looking for a maid”.

“Fuck”, I muttered to myself realizing what Albi was planning.

I changed my hairstyle and faked a new ID card. The same day I was interviewed by Alan Howard himself, “how are you, sweetie?”, he tried to pick up on me. I kept my cool and got hired.

The next day, I received one small camera and three pretty tiny voice recorders. The plan would be to place one voice recorder in his office, one in his favorite coat and I would keep the last and the camera with me. Each recording would be sent straight to my brother real-time. We expected him to unawarely confess.

The first day, I managed to do my part. We couldn’t get a confession, but my brother learned something disturbing.

“Our father’s residence got confiscated and is being auctioned, apparently Alan wants the house.”, he said. “Why?”, I asked. Albi paused and said: “it holds an artifact that allows anyone who uses it to be above law and control the world”. I asked further about it, but received no feedback.

“Lara, the auction is tomorrow, we have until then to stop him”

---


The second day, as I was cleaning the library, I noticed one book with an odd title: Dark Secrets about Thomas Jefferson. When I grabbed to check it, the bookshelf moved revealing a passage.

I pulled my camera and started recording as I climbed down. It revealed a room containing something that looked like my father. “So that explains it”, I muttered.

Other than that, I spotted multiple scriptures and drawings that resembled a large-sized bird skull. The scriptures used weird letters, but for some reason I could understand them.

Apparently, the skull is guarded by the Jefferson family. It is a very powerful native-American artifact and anyone who wears it can select any person of the world, read their mind and even control them.

Just then, I felt a small syringe being plucked in my neck. I last see Alan Howard before blacking out.

---


When I woke up, I was tied to a metal chair in an empty room. “Good news, Lara”, I heard Howard say, “I won the auction...for your residence”.

“Bad news, Howard”, I smirked, “you’re getting arrested”.

Alan Howard laughed for a while before saying: “it doesn’t matter anymore. Once I get that skull, the police will be me...the world will be me”.

He threw multiple bottles on the ground, spilling some liquid. “As for you, Lara”, he opened multiple taps, “you will slowly be dissolved by acid”. Afterwards, he climbed the stairs and closed the door.

The water level reacted with the acid on the floor, rising its volume slowly. It soon got on my feet and I felt a burning sensation. However, the rope tying them to the chair dissolved.

I stared at the rising water level and the rope tying my hands. “Fuck me”, I muttered.

I threw myself backwards. My clothes soaked with acid and my arms and back started burning. I was screaming when I finally got my hands free.

I ran to the stairs, whose steps were slowly dissolving. My feet and hands looked pretty ugly and my shirt was half burnt. I kept banging against the door, screaming, trying to break it.

When the water level was close to the last step, I heard something opening the door.

“Hey, you alright?”, Albi asked.

---


After explaining everything and getting myself new clothes, Albi drove following the GPS on the voice recorder I put on Alan Howard’s favorite coat. It showed up on the central park. Multiple officers were on the central park, mostly protecting Alan.

They ordered us to stop, but my brother accelerated the car against the Alan figure. However, multiple police cars stopped us just a few meters away. As I hid behind the back seats, Albi looked me a last time before getting yanked off the car.

Just when I thought he was going to be shot, multiple fireworks showed up in the sky. I took that moment of distraction to run against Alan Howard. I could stand up against him for a while before he violently threw me on the floor. When I got up, he was no longer in sight.

Soon I could hear his voice from anywhere, his face showing up on the main billboard: “
From now on I have control over this city and soon the world
”, I heard he say, “
any resistance will be shut down
”.

As he kept on his dialogue, I approached my brother when I spotted my father well alive. I hugged him and he hugged me back. He seemed sad, but I wasn’t. The real skull was with me. I couldn’t believe I successfully exchanged them during that engage.

My father took the real artifact and soon I could spot Alan Howard screaming and shaking convulsively before banging his head against the stand he was in until he passed out. I couldn’t read his mind, but I smiled as I imagined his pain.

---


As we were moving off the city, I learned what had happened. My father persuaded one loyal officer to drive him to the central park. On their way, they launched one flare on the sky, distracting the officers enough. My brother got the false skull from Alan’s room, for some reason a perfect copy of the original.

I asked my father why he used the skull. “The world shall not know the power of the artifact, so better they think it’s a curse”, he answered, “also he deserved that for fucking with our family...and Catherina”.

“I won’t hide our family’s secrets anymore”, Kane said. “We’ll have to destroy this artifact now”.

He turned on the radio, coincidentally broadcasting Catherina’s top hit:

It ended so out of the blue
I’m not willing to just let it fall through
Your words sound so untrue
I need a real clue


:/
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Post Post #179 (isolation #18) » Fri Oct 04, 2019 4:07 am

Post by Creature »

I'm mostly proud of fitting a big plot within 1500 words and I don't think I struggled a lot with word cuts although I could use a few more words. Prompt was kinda hard and I wanted to write something that wouldn't bore the readers.
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Post Post #183 (isolation #19) » Fri Oct 04, 2019 4:15 am

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In post 181, kuribo wrote:If this story, or this setting, were expanded into a 7000 word short story or even a 15000 word novella, I'd read it.
I could do it after I'm done writing a 15000-18000 words novella and if I have time before NaNoWriMo. I'm trying bigger word counts.
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Post Post #184 (isolation #20) » Fri Oct 04, 2019 4:15 am

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In post 182, Something_Smart wrote:Sorry if you disliked the prompt, by the way
Not really, your prompts initially make me unable to think of something but when I do I find it amazing.
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Post Post #190 (isolation #21) » Fri Oct 04, 2019 6:10 am

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I'm fine with the deadline being shorter. 750 words isn't much of a task. Also, I think it will allow one more deadline before NaNoWriMo.

EDIT: You can keep 750 too, sounds fun.
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Post Post #195 (isolation #22) » Sat Oct 05, 2019 3:53 am

Post by Creature »

There's the chance they may decide to edit it/write something else, but if they are okay with it and promise to not change, sure.
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Post Post #199 (isolation #23) » Sat Oct 05, 2019 8:06 am

Post by Creature »

Feel free to criticize stories from previous prompts. We like to hear something about our stories.
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Post Post #200 (isolation #24) » Sat Oct 05, 2019 4:38 pm

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In post 188, student wrote:(hope its not too draconian)
Spoiler: Modern Day Dragon, 739 words
I crack my way out this goddamn oval cell and the first thing I see is a feral-looking mother.

She flew, I waited and she returned with a dead animal body to feed me. She flew and returned with another animal body, and again, and again.

One day, she flew but didn’t return.

Tired of waiting, I flew from the nest myself and attacked a nearby animal. Then a bigger animal, then a bigger. One day, I was attacking an entire nest of them.

They were weird animals, had weird limbs, stubs instead of claws, weird removable appendixes and strange habits. Some of them who showed up had metal covering their body and were riding another animal.

They attacked me with their metal thing attached to their hands, but I flew away from them.

I attacked another village and more of them showed up. Another village, and another village. I found them annoying, but I was truly interested in them.

Years passed, decades passed, I soon grew to encircle the mountain I lived in.

Multiple of these metal-holding metal-bodied animals attacked me throughout times, some of them reciting their poetry before doing so, but I burned them all.

Decades passed, centuries passed, less of them showed up to face me. Even the villages I attacked seemed to not be anyone’s concern anymore. They even invited me to participate in their ‘war’.

I found the ‘war’ amusing at first, but I got tired and went for other fish.

One day, with the help of a gentle wizard and multiple ‘dragon rights’ activists, I was given their form and got invited to live in society.

I was given a job, I was given a home, I was given ‘responsibilities’.

I woke up, dressed, put a tasteless mass in the ‘coffee’ liquid and ate it, I brushed my fangs and went to the bus stop.

The bus was full and there was a screaming kid near me. I stared it as if I wanted to blast it with fire and it shut up at least.

I got off the bus and went to work.

The boss showed on my cubicle with a load of papers, looked at me and said: “don’t miss them this time, you filthy dragon”. I wished that filthy dragon could eat his head off right now.

After work, I met up with my ‘human’ friends, we told each other bad jokes, we got wasted and I fell asleep on the park bench.

The next day, these ‘human’ animals wearing blue and black appendixes forced me into some ‘recovery establishment’, containing multiple of drunk-looking of them.

I left it and went to the gym, did some run and push ups and left.

I left and I went to the park. It was way too loud, the air smelled bad and I had to scare off some kids. Then I sat on the bench and stared my old home.

Sir, the dragon I’ve came to slay

So with your daughter I can marry

To the top, her I will carry

And there stay for the rest of our days


I went back to my current home just to find my landlord angry, he said: “pay your rent or I am getting your dragon ass to the street”.

I turned on the TV. It was on Fox News, the headline was ‘Adoption rights for dragons’ and some pastor was callin us demons. I turned off the TV and slept on the couch.

The next day I went to work again and my boss called me to his office. “You’re fired”, he said.

I decided I was tired of this. I returned to my original form and ate his head, while utterly destroying the building. Then I flew off up to the sky.

As I flew, I observed those gas machines taking up entire streets, barely moving, roaring on each other. I observed these animals leaving on and off the shops. I observed some of them sitting at the side of the road in a miserable condition. I observed all them clearly frustrated.

I flew back to the mountain I was born in. There, I didn’t ever see these weird animals for a while.

One day, I saw one daredevil climb up with a large metal object with multiple appendices. I watched him use it to open my neck.

Oh well, that should’ve happened hundred years ago.

These animals are so stupid.
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Post Post #204 (isolation #25) » Sun Oct 06, 2019 12:01 am

Post by Creature »

In post 201, vizIIsto wrote:If I may critique stories from previous prompts, may I also write stories to those prompts if I feel like it? I don't really know what else to do with the time I've got on my hands... :oops:
Yes, I am somewhat writing previous prompts too.

Also you don't need to just spelling/grammar errors, but rather how enjoyable was that read.
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Post Post #206 (isolation #26) » Sun Oct 06, 2019 12:31 pm

Post by Creature »

If you want an extra challenge for your free time, here are two:

Spoiler: 100 Themes
Topics
IntroductionLoveLightDarkSeeking SolaceBreak AwayHeavenInnocenceDriveBreathe Again
MemoryInsanityMisfortuneSmileSilenceQuestioningBloodRainbowGrayFortitude
VacationMother NatureCatNo TimeTrouble LurkingTearsForeignSorrowHappinessUnder the Rain
FlowersNightExpectationsStarsHold My HandPrecious TreasureEyesAbandonedDreamsRated
TeamworkStanding StillDyingTwo RoadsIllusionFamilyCreationChildhoodStripesBreaking the Rules
SportDeep in ThoughtKeeping a SecretTowerWaitingDanger AheadSacrificeKick in the HeadNo Way OutRejection
Fairy TaleMagicDo Not DisturbMultitaskingHorrorTrapsPlaying the MelodyHeroAnnoyance67%
ObsessionMischief ManagedI Can'tAre You Challenging Me?MirrorBroken PiecesTestDrinkStarvationWords
Pen and PaperCan You Hear Me?HealOut ColdSpiralSeeing RedFoodPainThrough the FireTriangle
DrowningAll That I HaveGive UpLast HopeAdvertisementIn the StormSafety FirstPuzzleSolitudeRelaxation

Spoiler: Word Count Stairs
Word count
30,000+
Level 4
25,001 - 30,000
20,001 - 25,000
15,001 - 20,000
12,501 - 15,000
10,001 - 12,500
Level 3
9,001 - 10,000
7,501 - 9,000
6,001 - 7,500
5,001 - 6,000
4,001 - 5,000
Level 2
3,001 - 4,000
2,501 - 3,000
2,001 - 2,500
1,501 - 2,000
1,001 - 1,500
Level 1
501 - 1,000
101 - 500
0 - 100
Level 0
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Post Post #212 (isolation #27) » Sun Oct 06, 2019 11:52 pm

Post by Creature »

In post 209, vizIIsto wrote:How tf should I be able to make a 100 word story
100-word drabbles
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Post Post #217 (isolation #28) » Mon Oct 14, 2019 6:04 am

Post by Creature »

Yep, I got the idea from your post though. Glad it wasn't cringey, at least for you.

The Prompt:

"A man's or woman's best friend."
2500 words.

(expired on 2019-10-29 18:00:00)

Unleash your creativity.
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Post Post #223 (isolation #29) » Mon Oct 28, 2019 6:57 am

Post by Creature »

Is anyone on their way to finish this prompt? Otherwise I can freeze it until the end of NaNoWriMo and continue either with the same or a new prompt.
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Post Post #225 (isolation #30) » Mon Oct 28, 2019 7:06 am

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Likely I will if there aren't enough submissions.
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Post Post #226 (isolation #31) » Mon Oct 28, 2019 7:12 am

Post by Creature »

In post 224, Something_Smart wrote:I got an idea literally yesterday... if you extended it a few days I might be able to make it.
Hehe, I will try to go from scratch to a full story today.
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Post Post #229 (isolation #32) » Wed Oct 30, 2019 10:42 pm

Post by Creature »

New deadline:
(expired on 2019-11-02 18:00:00)

Is that okay?
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Post Post #231 (isolation #33) » Sun Nov 24, 2019 2:53 pm

Post by Creature »

Huh we're waiting the NaNoWriMo to end

I haven't written anything anyway, so I could continue this

If you want I can find a new prompt though
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Post Post #234 (isolation #34) » Wed May 06, 2020 8:51 am

Post by Creature »

Idk I don't really care
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Post Post #237 (isolation #35) » Wed May 06, 2020 11:00 am

Post by Creature »

I don't have one prompt in mind. Feel free to create a new one or use the latest as you desire.
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Post Post #239 (isolation #36) » Wed May 06, 2020 1:02 pm

Post by Creature »

In post 238, kuribo wrote:Not WritingPrompts, I'm not doing 1000 words about what if my crush could read my thoughts and we all had a number floating over our heads indicating our sexual virility and also werewolves are attacking
Glad I'm not the only one who thinks r/writingprompts is bullshit
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Post Post #240 (isolation #37) » Wed May 06, 2020 1:11 pm

Post by Creature »

The child from the underground
[Interpret it however you want]
Max: 2000 words
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Post Post #244 (isolation #38) » Sun May 17, 2020 1:40 am

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I think they come last minute
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Post Post #246 (isolation #39) » Sun May 17, 2020 9:03 am

Post by Creature »

In post 245, kuribo wrote:
In post 244, Creature wrote:I think they come last minute

Gotta take some time to polish that turd if I'm gonna slap my name next to it.
Guess I just wait until the very last minute to start writing and somehow come up with something
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Post Post #248 (isolation #40) » Thu May 21, 2020 6:10 am

Post by Creature »

Oh shit time's up

I'll get to this
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Post Post #249 (isolation #41) » Fri May 22, 2020 3:59 am

Post by Creature »

In post 248, Creature wrote:Oh shit time's up

I'll get to this
Shit this is like setting an alarm and forgetting to listen to it
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Post Post #250 (isolation #42) » Fri May 22, 2020 8:35 am

Post by Creature »

Spoiler: About the prompt
The prompt was originally inspired from the following image:

Image

I know they're children, not child, and they're under a viaduct, not underground. In fact, it took me a while to word the prompt as "The child from the underground" trying to leave it as open as possible, but sorta aimed to the above image.

I liked the idea of writing children because they don't have the rigidity adults have and are better at expressing their emotions. I used the singular "child" because you'd probably wouldn't have time to write multiple children. As for underground, I had something like a bridge in mind, but underground works just as well. Living in underground is like living in poverty and isolated from the world. There was also enough space to write an adult who had lived in extreme poverty as a child.

However, I wasn't expecting anything other than the story theme revolving around "Child from the underground" and however you wanted to interpret it, so, as I said, I left it as open as possible.

Spoiler: Zaphkael's "Moments"
Kinda regret having already read this before because I could use my surprise to evaluate this better, but I'll go anyway because I can still remember how I felt when reading that.
“Have you seen him again since last time?”

I shook my head.

“No. He’s left me alone”, I lied.

“Good.”

One year ago. That's when this all began.
I was on my daily commute to school when I saw him. Third stop, where nobody ever gets on the underground. He did.
I'm going to say I like this opening. The very short lines and paragraphs made it easier to engage in.
The slightly confused look on his face, his messy brown hair waving in the breeze that never seemed to end. The way he effortlessly hopped into the metro, and looked around with his big, hazel eyes. Do you know those wonderful, almost picture-like moments that seem to last forever? This one did. Everything about him was perfectly imperfect, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.
I also like how briefly was the character described mixed with actual action.
In post 241, Zaphkael wrote:Through the green of the leaves, and the orange of the sunset
This is a nice place description
In post 241, Zaphkael wrote:Time is a strange thing. One moment everything feels so unreal, and then it all comes crashing down.
Shit
Iron pillars blocked the entrance to a tall, grim building. “Psychiatric Residency Goodwill”, the sign said.
Now this gives a feeling...
“This is all my fault”, my mom cried, and “I’m doing this for you. Only for you.” I didn’t understand. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with us?
It seems you can develop the conflict pretty good.
Not once did he care about anyone else. Not once did he even speak to anyone else. Is this what love really is? Complete, unconditional loyalty? I don’t think so, but who am I to say. He helped me, with everything, despite everything. The doctors gave me pills, but he told me to flush them. Because they would make me sick. Because my mom wanted me gone. Because for some reason, I wasn’t worthy of being alive. And I believed him. Why wouldn’t I?
Iron pillars blocked the exit of this tall, grim building, but he was here with me. And nothing could get between us. Right?
Glad there's still something going on between them.
A new kid arrived, as scared and confused as I once was. I talked to her, about how she wasn’t alone. About how things would get better.
He lashed out at me. His hazel eyes now radiating hatred, his awkward smile nowhere to be found.
One conflict in one. Great.
He didn’t leave. He came back, to me, but things were different. We were more distant, colder, sadder. Until that moment. That moment.
So things turned out bad. I remember hoping they would return.
“I know where they keep their needles. Feel like getting some?”

Did he actually ask me to do drugs?

“I don’t know dude, I don’t think that’s a good idea? Doing drugs has never been my thing.”

“You’re letting me down again? Come on dude, this one time, do something for me. Please.”

Love is conflict. It’s doing things you don’t like because someone else does. He taught me that.

It happened in a flash, a fleeting moment. The light coming from my alarm indicated it was two in the morning, and we got up. Whispering, giggling, like little children doing something they shouldn’t be doing. Honestly, was there any difference?
Dark hallways, locked doors. A cabinet, small and seemingly red – the dim light that lingered throughout the building wasn’t nearly enough to see everything clearly – appeared, and we stopped.

“We’re here, take it.”

And I did.
So it got serious...
There were colours, and people. I think? Music, loudly. People screaming. Flashing lights, but nothing I could distinguish. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think. As if some thick fog had taken a hold of me, I was blinded. What was time? Does “how long” really exist? It was all but moments, moment after moment, overwhelming all of my senses at once, and none at all.
I like this to be honest. Lots of confusion, but feels like it better describes the emotive part and the rollercoaster the main character is going through while using actual mundane things.
Hazel eyes stared into my soul, full of hatred. Furious. Betrayed.

“Have you seen him again since last time?”

I shook my head.

“No. He’s left me alone”, I lied.

“Good.”
Damn this ending was a punch.

Spoiler: Mina's "The Golden Place"
In order to make it fair, I decided to first read Mina trying to not be analytical on anything. Then I'll note down what I think about technical things and particular paragraphs that got me. By the looks, I don't think the story will disappoint me.
Simon was a good boy. Mother gave him rules, and he always followed them.

The first rule was to stay away from the golden place.
Liked how the opening defined where the story should go.
Little boys shouldn't go up there, said Mother. It's dangerous.
And this is the conflict. Really reminds me of K.O.L.M.
Mother said if someone found him, something terrible would happen.
Werewolf story?
Snacks were fine anywhere. Mother brought him things called apples and strawberries, cucumbers and carrots, and they would eat those together. Sometimes, when Simon was very good, she brought him treats. Simon's favourite treat was cakes. Those were so yummy. It all came from the golden place. Simon wished he could go and get cakes whenever he wanted from the golden place too. But the ladder always came and went with Mother. Besides, only bad boys went there. And Simon was good.
Good bonding.
And he would start chewing on the bars, or on his arms and legs until water the colour of strawberries came out.
Damn, that got dark.
So Simon stayed a good boy for a long time. He was so good that sometimes he got sad. Because he was all alone, and he had no one to play with. There was only just enough room for him to lie down. He spent all day walking back and forth, back and forth, or kicking the wall over and over again, or crying. And it was cold, so so so cold.
Damn, being seen as a monster must suck.
Then one day he heard noises.
Glad something started happening.
Then something magical happened. Up above opened, and then a monster looked down at him.
This is confusing...
said the voice who wasn't Mother.
Interesting choice.
The person wrapped its arm around Simon. And it smelled so juicy, so sweet and fresh, that Simon couldn't help it, Simon smiled.
Oh no...
And then it pounced, sinking its teeth into its prey, time to bite and rip the flesh and tear it to shreds, hear the crack of bones and taste the meat and suck the juicy blood and feed--
Could've been more climatic.
Mother said, When you were born, you were the loveliest baby I ever saw. Such perfect white teeth and beautiful green eyes. And so well behaved, too. You slept soundly through the night. You never needed much milk, either. We found the rats, but I thought they were because of that cat, until it was the cat next. And then your father and I were scared, so scared. But we couldn't believe it. We didn't believe it until one day it was your brother.
Yep, he's a monster. Got it.
Are you going to punish me, Mother, he asked.

Yes, said Mother. I'm sorry, Simon, but there's no other way. So Mother pulled out the needle, and also forceps.

When it was over, Simon had no more teeth, and everything hurt so much that he started to cry. Simon asked, Mother, do you hate me?

Of course not, said Mother. People tried to take you away from me, after what happened to your brother. People wanted to hurt you so bad that you wouldn't wake up again. But it's not your fault. You didn't put the monster in you. I know that you're a good boy. Whenever you smile at me, I see it.

Simon said, Mother, it hurts.

I know, Simon. It won't be so bad, you'll see. I'll mash your food up for you. It won't fill you up the same, when it's not moving. But there's no choice. But please be good, Simon. You have to be good. Otherwise I can't keep protecting you.

Simon asked, Mother, do you love me?

Mother said, Simon, I love you so much that I would die for you. One day I will die for you, and I don't even care.
Man, probably a horrible (opposite to happy) ending to be.

Spoiler: Overview
Ugh, I think this review wasn't as good as the first I have done. I'll try to get it done with feedbacks, but maybe I don't have too much to say.

Both stories really fit the theme, although it wasn't clearly the underground. The boy from "Moments" really seemed to come from something as poor as the underground, at least to the MC, and so resembled a child from underground. Simon, on the other hand, I suppose lived at something like the underground and was unable to see the world.

Both stories were emotive. I liked Zaph's because it didn't use supernatural elements, but rather just played with a girl's emotions on her unstable love phase. Kinda liked Mina's too because it really remembered me about K.O.L.M. game (can be played here if you want), both of them seems to tell the story about an overly protective mother and her freak son.

I think what Zaph's story had that Mina's lacked are two things.

The first one involves the description. In "Moments" I could easily get a grasp of where the characters were and who were they. I could tell the boy from the MC's dreams had brown hair and hazel eyes while at the same time I knew they were in the metro. Then I could also easily picture the psychiatry the MC was sent in and the fences she used to communicate with the boy. While in "The Golden Place" I could barely tell where they were: was it a circus? Was it near a golden gate? I couldn't even tell what the characters were: were they humans? What monster was the boy?

The other thing is that "Moments" seemed to have more fluidity and dinamicity. The opening caught my attention and defined what the story was somewhat about, then it got straight to the point the MC met the boy and the paragraphs already told where they were and what was happening. The story soon got to the conflict of the MC being sent to the orphanage and later breaking the boy's heart, just to then find out he wasn't real. It didn't seem to stagnate at any part. In "The Golden Place", despite understanding why it had to all happen in one place, it sorta felt stagnating. There was a bunch of lore and the conflict took a bit too long to start.

I still see potential for "The Golden Place", but I think the characters and place should be better defined. Are they human? If not, please, describe them briefly. It'd be really interesting to see different but harmless nonhuman creatures with Simon being the odd one. Other question is: Where are they? I think the room could be better described and there had space to give an idea of what Simon's room was like and where the mother would stand.

The other thing that could be changed is to show instead of tell. In the story, Simon kept telling himself what were the rules and everything his mother gave him. Maybe one way to make that more engaging is to have Simon get close to breaking the rule, use the moment to briefly describe the place and then have the mother suddenly return home and reinforce the rule. As for Simon's eating habits, you could build him a false expectancy of something delicious upon his mother's arrival until he sees his food is something moving. Those two things could help get to the conflict quicker.

The conflict should get the more attention. Kylie and her mother is bringing Simon to a place he has never been, right? What is Simon seeing? What is he feeling? And when he would inevitably attack them, it would be great to hear a scream like "Monster!". I found the ending fine and I don't know what I would change here.

As for "Moments", I don't know what I would change. It seems to fit the most as a short story and it feels very real.
So, I have decided to declare Zaphkael the winner
.

I know Mina probably rushed to get the story done, but now there should be more time to turn it more real. Show, not tell, the introduction. Briefly give a physical description of the characters and the place where it fits the better. Quickly introduce the main conflict. Make it seem more memorable (especially when they're attacked). I hope it helps.
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Post Post #253 (isolation #43) » Sat May 30, 2020 5:38 pm

Post by Creature »

Still am hella worried about a work worth 50% of the grade that's due June 2th, but after that I should be free to write a quick 2k- words story.
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Post Post #256 (isolation #44) » Thu Oct 15, 2020 4:36 pm

Post by Creature »

In post 251, Zaphkael wrote:
"A coin."

2000 words, two weeks!
I know it's late, but it has been a long time since I ever actually finished writing something:

Spoiler: Where the Heart Belongs, 1839 words
Fifteen years ago, a soon-to-be-a-man buried a coin. But it was no usual place.

He, alongside his father, crossed long miles away from any civilization to the mountain of Azpark. There, they went through hardship and multiple cold sicknesses to climb the most dangerous mountain in the kingdom of Ethalia. Eventually, they did it. However, in the middle of their descending, the father was so sick it was unlikely he would ever come out of it alive. The son promised to bury a coin wherever his father last breathed. Before he died, he told his son one day, when the people would most need, he should fetch back the coin. Then the father died and in the same place the son buried the coin.

Fifteen years later, a terrible famine would plague the kingdom of Ethalia. In a terrible combination of events, all of the wheat, corn, and potato stock has drastically decreased. Even more noble fruits from fruit trees were affected by the new wave of bad climate enough that the royal family kicked their duchesses to make up for their lack. Within the lower part of its citizens, the situation was way out of control. All of the vendors have disappeared from the streets as the streets itself were crowded by people, most of them sick, waiting for a generous soul to aid them, even though none of them did.

A man who only goes by the name of Patel had just arrived in time to present an intense fight between a couple of citizens. It seemed one of them was dumb enough to bring a small but not subtle sack of corn. Soon enough, the whole sack was ripped off and corns scattered all around the dirty floor while people stacked to grab any of the seeds.

Patel, on the other hand, had other ambitious plans: to escape the city. The guards were positioned to prevent any exodus, but once in a while, they’d let a group of farmers get into the city and be escorted to the warehouse. Sneaking in between them was easy and soon Patel found himself being escorted out of the city alongside the farmers.

The village the farmers have come from was one of the few that was still productive. Yet there was still a general apathy between the villagers being the ones dutied to feed the entire Ethalia. One of these farmers could barely feed their donkeys. That’s when Patel came with an odd request: to travel away from the kingdom with his starving donkey. The farmer was astonished. Even still, he knew he had to get rid of the donkey eventually.

While the inside was plagued by the famine, the outside was no safe place. Many of the most daring were later reported to be missing to be never seen. There was only one road straight to the Azpark mountain yet dreaded beasts were towering over men. So far there only was one safe time to cross the road to Azpark. It took Patel way longer to cross the road by taking the safe route. When it was unsafe to go, he would hide his donkey somewhere too small for monsters to go while also hunting mostly insects.

The Azpark mountain towered over the horizon as would a dark and larger sun. The land began to tilt upward and soon Patel was forced to leave the donkey behind. There was no more he could do so he just freed the animal to try its luck in the forest. The man, meanwhile, continued to follow the upward path between the scarcer trees. Eventually, there were no more trees and Patel found himself using his hands more often. The air became scarcer, his stamina became scarcer. He was frequently stopping in his tracks and trying to not fall a long way down despite his precarious health. He had to reach the other side. However, before he could, he blacked out right somewhere close to the top.

Patel woke up to what seemed a hut made of straws and leaves. Near his bed was what seemed a small tree stump. However, its two black holes seemed to stare at him. The stump thing was grey and had twigs over its head. When Patel tried to move, the thing stopped him and forced the man to go back to his bed of leaves.

“I have to leave,” Said the man.

“What do you seek here?” The stump spoke despite not having a mouth.

“I seek the coin, the coin I buried here long ago,” Answered Patel.

The old stump wouldn’t let Patel go out, but the latter waited the moment the stump went out of the hut to get himself out of the bed and walk out. As he walked out, he was glimpsed to the view of large thin trees with robust green crowns covering their top. If he couldn’t see the Azpark and its other mountains surrounding the land he would think he was back in the forest. Nonetheless, as he crossed the forest, not even the forest had such beautiful imagery of the water and grass disputing the land. Not even the outer forest had such small and cheerful birds since the beasts started roaming it. And not once Patel ever heard about small walking tree stumps playing cheerfully like children would before the famine.

The man sought the spot he buried the coin. It was harder to find out because he only remembered the place being nothing but rocks and infertile soil as opposed to the new flora it grew. He could still remember a few details from fifteen years ago. There was a pointy vertical rock slightly inclined towards the north. There were three slopes of land to take. Not too far was a small cave in between three rocks, only a little under the earth. That’s where Patel hid the coin. That was also where his father died.

Without a shovel, he began to dig with his fingers as the image of his father formed there like the pile of dirt from his digging. As he dug, one of the stump things showed up, a small childlike stump. Then another slightly, and another even larger. Until there was a whole crowd of them, all bearing the expression a man would show upon seeing his daughter under attack. That’s when Patel realized they weren’t there to watch him pacifically. In fact, two of the largest stumps approached the man. The visitor grabbed a rock twice his hand and maced it against the eye of the first, but it seemed unaffected. With their twigs, the two stumps quickly overpowered him. Patel thought it was his end, but then he heard:
“Father?”

It was one of the younger stumps, but more of them followed. Fifteen years ago, a sorrowed son buried the coin and since then life flourished on an otherwise dead land. Among the new life was the stump folk. A folk just like Patel’s. Fifteen years later their father has returned.

The stump folk brought the new visitor to what seemed to be the center of their villager. Patel could see many of them. There were the small childlike stumps of a light green color with eyes wide open in curiosity. Then there were large brave-looking stumps of a strong brown color who seemed to revere him. There were also thinner and elegant-seemingly stumps of a lighter brown color who wanted to serve him. Finally there were weaker and older but experienced stumps of a grey color displaying their faith.

On his days there, there would be parties and glories. The longer he stayed, the more he pondered about his life in the kingdom. What would happen if he returned? Would he be given any glory? Or just have any statue in his tribute like any minor hero, probably scrawny looking, only to be taken off a few years later by the hero purists? He did so much for the kingdom but never received anything in return. What would he accomplish saving the kingdom now? For the first time in his life, Patel felt being given importance.

On the other hand, the stump folk aged quickly and a couple of days were enough to start and finish a stump life cycle. In one of these, Patel was curious about a single stump. Ever since he first met it when it was a child, the thing kept bringing him memories about his life in the kingdom. The thing grew old, its color went from light green to grey and its crust started to peel, but it still followed Patel.

“What do you want?” The man finally asked, “I’m finally being treated as someone important here by your folk. No way I’ll ever return to Ethalia just to be forgotten!”

“I understand what you’re thinking of,” The stump responded, “Your father used to be seen as someone important in Ethalia. He also never once considered fleeing from Ethalia. But then you were born. And suddenly his need to be put in the pedestal was no longer seem as important.”

“Who are you to speak so loud about my father?” Patel retorted.

One of the hardest phenomena to explain is a man’s sudden change of heart. At first, someone could be convinced they found their little illusory place to live for the rest of their life foreign to the rest of the world. Then suddenly they would turn everything off that little paradise into dust. That’s what happened when Patel was given a hand-crafted shovel from the odd stump, when he went all the way back to where his father last laid, throwing piles of dirt in the air while many scared eyes watched him in despair. By the time he got the coin by his hand, everything has turned into dust. The land now seemed the same when he was first there.

The kingdom quickly recovered from the famine with the harvest of the wheat, corn, and potato from all sides of Ethalia. Soon Ethalia received back the title of the wonderful land with bright green trees and grasses flourishing, birds of various colors coming back to sing again, and there to grow many boys like Patel was: happy and adventurous. It was like the piece of paradise was brought back and spread through all the lands. The sacrifice of one valley to a kingdom.

Patel never got the fame and never desired to do so. He’d rather not be known for taking away a land. Even after many years have passed, Patel still couldn’t forget about the place where he buried the coin. What would have been different if he wasn’t dissuaded so easily? Perhaps the stump folk would still be alive and happy. He’d live away from the cruelties of his people and would help raise a small but cheerful place that’s now all gone. He was pretty decided to just live there with the stump folk.

Until one of the stumps presented itself as his long-gone father.
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Post Post #257 (isolation #45) » Wed Oct 21, 2020 4:09 am

Post by Creature »

In post 217, Creature wrote:
The Prompt:

"A man's or woman's best friend."
2500 words.
Sorry, didn't have time to cut out some words even though I could:

Spoiler: Snowberry, 2787 words
There were two strange presences in the supermarket. They have slipped past Ace’s cameras and the boy only realized it when he heard them. They seemed to have been a young man and a young woman. One of them pushed a shopping cart while the other attacked the freezer. Just like any other cannibal, they seemed desperate for any kind of food, be it flesh or industrial. The boy was cringed at how the figures were lousy when one of them dropped the cart and then shouted at each other, but he wouldn’t fool himself, the cannibals could shout barely comprehensible words sometimes.

Ace planned to silently back away and wait for the figures to be gone. However, to his dismay, he stepped on an empty bag of chips. The young man quickly pulled a laser gun and shouted:

“Who is there?”

Just as he turned the corner to face Ace, a heavily armored dog charged against him and threw the man over fifty meters away.
The young woman was quick to check what was going happen and when she did she saw what seemed to be a medium-sized white dog. However, the dog was part metal, going from half its face to its neck and its front paws. The dog shifted its head to the poor woman as its metal eye glowed red.

“Please, don’t!” And the woman began crying at the imminent danger.

Ace called Snowberry to stop. It was clear the woman was in fear and the infected couldn’t display that emotion. It was possible she could be faking it, but, at the moment, his sparse sense of humanity prevailed.

There once lived a boy when humanity was at its peak of technology. What was once deemed unimaginable was the new normal. Flying cars? Check. The world entirely powered by solar energy? Check. Computer operating by the movement of a human eye? Check. And like any other boy his age Ace dreamed to be an inventor. The problem is that it was hard to create anything entirely new and the only few people who bothered to try anything new were either of the upper class or were part of the underground club. There was no way Ace would ever get to the upper class and the underground club was said to be for society outcast freaks.

“So you were part of the underground club?” Exclaimed the man.

The young couple, who the boy learned they were Kenny and Jess, was quite obnoxious. Ace was surprised they survived that long in full-fledged apocalypse.

“I don’t want to talk about it” That was his only answer.

Being part of the underground club wasn’t so easy. The club had such negative light that talking about joining it seemed a blasphemy. To join the club, Ace had to not only flee from his parents in the middle of the night and roam the large streets of many supercities in hunger but he also had to clear his own name from history. The underground club was incredibly difficult to find if you couldn’t develop your own system to find them and even then there was the chance of them rejecting you if they deemed you unable, meaning you’d have sacrificed your old life for nothing. Usually, the only chance to enter the underground club was through one of the older members choosing to mentor you.

“Look. I don’t know how the two of you have made it so far into the city and I don’t believe you will escape from it” Said Ace, “But I can offer you help to flee the city unnoticed.”

Kenny and Jess were quick to agree to his proposal. Ace could see in their face they were naive about the apocalypse.

“But you two will have to shut up”

Unknown to most innocent people, there was an underground system in most buildings leading to different parts of the city. They were mostly used for shipping although even shipping didn’t use the underground system as much. However, it helped the three to cross a part of the city unnoticed with Snowberry sniffing for any possible presence.

Eventually, they found the end of the tunnel and were forced to leave to the surface. Ace stopped the two and sent Snowberry to go first. The white dog sprinted to outside and soon they could hear inaudible words and groans from the infected. There was the unmistakable sound of shooting and Snowberry quickly returned with the blood of its victims.

“Let’s go!” Ace said as the three pushed their way into the next building.

As soon as they got in, Ace locked the door. They decided to stay there while the boy checked the city through the drone he carried within. To his annoyance, the couple watched his moves tirelessly.

“Where will you go after we escape the city?” Asked Jess.

“I will return to the underground” Answered the boy.

Ace made it clear he didn’t want to be questioned further on that subject. The drone quickly returned and the boy sketched a plan on the table. They could safely cross multiple streets if they stayed low and then they’d have to take the alleys to avoid crowded streets until they reached the bridge.

Snowberry led the group on the watch for any dangers. The boy commanded the dog to kill any enemy on spot, not wanting to take any chances with random passersby. There were a couple of scares in their trajectory, most of them were dealt with by the cyborg dog, but some had to be dealt with by the young man’s hands. They soon crossed the alleys and were close to the bridge. Snowberry began to shoot a group of infected and at that moment Ace realized they were being outnumbered.

“Here!” Kenny shouted.

Without any other choice, the boy ordered Snowberry to take the defensive mode as they ran down the streets while more infected came from the buildings. They crossed alleys, jumped barriers, all while the dog shot the infected from behind until they came across the bridge.

“So what’s your plan?” Asked Kenny.

“Resist” Answered Ace.

In fact, the infected came only from one side and they couldn’t sneak from behind, so the three along the cyborg dog attacked the horde of infected. Kenny and Jess began to shoot, but Snowberry automatically shot them with an incredible precision all the while the closest infected would be barred by its invisible shield.

Suddenly, one of them came from behind and grabbed Jess, causing her to trip and cry in pain. Kenny quickly grabbed a bar from the ground and hit the infected relentlessly until it stopped moving. When he looked up, he realized they were coming from both sides of the bridge.

“Ace, we have a problem!” He shouted.

Suddenly, an all familiar sound of moving engines echoed from the other side of the bridge. The large amount of infected there was soon down to its shots.

“Get down!”

All three of them launched themselves into the ground as the shooting crossed past them to hit the horde from the other side. The dog still attacked while its shield protected it from the shooting, but then the boy ordered it to stop and stay together. Soon, all of the infected were down, dead, or paralyzed.

The engine opened and from there stepped out five soldiers, among them was a man in his thirties in an armored uniform.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here?”

Before the apocalypse started, Ace was only a boy roaming the streets looking for any scrape of metal and copper to make anything that wasn’t an ancient course’s project. All he could do was connect those parts in a cloth doll. Even when he found the underground club, endless straight lines of blue lights connecting long hallways of rooms, he was only met with rejection and the same three words would echo:

“Go home, kid”

Without anywhere to go and the underground club miles away, Ace spent another couple of months adapting old objects with new features, but they were barely any original. He was still able to attract the attention of what seemed to be a homeless old man. Though, he’d soon learn that man was a long veteran from the underground club.

“I see potential in you,” Said the leader of the group that just rescued Ace and the young couple. “My group can safely accompany you to the underground club.”

Ace straight out refused, with the knowledge that the underground club was repelled from larger groups, and also with the addition, the boy didn’t trust the man standing ahead of him. The man was clearly disappointed but stated he understood.

The group was housed at a skyscraper but they stayed on the ground floor while blocking the upper floors beside the entrance door. Kenny was among the scrawnier looking members dutied to push large furniture and block the doors. At one of the free rooms, Ace saw Jess bolting a small round drone.

“Were you always part of this group?” The boy asked.

She nodded with the face of someone who knew what this group was about. In fact, the more Ace stayed with the group, the more he felt he had no place there at all. As the days went through, he observed there was a hierarchy system in the group, with the strongest being said to protect the group and be also given the most resources, while the weakest having to serve the former while also being given the fewer resources. The leader of the group still tried to talk the boy into leading them to the underground club while Ace avoided hinting anything.

Through the days, Ace accumulated pieces of metal and copper, some by himself, some being given as if the group would expect him to return the favor. As he planned his next project, he re-remembered that old veteran man who gave him a shot. Being the outcast of the own club of outcasts, the elderly was known for taking the most bizarre decisions out of all underground veterans. He was still quite frank to his soon to be mentee when he told him his inventions alone weren’t extraordinary, but he added more and more people would become dependent on each other. If one of them ever were to fall, the rest would fall together.

“You, on the other hand, can adapt yourself in unimaginable ways.”

That was the mentality his mentor adopted with him. They weren’t building extraordinary colossal machines or wonders of technology, but they were able to make a lot of so little until the days the virus spread all around the globe.

Somewhere between midnight and dawn, the boy finished the final adjustments at the mechanical engine covering Snowberry. He stepped back and initiated the order. The metal plate covering the neck and chest of the dog opened up into two small plane-like wings. Ace couldn’t hide his excitement as he grabbed his friend’s back.

“Fly” He ordered.

At the same time, the dog took out and brought the boy towards the sky. Ace looked down to see the many buildings of fifty or hundred floors towering over the city that looked more amazing than any scale model could ever represent it. For the first time, he could feel why that old veteran underground member chose to mentor him just like he could feel the wind run against his face.
He commanded the dog to land at the top of a building. Not just any building, but it seemed to have been an old cableway that could lead him to outside the city the safest possible. He could have fled from the city at this moment, but something held him behind: Kenny and Jess. The two seemed naive, but Ace couldn’t just leave them behind with that shit of a group. After all, his mentor taught him that sometimes humanity was worth it.

“We will have to go back one more time,” He told his long companion.

The two flew back to the building the group was located. He quickly found Kenny and told the young man they’d escape. Kenny was in disbelief they could ever escape the group.

“I know one way out,” Said the boy.

Waiting for the right moment, the young couple met the boy somewhere away from the rest of the group. Ace was standing alongside Snowberry, who had its wings active and ready. The dog could only carry one at a time and they decided Jess would go first. As they waited for the dog’s return, they could hear the voices of the group looking for them. As the dog was seen returning in the sky, Kenny said:

“You have to go”

“No, you go first. I will distract them long enough”

“You sure?”

The boy left no place to question. As soon Snowberry took off with Kenny, he hid behind the shelves as a couple of soldiers entered the room. Ace could hear them muttering about hearing voices and he quickly slipped to the next room, which unfortunately had no other exit. The soldiers would soon join the room, but then one shelf in the previous room collapsed just as the boy planned. In the distraction of the soldiers, Ace was quick to run through the door the soldiers came in.

“Hey!”

But the boy was far away and already crawled his way through the blockage to find himself outside. A few infected were there and took notice of him, but just in time, Snowberry returned to take away Ace. He still saw the soldiers rushing out from the building.

With the help of the cableway, the three were able to reach the border of the city. It wasn’t easy to cross the border, on the other hand. All Ace remembered about city borders were endless flashing lights apparently designed to lead the traffic of the flying cars as that was the only way for them to cross the shield. Ace again put Snowberry into the foreplay. Just as the dog finished off a group of stray infected, one shot echoed past them and dropped way too close to the dog, despite its shield being on.

“I’ll make the terms clear,” The leader casually said, “The boy will work for me, under constant surveillance,” He added sharply, “The two of you are dead.”

With one simple mutter, Ace ordered Snowberry to attack the group. The boy only looked down while his friend charged against the soldiers bringing them down at a phantasmagorical speed and ripping their neck. All the while, however, the dog was taking shots that left nasty black scars over its white fur.

Not too long after the virus reached a global scale and not too long after seeing his mentor’s death, Ace was frozen in fear of the magnitude of the fall humanity has taken. Somewhere away from the city’s core, somewhere that barely could be considered safe, the boy sat on the concrete and stared at the sunset knowing the end was near. In between the cardboards, he saw what seemed a small white dog.

Snowberry, as he would name the dog, was still a fragile creature, but it kept Ace’s will to live. At least to a certain point. It wouldn’t be long until the infected would finally grab hold of the dog. Ace’s more prudent action would be to just leave it behind, but he instead risked his life fighting the infected. When he approached the dog, it was clearly up to no good. Most of its neck and chest was done for and it was a miracle it was still alive. Pretty much all of its circulatory system was gone around that area. The boy couldn’t believe he would manage to save the dog at the time.

The battle between Kenny, Jess, and Ace against their former group would soon be done. With a clean shot, Kenny would soon bring down its tyranny. By that point, all of the soldiers who were willing to fight were gone and the few remaining decided to back down. They quickly agreed to not meet again and took their own ways.

But Snowberry wasn’t so lucky. It took a bunch of shots before going down and when it did most of its metal plates were gone and its chest was exposed again. As Ace grabbed the dog in his lap, he could see its small artificial heart still beating while sending electrical waves to the wires that would connect to the rest of its body. Snowberry licked its friend one last time before the boy would say his last order:

“Stop.”

And its artificial heart stopped beating.
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