As night falls on El Hacienda Nuestra Señora de la Virgen Santa Que Tiene Gust de Aparecer en Tostada del Desayuno, the worn out, smelly tourists head back to the bunk house after a long day of trying to learn how to ride and baking in the hot sun while the crazy proprietress mumbled to herself in some incomprehensible prattle and refused to serve them anything but bacon and baked beans for lunch or dinner. Exhausted, smelling of horse manure and sweat, and wishing the crazy cow lazy would share her potent hell brew (they assumed it was some sort of whiskey strong enough to be used as embalming fluid), most were just about ready to hit the hay (yes, literally hay...this crazy dude ranch did not have mattresses...just straw...), one of them, a rather oddly dressed and out of place fellow,
The Fonz
, suggested they try their own hand at vigilante justice by shooting each other. Whether his horrible taste in leather made him suicidal or he thought his helmet of hair gel would make him immune from flying bullets, he supposed the only way to avenge poor Bobby Ray's murder was to just have everybody shoot each other and hope the Italians would be too busy arguing mafia honor to respond fast enough. Why the rest of them thought this was a good idea, this humble narrator cannot say, but the greenhorns decided to pair off and give it a go, expecting, by some sort of miracle, to be able to hit something sizably harder than the broad side of a barn.
Starkmoon
and
ClockworkRuse
decided to go first, perhaps thinking if they got it over with and happened to miss, some merciful soul would come by and put them out of their misery.
Starkmoon
let loose with a fatal shot to
ClockworkRuse's
spleen from the rusty old Colt that Lulu Mae had lent her, while
ClockworkRuse
returned fire with his borrowed Glock, hitting her in the left nostril. Both, poor, misguided tourists, fell over dead.
Farside22
, who had always wanted to be Annie Oakley ever since she was a little boy, decided to go next, setting the sights of her Mauser rifle on
Crazy
, an 80's era Weird Al-look-a-like certainly living up to his name in more ways than one, while he trained his antique Browning pistol in her general direction. Of course
Farside22
couldn't hit an elephant even if it was standing right in front of her, 2 feet away from the muzzle of her gun, but luckily her ill-directed shot blew out the overhead light fixture and the falling shards of glass sunk their way deep into
Crazy's
oddly-shaped skull, ending his life prematurely, but not before he trained his tommy gun (why they even bothered giving him a tommy gun with one bullet, is beyond this humble story teller...something must have been not quiet right in those Texan minds...what a tommy gun was doing on a dude ranch is another issue entirely...I personally would just rather not know...) in
Farside22's
general direction and somehow managed to hit her in the jugular, squirting blood everywhere. Lulu Mae was definitely not up for the task of getting blood out of the kitschy drapes. Sadly, two more tourists were dead...the travel agency was not going to like this...
Light-kun
and
Iron Man
stepped up to the plate next, these boys a little too eager to play cowboy.
Iron Man
trained his bazooka in
Light-kun's
general direction and let the missile fly...so this is what those crazy Texans meant by "one bullet." Ducking out of the way to avoid the main blast but getting trapped under body-crashing rubble,
Light-kun
had just enough time to let a shot fly out from his authentically Amazonian blow gun, hitting
Iron Man
square in the buttocks with a deadly dart. Alas, more dead tourists.
With just six misguided city folk left,
The Fonz, Ashmite84,
and
Linehouse
turned to each other, each flashing the international Elks Lodge "help, help, I'm about to be shot by crazy Italians craving cannolis" sign. Before the mobsters had a chance to roll their dice or scry in a bowl of spaghetti, or however else Italian mobsters decide their hits, our three
intrepid
absolutely insane tourists came at them.
The Fonz
fired first, shooting his widow's companion at
Sun Tzu
. Since a direct hit did no damage what-so-ever,
The Fonz
pulled out a lighter and his back-up can of hairspray, and set the unsuspecting mobster on fire.
Sun Tzu
proceeded to run around flailing and screaming like a little girl until he eventually succumbed to death by smoke inhalation.
Linehouse
struck next, aiming his slingshot in
Somestraneflea's
general direction, and letting loose with a shot right to the groin. Stumbling around in pain,
Somestrangeflea
fell into the wheat thrasher and was heard of no more. Alas, it is a shame the mob hadn't thought of that one.
Ashmite84
, the last of the Elks, lifted his peashooter, and let it rip, sending
Tom
flying backwards into a large pile of cow manure (yes, this was in the barracks...). Sadly,
Tom
was deathly allergic to cows (why he agreed to stay on a dude ranch is beyond me...) and died instantly from anaphylactic shock. And that was that. The three mafiosos had been killed, and Bobby Ray had been avenged, but at what cost?
Miz Mirth says: "Well ah hope y'all city folk are proud of yourselves, now Lulu Mae and ah got to clean up the whole ranch! Why couldn't y'all avenge Bobby Ray's murder like normal people and string the Eyetalians up to a tree? Y'all better be payin' for all the property damage y'all caused!"
I shall be informing Thesp and the other Powers That Be that this set up needs work.