Formerfish's Advice Column

[Formerfish]

I have been listening to a lot of advice podcasts lately and feel like maybe I can fill that role here among us scummers.

You can PM me any situation you are looking to get advice on, and I will do my best to give you solid advice to follow or at least to weigh in on your decision making process.

If you want to remain anonymous you can let me know that and just sign with a pseudonym.

I will try to treat this as seriously as possible, just curious to see if this goes anywhere.

I look forward to hearing from you all, or no one and this thread dies!

[Formerfish]

What is the best way to prepare a 25-pound turkey in the microwave? Asking for a friend.

It's not recommended but it can be done. If it's your only method of cooking available check this out:
Seriously any other method is better than this.

[Formerfish]

Dear Formerfish,

My employer just announced this morning that we may wear costumes to work tomorrow. What's a good costume I can throw together with just things I can easily pick up on my way home tonight?

If you have a black suit at home you could pick up a pair of dark sunglasses and go as one of the MiB.

If you're wanting something a little different you could stop at a home improvement store on the way home and get a bunch of drab paint swatches and go as 50 Shades of Grey.

Or throw on some suspenders, wrap some tape around the bridge of some old glasses, slap a pocket protector in your shirt pocket and find your favorite calculator and go as a classic nerd.

[Formerfish]

How do I justify not wearing a Halloween costume at all to others without sounding like the square that I am

You could go a few different ways with this, depends on how strong your moral compass is.

First you could just mess with people and tell them that you did dress up and that you thought that of all people the person you were talking to would get what costume you wore. Then just act indignant that no one guessed what you were.

A novel solution is just being honest, direct but short with people. When they ask just let them know that you don't celebrate Halloween.

If people press you on why and you don't feel like explaining it to them just tell them you are a Jehovah's Witness and ask about their relationship with your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

[Formerfish]

I was always a mask kinda guy as a kid.

I have had fun helping my daughter dress up though. She's going as a witch from Harry Potter this year and is bang on. I'll post pics here.

Edit: This is from her school parade

[Formerfish]

That's Christmas Eve day.

Thanksgiving is an American holiday in late November where we celebrate the invasion of America and subjugation of the native people while trivializing the meeting of our people's with cartoon turkeys and giant balloons.

Is this a common issue?

[Formerfish]

How do i stop my hair from getting in my face without using gel

I've tried combing it enough to kill an elephant but it still gets in my face after an hour or two

If you aren't opposed to the use of all products in your hair you could try a pomade. They are lighter and allow more movement, but still gives you some hold.

If you're looking for no product being used then you are looking at a haircut, or maybe if your hair is long enough you could use hair ties or bobby pins to keep your hair where you'd like.

[Formerfish]

Yes. There's plenty of people that associate turkeys with Christmas Eve for some reason.
They also think that Halloween is a typical American holiday and it originated there. It originated somewhere in Europe, didn't it? What do I say to them without sounding too sophisticated or having looked it up?

Halloween was, I believe, a Pagan holiday, All Hallows Eve. At some point it was appropriated by the candy companies to improve sales during the preholiday part of the year.

[Formerfish]

What's the best compliment you can give to a person when you can't think of anything to compliment them with?

The best compliment is a heartfelt and honest one. We all have good things about us, we just don't always take the time to find them. Take the time to find out what people are proud of doing and talk about that if you don't have anything on deck at the time.

[Formerfish]

Formerfish

My wife's birthday is coming up and I'm late, as usual, in getting her a B-day gift.
What should I get her this time?

PS: This is urgent.

Thanks

If nothing jumps out at you as something she has been looking at and wanting for awhile,I would avoid just buying things for her.

If you have nothing standing out like a neon sign, I would suggest taking some of the responsibilities that are normally hers onto you. I don't know how you guys separate the household duties, but maybe a few extra chores on your plate being done in secret. Then make her favorite meal for dinner, open a nice bottle of wine, put your phone in your bedroom on silent and celebrate your wife being in the world and able to be with you at dinner.

[Formerfish]

What kind of haircut should I go for tomorrow?

I would probably do the same thing you did last time, but maybe round the neck area instead of blocking it off.

[Formerfish]

How to be a 90s kid?

Be born in '82-'87. Or wear a lot of clunky items of clothing that are somehow all in different shades of neon, that also color changes to your body heat, while listening to your walkman which has a homemade tape from songs of the radio (but its missing the start of most songs because you weren't quick enough to press record) playing.

[Formerfish]

what should i do?

Read a book.

[Formerfish]

how does one get to be a former fish
i want that kind of mastery over my destiny

In high school I got the nickname seabass from a friend. I hated it, but it stuck. As a senior I embraced it and rebranded myself as The Bass. The nickname went away when I was in college but trying to come up with user names for things I started to use Formerfish as a nod to older days.

[Formerfish]

how do i sate my sweet tooth without just eating too much candy

Get an apple and cut it up and get rid of the core. Take peanut butter (or any other butter type, Nutella, or Cookie Butter from Trader Joe's) and some chocolate chips.

Mix the PB and CC in a bowl and then dips the apple slices into the mixture. Boom. Satiated.

[Formerfish]

Kick his ass sea bass!

My dad used to tell that during my wrestling matches...

[Formerfish]

ah so persival is your dad very interesting

Wait. Persival is dead?

[Formerfish]

How do I keep myself motivated throughout the day?

I'm probably not the best one to give advice on this topic since just today I googled "why can't I get out of bed?" while laying in bed at 3pm.

I didn't learn anything from that search other than go to a doctor.

[Formerfish]

How do I keep myself motivated throughout the day?

I'm probably not the best one to give advice on this topic since just today I googled "why can't I get out of bed?" while laying in bed at 3pm.

I didn't learn anything from that search other than go to a doctor.

How do I go to the doctor when I'm stuck in bed though?

Call a trucking company and a construction company. Have the construction company cut a hole in your roof, and lift the bed out with a crane and have them place you on a flatbed truck to take you to the hospital.

[Formerfish]

So a very good friend took me to the store for an emergency for class today. How can I show her my gratitude?

I'm assuming that you are looking for something more than just a thank you, correct?

If it were me I would take her out for ice cream one night, or try to figure out something she is into, like an author, musician or other media, and try to find something unusual for her as a small token of your appreciation. Still say thank you though always good manners.

[Formerfish]

how not to freak out when the site goes down again soon

Buy a bunch of bound notebooks, you are going to need a lot of them. I'm thinking at least 1 per thread and you'll need to start backing up all of the threads here in your notebooks. Having a physical copy of the site is the only way to avoid freaking out when the site isn't working.

Then if the site goes down, just pull out your notebook and keep playing like normal.

[Formerfish]

how not to freak out when the site goes down again soon

Buy a bunch of bound notebooks, you are going to need a lot of them. I'm thinking at least 1 per thread and you'll need to start backing up all of the threads here in your notebooks. Having a physical copy of the site is the only way to avoid freaking out when the site isn't working.

Then if the site goes down, just pull out your notebook and keep playing like normal.

If only this worked
That would be amazing

I kinda imagine one of the older school guys who disappeared started doing this and just slowly spiraled into insanity where they are constantly updating notebooks all day and behind them is shelves and shelves of notebooks that have been archived when the thread locks and no one can post anymore.

There are cross-references to the scum, mod, dead and any other pts to have complete records.

[Formerfish]

Any cures for laziness and a total lack of self-discipline?

Asking for a friend

Listen, I am right there with your friend. I am in a funk and I don't know how to get out of it. Right now I am underemployed as an IC for Amazon and don't have the motivation to work more than what I need to to pay my bills. I am on the verge of bankruptcy (which isn't a bad thing per se, it would help me a lot in my financial life since I am so fucked), and I'm feeling like shit because I can't even get a job as a seasonal worker at Target. As a result of all this I'm anxious and can't sleep at night, which means I'm exhausted and sleep most of the day when I'm not working which makes it so I see less and less of the sun which could be affecting me too.

I don't say all of this because I want a pity party. I say it because I think I'm at the point where I want to do something about it. I don't want to hate myself for sitting up all night binge watching Designated Survivor because I wish that was how our country was being run, or watching British Bake Show watching other people follow their dreams and do what they love to do.

So how do you get there? I think the answer is slowly, just like with exercise. You wouldn't decide to get off your couch one Sunday and run in a marathon, you would walk before you started to run. Changing any behavior follows the same model. If you make too many changes at once then you are dooming yourself to fail before you've even started. And knowing that these rules and ideas are never set in stone, they have to be mutable because that's what our lives are now.

So I have all these bad habits about my bedtime, mostly because I don't have one and because I don't have much responsibility there is a lot of mental moral gray area about when I should turn in. I think what I need to do is try to have a set time where I try to be in bed, like Midnight and then have an alarm set for 8am and don't hit snooze.

I know what you're saying right now too, how do I not hit snooze? I don't know, I haven't been there yet, but I think thinking about it is a good first step. Now I have to try it. Good luck to your friend.

[Formerfish]

What are your favorite really easy and cheap meals?

Give me a little more to go on. What kinda budget are you on, or what's a normal meal for you? Are you opening a can of beans and cooking a hot dog to chop up and eating a roll with it, or are you having a meat and 2 sides?

What kind of cooking set up are you running? Camp fire, exec kitchen, easy bake oven?

I can give a variety of you like, or I can narrow in on you and give more specific answers. I've been working in the restaurant industry since I was 14, and that was 22 years ago. I've worked in fast casual, niche, and corporate staples. I'm self taught for the most part having watched my mom and dad cook growing up and then dicking around at restaurants I've worked at until I got promoted to manager somehow. It's amazing how quickly you get sick of the menu food and start to make your own. I've been able to translate that into my home cooking and have been able to grow drastically.

I'm just getting back to the point where food is an interest of mine beyond being necessary to live. I've thought about doing a cook book, but haven't worked up the dedication to put that together yet.

Let me know where your head's at and we can figure this out.

[Formerfish]

Thanks, my friend expresses their deep and undying gratitude for your extremely sympathetic and thoughtful response.

They're welcome. I know that sometimes we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like when we feel that way the sight of a friend holding a flashlight is just as good in the short run. It gives you hope and you can lean on that friend while they show you the way out.

Half of that is letting someone know you're lost in the tunnel, which is the hardest thing to let anyone else in on. Once you take that step though, each one after gets easier to make than the last.

[Formerfish]

Here's one: Living in the dorms at college. Something quick, easy and tasty for $20?

Dorm room you are probably going to be limited, I know I was at least as a freshman. Microwave, mini fridge and a hotplate or maybe coffee maker (I would often use a coffee pot and run water through the process without any coffee to have hot water for ramen, cuponoodles and tea. The trick here is to use things as innovatively as possible to maximize output), long shot for a toaster oven.

Dorm cooking is hard because it's like when looking for quick, cheap and tasty you can only pick 2 of those adjectives. Quick and cheap has you looking at ramen and hot pockets or frozen burritos. Tasty and quick requires a bit more equipment than a typical dorm room is going to have. Tasty and cheap might take a little manipulation as well.

If it we for just me I would probably invest in some rolls, good cheese, and meats to do Italian sandwiches. Little dressing, a tomato some lettuce I like banana peppers and salt and pepper.

Trying to impress someone? Pasta, but toss the cooked pasta in olive oil, grated parm cheese, chopped basil and parsley a little red pepper flake and squeeze a lemon over the whole dish. Serve like that with some garlic bread and pair with a protein if you feel froggy.

[Formerfish]

Finding a cheap market, and also not having a TON of space (It's a mini fridge and freezer) so it does need to be something where I use anything that won't keep right then and there.
I'm also not very good yet and a suggestion on easier, but still more interesting than basics, would be good.

What area are you in? I could suggest some places I like near me, but if you aren't in the same place it'd be like speaking Greek.

Let me know that piece first and I can fold it into a bigger answer about the basics.

[Formerfish]

Working on you James. I found what I'd hoped to in a search, Aldi is your best bet for cheap food. They do a few things to cut down on cost. 1. Their carts require a quarter to be used. This makes sure that people bring the carts back, and no one has to go outside to get them all the time. 2. Almost all of the products are generic. 3. You pack your own bags, and they don't offer any for you, so bring your own.

All of those savings are passed along to you. I walk into my normal grocery store and will buy 25 items and spend $100. At Aldi you fill a cart, spend $80 and walk out feeling like a king.

I'll get to some basics to master and will help a bit with your menu building.

[Formerfish]

Shop at Aldi, check.
Just so you know I'm not a picky eater! I like just about everything. My favorite things to eat tend to be ethnic, but anything goes for me (as long as it's not extremely spicy -- a decent amount of heat is ok, but not over the top)

Cool cool. I'm the same way, now, but used to be super picky. I feel the same way about heat as well, I like it for flavor but when it overwhelms it becomes a distraction.

What are some things you are making right now? Basics are going to include pasta with proteins, proteins with 2 sides, stir-fries, Mexican in all forms, salads, sandwiches, and for me I throw in a lot of kids meals for when I have my daughter. Homemade pizza is a nice alternative to frozen and you can customize your ingredients from the sauce and cheese to your toppings, they will normally have large and small shells so you can have extra or make it twice in different ways.

I buy a lot of my spice mixes from the store, but have also made some. I suggest investing in a wide variety of Ms. Dash or similar. They liven up meals and are versetile which is the name of the game with eating for one. You want to limit you amount of orphan items, things that only have one purpose. If you do then you might end up eating the same thing over and over again or you end up wasting food. There's also a website that you can enter the food you have and it can tell you what you can do with it. When you are waiting on a payday and you need to eat dinner you become quite creative. Necessity is the mother of all inventions and all.

I have been eating a lot of more simple meals recently. One of the benefits of being medicated is that I have an appetite again and care about what I eat. Before it was a lot of frozen meals, now most of my meals are prepared by me. Not complex at all, but they usually have a few different moving parts in each meal.

[Formerfish]

This is an excellent thread, FF. Say a friend of mine, a very good friend — I see him pretty much every day, actually — is trying to temporarily leave mafiascum to do something with their life for a few weeks but then come back when they have time to play mafia and LSGs. What should my good friend do?

I say live your life in the real world when you can. We will be here or others will have taken our place but nothing will really change.

Are you worried about withdrawal, or relapsing?

[Formerfish]

Should I watch The Mandalorian?

I've heard good things.

[Formerfish]

Dear FF: any tips for being less sensitive? Asking . . . for a

different

friend.

Spoiler:

I don't think there is a way to be less sensitive, because you can't control the way you feel on that level. Things that make you bristle are always going to have the affect on you, what you can work on is how long you let it linger and how strongly it hits.

My daughter is 6 and has no filter. She doesn't say things to be mean, she just says things because in her mind and eyes they are true. Sometimes she will say things to my ex that hurts her feelings, and that's when I try to remind my ex that at 6 she doesn't understand why the things she said hurt, so we talked to her.

I think for me it comes down to a couple things:

1. Who is saying the thing? If they are someone who matters to me then I feel like I can speak with them about the issue. If they don't matter to me then their words hold the same weight.

2. Are they telling a hard truth? Sometimes we push back against someone being too honest with us. My daughter ran up to me the other day and shook my stomach and made a comment about how it jiggles now. That reinforced something I'd already noticed and I'm going to drink less soda as a way to combat it.

3. Why is this being said? Some people are just assholes and will say shit just to piss people off. I try to look at the motivation behind the statement to figure out how much stock to put into it.

Changing the way we react on a base level is difficult, but recognizing the signs that you are reacting that way and heading it off at the pass is something that you can do with practice. It takes knowing yourself well and being able to set aside the initial anger or outrage you feel and taking a second to examine the situation in it's entirety.

And if that fails, smoke some pot.

[Formerfish]

Yes, they sell bags, but if someone is concerned about prices and how much they'll spend even the extra buck or two in bags might be a daunting expense.

[Formerfish]

what are your favorite smoothie/milkshake recipies

I'm a pretty basic bitch when it comes to smoothies. Give me some berries, milk, ice, some fruit juice, maybe some protein powder or some ground flax seed.

I just got a ninja so I'm looking to branch out.

[Formerfish]

Milkshakes are easy. Milk, ice cream and thats it. Get a few good scoops, fill halfway up the ice cream with milk and blend until it has the consistency you like. If its too thick add a little more milk.