[CASUAL] January Movie Challenge

[Malkon05]

1) Final Destination 3 (2006)

I technically watched this on the 1st, but I'm reviewing it now since I just learned this was a thing. Honestly, FD3 really pushed the series in a way that hadn't been done before. It introduced the photo taking during the build up to the major death sequence and in the photos were clues as to how the people were going to systematically die. For me there was a little ambiguity in how the people died in comparison to the prior films. Unlike the very specific order in which people died, all people were in rows of 2 except for 2 people. Thus there were times where people died, and I was like, wait did they actually die first in the opening sequence or not? I'm a huge horror fan and while there were so many ways this specific movie pushed the series, a number of questions were left in my mind. However an incredible performance from the lead Mary Elizabeth Winstead (also in Scott Pilgrim vs The World) and some great supporting characters, plus some of the legit most iconic deaths in the series (I never want to use a tanning bed again) it's a standout in this iconic series. 4.3/5 for me. The only real downers focus around how some of the supporting characters such as Ian and Erin (and honestly the sister and her friend) were such throwaway characters I barely got to know them and what little we did get was so superficial. In addition, the order in which some of the people died was a little arbitrary at times. But overall, there's way more good then bad. I would definitely recommend, but maybe watch the series in order to get the full effect.

[Malkon05]

2) The Final Destination (2009)

The highest grossing film of this series thus far because of the introduction of 3-D, it's also by far the worst in the series. The deaths were uninspired, the way the visions occurred were arbitrary, there were a couple confusing moments, and overall the characters were the most bland in basically the entire series, and really that's kind of a feat in and of itself. The milk toast main, his gf, the security guard, the gross friend, the high strung friend, the racist, the suburban mom who has no real relevance to the story, a rando mechanic with no discernable personality (and name?) and the rando cowboy dude who could have been interesting except the movie literally introduces him 2 minutes before his death. I think the ONLY interesting sequence of this entire film was the movie theater vision and the escalator death (that didn't actually happen mind you) and then there was also a semi interesting (ha) sequence at the end. Other than that, the Nascar thing was boring, the way people died were kind of boring (yes even the pool scene), and things just felt way too predictable. There was an interesting twist in that people couldn't die "if it wasn't their turn" and I hope if more movies get made we have more of that because things could be so much more interesting if people figure out this mechanic exists. 2/5, with one or two exciting moments, this is the least inspired and least interesting of the movies in the series and although originally I did see it in 3d, something about watching it in 2d just made it so much less likable for me. Unless you are a diehard fan of the series like me, I can't recommend this.

[Malkon05]

3) Final Destination 5 (2011)

I can't believe we almost didn't get this movie in this series. It only got made because the 4th movie (above) was the highest grossing film of the series. And man we would have missed out. This movie is so much better and has aged probably the best of the movies (aside from 3). The opening bridge sequence is terrifying. It has some of the most iconic deaths in the entire series (seriously the acupuncture, the lasik eye surgery, the gymnasium, and heck even the stuff in the shop were all incredible). However where this movie falls ever so flat for me are once again the two leads who are super uninspired. Like how do you get SUCH an interesting cast (Jacqueline MacInnes Woods, PJ Byrne, Arlen Escarpeta, David Koechner and heck even Miles Fisher and Ellen Wroe who I've literally never heard of) is probably the best supporting cast of the entire series. I loved it from start to finish, but the two leads Nicholas D'Agosto & Emma Bell were just flat as a plank. I could have stuck literally any other two actors there and they would have been better suited. In addition, the climax of the movie was a little predictable and the deaths in that sequence were lukewarm at best. It's weird because the entire film up until that point was genius. In addition, the aftermath of the climax and the ending are a 10/10. I had CHILLS at the ending and I won't say them here because it's honestly the magic of the series. I think another movie is being made and it's a real shame because this was the most perfect ending for a series I've ever seen and I kind of wish they were done. Overall, this was a pretty fantastic experience and I have to give it a solid 4.5/5 but it falls short from two bad leads and an uninspired climax. If you love this series I would recommend this 9 ways to sunday because it's honestly pretty incredible what they did. As a standalone, it's not as impactful so it's a harder recommend. Watch the first 4 movies first to get the full experience if this is your thing.

[Malkon05]

4) NCIS Episodes 9-16

Honestly this series sort of runs together for me and at 40 minute episodes each I know I did watch these but for the love of god I can't recall everything about them. So I'm just going to recall the last two episodes I watched and count this all as 1, feel free to do whatever you want to with this. Episode 15 involves Gibbs sort of getting an expose into his past with a former marine seargant who has gunned down some people thinking there's some FBI conspiracy against him. There's a lot to this episode but it boils down to Agent Gibbs basically having to confront his past and help his former friend figure out what is going on. The other agents I guess are there and the only one who has any real presence in this episode is Abby who figures out a blurry face in a video they have to watch to prove someone's innocence. Honestly, I'm only watching this series because it's about as close to Criminal Minds as I can find and I already went through all 15 seasons of that show. It's not as good as Criminal Minds. Plus there is some gross blatant sexist things that happen in the prior episodes that make me want to gag. Episode 16 has to do with some dude infiltrates NCIS and takes the doctor and his assistant (and later Caitlin) hostage while he gets evidence and smuggles his dead friend dude out of the country that they were examining for some sort of toxin. I actually kind of liked this episode because they stopped focusing on gross sexist stuff and sort of dove into some interesting information about terrorist vs non terrorist organizations and some biowarfare stuff. This was a much better episode than the prior one because even the guy who captured the others was a pretty great actor and the idea of the hostages following rules and FBI having to break protocol to negotiate with the "non-terrorist" guy was pretty interesting. I also love that this episode left on a "clearly this is going to be a thing in the future" type of ending, which is good! Plus this gave the doctor and abby lots of attention and character development which was quite honestly necessary. This show is about a 2.9/5 so far, and I honestly can't recommend it over Criminal Minds so far as that kind of set the bar high for me.

[Malkon05]

5) American Dad the complete 13th season

Each episode is about 25-30 minutes long and there are over 20 episodes. I basically binged the entire season today from start to finish. This is not my favorite season of American Dad and really with episodic shows like this, stringing together a cohesive narrative of the plot of the season is basically impossible. As far as specific episodes, my personal favorites were "The Bitchin Race" which was a spoof on Amazing Race, "Death by Dinner Party" which was a clue style whodunnit plot that actually had some genuinely fun twists, "Census of the Lambs" which basically pits Hailey and Stan against each other in a race to beat each other at collecting the most census data and the best episode of the whole season Flavortown, in which the demon persona of Guy Fieri takes over the body of Jeff. There were some very memorable moments in each of these episodes, but just like most adult cartoons there was no connecting theme overall of all the episodes so it's hard to see why this was a season vs any other season. I also didn't like a number of the episodes in this season, most of which was "Twinanigans" which felt like nothing about the plot progressed and it was one of the biggest filler episodes of the whole season. If you like shows like American Dad and Family Guy, you will absolutely enjoy this season of this show. If you are a casual watcher, you probably would enjoy, I caught my partner who knows nothing about the show chuckling at various jokes he caught. But if you don't like these types of shows, or aren't already familiar with the cast, it's a hard recommend. 3/5.

[Malkon05]

I think I'm indifferent since I ultimately watch a lot more tv than movies. Plus if I'm only counting watching a whole season I definitely am not getting any benefit watching a season vs watching a movie. But again I'm not really caring about points or winning and just catching up on stuff I want to watch. Since I'm not winning anything from doing this, I'm just having fun. Whatever y'all want to do I don't really care.

[Malkon05]

6) Final Destination (the first one)

So I'm kind of doing this out of order, but I watched this movie today. It's easy to see why this series continued beyond just the 1st. A wholly original concept to the horror genre and a really good cast to boot, this was the epitome of the series. Figuring out "death's design" and how it comes back to slowly pick off people who were supposed to die in an airplane is unique. In addition, there were trope rules, and stupid drama, and just everything you want in a movie. The standout moments were the bus incident, the house explosion, and the confrontation with the electric line. There was so much to enjoy about this film, however some of the characters were very superficial. Like there was "a delivery guy" who despite lasting awhile, I barely got to know, but it was Sean William Scott who I enjoy so I tolerated it. In addition I love Ali Larter, but man did I not relate/understand her character. Like she herself is an icon, but Clear Rivers is equal parts amazing as she is frustrating. The decision making by some of the characters was also kind of irritating. Overall though, this is such a classic start for the series and I loved the two leads despite their flaws. A captivating movie where Death literally is out to get you! I approve. 4/5

[Malkon05]

7) Final Destination 2

I am finally done with my rewatch of all the Final Destinations. All-in-all I'm both happy and sad that I ended on this movie. It reminded me that the twist I thought was unique to the 4th movie was actually not that unique as it had been brought up already. So cool, I actually have a reason to go back and give the 4th movie a lower score for literally not introducing anything. Anyways, there were things about this movie I loved. Some of the death sequences, unlike the first film, were downright hilarious. I forgot that despite having the best introduction of all of the FD movies, some of the deaths were unintentionally hilarious. The Fence slicing one and the grill deaths I still laughed out loud at. This was a turning point for the series because it could have easily been a more serious toned cult classic, but parts of this movie played on a dark comedy which is seen a lot more throughout the rest of the series. I really was excited to see Ali Larter back, and then as the movie went on, I kind of wasn't. I love her, but again Clear just bugs me throughout this movie. Like she's so arrogant that it's clouded her judgement over the two movies, which I guess makes some sense, but she's way less likable in this movie than the other. In addition AJ Cook, who I love in Criminal minds, was just okay as Kimberly the main protagonist. There weren't any real stand outs in the rest of the cast either. It was kind of just a continuation of the first movie really. It wasn't great, it wasn't awful, it's just painfully average aside from the really incredible opening sequence. 3.4/5

[Malkon05]

8) Promising Young Woman

I have been DYING to have any excuse to watch this movie and finally took the plunge tonight. And hoo boy this was sure a movie. Wow there were so many twists and turns that I had whiplash by the end. A coffee barista who still lives at home has a vendetta against men by pretending to be helpless and then catching them off guard when they try to take advantage of her. I'm not sure what I expected when this movie started, but it wasn't this. Carey Mulligan was INCREDIBLE. Wow. This is a potentially career defining role. I'm just in shock because there was so much of this movie that both made me cheer loudly, and then gasp. I don't want to spoil too much for those who haven't seen it. But the ending sequence made my jaw drop. I've never felt both vehemently disgusted, and more proud in my entire life. Everything about this movie was just everything I needed. There was exactly 1 predictable moment in the movie, but otherwise I had no idea where they were going with the plot until the eventual end. I can't recommend this movie enough. 4.9/5.

[Malkon05]

9) Little Women (2019)

Okay so overall, this was a delightful movie and once again glad I had time to finally get through some of my backlog. This wasn't like the most amazing movie I've seen, nor am I very fond of the script of little women. It's not horrible, I just feel like there are times that the pacing is off and sometimes there are things that are there that don't need to be. However, this is a well acted, well directed movie. It's very much a period piece and very much a product of it's time. It sort of has a Pride & Prejudice feel, but really dives into the background of the sister's lives. I loved Meryl Streep, I loved Saiorese Ronan (sp?), I loved Emma Watson...and the rest of the actors were very good too. I think sometimes this movie has a tendency to sugar coat the actual times that this movie represents. While it's not bad, I just found myself wishing for bigger emotional reactions or bigger reactions in general. There were a lot of heavy topics covered. But at the heart of this movie was a story about ownership, figuring out who you are, and learning to make amends with the past. I'm glad I saw it, and I applaued Greta Gerwig for a job well done. I just think it could have gone farther with it's message, might be a little nitpicky on my part. It's Little Women. If you know the story, you have the basic understanding of what's in the movie and although I've never read it myself, it seems like a reasonably faithful rendition given what I do know about it. 4.2/5

[Malkon05]

10) Power Rangers (2017)

You know what? This was actually pretty good. I was worried based on what people told me that this would be a total drag and make me hate it. Was it cheesy and unbelievable at times? Yeah. But it's freaking Power Rangers. I thought the cast was more likable than I was expecting and even though it's a little "reformed punks" and "forced leadership" like all the characters filled their roles and they did pretty good. Having seen Naomi Scott in Aladdin first, I was not sure what to think and she actually was rather likable in this. Hearing those old special effects and seeing some twists such as Goldor and the putties, were really really fun! I actually had a lot of fun with this movie, even though I probably wouldn't call it AMAZING or CLASSIC. But it was a good way to spend 2 hours tonight. I have to bow to the masters though, Elizabeth Banks and Bryan Cranston were phenomenal as Rita and Zordon. Honestly if the cast was more up to their level I honestly would have called this a romping success. Elizabeth Banks in particular was GENIUS in this. Her portrayal of Rita was not your old school Rita, but a fun new grimey raw Rita who was power hungry. I kind of was here for it and she sort of carried most of the plot for me which is pretty incredible and it was fun seeing her do some of her finest work which I hope people appreciate her for. I also loved the cameo by the original pink and green rangers towards the end, a really nice nod for the series. I enjoyed this more than I thought it was going to! But again it's probably not something worth watching multiple times. 4/5.

[Malkon05]

I'll certainly never view Krispy Kreme the same way again

[Malkon05]

11) Moonlight

I don't have words. One of the most impactful movies I've ever watched in my whole life. Outstanding. I honestly don't know why I waited this long.

5/5

[Malkon05]

Cool thanks!

[Malkon05]

12) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

So like in a hotel room there is very little to watch and this was on so I watched the whole thing because why not. If anyone has not actually seen this movie I’ll do a review but like…I’ve already seen this before…and I’m sure most of you have too. Soooooooooo

3.9/5

[Malkon05]

13) Till Death (2021)

My review has spoilers, read at your own risk:

A very short, yet interesting psychological thriller starring Megan Fox on Netflix. Most Netflix horror movies are quite lacking in my experience. I'm usually missing oh I don't know, compelling characters, a villain that makes any sense, a coherent plot, or really anything that I remember about the movie except some sort of weird trope or message that I'm supposed to suffocate on. One exception was Hush but that was in 2016. So it's been awhile since any netflix horror movie really blew me out of the water.

Was this any different?

Kind of.

So like this movie had almost everything it needed to be a cult classic. It had a feuding couple, it had almost home alone esque style robbers, it had affairs, it had a remote place in the middle of nowhere, and it had an actual gripping plot. Plus it had Megan Fox, who was VERY convincing in her role. However it's not perfect. Lets go over the pros and cons:

Pro:

-Megan Fox
-Feuding Couple
-Home Alone esque style robbers
-Affairs
-An Actual Gripping Plot
-A remote place in the middle of nowhere

Con:

-The world's most unbelievable petty husband
-An affair guy who is so dumb he leaves his phone in his car and where the fuck did his keys go?
-A really boring introduction
-Hypothermia? I don't know her.

So all in all this was good but I have issues with this movie. I don't understand how Megan Fox was able to drive so perfectly on a flat tire, I don't know how Bobby the bad guy (literally his name) didn't sustain internal injuries after like 5 or 6 different giant blows to the head and falling through a roof onto a floor. Like I get doing a movie for the sake of doing something entertaining, and if I really just ignore all of the glaring problems, this is a SOLID thriller. There's so much to this movie, but the basic concept is a woman who is having an affair on her weirdo husband (honestly why don't people just get divorces in these movies), and then on their anniversary night where she is very clearly NOT FEELING IT (I probably wouldn't either because the guy's gift to her is one of the most "I'm about to die" gifts I've ever seen someone give in a movie), she gets dragged out to their old lake home as a surprise. It's kind of sexy and hot and she's even laughing at one point, and it seems like they are trying to fix the marriage (except it's super obvious something is off about all of this). So they do it, and the next morning Megan wakes up and her husband is being weird like normal except at the end he fucking blows his brains out. She goes to try to get away because she's in shock but because he's a weird he's handcuffed her prior to him so that she has to now drag him around the entire remote house in order to like find a series of things, almost saw esque.

First she finds her wedding dress which is above some weird safe that she's clearly confused by, but she has bigger issues than worrying about some weird safe. She uses the dress to drag him around as she visits the places of the house including a creepy photo developing room, a shed with a car that has had all the gas siphoned out of it and only enough power to play a CD that says the guy is impressed but wants them both to die because he saw their marriage failing and didn't want it to end. It's the ultimate petty trip and Megan even calls out his hyprocrisy as it's clear she's had to clean up clothes that would indicate the guy (a district attorney) has had his share of indiscretions. So it was never about getting even, it was making sure she wasn't happy with anyone else and was almost a trophy for him, which makes sense given the rest of the things in the movie so far. She was a star survivor in a case and he sort of obsessed about her.

Anyways after awhile the affair guy shows up (the subordinate of her husband) and asks why she called him out here and why she's chained to her dead husband and that it's going to look like she killed him, to which she smartly says "I don't care we need to call the cops and get out of here" and like a dumbass law guy who has suddenly turned stupid he goes "Oh I forgot my phone in my car". (she can't call because the petty dead husband put her phone in a vase full of water). Like what self respecting smart law dude forgets a phone in a car when they go to a strange place in the middle of nowhere? My first and only thought given the circumstances would be to keep my phone on me. Like, I've sometimes left my phone in my car like if I'm out shopping for clothes or some shit that's normal. This is so far from normal.

So anyways the dead husband is so petty that somehow he impersonated his wife, called the affair guy out here, because what happens next? Two robbers, one of which is the guy who attempted to kill Megan Fox's character, named Bobby which made me snort, show up to like...open the safe that the dead husband had installed.

So let's review the levels of petty this dead husband, who, let me remind you, is a former district attorney, has put Megan Fox through:

1. Set up photos in a weird dark room to give her PTSD from her attack.
2. Used their anniversary night to seduce her into sex and then killed himself in front of her as if she didn't have enough trauma in her life.
3. Called her out for an affair rather than idk get a divorce, when he himself has clearly had multiple affairs.
4. Given her a gun with no bullets in it, just enough for him to kill himself so she has to put herself through gruelling torture to get out of a place that he has no intention of letting her get out of.
5. Cut the phone lines and left the front door open to isolate her.
6. Put her cell phone in water.
7. Called her affair dude out here.
8. Called the dude who stabbed her out here.
9. Given her the worst anniversary gift of all time which is some weird necklace that he fastened around her neck that looks nothing like a normal necklace and would have immediately made me call the cops.

In any case, so the robbers show up and stab the affair dude to death. Because why not, we can do this home alone for adults style. Meanwhile Megan fox manages to drag her dead husband's corpse out to the frozen lake house, which luckily is frozen over because it allows her to go around back which she normally wouldn't be able to do.

Oh did I not mention this whole movie takes place in some weird snowy lake house that's clearly at the peak of winter? Because it does. Anyways back to the synopsis.

So Megan uses the anchor on the boat to cut her dead husband hand enough to slide the cuffs off and then...somehow cuts her wedding dress enough to make makeshift shoes...oh right...

Petty List:
10. Her husband has taken her shoes away somehow so she's had to walk barefoot through this entire ordeal.

Anyways she makes shoes and hides from the guys for a bit, but eventually they start to close in on her. At one point she is lying under a car and one of the guys is stabbing out the tires because he doesn't want her escaping from the place (not realizing she is under the car) and has to like...007 style sneak out and back into the house. After a few close calls, she hides in the attic and lures Bobby smacking him with a golf club and he falls through the floor and is knocked unconscious. She uses this to lure the other guy and knock him into a room and removing the handle. However, somehow Bobby is fine! He and the other dude eventually catches up with her and despite some pretty incredible moments from Megan even she is human. She and her dead husband are once again handcuffed together thanks to Bobby and he says that she knows the combo to the safe as I believe the date of their wedding or first date or something. She gives it to him after his lackey uncuffs her and he opens it to find...

Petty List:
11. Dead Husband put Megan through all of this, assumed somehow she'd still be alive, and then left an engraved saw in a safe that the robbers could use to cut her head off to get the necklace around her neck which is filled with diamonds (and seems to be unbreakable with normal objects and somehow ridiculously impossible to unlatch...it makes more sense to watch this weird saw esque necklace than for me to describe it)...this is some next level petty that even if I believe the guy could think through everything, this just feels excessive. Like what if she'd fallen in the lake at some point, or what if the affair guy smartly brought a gun with him and shot the robbers? I just think there are so many things wrong with this.

Anyways, so the lackey tries to stop Bobby from killing her, but he impales the guy on...a random hook on the wall...I don't even know what this hook was for? This house is weird.

So then Bobby and Megan have a giant chase, but she's cuffed his hand to the dead guy and he's stabbed her leg. So she's hobbling around the house and Bobby is chasing her with a dead guy attached to his wrist. The whole thing is really funny and I laughed. Anyways the chase has a conclusion that is equal parts confusing and equal parts satisfying (involving cars that can run with flat tires, a weirdly specific frozen lake, a lack of hypothermia, and one of the most satisfying stabs in all of television history). I'll let you watch to see the true build up and conclusion so I don't ruin the magic for you because there's actually quite a bit I left out...which is weird.

This plot I think has more pros than cons and overall, I enjoyed it! I think that's the real point of this anyways and I'm glad I can take it out of my netflix queue finally. 3.8/5 I would recommend, but just try to not take everything too seriously because there are some parts of this movie that are so unbelievably out of logic and wild I just can't even with that right now.

[Malkon05]

14) American Dad Season 14

This was 20 episodes at approximately 20-30 minutes per episode. This was a MUCH better season than 13 and actually had a coherent theme through the whole thing! Stuff that happens at the beginning of the season comes back around full circle by the final episode which leads to a satisfying godzilla meets ET style of finale that felt like a nice bookend to how the season started. Highlights of this season for me were "Eight Fires" which involved Francine trying to find her inner cook, "No Weddings and a Funeral" which is a hypothetical episode that happens 15 years in the future from the series, "Mom Sauce" where Steve's plan to get back at his buddy Snot fails and accidentally puts him into foster care and sends his mom to jail, "Lost Boys" where Roger gets Steve and his friends to turn on each other and Jeff believes he can get into real estate, and the crown jewel "Rabbit Ears" which is a film noir tv show that Stan gets sucked into, really quality episode that I have to recommend more than anything else this season. Overall I'm very pleased, but I noticed that Haley sort of faded into the background as most of the episodes involved her as part of someone else's plot and not really someone who got a full episode that focused on anything that developed her character. Aside from this I'm very pleased. 4.6/5

[Malkon05]

Designated Survivor had a great first season. I think I agree with your review Hasch

[Malkon05]

15) Resident Evil (2002)

Honestly this film has held up REALLY well since 2002. 20 years later I decided to do a little reunion marathon of the series. I have to say I loved rewatching it. Michelle Rodriguez, Milla Jovovich, Martin Crewes, Eric Mabius, and James Purefoy were all pretty terrific actors. A catatonic woman wakes up in a mansion unsure what the heck is going on. From there things only go downhill. For movies that are based on video games, this was the first time I felt like one actually succeeded. It was really well done and I thought the storytelling of the original idea of the Hive and the Red Queen and Alice and really so many elements of this movie worked. Even though this was cheesy early 2000s especially with the "espionage show the building via heat sensor" aesthetics which are dated, there's still an undeniably good story here with terrific characters that were deep and complex, united by a will to survive. 4.4/5

Pretty sure the rest of these are not going to be as good.

[Malkon05]

16) Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Yeah I knew this wouldn't last long. There are so many issues with the characters and their motivations it's insane. This is the decline of the series, but it's a trainwreck I can't help but love. Milla Jovovich continues to prove that she's a titan in the action heroine genre, but she alone can't carry the movie. Two big names in RE, Jill Valentine and Carlos Oliveira are the other two characters introduced and the actors are...actually okay. The big issue is with the dialog and the bad writing of the movie. Like at one point Jill actually hands someone a gun and says "let's split up to search for shit". Like I get it, she's a capable cop who can handle herself, but the two people she is with are barely able to lift a gun or really care for themselves at any point. And what happens? One dies and it was a completely avoidable death. Then again a special ops cop refuses help from Jill and says "Ive got this" and what happens? He dies immediately after. Like there is very little rational thinking from any character that isn't Milla Jovovich and it's infuriating. But the whole movie has good action, good effects, and it's kind of a pretty epic final fight. It also had the potential to have a decent ending, but I know what's coming in the next movie sooooooo..... 3/5

[Malkon05]

17) Resident Evil: Extinction

Yeah. It's just going downhill even more. This was the least interesting and least coherent of the Resident Evil films so far. Alice is going to Alaska and she's bringing Ali Larter as Claire Redfield with her. We meet a couple familiar faces, but they all die. The new characters that are introduced are mostly flat and uninteresting and most of them die. Plus there's a bunch of uninteresting scenes such as the dogs and the weird people in the beginning and the almost pointless gas station scenes. It's just a very confusing narrative and very incoherent. Like there are so many things about this movie that just straight up aren't fun. If you are watching this you are watching this because you are doing a marathon watch of all the movies. I will say the jewel of this movie was Ali Larter who might be the best choice for Claire Redfield ever. She's kind of incredible and I would have loved to see a RE2 remake starring her because that might have been quite interesting. 2.1/5

[Malkon05]

18) Resident Evil: Afterlife

Really this plot just gets worse with every film. Basically it feels disjointed at the beginning to sort of force a plot throughout the rest of the movie and all of the new characters are flat and 1 dimensional. Ali Larter and Milla Jovovich continue to be the stars of the movie, with Wentworth Miller making an appearance as Chris Redfield. Really it's just a little sad at this point. I don't even really know what the plot is anymore. It's just "get to thing, do thing, zombies" over and over. The only interesting thing was they introduced the uruboros which is a concept from RE5 and so that was good I guess. Really though I was super bored and even as someone who "likes to continue the story" this drug on. 1.4/5.

[Malkon05]

19) Resident Evil: Retribution

Okay so like, I didn't hate this sequel, but once again it was a disjointed mess. I did love the return of Michelle Rodriguez and the gal who played Jill Valentine, that was a nice addition. In addition they introduced Leon and the Los Plagas virus. Like there are very obvious ties to the games, however I think this particular series is long past it's expiration date and I'm thrilled that I'm about to be done with this. I'm just sad because the first movie in this series was really well done and everything after has been less than great. The best part about this movie though was the set up which was actually mildly interesting in comparison to the last couple of movies. Like Alice is still the focus, but unlike before she's part of these simulated underground worlds created by the Red Queen. In addition we've introduced some improvements to the enemies and all in all it's a lot of fun in terms of action. The story is a mess though and I'm not sure how this series got 6 movies made. It's quite baffling. 3.4/5

[Malkon05]

20) Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

This movie ALLLLLLLLMOST brings the series around full circle and makes everything seem like it had a point. I was also very pleased with the return of Ali Larter and Iain Glen. Really this was a better movie than it had any right to be. It was very much Rogue One esque though but with a slight twist to the formula at the end. If you liked this series, and you like Rogue One, I recommend it. Interesting. The series comes around full circle when Wesker betrays (wow pikachu shock face) all of the survivors. Everyone from the last movie super fucking dead except Alice (wow pikachu shock face). So when Alice gets a transmission from Red Queen that it's her job to stop the end of all of humanity, she's obviously skeptical. But in 48 hours she knows the remaining 4800 or so humans left alive are dead anyways, so what does she have left to lose? There were actually some interesting twists in this movie! I don't think it was perfect and I have so many questions about what happened to people from the prior movies, but really they did about as good a job as one would hope given how bungled this story was. It ended similarly to how it started, it brought everything back full circle, and it did actually attempt to make sense of some of the terrible plots from the last few movies. I'm a lot more satisfied with this than I thought I would be. 4/5

[Malkon05]

21) Resident Evil: Degeneration

Okay time for the animated movies now haha. We start off with the reunion of the century, Claire and Leon reunite for the first time since Resident Evil 2 and it's just fantastic. This movie is so well done and paced and was written by someone who has a deep love of the series. I also loved the introduction of Angela (Laura Bailey, a favorite of mine). She was such an awesome character and tied in so well to the overall plot. Wow. It's a huge mega bummer disappointment though because I know we never see her again in the series and I would love to see her featured as a protagonist again. There's a lot of political intrigue and a lot of interwovenness in the characters. The one thing I hated about this was the kiss towards the end. That's not a way to save someone if they are drowing and even if it was more romantic, she and Leon don't show any romantic notions to each other otherwise. So it was weird and like forced for tv purposes? A really good chapter in the RE series though. 4.8/5

[Malkon05]

22) Resident Evil: Damnation

So so good. Honestly this is the best Resident Evil Movie so far. Leon gets pulled off vacation to deal with something, then they tell him to pull out and he's like "Fuck that noise" and decides to get himself entangled in the civil war of a small country. It's a wild ride and I loved it from start to finish. I have one minor gripe but it's so small it's not worth talking about. Really this was peak Resident Evil for me. Ada Wong, Leon, a couple new faces I'll probably never see again, but really the coolest part of the whole movie was the bit about the hive and I don't want to spoil it for you. 5/5 easy recommendation.

[Malkon05]

the 2002 resident evil was awesome from what I remember.

Probably one of the best video game adaptation movies.

So good my god. They really did an incredible job with it. Resident Evil Damnation and Degeneration were both a lot of fun though! You'd probably enjoy them.

[Malkon05]

23) Resident Evil: Vendetta

Okay so like I had pretty high expectations admittedly after Damnation and Degeneration and this wasn't a complete bomb. Like there were fight sequences that were absolutely mind blowing. Chris and Leon both were a dream team and some of the animations in this were truly spectacular. However this was Rebecca's first full length anything back into the series and...she basically becomes a watered down damsel in distress and it made me so unbelievably mad because I always wanted to see the badass medic get to be the hero and once again Chris has to come rescue her and I just sighed mostly. It took me awhile to get past that. I liked the villain, the motivations, and the set up. Really this was a good chapter in the RE series, I just hated how Rebecca is basically once again almost pointless to the plot she is in, and she really deserved better. 4.4/5

[Malkon05]

24) Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness

And with that I have concluded everything that I have available to me at this time. The only movie missing for me is the one that just came out. I'll have to watch that later. All in all this was an okay miniseries. It was 4-25 minute episodes for a total of 100 minutes...I'm actually unsure why this wasn't just a movie. Overall, I think it tried a little too hard to be something it wasn't. I was a tad confused about the point of the plot and where it was going. Plus the one character that could have been interesting ultimately died so that felt anti climactic. It was nice seeing Ashley Graham's father, but overall this felt a little lackluster. It was okay though! A solid 3.5/5. It kept me entertained, but it wasn't like groundbreaking or anything.

[Malkon05]

25) Final Fantasy XV: Kingsglaive

So this was a movie. Unless you plan to play the video game, this is very much NOT worth watching. It's literally only for people who enjoy FFXV. The music, graphics and action was absolutely phenomenal. There's literally nothing else interesting about this movie, it's basically the rogue one story of Final Fantasy. Kind of want those 2 hours of my life back. 1.5/5

[Malkon05]

26) Will & Grace Season 2 (the reboot)

Honestly this season was pretty good. There were a lot of good episodes with fun banter including Karen trying to figure out who she is and having to announce she's straight, Grace and Will navigating their relationships to figure out if they are compatible with their current partners, and it has Jack coming to terms with the fact that he's in love and wanting to move on with his life rather than let old flames get in the way of what he has. A lot of character growth in this season except for Karen, but she's still delightful so yeah. I think the funniest part was Jack creating "Gaybraham Lincoln" because the banter between him and Megan Mullalay was side splittingly hilarious. This show is doing a terrific job so far and I'm having a blast. Can't wait for season 3! 18 episodes at an approximate 20 minutes each. 4.5/5

[Malkon05]

27) Veronica Mars: The Movie

Fun story! I helped kickstart this movie so I was glad to have an excuse to give it another watch. Honestly I watched this after finishing up season 3 and it holds up really well and is a much better place to go with the series than the end of Season 3. A big highlight for me was the return of Krysten Ritter as Gia. Really there was so much to love about this. The Jamie Lee Curtis and James Franco cameos, the reintroduction to our favorite characters and what they were doing, the nice little nods to the people who helped kickstart it, and really a pretty well put together story made for probably one of my favorite entries into the Veronica Mars universe. There are a couple things I didn't care for and a couple plotlines that started with no direction of where they would go, but for a series that was not supposed to be around anymore, Rob Thomas and the rest of the cast should be really proud what they put together with the rest of the kickstarter crew.

4.7/5

[Malkon05]

28) American Dad Season 15

You know? After how much I loved Season 14, this was a bit of a let down. It wasn't bad and had some gems such as "Exquisit Corpses" where Jeff, Francine & Roger start a business to go visit famous murder sites, "Game Night" where Stan tries to treat the family to a real life game, but everyone's super over him and his bad attitude, "First Do No Farm" where stand turns the family home into a sort of pseudo amish property to toughen up everyone, "The Chilly Thrillies" where Francine becomes obsessed with ASMR and "America" which is basically like somewhere between final destination and groundhog's day. Aside from the above episodes though I found myself getting bored and often felt like Hayley once again got the shaft from a number of episodes. I hope season 16 is better or else I might need to move on to other shows. 3.2/5

EDIT: There were 22 episodes about 25 minutes each.

[Malkon05]

29) It Chapter Two

Again, another thing I can get out of my backlog. Honestly this was kind of lackluster in comparison to the first. I actually laughed more than I was scared which was not the case with chapter one. This movie involves the reunion of the losers as adults to stop Pennywise the Dancing Clown from killing a bunch of children. However, rather than be spooky, Pennywise or "It" has resorted to using hilarious means to attack people, such as a giant paul bunyan statue, a bunch of evil fortune cookies, and at one point a bunch of tiny hands. This movie I guess had some suspense, but most of the time I just ended up laughing more than I was scared and I'm kind of bummed about that. It was also semi predictable which bummed me out, though I guess for anyone who actually watched the original or read the books none of these movies would surprise you, but this was my first dive in, and I was underwhelmed. Not bad, but nothing I'd probably watch again. 3/5

[Malkon05]

30) Dallas Buyers Club

Another movie I wanted to get through my back log. I...don't know how to feel about this movie. There are parts that were impactful, there were parts that were frustrating, and ultimately it left me with a confusing message. I think Jared Leto was incredible. Like wow he went to a really dark place to do parts of that role and it was kind of transformative to say the least. I've never seen him act like that and it was quite something to watch. I think Matthew McConaughey was at the top of his game and he too took a really transformative journey. Everyone else was...okay. The story was...okay. It's not like my favorite movie ever. I don't hate it, but I am glad it didn't get picture of the year that year. The story has to do with treatment of HIV/AIDs and the sorts of crazy loopholes that people had to go through just to fight for the right to get actual treatments that kept them alive longer. It was also in texas. I do like that it finished with an advancement of the way it started involving rodeos, that was very symbolic and a nice touch. The message at the end of the credits I feel like should have been highlighted more in the movie. It almost felt like an afterthought. I dont' know, it's a good concept and topic, I was just underwhelmed by the overall story itself. 3.6/5

[Malkon05]

31) We Bought A Zoo

...Why did I choose to make the unfortunate decision to lose sleep to watch this movie? I seriously have had this movie as a free one I got from a cereal campaign years ago as it was the only choice of movie I didn't already own and it was otherwise going to waste. This honestly was like watching the hallmark version of a movie. You have the widowed father trying to piece together his family by doing something crazy and moving to a new place, you have the really attractive person who has a weird amount of knowledge of a specific topic who greets and fixes the family with open arms and ridiculous amounts of wisdom, the moody teenage kid who can't express "feelings" except through really weird dark drawings of decapitation (I'm not even making this up), although there isn't a nosy mayor there is a "park inspector" who basically serves the same function, you have the crazy crackpot "this guy was famous for being an expert years ago and somehow ended up here" know it all who like is half parts coherent drunkard and half parts raving lunatic, you have like the random girl who falls insanely in love with a boy she just met and is kind of quirky I guess?, you have the daughter who never has any emotions except happy (eat your heart out Inside Out), and last but not least the nefarious accountant who is doing everything to undermine the operation (even though she's actually not wrong and the guy was way in over his head). Honestly there was so much wrong with this movie, but like at the core there was a very intimate heart about a family becoming whole again...so basically the plot of every hallmark movie. Anyways the guy buys a zoo...which...is somehow still "barely" functioning because the "state" is paying the place money to like...barely keep it afloat? So this rando dude and his daughter go to this place and are like "fuck it we know nothing about exotic animals let's buy it!" And...well...shocker, it all works out perfectly somehow. Yes, even despite a bunch of poisonous snakes roaming free at one point that literally bite no one (what?), a bear who gets away and romps around in town and somehow no one sees and he walks back to the zoo property, despite a lion encounter that should have ended in a bloody death when the maintenance man has to go inside and repair the lock while the zoo manager distracts the lion by yelling at it, despite quite literally spending his dead wife's last penny just to barely pass an inspection, and despite the weirdest random "coming to jesus" moment between the guy and his brother involving a car full of dead fish, everything magically works out. And I know this is actually based on a true story, but even if this is how things went, it was incredibly hallmark which is just not my thing. If you are looking for a feel good movie with nothing but perfect resolutions to everything, this is your movie. Matt Damon and Scarlett Johannsen honestly could not carry this movie despite being big name hollywood actors and their kiss in almost every other movie would have been something of legend, but here, it was just like...as awkward as the movie itself.

Do you like hallmark movies? This is your movie. Enjoy. I want my 2 hours back. 2/5

Edit: Oh and I think a new drinking game for this movie should be "take a shot every time someone asks the protagonist why he bought a zoo". Actually wait no, if we do that then we would all be dead from alcohol poisoning, since the forced plot of the movie decided to remind me every 52 seconds almost on the dot via a question from one of the 20 forgettable side characters who I'm pretty sure have a name, but like their roles are mostly pointless.

[Malkon05]

*Matt Damon

haha thanks. I was very tired when I wrote that

[Malkon05]

32) Scary Stores To Tell In The Dark

So this was a movie in my netflix log I decided to finish. It's a hard one to grade. There was an interesting premise, a group of stereotypical high schoolers go to a haunted mansion and accidentally unleash the fury of a dead spirit who likes to write stories in blood. One by one those were present when the book of her stories was taken start vanishing without a trace. Along the way, we learn about the nerdy girl who has abandonment issues, the rebel who is dodging the draft, the skeptic who has to be proven wrong in a weird gross way, the loyal friend who is a scaredy cat, the sister who is a cheerleader and kind of useless, and the mean jock who gets his just desserts before anyone else. The cast wasn't actually horrible, and the premise was intriguing. However, there's a giant plot hole at the end that I just sat there and realized they would never resolve.

A cop literally dies next to a jail cell and the only two people in the room escaped and...somehow neither of them are questioned or brought back to jail. If you don't believe in supernatural shenanigans at the very least it would seem to me that these two should be probably held for murder of a cop because how else do you explain where his body was and where they were?

If I ignore the big gaping plot hole, it's kind of like a modern day goosebumps and it favors a couple jumpscares and sort of creepy "things" rather than outright terror or horror. I think this was horror designed for a younger audience and it mostly delivers. However, I enjoyed the Fear Street trilogy much more than this and would have to strongly recommend that first. Okay, but the lack of actual horror and the sort of weird gaping plot hole that any basic person can comprehend is an issue by anyone's modern legal standards drive this score down. 2.8/5

[Malkon05]

33) Too Hot To Handle Season 3

With a total of 6.9 hours of episodes (414 minutes over 10 episodes) there was a lot to get through. It's the same story as the first two seasons, 10 or so horny attractive people show up for what they think is all about sex and stuff, however a talking cone known as Lana becomes a pseudo chastity device and threatens them by saying if they do stuff like kiss, or hanky panky, or you know...apparently put up a sheet and kiss through the sheet (yes that actually did happen this season) or you lose money from a prize fund. Now, normally there's like this person who is very strict and says DONT DO THIS OR WE WILL BE SUPER MAD and usually they come out of it with something. But apparently season 3 said "fuck it we don't need $200,000" and literally blew through it all. Gambling on a bet they knew would fail, kissing literally in some of the most bizarre ways possible, and you know unable to like stop from doing some solo stuff. This cast blew through the entire prize fund before the end and only saved any money because probably the producers didn't want to be a big bummer and allowed a "final test" to put $90,000 back in the pot (in spite of someone drinking champagne out of someone else's stomach which...apparently is fine? With pseudo weird rules and like finding ways to get around said rules, this season tried a lot and most of the time didn't get away with it. By the end with basically a pity fund, they finally went to vote and for the first time in the show's history

Lana awarded the prize to a couple rather than an individual.

Really this was just more of the first two seasons, except I felt like the cast was a little more bland than the first two seasons. I barely remember any of the characters except for like the main two couples and one of the women who went through some pretty major growth of doing the right thing after starting off as the floozy of the show. Aside from these people though the producers basically just said screw the rest of the cast and really gave them hardly any screen time except for the ones they booted. It was a weird edit and one of the most unsurprising final 3s of all (aside from the spoiled bit). I'm wondering if they are just having a harder time finding good characters for the show because this was the worst cast so far, although the winner was surprisingly refreshing. Overall, it's more of the same with a couple small changes, and...for some reason I felt like there was way less drama and less to invest in. It left me wanting more. 3/5

[Malkon05]

34) There's Someone Inside Your House

Well this was interesting. A horror movie where the killer knows your deepest, darkest secret and uses it to taunt you in the final moments before your death. It's like every cliche horror movie except I kind of liked this one. It's not perfect, far from it, however it deals with orientation, with race, with gender, and covers a variety of deep issues and overcoming them. It's definitely flawed, yet I found the main character pretty compelling and the situation at least felt somewhat believable. The reveal at the end was...well predictable. I called it about 30 minutes into the movie. But I would say it's worth watching once. I didn't hate it! I didn't particularly love it, but it's not a bad horror netflix movie if you are looking for a good way to spend a night. It certainly was more my speed than We Bought A Zoo, though I don't really thing that's saying much. Very, horror in a small town. The mask thing was kind of interesting too. 3.4/5

[Malkon05]

35) Don't Look Up

I've joined the bandwagon and finally checked this one off of my list. A dark comedy about a freaking comet that literally no one handles well and the one or two people who try to make things better aren't able to because the people who matter won't listen. Don't look up is fascinating as a political, scientific, and denialism study. It had so many big names too, but really the highlight for me was the Just Look Up song performed by Ariana Grande which was honestly the sort of peak of the movie.

If this movie taught me one thing, it's never trust a cell phone company. 4.7/5 I had a good time with this one, very little to complain about.

[Malkon05]

Don't Look Up (Adam McKay-2021)

I love good satire and this is good satire. There is an impending disaster and this movie satirizes our culture's current inability to focus and deal with the disaster. It was intended to be prescient in describing our reaction to climate change, but instead it's a commentary on our inability to handle a pandemic. Recommended.

Thanks for the recommend, inspired me to watch it!

[Malkon05]

36) Scream 5

My first movie in an actual movie theater in 2.5 years. Man I missed this experience. Streaming just isn't the same. Anyways, this was a nice addition to the Scream franchise and might be my favorite since the first quiet honestly (although I am a sucker for 4). Good plot twists, good cliches, decent way to re-introduce some old faces, and a semi-believable plot that made sense. I actually guessed part of the plot pretty early, but it was still rather entertaining all things considered. I recommend it. Always a treat seeing Neve Campbell on my screen <3 A couple fake outs, a couple jumps, and some really grotesque stabbings really were the cherry on top to a great evening with friends. The movie was pretty great too! 4.4/5!

[Malkon05]

37) I Know What You Did Last Summer

It's been years since I saw this movie and I honestly forgot most of the plot of this movie. I even forgot Sarah Michelle Gellar was in this movie. But man was I reminded. I still think Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of the worst leading ladies in a horror movie ever, but the plot is pretty simple. A group of teens is partying and hit a man on the road. They think they've killed hima nd they take the body to the nearby lake to dump it. However, just before dumping it, the guy wakes up, however they still push him into the water when he tries to attack them and the man drowns. A year later they all start getting threats and have to band together to figure out who or what is chasing after them. The plot is about as cheesy as I remember, but with Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ryan Phillippe & Freddie Prinz, Jr at the helm you know at the very least you are in for some fun. I mostly revisited this because I watched Scream recently and thought it would be fun to revisit my stomping grounds. It was fine. It's not like amazing horror, but it was good for a jumpscare or two. It's worth a watch since it's on netflix, but after that probably not worth your time. There are better horror movies and better lead actresses. 3/5.

[Malkon05]

Oh nice!

[Malkon05]

38) I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

*sigh* why did I get the nostalgia bug? I really shouldn't have watched this. It was not good. There were so many bad cliches and like ridiculous situations. Like what resort in the bahamas during good weather doesn't have like hundreds of guests? What airline constantly is flying at ridiculous hours of the night to the bahamas on a regular basis? How realistically do you drive a boat through a freaking hurricane? And how are you not reeling in pain from having broken your arm and then fighting two separate serial killers at once?

Not even Jack Black and Brandy can save this sequel. It should probably have never been made. 1.8/5.

[Malkon05]

39) Scary Movie 4

This was infinitely better than whatever I just tried to watch last. But It's still hella dumb. I love Anna Faris who sparkles in this in spite of how ridiculous the plot is (which is why we watch these movies in the first place.) Cindi is back and she teams up with Brenda and a hot dad named Tom Ryan in order to stop aliens from making everyone turn into dust...or becoming naked. There's also tie ins to saw, the grudge, the village, and for some reason brokeback mountain. Lots of laughs and cheap entertainment in this one. If you are looking for a good time or just for time to kill, go ahead, it's dumb, we all know it, and we still watch it. 3.2/5

[Malkon05]

40) Scary Movie 5

Cut this one a little close haha. I watched it in pieces on my lunch break today, last night, and then the last 30 minutes just now Anyways this movie is not the same without Anna Faris. Ashley Tisdale, bless her heart, tries her best to fill that role but she's just not the same. Anyways there are parodies of paranormal activity, evil dead, cabin in the woods, black swan and planet of the apes. There were also some moments from Inception, Ted, 50 shades of grey, and more. Like overall there's a coherent narrative, but again this series without Brenda and Cindi fighting about a tv leaking, or about how to solve saw traps, etc. etc. was just kind of boring. Like it had all the makings of a movie that could be funny, but ultimately it just fell short for me. 2/5...and that's being generous.

Wish I'd picked something better for my final movie, but here we are. At least I got 40 entries in <3

[Malkon05]

1) Midnight Mass
I highly recommend. Engaging performances and characters. Nice slow burn show.

My favorite tv show not named Succcession in a while

7 episodes, limited series

Midnight Mass is so fantastic! Great choice

[Malkon05]

Are we going to do this again at some point? <3