Like most storage places of its kind, the basement morgue of Mafiascum Memorial Hospital is a chilly, quiet place. Most staff refuses to go down there alone after midnight for fears that the spirits of scummers past stirred within its frigid bowels. Reports that the spirits of Yossarian2 and MagnaofIllusion have been seen in the morgue unnerves some of the employees here. Others swear they've seen jeep's restless spirt muttering outdated scumtells into the silent darkness. Tonight, no such spirits move among the freezer drawers. Two figures in scrubs are standing over a small pile of remains which lie on a steel table.
"Are you sure this is going to work, kuribo?" the shorter one asks the large one.
"No, Mala, I'm not," says kuribo, sticking the electrodes of an automatic defibrillator to... well, wherever his closest approximation to the chest area of the remains would be.
"You realize that's not how AEDs work, right?" says Malakittens.
"Listen, I'm milking this cow, okay? You just hold the tail."
Stand back. Checking for heartbeat.
The AED's robotic voice instructs them.
"Here we go," says kuribo.
No heartbeat detected.
"Dude, I tried telling you, you have to have a heartbeat and be in afib for these things to work." says Malakittens.
"It was worth a shot, right? We don't have a DNR order for this guy. Should we start CPR?"
Stand back. Checking for heartbeat. No heartbeat detected.
"THEY'RE BONES!" exclaims Malakittens in exasperation. "What are you gonna resuscitate, his sternum!? He doesn't even have a heart, half this sh-- is missing!"
"THE KITTY TRAUMA TEAM DOES NOT LOSE PATIENTS!"
"HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS!"
"Mala, we're not quitters."
Stand back. Checking for heartbeat. No heartbeat detected.
"Can we please just put this guy back in the drawer?" sighs Mala. "Who the hell left this down here anyway? Guy shoulda had a proper burial years ago. For god's sake, call the funeral home or something."
"You're probably right. You're always right. Let's clean this sh-- up."
Stand back. Checking for heartbeat. Delivering shock.
"Uhhhh, what?" says Malakittens.
The AED beeps and presumably delivers a shock to what might be the ribcage.
Stand back. Checking for heartbeat. Normal rhythm detected. No shock required.
"Who's the f---ing best? WE ARE. Kitty Trauma Team, y'all!" says kuribo, jumping in the and pumping his fist.
"Relax, damn thing's probably malfunctioning," says Malakittens.
That would be a great point on her part except that no sooner do the words leave her mouth than the bones begin to stir. Collecting themselves into a rough shape of a human, they attempt to sit upright to the best of their ability. The eyeless skull looks around, sees the astonished Kitty Trauma Team and speaks.
"Either of you got some Tylenol?" asks the animated skeletal remains.
"This is amazing," says kuribo. "We've broken the final barrier of medicine!"
"Amazing, it's a sin against nature is what it is," says Mala.
"We're brilliant! We're going to be rich! Famous! We've neutralized death!" says kuribo pacing the floor.
"I don't know if I like this," says Mala.
"No, guys, for real, some Tylenol," says the remains.
"Okay, fine, we don't have to profit. We can... we can form a Team Mafia team with him!" exclaims kuribo.
"I thought we weren't doing Team Mafia. People don't really like playing with us when we hydra," replies Mala.
"This'll be different. mith here used to be REALLY good. He can carry us," says kuribo.
"TY-LE-NOL," says mith's animated remains despite lacking vocal cords. "Or Advil. Great Value ibuprofen. Anything, really."
"Quiet bonesy, the living are talking here," says kuribo.
"Hey, don't talk to the patient that way," says Mala. "He didn't ask to be brought back here from... where do you go when you die, anyway?" she asks, turning toward the talking skeleton.
"Ever been to Bali?" asks mith. "It's nothing like that. And anyway, I'm a little rusty, but Team Mafia would be a lot of fun."
"Okay, cool," says kuribo. "This is gonna be an all-timer!"
"Uhhh, kuribo?" asks Mala. "Aren't you forgetting something? We need a fourth."
"Sh--. You're right," says kuribo.
An even colder chill wafts into the room. The three living (well, two living and one kinda living) beings feel another presence.
I will join your team,
whispers an icy voice directly into their minds.
Together we shall rise in glory and dominate the living.
"Spirit," says kuribo, "what is your name?"
I am Dessew. I am everywhere. And yet I am nowhere. The veil between the living and the dead has been torn by your actions here tonight. Even now, Fate, the Wraith of Fury, and DrippingGoofball the Avatar of Whimsy walk the earth once more.
"The other Serenes," says kuribo in astonishment, the echoes of a previous life imprinting themselves once again into his destiny.
Yes. We will stand opposed by your former therapy partners. As well as other foes both new and old. Mafia is a game of life and death. mith and I have experienced death. We have risen above it. The realm of death holds no fear, no secrets, no surprises for us. The two of you, the life-restorers, have your understanding of life. Of what it means to preserve life. Between the four of us, we will bring death to our foes and life to our allies. All shall fall.
"I like this guy," says kuribo. "He really speaks my language."
"Yeah, okay, he's in," says Malakittens.
"This is gonna be fun," says mith. "Only one thing, though."
"What's that?" asks the Kitty Trauma Team in unison.
"CAN YOU PLEASE GET ME SOME TYLENOL?!"
