Scummies 2013: Live-tweeted for your pleasure

[Scummies]

January 31th, 2013: The Super-Secret-Red-Only-Forum-Behind-The-Skittles-Only-Forum.

Mr. Flay

: We need to get an earlier start on writing the Scummies this year. Last year's fiasco nearly killed us...

mith

: I'm going to be out of town, well out of the country entirely, about that time.

Flay

: Are you kidding me? we always count on you for the last-minute edits that actually make the damn thing work at all.

mith

: can't be helped.

Kison

: Don't look at me, flavor's not my forté. Anyway isn't that what the Steering Committee is for?

Flay

: Yeah, but they're down a couple of members who have dropped/flaked, and the judges are having to slog through more nominations than ever this year, so they're busy playing sheepdog. Reck already pulls triple duty as a judge and a writer lately.

Kison

: What if we just announce the winners and skip the flavor?

Flay

: I'm pretty sure we'd have a worse riot on our hands then than we did when we shut down F62. Wait... chamber did say he was working on some automation tools...

Kison

: How is that going to help the

Scummies

?

Flay

: Bear with me a moment. mith, where did you say you had rented this year?

mith

: Sydney Opera House.

Flay and Kison

: SERIOUSLY?

mith

: Yeah, do you know what time the Oscars are in Australia? I got it for a song. Counterprogramming at its finest.

Flay

: Okkkaaaay... well if we splice the feed directly into the camera and light system, I think we can simulate the presentation live while taping it ahead of time to avoid glitches. We can probably tape it in mid-February - no more last minute edits!

Kison

: How will you keep the presenters quiet about who won until the ceremony happens, or broadcasts, or whatever?

Flay

: That's the genius of it. If we combine chamber's automation with post masking, and use the Greybot from a couple of years ago, we don't have to have actual Scummers as presenters at all! Everything will be automated and synthetic, and therefore flawless.

Kison

: You can't be serious.

mith

: Whatever, I have to go pack for China. You guys figure it out.

Flay

: What could go wrong?

[Scummies]

[Scummies]

The afternoon of March 2nd, 2014: Raleigh-Durham International Airport

DrippingGoofball

: I don't understand. mith said he got a good deal on the Sydney Opera House, and then he charters an Airbus A380 to get everyone there?!?

quadz08

: I guess the new job is going alright for him.

Approximately 17 cars pull up in a caravan from PolyHaus, FagHaus, and points nearby. They easily fill up one side of the plane's window seats.

singersigner

: We're all here! Now where to?

Vi

: we've got the European contingent, the Missouri Mob, the the Kentucky Krew, and the West Coast Scummers... *taps shiny new phone* I think we just have to hop down to Florida to get Khan, esurio, JDodge, and anybody else down there before we fly to Sydney.

xRECKONERx

: Wouldn't it have made more sense to wrap up on the West Coast before going to Australia?

chamber

: yeah, but Orlando-Sydney turned out to be cheaper in the long run, and with time zones it actually made more sense to start by picking up RayFrost and Claus in Japan first... what can you do?

Untrod Tripod

: I thought you retired from being an admin, chamber?

chamber

: I did, I'm just helping out. All the Reds had to go down early to get things ready.

MeMe

: Rough life. Australia in February?

EspeciallyTheLies

: And we'll all be there soon!

Spoiler:

at the same time, in a shadowy locale

Voice 1:

Is everything ready?

Voice 2:

i told you it would be. our people are in place, and none of them suspect a thing.

Voice 3:

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOO FUCKKKKKKKKK YEAH![/area]

[Scummies]

March 2nd, 2014, 6:30am local time: Sydney

Flay

: *jawcracking yawn* Gah, I hate jetlag.

Kison

: When does the plane arrive?

Flay

: ...actually it should be touching down in about fifteen minutes. Anyway at least the show is in the can.

Kison

: I have to admit that worked pretty well. chamber's dialect-matching code was slick.

Flay

: He kinda scares me sometimes with the ideas he comes up with. He said it only took him about two hours to write that.

Kison

: It's not really that hard. All you have to do is index the posts table and hash it against the profile details for each user, then transpose it into an array and run a best-fit match against....

Flay

: *snore*

[Scummies]

Somewhere over the South Pacific, on board the plane

Om of the Nom is sitting next to Bert. One of the air stewardesses comes to them. She addresses Bert.

Stewardess: Hello, does your son want an in-flight activity pack?

Bert:

He’s not my son!

Om of the Nom: Yeah, no, not my dad... *shudders*

Stewardess: Oh, I’m so terribly sorry.

She turns to Om of the Nom.

Stewardess: So you’re travelling on your own today?

Om of the Nom:

Well, without my parents, yes

Stewardess:

Is this your first time?

Om of the Nom:

Are you trying to be patronising, or does it come naturally?

The stewardess is taken back and apologises. She goes to walk off.

Om of the Nom:

WAIT!

The stewardess turns.

Om of the Nom:

Can I please have an activity pack?

(cut to the cockpit)

Co-pilot: We’re approaching the island.

Voice 2

, on the radio: Prepare for phase three.

denisatp

, sitting in the copilot's seat: Isn’t this phase three?

Voice 2

: No, this was phase two. Phase one get them to the airport; phase two get them on the plane.

denisatp

: What about Kison and Flay getting to the ceremony?

Voice 2

: That wasn’t a phase, that was a given.

crypto

, in the pilot's seat: Guys, stop arguing, just get ready.

The stewardess enters the cockpit.

Kellysuxx

, taking off the stewardess hat: Is it phase three yet?

denisatp

: Let’s rock.

He puts away the radio and pulls a large bungee cord out of the glove box.

Kellysuxx

: I still don’t know how you fit that in there.

denisatp

: I'll show you later.

crypto

: Please, focus on the essentials.

denisatp ties the cord to the rear view mirror.

crypto

: I nearly had that thing removed, glad I didn’t now.

Kellysuxx walks out of the cockpit. denisatp secures himself to the other end of the bungee cord.

crypto

: This is an insane plan.

denisatp

: Thanks, I thought of it myself!

[Scummies]

(back in the passenger compartment)

Kellysuxx, stewardess hat firmly back in place, walks down the aisle past mcqueen, who is enjoying the in-flight movie. He looks up to see her.

mcqueen

: Is it time?

Kellysuxx

: It’s time.

mcqueen turns back and makes eye contact with abc, who is sitting a few rows behind and just in front of the port wing emergency exit.

abc takes a firecracker out of his bag and lights it, dropping it next to him.

As it sparks off, ArcAngel9 who is sitting next to the emergency exit leaps up screaming and opens it, screaming.

As the door flings open, ArcAngel9 is thrown out the window. The oxygen masks drop from the ceiling.

In the cockpit, crypto sees the warning flash up on his console, and jerks the plane into a nose dive. denisatp jumps on the windshield, breaking it. He falls out, and as the cord reaches full stretch he cuts the cord, so the fall is bearable. He lands in some trees as the plane lurches upward slightly, but is still in a downward descent.

In the plane there is a general panic.

crypto

, disguising his voice: Attention passengers, there seems to be a problem with just about every system on this plane, and we’re going to make what could loosely be called a 'landing'. I hope you all paid attention during the safety briefing.

The passengers stop screaming, look at each other, and shrug. Someone pulls out a deck of cards.

zoraster

: Okay, so the Aces are scum, the King is a Cop...

Xalxe

: Don't we have one of those MafiaScum^TM decks?

Everyone else looks at Xalxe blankly.

zoraster

: Oh, right, you're not in the Art Group. They're coming soon, I promise!

Back in the cockpit, crypto clicks the intercom off.

crypto

: Now where the hell did I put that flotation device...

Kellysuxx walks in on this, and raises an eyebrow.

(cut to outside of plane)

crypto exits the side cockpit window at a significant rate of speed. He appears to have a life vest tied around his head.

(cut back to cockpit)

Kellysuxx sits down at the controls and brings the nose up, skimming the tops of the trees as she kills the engines one by one.

Kellysuxx

: cutting it close...

The plane slams into the top of a tree, coconuts rattling off the hull. One coconut flies into an engine that wasn't quite stalled yet, and the noise is TREMENDOUS, like the Devil's Roulette Wheel coming to a violent stop. Flames belch out of the back of that engine.

Kellysuxx calmly secures her safety harness, then winces as she kicks her shin into the underside of the control panel hard once, twice.

The plane dips again, narrowly sliding through a gap in the trees that only tears off the tips of the wings. It shudders from end to end, and the nose plows into the sandy soil.


Scummers file out of the plane, some nursing bumps and bruises but remarkably few serious injuries.

saporovirus

: Good thing we helped ourselves to the complimentary drink cart! A mild buzz helps relax the muscles and probably stopped people from tensing up during the landing.

Majiffy

: Yeah, great. Where the shit ARE we?

A figure steps out of the trees, still shrouded in shadow.

Wisdom:

Is that...?

[Scummies]

9:22 AM: Sydney Opera House

Kison and Flay are sitting in the Opera House in a red-themed box seat. They look around, but nothing's changed; they're and are still alone.

Kison

: What time was the flight supposed to arrive, again?

Flay

: An hour and a half ago. It took off on time, I got a text saying everything was going according to schedule.

Kison

: I’m not an expert, but I look around and see significantly less people around than should’ve been on that plane.

Flay

: *yawning* The live band’s great, though.

Kison

: Oh, yeah, they’re brilliant. But I’m pretty sure that’s not the point of this ceremony. Check your phone again.

Flay

: ...just an email from mith wondering how the show is going. I think he's got his time zones confused again.

Kison

: yeah, well, don't answer it until we know more. No sense worrying him unnecessarily...

(down on stage)

The curtain opens slowly, revealing mith standing there in a tuxedo, gazing out over the nearly-empty seats.

Oman

: mith! I thought you weren't going to be able to make it, mate.

mith continues to stare out for several more seconds, then raises a hand vaguely in the direction of the Red box seat.

(in the box seat)

Kison

: oh,

shit

.

Flay

: no, wait... that's... crap, what time is it?

Kison

: *stares at Flay wildly* I don't know, 9:30?

Flay

: that's not mith.

(at the podium)

mith

: Thank you, thank you all for coming to the 11th Annual Scummies Award! I'm so pleased to have the ceremonies this year in the AMAZING Sydney Opera House, and to be able to have all of you join us. We were lucky enough to have a sponsorship deal come through with the airline, so I could afford to charter you all here.

Oman's date:

People sponsor Mafia? Isn't that kind of... well, wouldn't that look bad?

Oman:

nah, it's a very popular game, though not always under this name. I wouldn't be surprised if corporate boards play it occasionally.

Flay

: That's the Greybot. We forgot to delay the presentation.

[Scummies]

mith

: We've got a really great show for you this year, and I guarantee you no more surprises!

mithbot laughs for several seconds, then raises a hand again, waving unnecessarily for silence. DeasVail and Quilford look around for a moment at the scattering of other Aussies, and then chuckle politely.

Kison

: *draws a tablet from inside his tuxedo jacket and starts typing furiously* Where. Is. Everyone.

Flay

: I don't know, but should we stop it now? It'll ruin the illusion, if only for the handful who are actually here.

Kison

: Maybe we can get them drunk and they won't notice. *types some more* Plane telemetry says... Cook Islands?

Flay

: Airspeed? Maybe they got hung up in a storm.

Kison

: Airspeed, zero. Altitude... thirty-two metres? *reloads page* Thirty-two metres.

(on the Cook Islands)

Natirasha

: UberNinja. ReaperCharlie. Whatever. Seriously?

Jake from State Farm

: Apparently. He doesn't give up, does he?

CharlieUberReaperNinja

: SILENCE! *ahem* I mean, if you will allow me to explain my cunning plan.

Voice 2

, from behind CURN: Our plan.

CharlieUberReaperNinja

: Yes, our plan, though mostly mine. You handle logistics, I'm the idea man.

Voice 2

: whatever.

CharlieUberReaperNinja

: Any-way. *rolls eyes* You're here because I need your help turning MafiaScum DARK.

Vel-Rahn Koon

: You want to shut the site down? Was it you causing all the 504s lately?

CharlieUberReaperNinja

: No, idiot!

dark

as in

cool

. Edgy. We need a dark theme to attract more, better users to the site.

Lord Mhork

: I'm not edgy enough?

petapan steps out of the shadows, pushing up besides CURN.

petapan

: mith and his lackeys have become overbearing. banning for no reason, turning Normals into boring cookiecutter games. stifling free speech.

Tierce

: You got banned from epicmafia again, didn't you. You're doing this because you're

bored

.

(back at the Opera House)

mith

: So without further ado, let me call up the first presenters of the evening: Oversoul and Mehdi2277, to give out the

Kodak Moment

award.

Oversoul:

Hey. You guys may remember that we won this award last year as a hydra, Soul2277, for a great fakeclaim. I'm not even sure what a Kodak is.

Mehdi2277

: This year the winner is a little different. A player posted a video of themselves, well just take a look.

Oversoul:

The winner is...

ChannelDelibird

in

Red Wedding Mafia

!

---

CDB comes up on stage and accepts the award from the pair, then turns out to face the audience.

ChannelDelibird

: HI there! Thanks for giving me this award. Did you see my video? I bet you did. I'm certainly very grateful. Thanks, and good night.

All three exit stage right while Reck and UT step up on the left.

xRECKONERx

: Last year Gay Mafia won

Best Role

with the hilarious AIDS Infector. This year's winner is a little simpler and certainly less funny...

UT elbows Reck in the ribs behind the podium.

Untrod Tripod

: The judges chose the winner for 2013 due to it being more flexible and useful in a wider variety of games. So the winner is:

the Nanny/Babysitter in

N

's

'Notably Narcissistic Nonsensical Namesake' Mafia

---

N comes up to the stage, bouncing on his heels as he comes up to the mike.

N:

Neat! Never expected to win this one! Now I hope you'll all join my next game. Never can tell what I'll put in next, can you? *winks* Night-night!

(in the balcony)

Flay

: Okay, so maybe the algorithm needs a little work.

Magua steps up to the stage.

Magua

: Carrying on the torch of

Best Flavor

flavor writing is not easy. It's also not often that a new moderator picks up this award for their first game, but that's what our winner did. The judges loved the flavor and theme of this game, when an Open can often look pretty bare-bones. This year's winner for the Paperback Writer award, fittingly, is:

uctriton00

, for

Open 507: The Case of the Hard Boiled Egg

---

uctriton00

: I really appreciate this - the game was a lot of fun to run and to write. I look forward to running more in the future!

mith

: And that concludes the first batch of awards - in just a few moments we'll be bringing up the second set, but first a look back at the past year...

[Scummies]

On the Cook Islands

xRECKONERx

: This sucks.

zoraster

: I've still got cards...

Thor665

: Look, Uber...Charlie. Reaper. What are we supposed to call you?

CharlieUberReaperNinja

: How About Dark Overlord and Master?

Thor665

: How about RC?

CharlieUberReaperNinja:

I AM NOT REAPER CHARLIE! *twitch*

RedCoyote

: Oh, this won't be confusing at all...

Nobody Special

and

notscience

: You have no idea.

CharlieUberReaperNinja:

Will you settle for Dark Lord?

kuribo

: I'll show you Dark Lord... I'll stuff your head where it's so dark you'll grow eyes like a bloody lemur!

Suddenly abc, crypto, mcqueen, Timeater, Nero, and denisatp emerge from the forest, surrounding the group with some nasty-looking weapons straight out of Buck Rogers. kuribo is zapped and falls down, still frothing at the mouth.

AngryPidgeon

: What are those things?

Kellysuxx

, still in disguise as the stewardess: uhm guys? maybe we should do what they say... I mean, a dark theme would be cool, wouldn't it? and we could get all the old users back... it'd be just like the old times!

Desperado:

...wait, who are you? I don't recognize you.

Kellysuxx:

*flips her hair* You don't? I'm Orbiting, Flay's girlfriend.

RachMarie

: *squints at Kelly* Don't you mean wife? I'm sure he said he was married.

Kellysuxx:

Well, we prefer "partner". It's more equal and stuff.

Back at the Sydney Opera House

The next group of presenters arrives on stage, featuring zoraster, hitogorshi, and Tierce.

zoraster

: Last year, I won this next award with the awesomeness of Always On Mafia! That mechanic might not hold a candle to this year's winner... so I'm proud to present the

"Grr, Arg" award for Best Mechanic or Mutation

to...

OhGodMyLife

for

Mind Reader Mafia

"This setup was centered around the role of the mind reader, who got access to everyone's personal QT and was known to be in the game and thus confirmed town." - Nachomamma8

"Mind Reader all the way. Class of its own." - Untrod Tripod

---

OGML runs up on stage and flashes a smile to the empty crowd.

OhGodMyLife

: Wow! Thank you all so, so much! I can't believe this... I'm honored! I didn't have a speech prepared, but thank you, thank you, thank you!

He waves to the empty room and walks off stage. Oman looks around, raising an eyebrow.

hitogoroshi steps up to the microphone next.

hitogoroshi:

I'm very proud to be presenting this next award. Best Setup tends to attract a wide range of nominees... from crazy theme games to well-designed normals, we get them all! Usually we see some kind of craziness take home the gold, but this year, I'm proud to present the

"Rube Goldberg" Award for Best Setup

to...

Nexus

for

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

"It wasn't some super complex game, but it went against expectations enough that the players playing it never felt cheated by the setup - but instead good play was rewarded." - Faraday

"HP is is a very good setup with a pinch of flavor." - SpyreX

---

Nexus walks up on stage and graciously accepts his Scummie.

Nexus

: Wow, you know, I had some competition and I didn't really think people would pay much mind to a little simple setup with no crazy roles in it! I think it goes to show that MafiaScum is still able to recognize the beauty in the mundane. Thank you all so much!

Oman lets out a whoop as Nexus walks off to the backstage area.

Flay

: Okay, so far, so good, I guess.

Kison

: This is running perfectly! I'm still a little worried about the others, though...

Tierce now approaches the podium.

Tierce

: The Smooth Operator award is not just about one thing... it's about all of the things that make a good moderator. Timeliness is one, creativity is another, dedication is yet another. And this year's recipient certainly exemplifies all of those areas. It is my honor to announce that the winner of the

Smooth Operator Award for Excellent Moderation

is...

Equinox

"She is a literal machine." - Lady Lambdadelta

"She is great as a mod and I've played one of her Micros where she was excellent with vote counts and flavor writing and was one of the few people whose flavor I actually read and enjoyed." - F-16_Fighting_Falcon

---

Equinox runs up on stage and gives Tierce a hug. She brushes her hair out of her eyes and takes a deep breath.

Equinox

: Wow! You know, to win this award once is great enough, but to win it a second time? I just can't even imagine this... I had some really tough competition and I think either borkjerkin or Magua would've made wonderful winners as well. Thank you all!

She gracefully steps away from the podium and gives a bigger wave as she walks away. Over behind the curtains, Flay and Kison are starting to breathe a little.

Flay

: This might be our smoothest Scummies yet!

Kison

: I know! Maybe we should just replace everyone with robots all the time...

Flay:

This is gonna be our LAST Scummies if we don't get some users back. Let's go while the Aussies are enjoying the cash bar...

[Scummies]

(On the Cook Islands)

mastin2

: ...and in summary, that's why I think we should rush the group of them, disarm them, and get back on track to Sydney.

fferyllt

: It's possible you've failed to notice that they have

all the guns

in this setup. We have a deck of cards, seventeen packets of peanuts, and two airline blankets. This is worse than 2:11 Mountainous!

Eden:

Yeah, but statistically there's several hundred of us, and only six of them. Any competent town ought to be able to overwhelm them in seconds, although we might lose a few first.

callforjudgement

: After you.

The banned users zap several more users, leaving several of those who were looking at them twitching and drooling on the sand.

Kellysuxx

: See? They're too smart for us.

petroleumjelly

: Y'know, it's been a while but I thought Orbiting had shorter hair...

tanstalas

: Nah I checked on FB. Sometimes she wears wigs.

petroleumjelly

: You have Orbiting friended on FB?

tanstalas

: ...

CharlieUberReaperNinja

: Hey now! If you kill all the users, who will we play games with?

petapan

: shut up. there are plenty of users out there, we don't need all of these losers.

Back at the Opera House

Cogito Ergo Sum, The Fonz, and Nachomamma8 saunter out onto the stage.

Cogito Ergo Sum

: When looking at Best Replacement, the judges consider who positively impacted the games they replaced into... and this year, there was a near unanimous decision! I'm pleased to give the

"White Knight" Award for Best Replacement

to...

Cabd

!

---

Cabd

"As for what replacement you really really want to come in when your game is in trouble, it's Cabd" - Nachomamma8

"Cabd for me is the winner here, given that not only does he replace into games having read them, but his ability to read so many different games means he's almost always available to replace." - Lady Lambdadelta

---

Cabd takes the award and then just walks off stage without giving a speech.

Cogito Ergo Sum

: Ahh, a man of few words. I can respect that!

The Fonz

: You know what I can respect, CES?

Cogito Ergo Sum

: What's that, Fonz?

The Fonz

: People who post well thought out things in Mafia Discussion!

Cogito Ergo Sum

: That's one hell of a segue, Fonz!

The Fonz

: This year, I'm very happy to announce the the winner of the

"Professor Mafia" Award for Best Contribution to Mafia Discussion and/or the Wiki

is...

hitogoroshi for his Thoughts on Setup Design

!

---

Thoughts on Setup Design

"I I think his post is awesome." - zoraster

"In addition to having created a strong MD thread for moderators (albeit one which mainly benefits a specific type of game, themes), read his posting history over the last year when it comes to MD. They're not very frequent, but almost every single post he makes is worth having been posted." - mastin2

---

hito walks up on stage to accept his award and stands at the podium.

hitogoroshi

: You know, dudes, I had no idea that some little pet project of mine would turn into winning Scummies gold! Aww yeah, this is awesome! Thanks a billion!

hitogoroshi throws a celebratory fist in the air and scutters offstage. There's a moment of silence as CES and Fonz stare at Nacho.

Nachomamma8

: Oh, what, so Fonz gets help with a segue and I don't?

CES and Fonz blink at him a couple of times.

Nachomamma8

: Oh, fine. I'm up here to present the award for Best IC, and it shouldn't come as a surprise. This guy is nominated every year and my previous year as the reinging winner just means I have the honor of returning the Scummie to its home. So without further adieu, the

"Jedi Knight" Award for Best IC Player

is...

Thor665

!

---

Thor665

"It's hard to get a gauge on who is best IC since newbie games are not at all read that often, but Thor's IC games are some of the only other newbie games that I've actually read and enjoyed! His style is great for teaching newbies how to lead a bit, gain confidence in reads, play logically; he is always extremely willing to breakdown his play and why he's doing what he's doing. He's also an incredibly consistent player, which is important in IC games, I think: yes, everyone has off games, but it's good to give newbies great first impressions and Thor's off games are generally when he is investigated early as scum or when he is wrecked by great newbie scumteams." - Nachomamma8

---

Thor hits the stage and raises his trophy high in the air.

Thor665

: Arrr! I'm so smurfin' happy to have this award again! I smurfin' love the smurf out of helping newbies, and I'm pretty smurfin' excited to be able to contribute to the community in such a way! Excelsior!

Generic saxophone music plays as Thor and the three presenters follow him offstage as well.

(somewhere in Sydney)

Flay

: How are we going to get to the frakking Cook Islands? Boat?

Kison

: Wait, why weren't there any Kiwis in the audience?

Flay

: What? *yawn*

Kison

: Kiwis, New Zealanders. We must have a couple...JDGA, I think. And RichardGHP maybe?

Flay

: Helifino. Don't we have more important things to worry about, like where the other 95% of the forum is?!?

Just then, a boat pulls into the harbor with three Scummers in it.

Kiwieagle:

Sorry we're late! Border customs was a little cranky this early in the morning... why are you guys outside?

Kison

: Is the plot always this convenient?

Flay

: Usually it's worse. Hop on!

[Scummies]

The next presenters are already on stage when the cameras cut to the main room of the Opera House.

GuyNamedRiggs

: When I won this last year, I didn't know what to say. Now, looking at this year, while this winner had some stiff competition from Empking, there's no denying that she deserves this award! I'm proud to present the

"Hannibal Lecter" Award for Best Third Party Performance

to...

DrippingGoofball for her play as Nicolas Cage, the 1-Shot Semi-Janitor Rolethief Bulletproof Serial Killer in Gay Mafia II

!

---

Gay Mafia II: Harder, Thicker, Longer

"She managed to take out the town vig, the scum governor, and the mafia redirector all the while never getting hit by a block or investigate or actually anything. She was never targeted throughout the game because she managed to stay just sidelined enough not to make a scene...I just think both players played quite impressively and DGB had a vast array of dicks flying at her face while she did it." - xRECKONERx

---

DGB runs up on stage and gives Riggs a big hug.

DrippingGoofball

: Ooooh! My goodness, I am so thrilled with this win! Thank you all so much! I want to invite each and every one of you to my house in Canada and we'll have some celebratory pie and cobbler! I'll make hundreds of them, and then we can all sit around and pray to the Scummie I'm going to have mounted in the floor in the center of my living room! Thanks!

She pops off stage and bobbles off behind the curtains. Now, Faraday steps up to the microphone.

Faraday:

Oi'm pure pleased ter be up 'ere an' presentin' de most enjoy'ble player award ter a player oi fend most enjoy'ble. Dis guy is a rayle trate ter play wi' an' oi 'ighly recommend doin' so if yer git de chance. So, ehm, de

"Miss Congeniality" Award fer Most Enjoy'ble Player

is...

Magua

!

---

Magua

"Not only does he replace into long, sloggy games, but he manages to inject new life into them and make them truly fun." - Tierce

"It's always just pleasant to play with him and I don't think he even tries to be enjoyable, he just IS." - xRECKONERx

---

Magua bounds up the stage and scoops up his award.

Magua

: Thank you, valued customers, for bestowing the HIGHEST HONOR KNOWN TO MAN on me! This is truly an accomplishment I will likely never match for years to come! Allons-y!

He does a pirouette and then bounds offstage. MattP steps up next.

MattP

: I've been gone for awhile and haven't had as much time to stick around, but I just wanna say I'm truly happy that I get a chance to present this next award. To be honest, I was expecting this win to happen last year in my place, but better late than never! The

"Rising Star" Award for Most Up-and-Coming Player

is...

Empire

!

---

Empire

"He excels at thorough analysis of players, games and their meta, and can sway people to vote for his scumreads through logical arguments. And when he plays in hydras, Empire is a power in his own right." - Empire

"[Empire's] meta shit was spot-on for one of the Sixty Heads (IIRC) in Blag Flag Nightless. He does good work." - Voidedmafia

---

Empire wanders up stage and he takes the award from MattP.

Empire

: Hey guys! Thanks for the award! I just wanna say that I'm honored to be recognized in this way and I hope to continue getting better! Hopefully I won't leave the site immediately after winning this award like all the previous winners have done... haha! Peace!

He throws up two fingers and walks away with the presenters.

(somewhere in the South Pacific)

Kison

: GPS says we're getting close to the plane.

RichardGHP:

Maybe where that giant plume of smoke is up ahead?

Flay

: Seems reasonable.

Kiwieagle:

What are we going to do when we get there? There's like... five of us. And no offense, but being a site admin doesn't count for much against pirates or terrorists or whatever.

dymyshotgun:

Well, I've got a shotgun.

Everyone

: ...

drmyshotgun:

What?

Kison

: You were bringing a shotgun to the Scummies?

dymyshotgun:

No, just to Australia. Have you seen the spiders they have there?!?

Everyone

: Good point.

On the Cook Islands

Yosarian2:

I have a theory.

Everyone:

Yosarian2:

...can I maybe finish first?

TheIrishPope:

Sorry, got carried away.

Yosarian2:

Okay, so, Charlie. Uber. Whatever. How about we settle this with a nice game of Mafia?

CharlieUberReaperNinja:

What, us against you?

petapan:

That's idiotic. We have all the power here.

CharlieUberReaperNinja:

Wait, I want to hear this.

Yosarian2:

One game. We win, you help us go back to the mainland. You win, we help you get unbanned. The Discussion Mods are here, even if the Reds aren't.

Vi

:

That's [censored] idiotic.

petapan:

That's ... *glares at Vi* What setup?

A huddle of Scummers gathers together. Night falls. Dawn rises.

ChannelDelibird

: Greaterest Idea?

Everyone:

YES!

[Scummies]

Back in the Sydney Opera House

Quilford:

Uhhh, DV?

DeasVail:

Yah?

Quilford:

Has it occurred to you as odd that all the winners are coming out from backstage, and not from the audience?

DeasVail:

...huh. Now that you mention it, they are. And all the presenters, too. Maybe they have a better bar back there.

Oman's date:

*perks up* Let's go find out!

On the stage, mith takes the podium.

mith

: Before we get to our final group of awards, we'd like to take a moment to honor the other games that the site hosts: The Mish Mash!

mith bows out of the way, and Xalxe steps up to the podium. He has to adjust the mike three times before getting it to where he wants it.

Xalxe:

The 'Mashies' have never taken off (yet!) as a separate award structure, but as the new Janitor of TWSOGMM I feel it's important to recognize that good quality games go on in the non-Mafia side as well. Last year, of course, the illustrious Planet MafiaScum took our first

Mashtermind

award easily. But this year we have another game worthy of recognition, the nomination of which speaks for itself. The winner of this year's Best Mish Mash Game goes to....

Ether

(as Telephone Cat) for

Telephone Pictionary: Asynchronous Transfer Mode

"PYC and Telephone Pictionary games have been running on the site for quite a while, but Ether took it to a whole new level. Running such a game with 20 players (each with their own chain) is a significant undertaking in itself (hell, just modding the last two games got her nominated last year), but making the rounds asynchronous was a massive undertaking which couldn't have worked out any better. Letting the chains progress as soon as the next player in them is ready made the chains flow much better, and the game far more enjoyable. Most impressively, she kept on top of it near-perfectly throughout as far as I can tell. I can't speak for the other players, but I rarely went for more than a few hours without a new assignment. And when you consider that all of this has to be planned and figured out in advance, then kept up to date pretty much constantly, and adapted as players screw up on their end of the deal, I can't think of anything which better fits the word 'outstanding'." -izakthegoomba

---

On the Cook Islands

petapan

:

That's genius! Why couldn't you play this when I was around?

CharlieUberReaperNinja

:

...yeah, it's pretty cool. Could be

dark

er though.

Yosarian2:

So are we agreed? One game, 193 players. 8 scum.

Malakittens:

I think it would be more balanced if we had 194. We could wake MeMe up...

Kellysuxx:

No, she looks tired, let her sleep.

Ms Marangal:

Anybody want to hydra?

Who:

Yes! Wait, how would that work in FTF?

Ms Marangal:

Oh, right.

fuzzybutternut:

Does anybody hear that? It sounds like... a boat?

[Scummies]

On a boat in the South Pacific

Flay

Does anybody hear that? It sounds like... a boat?

At the Opera House

Oman

: Hello? Anybody here?

Oman's date: It's creepy how quiet they can be... there must be forty or fifty people back here.

Oman

: Yeah, anybody who plays Face-to-Face gets pretty good at not making noise when they move.

They round a corner, and look out onto the empty stage.

Xalxe

's disembodied voice: The winner of this year's Best Mish Mash Game goes to....

Oman

: What the hell?

On the Cook Islands

Equinox

: Cards are out. Everybody go to sleep.

abc

: Why do you get to moderate the game? I should get to mod! I HAVE A GUN!

Nero shoots abc with the futuristic pistol.

Nero:

god what a retard.

Equinox

: Okay we need a replacement real fast.

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW comes running out of the forest.

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW:

i'll do it!

Equinox

: Uhhhh, no thanks. Anybody else?

talah:

yo.

Equinox

: *passes card to talah* Good enough. Time for sleep...

On a boat in the South Pacific

Kison

Just around that atoll we should see the plane. Hopefully some of them are still alive.

As the boat swings past the corner of the island, they see the plane, as well as a large grey metal ship bristling with guns.

Flay

NOW what?

[Scummies]

Back in Sydney, Oman and the other Aussies are now running up a serious tab at the bar.

Drench:

Screw it, if the presenters aren't real, and the awards aren't real, then the drinks probably aren't real either. No hangover!

Everyone toasts to this, completely ignoring the stage after all the bizarre events of the evening. That is until petapan takes the stage.

Quilford:

oi mate, washn't he bannneded?

Oman:

Yeah, sho was crypto, couple of times. And Reaper...Ninja...whatever. They all sheem to want to come back.

petapan

: Evening, lovely audience! I am here to present the award for the biggest bastard on the site... you know, the one who can lie better than anyone else, will backstab and deceive you, and won't stop short of killing everyone you know and love! The pool was big this year and deciding on just one of the possible nominees to win was no easy feat... but we've reached a decision! The winner for the

"Don Corleone" Award for Most Cunning Manipulator

is...

zMuffinMan

!

---

Muffin's play in Touhou Imperishable Night

"In the two times i have played with him as scum, he has been pretty much universally townread by all." - Mac

"In the Death's Diner game, he actually replaced into a suspicious slot that was already up for lynch, was the leading bandwagon for a while and argued his way out of it so thoroughly that he was never really suspected again." - fferyllt

---

zMuffinMan runs up on stage to accept his award.

zMuffinMan

: Oh man, I won!? Holy crap! I've been around this place for like three years and didn't think I'd suddenly get noticed but this is amazing! Big shout out to the other strong contenders for the award, like Lady Lambdadelta and Nachomamma8 and oh I know I'm forgetting so many... but yeah, thanks a ton!

He shouts with glee and buzzes off the stage, leaving room for Regfan to step up to the microphone.

Regfan

: I'm here to present two awards tonight, and the first is for the person that best represents what it means to be good at the game of mafia. This winner is a force to be reckoned with that can decimate entire scumteams in one fell swoop and a couple good lynches. This year, I have the honor of presenting the

"Paragon of Mafia Hunters" Award for Best Mafia Catcher

to

Llamarble

!

---

Llamarble's play in /in-vitational 12

"Basically, he's hard to lynch, accurate, confident, and assertive. He gets it right far more often than not and almost always gets his target lynched." - Empire

"It's been a couple years since I've played with him (and he was really good then). He's clearly only gotten better since." - chkflip

---

Llamarble bounds up the stage and takes the award. He approaches the microphone and smiles, only offering one muttered under-his-breath word.

Llamarble

: ...thanks.

Regfan steps back up the microphone.

Regfan

: Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention... as a Paragon winner, you'll now join the very exclusive secret Paragons-only forum that nobody else can access! We can't really talk about what goes on there publicly, but let's just say the Illuminati don't have anything on us! Err...

He stares off into space for a moment, then visibly recollects himself.

Regfan

: And now on to the next award! While Paragon awards a single player for being great, this next award gives praise to that one town team this year that absolutely knocked it out of the park. We had a bunch of really close competitors... I'm looking at you, town teams of Author Mafia and Hunterxhunter Mafia... but in the end, there could only be one! I'm proud to give

"The Untouchables" Award for Best Pro-Town Team Performance

to...

The Town of Perpetual Mylo Mafia

"Perpetual Mylo is pretty impressive, it's basically a sweep for town without any power roles." - Faraday

"Holy sh*t." - Mr. Flay

---

Wisdom, AdoboNation, GuyInFreezer, TheIrishPope, Metal Sonic, sangres, and Mutleyddmc all come up on stage and accept their trophies one by one from Regfan. After the parade is done, kanyeknowsbest steps up to the microphone.

kanyeknowsbest

: hi ppl, im up hre 2 giv the scumy 4 the maf team who did the best job. and the winnars of the

"Murder, Inc." Award for Best Scum Group Performance

is...

The Mafia

of

Sabotage Mafia

"Holy shit, they pulled off the mindfuck of the century. When gambits work, they're stunning to see, and this one was legendary." - xRECKONERx

"That is a ballsy as shit move that paid off in spades." - SpyreX

"In a role madness game where the town had a fair amount of power, they managed to dodge all of it, even at the end. I think this nomination was well earned." - AngryPidgeon

---

EspeciallyTheLies and BROseidon come up on stage to accept their award.

EspeciallyTheLies

: Wow wow wow!! Thank you all so much! But I wouldn't have been able to do it without an awesome scumbuddy who was willing to suicide himself so I could win.

BROseidon

: Hey now, it's easy to be the one who goes down first. You're the one that had to make it work, but I had faith in you. Thanks again!

The two of them leave the stage. zoraster steps up to present the final award.

zoraster

: It's my honor to present our final award of the evening. When a game hits it out of the park, it's a beautiful thing. The winners of this award are the games that go down in history as the ones people will remember for a long, long time. That being said, I'm proud to announce that the winners of the

"Players' Choice" Award for Most Enjoyable Game

is...

borkjerkin & players

for

Xenoblade Mafia

"even though town lost, all 3 teams played very well imo and the game was modded very very well with really good flavour." - pirate mollie

"I was reading along for quite a bit, I loved every bit of the game, I wanted oh SO badly to actually be a part of the game, because I knew just how memorable it was, how fun it'd be to be a player in a game which was turning out to be that epic." - mastin2

---

As the stream of players and bork make their way onto the stage, the Aussies notice again that something is happening.

JDGA:

Woo! *throws popcorn onto the stage*

Oman:

Looking good! So lifelike!

Quilford:

Is it over yet?

On the Cook Islands

petapan:

what. is. that?

CharlieUberReaperNinja:

I think it's a ship.

petapan barely restrains the urge to shoot him.

CharlieUberReaperNinja:

Is that a Chinese flag?

Near the Cook Islands

Flay

: Is that...

On the Chinese warship

mith

: Looks like you all could use a little help.

Flay

: Do I even want to ask, boss?

mith

: I started reading the ceremony on my phone, but things didn't seem quite right. So I asked a friend to check on the registration of the charter jet, and guess who it came back as?

Kison

: Reaper...Ninja...Alien...whatever?

mith

: Yup. So I told my friend where a good place to run exercises might be this weekend, while the Brits were busy watching the American Oscars...

Flay

: So now what?

mith

: Time for a Daykill.

[Scummies]

Scummies Steering Committee

Faraday
xRECKONERx
zoraster
AGar

Ceremony Writers

AcRv
Mr. Flay
xRECKONERx

helped by

Untrod Tripod
Nachomamma8
Voidedmafia
Quilford

Judges

Umbrage
F-16_Fighting_Falcon
Venmar
GuyInFreezer
PrivateI
DeathRowKitty
Epeonage
Lady Lambdadelta
Nexus

[Cabd]

Yay fancy animations for my name~


Thanks to everyone who helped judge. I know how big of a read those games were, heh.

[xRECKONERx]

Big thanks to Flay and AcRv for working with me to do the writing. Flay and I basically spent eight hours today trying to get this ceremony done.

[xRECKONERx]

Oh and I'm working with Buttons now on getting updated scummies banners for everyone so stay tuned!

[TheButtonmen]

Everyone but BROseidon, Cabd, CDB and DGB should have their scummies by this point, those on that list will need to wait until people draw pretty pictures for me.

[N]

yay uncontested award!

[Mr. Flay]

Not true, there was at least one other candidate.

[N]

yay semi-contested award!

[pieguyn]

well shit so much for my hope at winning smth based on replacing in at the last day after 358 pages

congrats everyone who won \:D/

[xtopherusD]

Can't help but notice i didn't get any screen ti-

the other Aussies

Hey, I'll take it!

Congrats, everybody - the winners, the nominees, the judges, the writers. Takes commitment. You did good.

[BROseidon]

I'm impressed by the amount of work that everyone involved did. Good job all, this is a great read. Also, grats to all the winners!