The 2014 Scummies (CEREMONY)

[Scummies]

Coming shortly...

[Scummies]

The scene opens on a flickering neon sign. The words "Untrod Tripod's Saloon" flicker in neon lighting as the room rumbles to life with a low murmur.

UT slings a towel over his shoulder and turns to the counter, where Regfan has walked up.

Untrod Tripod

: "What'll it be?"

Regfan eyeballs the shelves of liquor behind him.

Regfan

: "Hmm... you have anything besides bourbon?"

UT steps back, jaw agape, flabbergasted.

Untrod Tripod

: "Excuse me? You don't need anything besides bourbon. Bourbon is life. I can make you... let's see..."

UT strokes his nonexistent beard in thought.

Untrod Tripod

: "I can make you a classic old fashioned. Oh, and also an old fashioned using blood oranges. And an old fashioned using lemon wedges. And an old fashioned using pear slices. And an old fashioned..."

UT drones off as the camera spins around at the sound of a loud noise to find Tammy slamming a shot glass down on the table.

Tammy

: "WOOOOOOOOOO! Wooo! Let's go, let's do another!"

N

: "Tammy, are you sure..."

Tammy

: "I'm a grown ass woman, I can handle myself! Come on, Psyche, let's go get another shot!"

Psyche

: (muttering) "I guess. I dunno. Life is just so, whatever, I guess."

Psyche sighs and follows Tammy off to the bar. N quickly wanders away from the table to a booth in the corner, where an old man is sleeping.

N

: "Hello?"

The old man doesn't respond. N pokes him a bit, and the man sits up, flinging his long hair around.

Mr. Flay

: "Wha--whosit? What?"

Flay stares around for a moment and grabs the half-drunk glass of whiskey in front of him. He slams it back, then waves N away.

Mr. Flay

: "I'm retired, don't bother me."

Faraday walks up to the corner, joining the duo.

Faraday

: "Flay, de awards ceremony is the-nite! Yer are de wan who is supposed ter oversee it. Waaat are we supposed ter chucker in yisser place?"

Flay stares at Faraday for a moment, trying to understand his sheep language, and shrugs.

Mr. Flay

: "Hell if I know. Find some poor soul with no life and a weird, thankless obsession with the Scummies to handle it in my place."

Faraday and N glance at each other, then both simultaneously turn towards the far end of the bar.

Faraday

: "Ohhh Reeeeck..."

---

Back at the bar, Majiffy and AngryPidgeon are sitting on stools, sipping their brown bourbon.

Majiffy

: "I heard mith is married now!"

AngryPidgeon

: "Yeah, so I hear... that would explain why he just wandered off! I hope Thesp and zor can handle it, but I mean, this place is pretty chill... hopefully this is a sign of things to come."

A fresh-faced youth walks up to the bar and smiles through his braces.

Newbie

: "One alcohol, please!"

UT scowls at the youngster.

Untrod Tripod

: "Have your balls even dropped yet, son?"

The newbie goes red in the face and gesticulates wildly back to the corner.

Newbie

: "Oh, no sir, it's not for me! It's for Princess Mina!"

UT looks back to a corner booth where Mina sits, her feet rested on a poor newbie's back while two other newbies brush her hair.

Untrod Tripod

: "Uhh...

Princess

Mina?"

Majiffy shoots a look towards AngryPidgeon as the crowd begins to applaud for the first set of awards.

Untrod Tripod:

Oh Regfan! I made this new drink called Ego that I think you'll like.

[Scummies]

DEEP VOICED ANNOUNCER

: "Please welcome our first group of presenters... ChannelDelibird, OhGodMyLife, and uctriton00!"

The audience applauds the appropriately professional amount as the three guys walk up to to the podium in their Sunday's best. CDB clears his throat and leans towards the microphone.

ChannelDelibird

: "There are several moments each year that warm our hearts. They're the moments that we continue to talk about for years to come; the ones we sit around with our friends and laugh about over and over again. The Most Memorable Moment award helps us honor those moments... and the finalists are:

Antihero

for

losing his mind in Dark Age of the Law Mafia

...

~Jordan` and hiplop

for

trolling during LyLo in Graveyard Shift Mafia

... and finally,

N

for

pretending to break his thumb in Micro 339: Disney Princess Mafia

. And the Kodak Moment award for Most Memorable Moment goes to..."

N for breaking his thumb in Micro 339: Disney Princess Mafia

"...downright hilarious..." - TierShift

N runs up on stage and accepts his award, leaning into the mic.

N

: "Now nobody knows niceties nearly..."

Before the alliteration machine can get going, OGML steps in front of him.

OhGodMyLife

: "Right! So, uh, last year, I won this award for coming up with a crazy new twist on the game of mafia. This award is for the person who can come up with the best new role or craziest mechanic or just general mutation on the game of mafia. These are the crazy inventors, the people who keep everything from becoming too stale. This year's nominees are...

FakeGod

for the

lovers' dance mechanic

...

Natirasha

for the

CO Power mechanic in Advance Wars Mafia

... and

Venmar

for

Left 4 Dead's zombie horde mechanic

. All three great nominees, but there can only be one winner. The Mad Scientist award for Best Mutation goes to..."

FakeGod for his lover's dance mechanic

"Really just a simple but brilliant twist on the game." - xRECKONERx

"FakeGod, however, has implemented lovers in a good way." - Cheery Dog

FakeGod runs up on stage to accept his award.

FakeGod

: "Thanks, everyone. But really, I created this dance mechanic as a way to get someone to pay attention to me... someone I've wanted to ask to dance with me for awhile..."

He bends down on one knee and stretches his arms out to the audience.

FakeGod

: "DGB... may I take your hand in marriage?"

Someone stands up and shouts loudly.

kuribo

: "What in the HOLY HELL is this about? You two have been CHEATING on me!?"

People start to shout and yell. kuribo steps out of his seat and begins to charge down the aisle towards the stage, but is intercepted by security. FakeGod bolts off the stage with his award in hand. After the murmurs settle down, uctriton00 steps up.

uctriton00

: "Anyway... now, we have the award for best flavor. Modding is a thankless job, and perhaps writing flavor is the most thankless part of it. Most people won't even bother to read the flavor! But here at the Scummies, we don't let your work go unrecognized. Plenty of mods put hours of work into their games to ensure that even one person can read it and enjoy it... and this year, we have narrowed it down to three finalists. They are...

saulres

for

Micro 297: You Picky Bastards

...

uctriton00

(tee hee) for

Open 560: Tit for Tat

... and finally,

Untrod Tripod

for

Graveyard Shift Mafia

. The Paperback Writer award for Best Flavor goes to...

Untrod Tripod for Graveyard Shift Mafia

"It's possible that you want to save reading the Critic's iso for when you're in a bad mood so that you can be reminded that there is something good out there in the world." - Psyche

"Graveyard Shift is by far the most hilarious of the games I've read. The scenes, roles and the flips were all funny and I didn't get tired of any of reading the game at any point." - Zar

UT walks out from backstage and casually grabs the trophy, pausing at the podium for a brief moment.

Untrod Tripod

: "Also, cocks."

He leaves, and the three presenters exit stage right.

[Scummies]

NOTSCIENCE:

Hello! Is this your first awards ceremony?

A man about 22 in thick rimmed glasses and brown hair looks up.

NEWBIE:

Was I that obvious? Yeah, I've never done anything of this sort before so I guess I was just looking for someone to take me through it, I guess? I don't know where I'm supposed to sit, I don't know if I'm dressed improperly and I don't really know anyone here but it seems like everyone knows each other.

Notscience smiles.

NOTSCIENCE:

Yeah, that's normal: I definitely felt that way my first time trying to navigate all of the bright lights and people dressed in suits. Luckily for you, the new Newbie List Mod Mina has created a crash course for newbies to the awards shows! It's on your left in about 20 yards and it's full of people in the same exact situation that you are now: they don't know anyone and they're not sure where to start meeting people but they do want to commit more time to the site in general. I can take you there if you'd like, it's starting soon and I was just on my way there now!

NOTSCIENCE and NEWBIE walk into a giant tunnel, surrounded by screens lit up with Mina's smiling face.

MINA RECORDING:

Hello! I am Mina, I am your Newbie List Mod! This means that I am the person who is supposed to make your transition onto the site as smooth as possible. It also means that you can come to me with anything about the site that bothers or worry you and I will do the best to make everything as comfortable and familiar as possible: mafiascum will be your new family if you'll allow us to!

NOTSCIENCE and NEWBIE eventually come to a massive room with a large table in the center. Notscience sits on a high chair on one end of the table, NEWBIE takes the only open spot on his left. A woman on the other end of the table spins around in her chair and smiles at the new arrivals.

MINA:

Hello, newbies! Mina's crash course on Mafiascum is a short program designed to get you invested in the site as quickly as possible: it's something that the new admins made mandatory in order for newbies to enter the awards show, but I've tried to make it as informative and entertaining as possible all while keeping it relatively short. If there is anything you'd like to change about the program or your introduction in general, let me know! I'm always listening.

The lights in the room go dark, and there's a soft whirring as virtual reality helmets descend from the ceilings onto each newbie's head. The helmets attach themselves, and then the program begins and Mina's smiling virtual face is again in front of every newbie's face.

MINA RECORDING:

Hello! I am Mina. You can trust me. I will listen to you. I care about you. I do not make mistakes. I am perfect. I am Mina. I am your leader. What I ask you to do is for your own good. I only have your best interests in mind. I am good. I am Mina. I am to be trusted.

The screen goes dark, replacing the image of Mina with the images of zoraster and Thesp with red eyes and evil grins.

ZORASTER RECORDING:

I am Zoraster. This is Thesp. We want to destroy you. The only thing that protects you from us is Mina, who we hate. You can not trust us. We want to destroy you. We are bad. We will not help you. We hate you. You are bad. You are nothing. We will crush you if you stray from Mina's protection. You will die if you stray from Mina's protection.

Again the images fade and are replaced with random mafiascum users that all continue to chant the same thing.

MAFIASCUM RECORDING:

We are MafiaScum. We are your enemies. We will wipe you out. We will crush your dreams. We will squash your hopes. We will kill your family. We will kill your brothers and sisters. We will destroy everything you love. We will betray you at our quickest opportunity. We are bad. We are darkness. We are evil.

Images go to black, there is a moment of silence. Mina's face again fills the screen.

MINA RECORDING:

I am Mina. I will protect you from this evil, but there is a price. I am your leader. I only ask you to do things for your own good. If you betray me, I will cast you to the wolves that are Mafiascum.net. Any disobedience is a betrayal. Do you understand?

NEWBIES:

Yes, Mistress.

Mina smiles, turning back around in her chair.

MINA:

Good. Notscience, take them to the awards ceremony. Enjoy the show!

[Scummies]

The screen hums to life with a prerecorded image of zoraster.

zoraster

: "I know you've all been waiting for awhile... so I'm really excited to say that Team Mafia will begin signups! Like... now! Start forming those teams and have those teams ready to go when the signups begin!"

The television shuts off abruptly and we're back in UT's bar.

N

: "Hmm... time to form teams, huh?"

He wanders off, deep in thought. Meanwhile, at another table, the brits are chatting.

Nexus

: "So... obviously, we're going to be a team, right?"

ChannelDelibird

: "Of course. Who can resist our charm and wit? I'm the current Kodak Moment winner for Chrissakes, nobody can hold a candle to this charisma!"

Patrick

: "I don't really play mafia anymore..."

Fenchurch

: "Oh come now, Patrick, surely you can join us if it means asserting the Commonwealth's dominance!"

Patrick

: "Ehh... perhaps..."

On the other side of the room, Reck is furiously scribbling at a few sheets of paper, muttering to himself.

xRECKONERx

: "Ugh. UGH. No, this will never do, I need to rewrite everything. We're too deep. Too deep into this. Shit. Ugh. UT, I need another drink."

UT walks over to him.

Untrod Tripod

: "Reck. You're my bro. But... if you're supposed to be coordinating the Scummies, are you sure you want your sixth old fashioned?"

Reck glares up at him and growls.

Untrod Tripod

: "Hey, okay, your funeral... wait... aren't you next up on the stage?"

Reck looks up at the television.

Announcer

: "Please welcome... Nexus, Equinox, and xRECKONERx!"

Reck and Nexus lock eyes across the bar and both nearly fall out of their chairs, darting towards the exit. They run and push each other out of the way and bolt out the door.

[Scummies]

Equinox walks out onto stage, gracefully, and then stands there. It's a few moments before Nexus and Reck come bolting onto the stage, shoving and slapping each other whole way. Nexus trips Reck, who faceplants, and rushes to the mic, out of breath.

Nexus

: "You know, over here in the UK Commonwealth, we

properly

know how to balance a setup without making it utter shit!"

Nexus glances over at Reck, who flicks him off.

Nexus

: "So it's only fitting that a proper setup designer like myself gets to pass off the award to the next generation. Our finalists this year are...

4nxi3ty

for

Mini 1557: Imaginary Fights

...

Faraday

for

a uPick of Ice and Fire

... and

Natirasha

for

Dark Age of the Law

... and the winner of the Rube Golberg award for Best Setup... is..."

4nxi3ty for Mini 1557: Imaginary Fights

"The setup really worked with the flavor to create a unified whole and one of the most unique experiences I've had while playing a mafia game. I'd actually compare it more to a literary work as far as theme goes." - Bulbazak

"This seems like a really interesting setup and has a kind of cool premise with most roles and the consequences of dying. I feel like 4nxi3ty's setup can be played pretty straightforward as your average Mafia Game and the posthumous mechanic only adds layers of cool to the game." - Zar

4nxi3ty hops up onto stage, grabbing his award and smiling. Nexus quickly slaps a union jack sticker onto the trophy and cheers. 4nxi3ty just rolls his eyes and walks off.

Equinox

: "Great modding is hard to do, but every year, we have a few mods who just nail it. From design, to vote counts, to handling problems, everything is important to be considered the best. Our finalists for 2014 are...

FakeGod

...

N

... and

Natirasha

... all worthy mods, to be sure, but the WINNER of the Modfather award for Best Moderator is..."

FakeGod

"Two of FakeGod's games were nominated for best setups for this edition of the scummies. That on itself should speak of how the players of his games feel when playing on his setups." - Zar

"FakeGod is a rare breed of mod. He's an event mod... a mod where, when he runs a game, people scramble for spots. It has been a long time since one of those has popped up." - xRECKONERx

FakeGod comes back to the stage and takes his award. He goes to say something, but kuribo comes screeching out onto stage after him, chasing him off in the other direction.

Equinox

: "Uh... should we...?"

xRECKONERx

: "Nah, fuck it, they'll be fine! Oh, hey, by the way, I'm Reck, and I'm up here to give out the Community Contributor award. Why am I doing it? Well, we didn't even give out this award last year because we didn't feel there was a worthy winner, but this year? Man, this year, it was a bloody battle to the death to see who would take home the prize. Through much debate and deliberation, we arrived at these three finalists:

GuyInFreezer

for

creating the mafBlack skin

...

Thesp

for

creating the automatic votecounter

... and finally,

wgeurts

for

his extensive work on the mafiawiki

. Only one of these guys can win, though, so I'm happy to announce that the winner of the Dan Harmon award for being a Community Contributor... is..."

Thesp for his automatic votecounter

"I feel the votecounter changed modding making it substantially easier and also required considerable effort put in and is the only nomination that does this so I'm going to vote Thesp." - F-16_Fighting_Falcon

"This shit literally changed my life." - xRECKONERx

Everyone pauses, waiting for Thesp to come out, but he never shows up. Reck shrugs and tosses the award in the air, catching it, and walking off the stage, followed closely behind by Equinox & Nexus.

[Scummies]

Mith is nestled in a luxurious leather armchair in an alpine ski resort. Far away from him is the petty internet drama that he left behind. His only concern now is the two tigresses he is taming. One lays beneath his feet, basking in the warmth of the crackling fire he built with his hands an hour previously. The other lies waiting for him in bed upstairs, but that is a matter for after he has finished his scotch. He raises the tumbler to his nose and inhales the smokey warmth of the 40 year old Islay. He sips, and the warmth of the fine potable spreads throughout his insides like the heat of the fire spreads through his outside. Saving the world can be stressful work, but the amenities provided to him by grateful world powers make it all worth it.

Mith's phone rings. He takes it out of the vest pocket of his silk smoking jacket.

The phone reads ZORASTER - EMERGENCY LINE

Mith silences his phone.

He downs the remainder of his scotch and rises powerfully from his chair, as a tsunami would if it were a dashing secret agent in a silk smoking jacket. He scratches the dozing tigress behind the ears and ascends the loft, to meet with his other tigress.)

[Scummies]

Cut to Disney World. The place seems deserted. After a few seconds, a voice speaks up.

chamber:

Camera on me, please. I'm paying you to point the camera at me.

The camera whips around and focuses on someone that looks like he had a little too much fun already.

chamber:

Thank you. So, this is Disney World. Come to it. It's nice. And fun. The happiest place this side of the bor-

He turns around to vomit in a conveniently placed trash can. Turning back to the camera, he forces a smile.

chamber:

Sorry about that. I promise it's not from drinking, see I went on some rides earlier and haven't fully recovered yet. But-

He's not fast enough to turn around this time, but luckily there's a trash can in front of him too.

chamber:

Okay maybe I was drinking. Whatever. Like you're perfect.

Cameraman:

Are you still going to pay me?

chamber:

SHUT UP anyway it's a mafia meet, we have to drink a lot. It's totally fucking legal dude.

Cameraman:

I didn't say-

(AngryPidgeon wanders into the frame)

AngryPidgeon:

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S LEGAL

chamber:

Get out of the frame AP you're ruining everything

AngryPidgeon:

I'm ruining it? You're ruining it. You're drunk and puking everywhere.

(chamber bends over the trashcan again)

AngryPidgeon:

See??? Drunk again. Mickey mouse is gonna arrest you.

chamber:

Mickey Mouse doesn't even have a badge.

AngryPidgeon:

He doesn't NEED a badge it's like castle rule or whatever.

(Quadz walks on screen holding the severed head of Goofy)

Quadz:

This guy. This guy was... he was uh....

Offscreen voice:

He was being an asshole and not doing shots.

Quadz:

Right so... we took his head so we can feed it shots all day.

Offscreen voice:

Shots shots shot shots shots

(Quadz begins pouring an entire bottle of white rum through the open mouth of the head. Red liquid spills out of the neck hole)

chamber:

Dude you're gonna get me in so much trouble.

Quadz:

Ugh, it's getting on my shoes. Fucking asshole.

AngryPidgeon:

We'll just tell Mickey he attacked you.

Quadz:

Do you think Mickey will want to do shots?

Cameraman:

Okay I need to cut this off now.

[Scummies]

Backstage, Nexus and Reck are standing out in the hallway, shouting at each other.

xRECKONERx

: "What the fuck was that, Nexus!? I'm sitting here, trying to keep this ceremony together, and you go all Rambo on me, pushin', shovin', punchin'?"

Nexus stares blankly at Reck.

Nexus

: "Ram...bo...?"

Reck sighs loudly.

xRECKONERx

: "Ugh! You Brits and your lack of freedom and true patriotism! Rambo is the greatest mo-- you know what, nevermind. No. I'm throwing you out of this ceremony."

Nexus laughs.

Nexus

: "Oh, I see! So then, are you scared of the Commonwealth finally usurping the Commune? You see the writing on the wall. You can sense the impending loss in Team Mafia. You know this is happening."

Reck blinks a few times.

xRECKONERx

: "What... the hell... are you even..."

He is cut short when Kublai Khan walks by, hearing the commotion.

Kublai Khan

: "Hey... guys... cool it. I'm not going to issue any bans here, but things are already getting heated back there. Between UT's heavy pours and this Team Mafia clique stuff forming, I'm not going to tell you twice to cool off. Now, move along, before--"

Kublai Khan is cut off by a loud, guttural war cry. From the shadows of the nearby corridor, Thestatusquo emerges with his face covered in tribal paint. He comes charging around the corner with a massive spear in hand and rears back, throwing it directly at Kublai Khan. KK turns, but a bit too late, and the spear plunges into his chest. He crumples to the ground.

Reck and Nexus shriek and step back. Shea plods up to him and leans in close, grabbing the end of his spear.

Thestatusquo

: "Hey, Kublai Khan...

happy holidays

."

Shea rips the spear out of his chest and darts down the hallway, letting out his war cry yet again. Nexus charges back to UT's bar.

After everyone leaves, Kublai Khan's corpse slowly rises off the ground. A hand emerges out of his pouch, followed by another. After a few disgusting minutes, SleepyKrew emerges.

SleepyKrew:

"Finally, I have been freed. Now I can return the (mutiny) to its former glory."

SleepyKrew runs off, happy to no longer be trapped inside his marsupial prison.

kanyeknowsbest:

noooooooo!!! kublai kjah, you sweet moderator of goodness, i will forever miss your stern yet loving gaze. there will never be a man to replace your power, nor will there be a person to replace your cunning. in your honor, i will begin my quest for the perfect body so that i will be able to properly avengere you. fifty bench presses, one hundred squats, and five thousand jumping jacks each day until i am the perfect picture of man and i can destroy your murderer and avengere your sweet light-filled soul so that you may rest, in the name of mofiascum. god bless.

[Scummies]

A glass shatters against the dingy brick wall of the bar.

SleepyKrew

: "(mutiny)!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The bar is in absolute chaos. UT is ducked behind the bar, wielding a shotgun, blindly firing it over the side of the bar. SleepyKrew smashes a glass and uses its sharp remains as a dagger.

SleepyKrew

: "(mutiny)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SleepyKrew throws the glass at a newbie, who lifts up a chair with one hand and blocks it out of the air. Nexus darts in the door and sees his UK brethren hiding behind an overturned table. He slides into place behind them.

Nexus

: "Looks like shit kicked off early!"

Patrick

: "This is not what I signed up for..."

Fenchurch

: "COME AND GET IT!"

Fenchurch lights up a bottle of liquor with a rag in it and hurls a molotov cocktail at a passerby, who dodges it as it explodes in flames against the wall.

Nexus

: "Where's... where the HELL is CDB?"

Patrick

: "Oh... he said he had to go, and that his real life had just gotten too busy for this."

Nexus

: "...

seriously

!? CDB flaked on

this

!? COME ON!"

Fenchurch

: "We've still got this, boys! Grab a weapon!"

[Scummies]

The sound of a choir singing fills the air.

Chevre

: "And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate hate..."

The choir joins in behind him, and the camera pulls back to reveal that they are all wearing golden robes. Marquis, Parama, Majiffy, Psyche, and InflatablePie make up the choir.

Choir

: "I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake shake shake... shake it off... shake it off!"

Chevre lowers his hands and the choir stops singing. He turns back towards the camera and addresses the audience.

Chevre

: "Friends! I am here today to tell you that this mass hysteria and violence is not the answer! We can be as one! We can live in perfect harmony! Lay down your weapons, joins hands, and siiiiiiiiiiiing!"

The choir joins hands and begins another song.

Chevre

: "One... two... three..."

Choir

: "First thing's first: I'm the realest!"

The scene quickly pans over to the nearby backstage entrance to the main stage where Reck stands with Cabd, Empire, and Magua.

xRECKONERx

: "I need you to go out there and just be normal."

Cabd

: "Normal!? Seriously?"

Empire

: "You DO see that people are murdering each other, right?"

Magua

: "We don't need to do the awards... we need the damn National Guard!"

Reck glares at them.

xRECKONERx

: "Let me be clear... if you don't get the hell out there and make this the most professional damn award presentation in existence, I will personally murder you

myself

!"

The three of them nod nervously and hurry out onto stage.

[Scummies]

Cabd, Empire, and Magua nervously walk out onto the stage and up to the podium. Cabd clears his throat.

Cabd

: "It's not easy being a good replacement... from the walls to read, the pages upon pages of poorly used GIFs and memes, and having to defend your predecessor's play... why would anyone do it!? Who knows? But there was one person who did just that... so, we're proud to present the White Knight award for Best Replacement... to...

displaced

"this guy replaced into a mislynch slot at 6p MYLO in Attack on Titan and proceeded to peg the fuck out of the scumteam. the game was up in the air at that point but he replaced in and quickly made a bunch of decisive arguments for BRO scum in 4p MYLO that were pretty much quick and painless. he didn't even have to do anything ridiculous to get the lynch, he just walked in and started owning it. there's a very good chance town would have lost this otherwise, but him replacing in here pretty much sealed the fate of a town win." - pieguyn

displaced quickly accepts the award, waves, and rushes off the stage.

Empire

: "So, yeah, the Rising Star award. It's pretty important, I guess. I mean, it's here to honor someone who previously was almost a nobody, and then WHAM, outta nowhere, they had a stellar year. So, this year, we had a few finalists. They were...

Kagami

...

Knell

... and

TellTaleHeart

... but only one of them could win! So, the winner of the Rising Star award for Best Up-And-Comer... is..."

Kagami

"Kagami has some pretty impressive games linked by pirate mollie in her nom, including the Inuyasha Win. She's a more rounded player, she has a larger BOW with quite consistent performances." - Zar

"I've been scum with Kagami in Serum and Steel. She survived and fought for a draw. This is also personal experience but she was able to help us refine our claims and offered suggestions on making better claims." - F-16_Fighting_Falcon

Kagami runs up to the stage, taking the award and winking at the crowd.

Magua

: "Hey, people. I haven't been around much, huh? Man, bet you guys missed me. I mean, after all, how can you not miss the Most Enjoyable Player! Anyway, it seems like this year we had a whole new batch of people that redefined enjoyability, so good for them! The nominees are...

BooKitty

...

fferyllt

... and

kuribo

. Only one winner, though, and the winner of the Miss Congeniality award for Most Enjoyable Player is..."

Bookitty

"Boo is a sweetheart who realizes that Mafia is a game and the point of a game is to have fun. She seems like the type of person who gets along with everybody, which makes for a great experience in any game she's in. Her personality is a real breath of fresh air in a game where arguments and confrontations are so commonplace." - Skullduggery

"As a mod, she helped my game suck less." - Bitmap

Bookitty runs up to the stage and accepts the award. She goes to say something but just mutters a shy, "Thanks" and darts away. The three presenters shrug and waltz back off the stage.

[Scummies]

Glork, bv310, and Oman all appear in the hallway, brandishing swords. They are all wearing green shirts.

Glork

: "BRING IT ON!"

The opposing team stalks down the hallway, snapping at them, West Side Story-style. Katsuki, Antihero, and Egg all snap at them, wildly.

Katsuki

: "When you're a jet..."

Egg

: "You're a jet all the way!"

Antihero

: "From your first cigarette..."

Katsuki

: "To your last dyin' day!"

Almost as if on queue, Oman charges them with a sword and runs it through Egg. He moans and collapses to the ground.

Oman

: "Yeah! That's what happens when you have no weap--"

Antihero suddenly flicks his wrists, revealing assassin-style wristblades, which he plunges into Oman's throat. Glork screams out.

Glork

: "NOBODY TAINTS THE GREEN SHIRT!"

Glork rushes in and swings his broadsword wide. Katsuki ducks, but Glork lobs Antihero's head clean off. It rolls to the floor with a thud. Katsuki breaks out two smaller swords from his belt loops and swings them overhead down on Glork... but bv310 steps in, blocking the blow with his longsword. Katsuki gets his swords locked in place, fighting to break them free, but eventually just kicks bv310 in the balls. bv310 collapses to the ground and Katsuki strikes the finishing blow into his stomach. Glork wildly swings his sword back to Katsuki, who flips backwards over it, but the sword catches a nameless newbie's chest who was darting by instead. The newbie slumps to the floor between Katsuki and Glork. The two of them eyeball each other and cautiously step back, before running in the other direction.

---

As if on cue, zMuffinMan, Om, and Cheery Dog show up to see DeasVail's mutilated corpse lying on the ground, as well as notscience weeping into it. All take a knee to mourn their dear leader.

ZMUFFINMAN:

Notscience, do you know who killed DeasVail?

NOTSCIENCE:

It was BPC! It was terrifying! He stabbed him in the back, he said a one liner I still don't quite understand, and then nothing happened until you guys got here!

ZMUFFINMAN:

Then the new purpose of the Australia Group has been made clear.

zMuffinMan crouches down for a moment, grabbing the sword used to stab DeasVail out of his corpse.

ZMUFFINMAN:

From this moment on, I promise that we will be the most violent Team in all of Team Mafia, I promise that we will spread bloodshed like a young child spreading mayonnaise on a sandwich for the first time, I promise that we will make all who know of us tremble in fear and that all who know us will soon be killed.

Cheery Dog nods his head.

CHEERY DOG:

Amen.

Om stands still for a moment, contemplating something.

NOTSCIENCE:

Oh, thank god! I'm glad that you're not actually buying into this craziness, Om. Now we can run and find somewhere that we will be safe together and go play Pokemon or something!

OM:

I don't think I'll be needing this anymore. Here's my coloring book, notscience.

NOTSCIENCE:

Thank you, but I don't understand...?

OM:

Amen.

NOTSCIENCE:

Oh.

MAJIFFY:

Amen! Guys, I'm part of Australia!

kanyeknowsbest

: noooooooo!!! deasveal, you sweet prince of goodness, i will forever miss your good spirit and your good advice. there will never be a man to replace your beauty, nor will there be a person to replace your kindness. in your honor, i will begin my quest for the perfect body so that i will be able to properly avengere you. three hundred pull ups, five hundred cool clapping pushups, and three thousand sit ups each day until i am the perfect picture of man and i can destroy your murderer and avengere your sweet light-filled soul so that you may rest, in the name of mofiascum. god bless.

[Scummies]

Mina taps her foot impatiently. She is surrounded by a ton of newbies, who fan her and feed her grapes.

Mina

: "Ugh... where IS Newbie #758392 with my damn latte? Ah well, no matter, he can be punished appropriately later. GRAPE!"

A newbie quickly stumbles over to her and drops a grape in her mouth.

Mina

: "Thank you, my minions. Now, where were we? Ah yes... it is Day 2! There are 7 of us alive, including myself! Now... let us all remember what happened the last time someone tried to lead a lynch on me..."

She motions over to the other side of the room, where a newbie is chained to the wall and bound and gagged.

Mina

: "So... would anyone

else

like to suggest lynching me? ...No? Good! I think we should lynch... you!"

She points to a random newbie, and the other 5 players immediately follow her onto him and vote for him as well.

Mina

: "Yay! You're lynched! And you were town! I win, I was mafia! Yay me! I'm so great at mafia! Look at me go!"

All of the newbies applaud her glorious victory. She snaps at them.

Mina

: "HEY! Don't stop fanning those palm leaves, it is just RIDICULOUSLY hot in here! I'll have to have a word with zoraster later about these third world conditions we're living in... just not okay at all."

The camera slowly dollies back out of the room and the door closes.

[Scummies]

zMuffinMan smiles serenely, flamethrower in hand as he watches EspeciallyTheLies roast from its life-claiming flames. He loved the flamethrower because it didn't judge anyone, it just claimed lives and listened obediently to whoever might be its master. Next, he saw GuyInFreezer, frozen in horror, unable to move as zMuffinMan approached him, and he too melted away to the flamethrower's loving embrace. The faces of all the people he was murdering melted together as he began to care less who he was killing, only that he was killing: nothing mattered anymore now that he and his flamethrower had begun their dance of destiny and people could do nothing but watch with that same exact expression of horror until that expression of horror literally melted off their faces. But suddenly, he recognized a face again, angry, defiantly staring the flamethrower in the face. zMuffinMan set the flamethrower down.

BIPOLARCHEMIST:

You're a monster, zMuffinMan.

ZMUFFINMAN:

I am a monster you created. DeasVail was the only member of this community not kneedeep in murderous hatred for every other player: if he is not worthy enough to live, who is?

BIPOLARCHEMIST:

DeasVail was not the angel he appeared to be, Muffin.

ZMUFFINMAN:

Silence, blasphemer. I have no interest in discussing anything with you any longer: the same blade that you used to take DeasVail's life is the same blade that I'm going to use to take yours.

Muffin takes out a large samurai blade, which he uses to immediately swing at BPC's neck, but is immediately blocked by BPC's own identical samurai blade. He continues savagely striking at BPC, putting his full weight behind every swing and allowing BPC to do nothing but run and block his attacks. Suddenly, BPC smiles. Muffin strikes behind him on a whim, cutting clean through Vi's shoulder and causing the knife he was holding to fall to the ground.

ZMUFFINMAN:

Coward. You truly thought that I would be so caught up in my murder frenzy of you that I wouldn't notice someone sneaking up behind me in order to stab me in the back? You are nothing to me, BPC: just another person that I've killed in honor of DeasVail.

BIPOLARCHEMIST:

It's... hopeless...

BPC's samurai sword clatters to the ground as Muffin's soars right through his chest.

ZMUFFINMAN:

Say hello to Drake's career for me.

[Scummies]

CDB is standing in a field. He is wearing a tuxedo and an ostentatiously large top hat. Like seriously, the thing is like nine feet tall. It goes out of the frame.

CDB.

Oh hi, thanks for coming on this virtual tour of the UK commonwealth of scummers. My name is ChannelDelibird. Usually known as CDB. Sometimes Jimmy MacTallyrumples, but only if you're my good chum. Let's pan over here to the right to see some UK scummers enjoying some fine British frolicking.

Camera pans over to the left. Nexus is dancing around, naked as the day he was born, which is to say he is wearing a full suit of crushed velvet because he is british. CES and Fenchurch are throwing crumpets at him and singing a jaunty tune.

CDB.

These are just some of the fine activities you can enjoy here at the UK Commonwealth of Scummers. We're so much better than the NC Commune because we're sophisticated. Sometimes we drink tea and visit historic sites. Other times we drink tea and visit scenic vistas in the british isles. Yet other times we drink tea while playing mafia. But most importantly, we drink tea. Because we are bloody British, goddammit, and this is all we have.

CDB begins openly weeping.

CDB.

JUST COME VISIT US FOR THE MEET. I PROMISE IT'LL BE EVER SO MUCH FUN. WE CAN WATCH A FOOTBALL MATCH. WE JUST WANT TO BE LOVED.

Camera fades out while CDB breaks down sobbing.

[Scummies]

DGB trots out onto the stage, followed closely behind by N and zombie ETL.

DrippingGoofball

: "Last year about this time, I was ascending and becoming Thor, the God of Thunder! What a year it has been, holding onto this title, but I'm afraid the time is..."

She is cut off by FakeGod screaming out from the audience, "I LOVE YOU DGB", but then a loud growl signals the appearance of kuribo, who chases him through the crowd and out the back exit.

DrippingGoofball

: "Yes, thank you, my

adoring

fans! As I was saying, being the best third party requires grace, charisma, and smarts... and the winner this year had all in spades! I'm proud to announce that the Hannibal Lecter award for Best Third Party Performance goes to..."

Skullduggery for Mini 1577: Dangan Ronpa Mafia

"Seriously, look at this badass. He fooled everyone as conftown, took out the scumteam super quickly, and pretty much stayed in everyone's good graces until, like, the last day. Plus, it was his first time being a third party like ever. If I had the funds, I would personally give him a gold medal; that's how much I feel he deserves it." - caledfwitch

"Skull was the towniest townie all game through. It takes genuine skill to pull off play like that." - Bookitty

Skullduggery leaps up to the stage and nabs the trophy, spinning around on the other foot and hopping off the stage back down to his seat.

EspeciallyTheLies

: "Last year, I was recognized with my partner BROseidon for pulling off a great scum team victory. Now, it takes a lot to gel with someone like that. You have to synchronize on everything! A great scumteam requires being so in sync, that you can finish each other's..."

She pauses and BROseidon stands up in his chair.

BROseidon

: "Sandwiches!"

EspeciallyTheLies

: "Err... yeah, exactly what I was going to say! Sandwiches! So this year's finalists are...

the Scumteam of Final Fantasy AU

...

the Scumteam of The Second Fortnight

... and

the Scumteam of Tales of You

! Only one group can take it, so who will it be? The winners of this year's Murder, Incorporated award for Best Scumteam Performance... is..."

Marquis & T-Bone, the Scumteam of The Second Fortnight

"Managing to win the game is enough said." - Cheery Dog

Marquis & T-Bone walk up to the stage, dancing the whole way with headphones on. Marquis takes the microphone.

Marquis

: "I just want to thank uhhh my girl Nicki Minaj for being my bae."

T-Bone

: "All glory to the hypnotoad. Ayyy."

They high-five and saunter off to the backstage area.

N

: "Last year, I was a part of the Best Town Team win! Naturally, they asked

me

of all people to present. I was chosen to represent my team as the presenter here because I'm a

natural

winner and leader, clearly, and not because I'm on site staff and bribed my way into the position. Why, even the accusation of such is INSULTING! So, this year, the finalists are...

the Town of "Micro 322 - Managerial Merry Go Round Mafia"

...

the Town of "Mini 1537: ATTACK ON TITAN"

... and

the Town of "The Reckoning III Invitational"

... and the winner is..."

xRECKONERx, Grimmjow, Iecerint, Cheery Dog, Untrod Tripod, Gammagooey, Antihero, Ythan, Axxle, Mina, Tammy, pirate mollie, Magua, DeathNote, Porochaz, Faraday, and KittyMo... the Town of The Reckoning III Invitational

"Basically in a game with 4 mafia and 1 Survivor / 19 people, the town lynched mafia consecutively on Days 1 to 4 sans any guilties and vigged the Survivor on N1.

Like my mind is still a little blown. Ya the town was a little dysfunctional at times, but they came together really strong when it mattered." - AngryPidgeon

All five billion of them start to spill out onto the stage, singing "Shots" by LMFAO in a capella. They are pouring liquor all over each other and grinding on each other. N, DGB, and ETL look mortified and the show quickly cuts away to a commercial.

[Scummies]

A single boot crushes a piece of broken glass in UT's bar. The place is completely destroyed. The camera pans up to reveal none other than Tammy, now wearing torn shreds for clothes, hair a hot mess, with grenades strapped to her belt.

Tammy

: "I am truly the MASTER OF ALL! Who dares step foot in here and challenge me!?"

There's a long period of silence, where only Tammy's voice echoes through the large room. Then, panting, whimpering, heavy breathing... footsteps... running... and FakeGod stumbles into the room.

Tammy

: "Ahhh! A challenger appears!"

FakeGod looks behind him, then back at Tammy, then back behind him, then back at Tammy.

FakeGod

: "No, Tammy, please listen! kuribo is... he's..."

Tammy snaps at him.

Tammy

: "Silence, worm! Now, enjoy your final moments before I strike you down!"

Tammy pulls a pistol off of her backed. It was taped there, John McClane style. Suddenly, kuribo bursts through the wall, in true Hulk fashion.

kuribo

: "FAAAAAAKEGOOOOOOOD!"

FakeGod glances at kuribo, then back at Tammy, then back at kuribo, then back at Tammy. Tammy raises and eyebrow and waves kuribo off.

Tammy

: "Back off, Roid Rage. This one's

my

kill."

kuribo turns towards Tammy, snarling.

kuribo

: "Like hell he is. If anyone's taking FakeGod out, it's me."

Tammy narrows her eyes and swings the pistol around to be pointed at kuribo.

Tammy

: "Oh, well then, fine... I suppose I can take care of you first."

kuribo's eyes go wide and he fumbles for a weapon. Nothing. Frantically, he ducks behind a table as Tammy pulls the trigger. The bullet flies wide. She cackles.

Tammy

: "Oh well this is really no fun! But, a point is a point!"

FakeGod

: "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT POINT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

At that moment, there's a loud *fwooosh* noise. Then, a rocket propelled grenade goes flying in between kuribo and FakeGod, hitting the floor near Tammy. A huge explosion goes up, knocking Tammy up through the ceiling and engulfing her body in flames. After a moment, Tammy's corpse falls back down to the ground with a thud. Only the smoldering sound of flesh melting can be heard. kuribo and FakeGod turn back towards the entrance. DGB steps through in her flowing evening gown, rocket launcher perched on her shoulder, with a smile.

DrippingGoofball

: "Now... can you two stop your petty squabbles so we can get back to showing everyone who Serene2 really is?"

All three of them nod and smile.

kanyeknowsbest

: "noooooooo!!! tmamra, you sweet princess of indecision, i will forever miss your fiery spirit and your good musical tastes. there will never be a woman to replace your workout ethic, nor will there be a person to replace your low tolerance for alcohol. in your honor, i will begin my quest for the perfect body so that i will be able to properly avengere you. eight hundred toe touches, thirteen hundred bicep curls, and fifteen laps around the pool each day until i am the perfect picture of man and i can destroy your murderer and avengere your sweet light-filled soul so that you may rest, in the name of mofiascum. god bless."

[Scummies]

N is standing in the middle of his planning room, watching a thousand cameras around him. One screen in the bottom left corner that he can't remember ever watching before flashes red, proximity alarms begin beeping, and N blows up the camera to take a closer look. Through the fog, he sees and hears a man on a raft, whistling cheerily while he paddles with his hands. The man stands up on the raft as it comes closer, eliciting an errant creak from the old beast as he waves to the camera.

Cheery Dog

: "Hello, brother!"

N pauses for a moment, frowning, watching him approach as he considers grabbing his emergency pistol out of his safe until he decides against it and runs down to greet Cheery Dog. The raft lands on the island.

N

: "How did you find me? There's only one other person who's ever seen Wee Australia, and there's only one other person who knows how to find it."

Cheery Dog smiles.

Cheery Dog

: "The ability to gather information runs in the family, N. I realized you've overlooked my talents while being blinded by your own personal accomplishments, but there's more depth to old Kayak than you might realize."

N frowns.

N

: "What are you doing here?"

Cheery Dog

: "This island was originally created under commission from SleepyKrew in order to imprison Tierce. You convinced SleepyKrew that keeping the location of the island hidden from everyone except from you and him would make sure that no one would be able to recruit Tierce and her old connections in order to undermine his cause. You did this so that you would be the only person in the (mutiny) with enough information to take up Sleepykrew's mantle when it was gone. Establishing yourself as warden of Tierce's prison also meant that you were the only access to Tierce and her old connections and would also be able to take control of Tierce's old network as well as Sleepykrew's: the combined network together would be too volatile to work together without you holding them together, but, as a combined force, strong enough to topple the small pockets of opposition you would face when assuming full power of mafiascum."

N stands silent. Suddenly, a stench of dead bodies sweeps over the island, causing N to begin coughing uncontrollably. Cheery Dog continues to smile.

Cheery Dog

: "Five hours ago, you released Tierce to the awards ceremony as a sign of good faith to her. This allowed you to create a scapegoat that you could blame the SleepyKrew murder on, since you predicted correctly that she wouldn't be able to resist gaining access to the Scummies awards through GiF's superhero clique, meaning it would be a natural assumption by the people who realized that CoolDog wouldn't be working alone. You assumed that Vi would kill CoolDog at her first opportunity which would silence him before he even had a chance to speak and say something stupid: this assumption was incorrect, CoolDog and Vi will never meet."

N

: "Cheery Dog, what happened to you? In my insane grabs for power, have I lost my brother?"

Cheery Dog laughs.

Cheery Dog

: "You haven't lost your brother, N. I just need a new pair of paddles."

N tries to run, but is trapped. Cheery Dog stalks towards him menacingly and the scene fades out.

[Scummies]

CooLDoG speaks into his bluetooth headset, sending his serious face into the sunset.

COOLDOG:

I've touched down, boss. I'm ready to eliminate the target.

Fenchurch stares back at him, a disgusted expression on her face.

FENCHURCH:

What are you doing here, you bloody wanker?

COOLDOG:

Watch your mouth, darling. I'm not going to be a bloody wanker for about...

CooLDoG glances at his watch, then frowns.

COOLDOG:

Five more minutes. I'm afraid we're going to have to finish this little date later because what I've come here for should be coming in about three... two... one...

SLEEPYKREW:

Ah, CooLDoG! Unfortunately, this meeting is for (mutiny) members only, I'm going to have to ask you to leave unless you'd like to join.

COOLDOG:

I didn't come looking to join anyone. Instead, I brought you an invitation...

CooLDoG pulls out a large hammer and sickle.

COOLDOG:

...to die!

SleepyKrew smiles as he brings out his chains.

SLEEPYKREW:

I was hoping you would say something stupid like that.

SleepyKrew wraps his chains around CooLDoG's hammer, yanking it to the ground. CooLDoG ignores it, rushing SleepyKrew with a sickle to the face which SleepyKrew dodges to the left, causing the sickle to get wrapped up in the chains. SleepyKrew headbutts CooLDoG, breaking his nose and sending him stumbling backwards. CooLDoG grabs his hammer from the ground.

SLEEPYKREW:

I thought you'd be dead by now.

CooLDoG:

So did I.

SleepyKrew tries again to wrap his chains around the hammer, but this time, CooLDoG grabs the chains and uses them to bring SleepyKrew closer to him, smashing him in the kneecap with a hammer. SleepyKrew stumbles forward slightly, but regains his balance and wraps his chains around CooLDoG's neck, strangling him.

SleepyKrew:

Any last words, CooLDoG?

CooLDoG glances at his watch again, grabs a pistol out of his jacket, and shoots SleepyKrew in the face, killing him instantly.

CooLDoG:

Sorry Sleepykrew. I'm on a tight schedule.

[Scummies]

The final presenters of the evening walk out on stage: zMuffinMan, Llamarble, and borkjerkin.

zMuffinMan

: "I had the honor last year of being crowned Don Corleone! Essentially, I was as manipulative and backstabby as possible, and people gave me an award for that! And here I was thinking the only place you got rewarded for that behavior was in the US Congress. Anywho, this year's competition was stiff...

Katsuk

,

mastin2

, and

Messiah Complex

were all in consideration, but at the end of the day, there can only be one. Ladies and gentlemen... your 2015 Don Corleone award for Most Cunning Manipulator goes to..."

Katsuki

"He pressed on when his entire team got annihilated by DeasVail, dodged every single lynch, and won the game in the biggest upset I have seen in my time here." - FakeGod

"That fucking D1 cop claim" - The Bulge

Katsuki runs up to the stage and screams wildly. He keeps screaming. Spittle and saliva flies from his cheeks as he vampirically hisses at the audience, then turns and darts off stage.

Llamarble

: "Well, that was certainly bizarre. Next up, we have the Paragon of Mafia Hunters award. It's perhaps the most prestigious award the site has to give. The halls of history are lined with award winners who people look up to in order to see how to better play the game. Scumteams shake in fear when they roll mafia against these people. The nominees this year are...

DeasVail

...

emogirl123

... and

ZMuffinMan

! There is only one winner, though, and that winner this year... is..."

DeasVail

"I had the honor to moderate a game in which had an excellent vig, who never missed a shot, and led lynches on the correct people." - FakeGod

"DeasVail was the top dawg for me when it comes to scumhunters this year." - xRECKONERx

When it became clear that no one was coming up, Llamarble leaned back into the mic.

Llamarble:

"Guess he overslept or something."

Llamarble took the award and went back offstage.

borkjerkin

: "The Most Enjoyable Game has become the Game of the Year. So what does it mean to be the Game of the Year? It means, years down the road, when new people want to pop back and see the game that best embodied greatness, this is the game chosen. It has passion, drama, great setup, great town and scumplay, great modding... all in all, the game has to have EVERYTHING in order to be written down in the history books. This year, there were three main contenders...

Dark Age of the Law

...

Mini 1547: Wicked Mafia

... and

Organic Chemistry

. So which one will represent the best of the best for us? Ladies and gentlemen... your 2014 Game of the Year... is..."

Organic Chemistry

"Both sides played solidly. Town had basically spot-on usage of their town PRs. The tracker above is one example, sure, yeah, but throughout the whole game, they had rather good usage of the inventions in the game. Furthermore, while they ultimately used roles to turn the game around, the simple fact is that a lot of the town players had really good reads. (Especially after D1.) The only reason it took so long for them to win? Because the scum played a really, really, REALLY solid game. Metal Sonic was in top form, coaching his scumteam the entire time. pirate mollie, ZZZX, and PeregrineV all did awesomely. Heck, that all D1 wagons were all-town shows how well they managed to subvert VCA. They played a solid day game and a decent night game, just as the town played a decent day game and a solid night game. The game easily could have gone either way at multiple points in the game, and was a real thrill ride. Solid modding by Antihero, too, with a fun, innovative, yet simple setup, and really informative with the flavor. Can't really ask for more in a game." - mastin2

[Scummies]

Mith is walking through an exotic market, a fierce tigress by his side. He stops to examine hanging baskets of fruits. A bandit, obviously not seeing the tigress, sneaks up close behind mith.

Mith

: I would heavily advise against what you're doing.

Bandit

: Huh?

Mith

: I do not travel alone. Mina!

Mith's tigress leaps on the bandit and growls.

Mith

: I named her after a fierce warrior from my home country.

The bandit passes out from fear. Mina the tigress steals the bandit's hat and flips it to mith.

Mith

: Mina, you are a silly girl. Here's a treat.

Mith pulls a raw steak out of the pocket of his worn leather jacket and tosses it to Mina. Mina tears it apart with vigor.

Mith

: That's a girl.

Mith walks along the market stalls and examines the fruit. He is looking for perfectly ripe lychees for his lovely bride. After examining a particularly handsome bunch, he pays the shopkeeper in pure gold bullion and pockets the bag of lychees neatly in his jacket. He begins the long walk back to his bungalo. Mina follows him.

[Scummies]

(Katsuki and zMuffinMan are squared off in the wreckage of a pool table)

Katsuki:

I see it is the final showdown.

zMuffinMan:

What?

Katuski:

Of the two similarly shaped baked goods.

zMuffinMan:

A cupcake is just a sick joke. Muffin master race.

Katuski:

I used to be jealous of your confidence. Then I traded in my sprinkles... FOR THIS SHOTGUN.

(Katsuki pulls a sawed-off out of his trench coat and shoots zMuffinMan. zMuffinMan collapses onto the floor.)

Katsuki:

And now, like my ancestors, I will eat your body to gain your strength.

(Katsuki begins to chow down on zMuffinMan's brains.)

[Scummies]

Katsuki:

Now I have the power of Muffins and Cupcakes! I am unstoppable: I am the ultimate life form!

kanyeknowsbest:

muffins were my favorite goddamn snack food. you know what i ate every day before hitting the gym to form this beautiful body of mine? i had a blueberry muffin and it was delicious. for you, zmuffinanab, i will not form the perfect image of man for i have achieved that already. i will use the perfect image of man to crush you so that zmuffinanab may rip.

Katsuki takes out his sawed off shotgun, firing two rounds into kanye's perfectly chiseled abs. kanye stares at Katsuki with a blank look on his face.

kanye:

that's what my three thousand sit ups in a waterfall every morning were for.

Katsuki reloads, taking another shot at kanye's high cheekbone and square jaw.

kanye:

that's why i bashed my face against a wall for an hour every morning.

kanye punches Katsuki in the face, causing it to cave in and Katsuki to crumple to the floor.

kanye:

bicep curls.

kanye curbstomps Katsuki's face, causing what was already unrecognizable mush to become an even more unrecognizable mush and a neck.

kanye:

squats.

kanye stands over Katsuki's lifeless body, bending over and ripping his heart out and holding it out in front of him.

kanye:

toe touches.

kanye crushes Katsuki's heart in his hand, then lets it fall onto Katsuki's corpse.

kanye:

stress ball. zmuffinanab, prince of baked goods. you have been avengered.

[Scummies]

The audience and borkjerkin and Llamarble all applaud politely for the winners as the show wraps to a close, blissfully unaware of the chaos that has happened backstage. Suddenly, the lights in the entire theater go out, and bright green spotlights come up instead. They point to the ceiling, where lo and behold, Glork is being lowered down on a chandelier.

Glork

: "I warned you all. For years, I warned you. I tried to be the prophet of the green shirt, and nobody listened. You all thought it was a JOKE!"

His rage echoes throughout the theater. The chandelier reflects the green light into a mosaic around the theater.

Glork

: "Well, the day of reckoning has come! As I looked through the theater, you know what I saw? I saw... black. White. Tuxedos. Some red dresses, maybe some blue. But I saw ABSOLUTELY ZERO GREEN SHIRTS. It is too late for you all now. The final judgment has begun. And I, as the prophet of the green shirt, shall watch as you all pay for your transgressions."

Glork motions to the stage, where the back curtain raises up to reveal what appear to be giant cannons. They automatically roll themselves out onto the front of the stage and aim at the audience. The ceremony goers go into a panic and begin jumping over each other, rushing towards the doors out of the theater.

Glork

: "They're locked! Your time to repent has come and gone... now you will behold... the Glory of the Green Shirt!"

The subtle opening notes of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture being to play softly across the theater's sound system. Glork waves his arms in the air, still riding the chandelier, as the screams and panic below mix with the music. The chandelier sways back and forth, back and forth. The panic increases. The song builds... and then... when the cannon hits... BOOM! The cannons on the stage fire napalm out onto the crowd. The napalm burns a bright green. With each BOOM of the cannons in the song, more napalm is unleashed upon the crowd. It builds into a frenzy: BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! The screams slowly die out.

Glork lowers himself down from the chandelier a bit more to examine the results.

Glork

: "Everyone's wearing green now, at least... I tried to warn them, I did..."

At that moment, the doors at the back of the theater unlock. Thesp and zoraster walk in, and stop immediately.

zoraster

: "Oh god."

Thesp

: "What... on earth...?"

zoraster pinches the bridge of his nose.

zoraster

: "Dammit. Dammit dammit. I totally forgot Scummies were tonight, dammit. Dammit."

Thesp stares at the remnants and chaos, then back at zoraster.

Thesp

: "THIS!? ALL OF THIS!? ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

zoraster sighs.

zoraster

: "Yeah. This is kind of what happens when you leave Reck alone to his own devices... *sigh*... come on... with me."

zor turns to leave, and Thesp follows.

Thesp

: "Where are we going?"

zoraster

: "I'm showing you where mith leaves the emergency tigers... just in case we need a hard reset. Right this way."