The Scummies 2007 - Red Carpet and Ceremony!

[mith]

The scene in front of the TOP SECRET LOCATION Auditorium and Dry Cleaners is not the ordinary crush of fans, reporters, tourists, players, moderators, and tiger patrols that one might expect on the night of the Fifth Annual Scummies Award Show. Oh, sure, the red carpet is there, beckoning nominees and celebrity guests into the hall where dreams will come true. But lining the carpet, forming a wall between the fans and their heroes, are unknown figures holding blank signs.

Never one to pass up on an opportunity to do some tough, investigative journalism, Rainbow Brite heads for the nearest sign holder, microphone in hand.

Rainbow Brite:

We're here at the site of the 2007 Scummies, and I'm talking to... er... this guy here. What's going on here, sir?

This Guy Here:

We're on strike!

Rainbow Brite:

What?

This Guy Here:

Strike!

Rainbow Brite:

That's... enlightening. Can't you come up with anything more clever for a slogan than that?

This Guy Here:

We can't

write

new material, even for our slogans. That would be cheating!

As continue arguing about this, we can see a limo drive up. The door opens and mith steps out, along with an unknown minion on a pink pony. Reality seems annoyed by this blatant disregard for sense, but mith ignores this and charges toward Rainbow Brite, a big smile on his face, as if expecting an interview. When the striking writers register with his mind, he frowns.

mith:

What's all this, then?

That Guy There:

Strike!

Rainbow Brite:

mith, if I could just ask you a few questions...? It seems the writers are on strike, how will...

mith:

I thought they struck a deal with the studios already.

Rainbow Brite:

Apparently it doesn't cover internet award shows.

mith:

Oh. So what was the question?

Rainbow Brite:

I was just wondering: how will the writers being on strike affect the show tonight?

mith:

The writers... on strike... oh my... er, I mean, of course everything will be fine, no worries at all. Everything is purely unscripted, anything can happen... now if you'll excuse me, I need to... uh...

mith rushes off, followed by a galloping pony and rider.

Rainbow Brite:

There you have it, folks, everything fine here, nothing to worry about. This is Rainbow... hey, wait a minute. Don't I know you?

Auguste Maquet:

Oui?

Rainbow Brite:

You're Auguste Maquet! I recognize you from your portrait on wikipedia. But... how are you here? Aren't you dead?

mith pokes his head out of a window, shouting.

mith:

He's a ghostly ghostwriter! Haha... get it? Because he's... dead... and a ghostwriter... hahaha... ohgodwearedoomed.

[mith]

Disclaimer:

The following is a live broadcast of mafiascum.net. It was not taped in advance. It was definitely not written in a script-like manner in advance, and mafiascum.net is not liable for any hallucinations you may experience suggesting otherwise. This broadcast may not be reproduced without the express written consent of Vito Corleone. Please turn off your mobile phone. Be kind, rewind. Any disappointment resulting from the viewing of this broadcast is entirely your fault. You have been warned.

(Announcer):

Live from... hey, where am I? Who am I?

(Ominous Voice):

Just read the card.

(Announcer):

Eep. Um... Minions and gentlemen, welcome to the Fifth Annual Scummie Awards! And now, your host... mith!

mith walks out, looking a bit nervous, as the crowd claps.

mith:

Er... hi. I...

(Whispered Voice):

Look at the teleprompter!

mith:

The teleprompter is blank!

The audience isn't sure what to make of mith shouting "The teleprompter is blank!" in the middle of his introduction. Some applaud, some laugh thinking it's some sort of hilarious joke that they don't understand, some wince and groan.

mith:

This isn't going well. Ok. Right. Welcome, everyone! Let's get started right away... first up is... er...

mith looks at the blank teleprompter and the blank note cards on the podium. Finally, Thesp comes on stage.

mith:

...Thesp! One of our judges this year! Each of the judges will be handing out a few awards, and it looks like Thesp is first up. My, that's very organized of us.

Thesp:

Thank you, mith. The first award is the "This Award's Name Needs Improvement" Award for Most Improved Player. And the winner is...

Battle Mage

.

Battle Mage:

err am i sposed to post here?
anyway, i want to play, so please add me to a game when u can.
I do have experience playing this game before, but this site is a bit confusing.

Thesp:

Next is the "George W. Bush" Award for Funniest Role Claim. And the winner is...

DrippingGoofball

for "Loser" in Bastard Mod Mafia.

DrippingGoofball:

This may be "Bastard Mod," but I will have to nominate my role for "worst role ever."

It's so absurdly bad, the Mod didn't even bother giving it a name.

I do have a name for it, though, and that name is "Loser."

(1) There is no win condition for me. I have already lost. That's my role. I have lost.
(2) I cannot acquire a win condition. I am guessing this to mean that even if I were recruited by some cult, if there is one, I still can't win.
(3) My role is that I have lost.

Thesp:

Next is the "Professor Mafia" Award for Contribution to Mafia Discussion. And the winner is...

Kelly Chen

.

Kelly Chen:

Here's a setup I've been thinking about for a while:

Thesp walks off the stage and mith returns.

mith:

Er... thanks, Thesp. Let's take a commercial break. We'll be right back after this...

[mith]

[mith]

The camera cuts to the newbie section in the audience where Mr. Flay is organizing a newbie game in the time given for commercial breaks. He has the newbies undivided attention, and he is trying to explain the setup.

Mr. Flay:

Okay guys, we're going to play a game with 2 mafia, 1 cop, 1 doc, and 3 townies. Er... wait a moment. That's broken for the town.

Uh, how about, 2 mafia, 50% chance of a Cop, 50% chance of a Doc, and the rest townies? We'll call it C9 based on some obscure hexadecimal reference that no one gets! No wait, that's still broken...

How about this: 1 goon, 1 mafia roleblocker, 1 cop, 1 doc, and 3 townies?

Upon hearing this, Mafia Discussion posters - lead by Kelly Chen - get up from their seats and start coming towards Mr. Flay.

Mr. Flay:

Hey! Don't blame me, blame Pie_is_good. It's his setup! Um, let's not do that. How about this: 2 mafia, 1 cop and 4 townies? And we'll call it California based on an extension of the hexadecimal. No wait, my analysis shows that the town only wins 49.9999999% of the time. That's clearly not balanced.

How about this one: 2 mafia, a set of dethy cops, and a townie? Nah, the mafia loses that faster than it takes Thestatusquo to post in a general discussion thread.

How about we do an inadvertent mountainous setup? Oh wait, it's open...

Someone throws an envelope at Mr. Flay. He opens it and reads it.

Mr. Flay:

Ooh! A setup! 1 serial poisoner, 1 jester, 1 lyncher, 1 cult recruiter, 1 lynchee, 1 super saint and 1 bed with handcuffs. What the heck? I can't give this setup to newbies! It only has two town members. Besides, the bed isn't even a role. Who made this setup anyway?

Mr. Flay turns the envelope over to find "-Adel" on it.

Mr. Flay:

Adel...

Mr. Flay turns to Adel with narrow eyes and a mad face.

Mr. Flay:

Nah, you're not even worth my energy. Dani Banani! Go!

Mr. Flay shoots a red and black pokeball at Adel. It hits Adel and Dani Banani pops out.

Adel:

Dani Banani?

Mr. Flay:

He's going to

revert

you.

Back on stage...

mith:

Wait wait wait. I need Adel to present some awards. Why don't you just mark her for deletion? In the meantime...

Adel:

Thank you, mith. Next is the Award for Best Performance: Newbie. And the winner is...

Sudo_Nym

for Newbie 328.

Mr. Flay:

With quiet finality and a sense of dread, DogMom pulls the lever and leee's body is soon swinging in the courtyard. She was pledged to save lives, not take them... and now another person has died because of her actions. Was it the right choice? Depends on your definition of right, I suppose, because Sudo_Nym puts an end to her suffering very shortly thereafter...

Adel:

Next is the "House of Cards" Award for Spectacular Setup. And the winner is...

Kelly Chen

for Assassins in the Palace.

Kelly Chen:

This game is kind of weird; it's the scum who is in the dark.

Adel:

Next is the "Paperback Writer" Award for Tastiest Flavour. And the winner is...

PookyTheMagicalBear

for Mini 461: 24 Mafia.

PookyTheMagicalBear:

The Old Union Train Station was deserted at this time of night, the last train had pulled in from New York City at midnight, nearly 3 hours late and filled with disgruntled passengers whom swore never to ride Amtrak again. Only the late night custodial staff were still around and the occasional homeless person hiding in train bathrooms trying to catch some shuteye away from the cold. In the train depot, the only sounds heard were the squeaking of Frank Johnson's sneakers as he walked the circuit for what seemed to be the thousandth time, cleaning up the platform for people who he knew would not appreciate it, spoiled kids who seemed to think the platform was their garbage can led by adults too busy speaking into their cellphones to teach their children manners.

The wind whispered softly in his ear, but he could not hear it over his earphones and his beloved walkman of twenty years, an old Casio model long outdated but well maintained. As he walked along the platform the soaring arias of Don Giovanni danced in his head and he thought of a world that no longer was within his reach. He never noticed the shadow that passed silently across the 11'o Clock Continental and methodically moved over to him. When the stranger tapped him on the shoulder, he almost shit his pants.

mith:

We'll be right back after this word from our sponsors...

[mith]

[mith]

Meanwhile, in a secret cave backstage, on another more different stage...

Flameaxe:

So guys, I say we should get off this stage and go eat some Ramen.

JDodge

: I REFUSE! Now your ratings have gone down, and the network will cancel you!

Flameaxe:

PEG will back me up on this one, I know it!

Pickemgenius:

ORLY?

JDodge:

Will you shut the hell up? I don’t know why we ever let you in here.

Pickemgenius:

Cause I would kill you all with my serial killerness.

Oman:

Oi! Kison is totally more of a serial killer than you.

Panzerjager:

Oman you’re Aussie, everything is backwards in your mind.

JDodge:

I think you all should shut up and let me use my psychic powers to predict the future.

Flameaxe:

JDodge, don’t tell me you’re Six Aces whose television is five minutes ahead, and the Patriots already won the Super Bowl!

UltimaAvalon:

Good times that night was. I’m going to make a game where Bill Cosby has to find items, by eating people!

Panzerjager

: I’m just going to say I think I’ve seen that done before.

JDodge:

Oh hey! I’m envisioning the future... It’s OhGodMyLife... and he’s going to be completely hammered...

UltimaAvalon:

That's a bold prediction you make, JDodge.

OhGodMyLife has entered the room.

OhGodMyLife:

Mardi Gras is soooooo crazy, I am sooooo wasted right now.

Panzerjager:

And we have a winner!

Flameaxe:

For the bold prediction JDodge made he receives a package of ramen flavoring!

Pickemgenius:

Flameaxe has a fetish for Ramen. Lulz.

UltimaAvalon:

Any other bold predictions, JDodge?

JDodge:

Fresh out of bold predictions at the moment, although I will say I know there are some Scummie ceremony thingy is going on soon.

Pickemgenius:

Fibs.

Flameaxe:

JDodge is actually right on this one... weird... I’m thinking that we’ve already missed like half of it.

Panzerjager:

So we’ve missed all of the irrelevant Scummies and what not?

UltimaAvalon:

I’m feeling a bold prediction coming on from JDodge.

JDodge:

Actually, I really think there are a lot of awesome Scummies to be awarded in the last half of the show.

Pickemgenius:

I agree with JDodge... How many people actually say that in a lifetime? Anyway here to present the next award for...

Back on stage, mith interrupts.

mith:

Hey, that's my job! Guards! ...Oh, never mind. Here's Battle Mage with the next batch of awards.

Battle Mage:

Thank you, mith. Next is the "National Organization Of Beginners" Award for Most Outstanding New Player. And the winner is... vollkan.

vollkan:

/in for next newbie game please

Battle Mage:

Next is the "Name Should Be In Orange" Award for Behind the Scenes Work. And the winner is... Mr. Flay.

Mr. Flay:

JEEP, feel free to correct me if I'm on crack here.

Battle Mage:

Next is the "Johnny Cochrane" Award for Best Role Claim. And the winner is... Gaspar for "Auguste Maquet" in California Trilogy - Dantès in Fresno.

Gaspar:

Ugh, you idiots.

I am not scum. I am Neutral. My rolename is Auguste Maquet, and my win condition was twofold. I had to find and kill Dantes (which I did), and I have to survive. That's it.

"Mr. Grey" was Dantes. I put two and two together when LmL brought it up, and that's why I gunned so hard for his lynch. The following night, I checked to see if Grey was Dantes, and lo and behold, he was. I was informed by the mod that I had killed Dantes (who was actually posing as our lovely host, Mr. Grey). Note that the ensuing day, I dropped the Grey subject and Grey disappeared from Condorcets altogether. Since then, I've been playing to survive. Look for scum, but try not to find too much success.

mith mutters under his breath "What is going on here?" He motions to fade to commercial again.

[mith]

[mith]

mith:

Welcome back. Before we get to the next few awards, let's take a moment to look at some completely random posts from 2007, in our Year in Review...

Glork:

See, I think by "opportunistic," you mean "perfectly sensible."

Karen:

this is obvious, since an honest cop would NEVER let up from a false claim.

Incognito:

And your reason is...?

Flameaxe:

Because 30 minutes is totally hogging the stream...

autoload:

5409

Atticus:

(I Can't count)

Zindaras:

We have to vote lights out before we're able to go to night, remember?

Bookitty:

It's hardly relevant to the game, though, at least in my view. Do you disagree?

Paradoxombie:

Mod: could we get a prod on groinhammer if you haven't sent one already?

Adel:

Shall we press "pause" for a while to give the others a chance to catch up?

mith:

And now, our fourth and final judge, PookyTheMagicalBear, will present the next awards.

As Pooky walks across the stage, mith continues.

mith:

And you're going to have some personality, right Pooky?

Pooky tilts his head.

PookyTheMagicalBear:

Pooky gots your back, mith. Pooky gots your back, mith.

Pooky twitches and resumes his walk to the podium. mith backs away slowly.

PookyTheMagicalBear:

Thank you, mith. Next is the "Hannibal Lecter" Award for Best Serial Killer. And the winner is...

al_kohaulec

for Committee Mafia and Mini 463: Blandville 2.

Mastermind of Sin:

Nick smirked widely as he watched a giant keg roll off the roof onto Christopher's head, crushing him to death. "You all didn't think I could reform, and maybe I can't. But at least I sobered up long enough to get my revenge!" Taking a big swig from the whiskey flask that fell out of Mr. Vincent's hands, he stumbled off down the street, the final living denizen of the once proud but uncoordinated city of Indecision.

PookyTheMagicalBear:

Next is the "Paragon of Mafia Hunters" Award for Exceptional Scum Hunting. And the winner is... Thesp.

Glork:

Two-Headed 2, he replaced into the game though he only made three posts before being nightkilled, he latched onto TWO of the three Mafia-pairs (Glork/MoS and Adele/Pooky) there. In fact, he was nightkilled immediately after replacing into the game in part because we felt he was way too big a threat to our survival.

PookyTheMagicalBear:

Next is the "Don Corleone" Award for Cunning Manipulation. And the winner is... Yosarian2.

Yosarian2:

Hey, I was scum when I said that, therefore I was lying.

Somewhere on one of the front rows of the crowd, Mr Stoofer holds up a sign:

Everyone in the crowd responds the same. Soon, the crowd has transformed into a sea of signs:

mith:

Coming up next, a special presentation, and the last set of awards. Don't miss it!

[mith]

[mith]

Backstage, mith paces, thinking out loud.

mith:

There is something strange going on here. The judges are all acting so weird. I need to get to the bottom of this.

jeep is nearby with a headset on, coordinating the behind the scenes goings on. mith grabs his arm as he passes by.

mith:

Roll with the next bit. I'll be back soon. If I'm not back in time, ban some random people and make the segment last longer.

mith turns to run off, but before he does so he sees writing spray-painted on one of the walls. The writing is out of focus, and before we can make it out we fade to black.

We zoom out of the black to see that we are now back on stage, with a projector screen covering most of our view. A graphic appears.

(Announcer):

As we do every year, we would like to take this time to remember those who have left us in the past year. This collage is just a small representation, and we hope that every one of you can feel a psychic presence shouting "WE MISS YOU, COME BACK!"

The audience stands and applauds. After a few minutes of this, mith returns to the stage.

mith:

That was lovely, thank you. And now, we have a few final awards to present, but first... I have been told we have someone standing by on video. jeep?

There is a pause, and then the screen lights up again. In view are four figures, instantly recognizable by the audience as they have all been on stage earlier in the show. All four are blindfolded and handcuffed to a pipe running across the low ceiling. The audience gasps, and after a moment a fifth figure appears. It is none other than Felinus Maximus.

mith:

You...

Felinus Maximus:

Yes, it is I! Felinus Maximus! Lord of the Tigers! I trust you received my message?

mith:

Yes. Very subtle. "Go back on stage and play our video stream, or your judges get it." What do you want?

Felinus Maximus:

An award, of course. This

is

an awards show, is it not?

mith:

You are an enemy of the site. You will get no award!

Felinus Maximus:

Ah, mith, don't be foolish. Do you really want your precious judges to die? You fool! You feel for the oldest trick in the book! Robot judges replacing the real judges so that you would never figure out our plan until it was too late! And once I have my Scummie, I can use it to power this device, which will bring mafiascum.net to its knees! Bwahaha!

mith:

You know, you probably would have been better off not mentioning the doomsday device until

after

I gave you the award.

Felinus Maximus:

Oh. Right.

mith:

It doesn't matter. I will not taint the Scummies by giving an award to the likes of you.

Felinus Maximus:

WHAT?

mith:

There's something you've failed to realize.

Felinus Maximus:

And what is that?

mith:

You aren't the only one capable of constructing robots.

"mith" suddenly powers down. The camera scans the audience and catches a glimpse of the mysterious - and masked - Mr. Grey, who waves and then vanishes in a puff of smoke. Meanwhile, on the screen, the real mith appears wielding a tiger rifle, and we cut to commercial...

[mith]

[mith]

mith:

Welcome back! One last batch of awards, tiger-free... here we go... First up we have the Award for Most Enjoyable Game: Mini. Let's hear it for...

Maz Medias

for Mini 470: Some Guys Are Trying To Kill You!

Maz Medias:

Life's pretty in good in the little town of Villageton. This morning, however, you've woken up to the mayor's pretty corpse in your town square. Lynch mob go!

mith:

Next we have... yikes, now I'm sounding like a robot, aren't I. Someone do something funny!

Poll Dancer:

Comical Third Option!

mith:

...forget I said anything. The winner of the Award for Most Enjoyable Game: Large is...

Mr Stoofer

for Mafia 60: Face-to-Face!

Mr Stoofer:

Welcome to my humble home, I thought that tonight we'd play a good old fashioned game of Mafia.

mith:

Moving right along, the penultimate award of the evening... The Oscar for Best Performance: Pro-Town... goes to...

The Town of Open 30: Fire and Ice

!

Guardian:

Your town managed to survive the scum threat. You lynched scum 4 consecutive days in a row.

With gleeful joy, you all drink a cup of water from the well. And all is well.

mith:

And finally... there were a lot of nominations for this award. For all the awards. Let's give everyone a round of applause for the great games this year.

Thunderous applause.

mith:

But, as with all the other awards, a difficult choice had to be made, and so The Oscar for Best Performance: Mafia goes to...

petroleumjelly

for Kingmaker II!

petroleumjelly:

Okay, I'll just execute somebody, then.

I'll flip a coin to decide.

mith:

We're almost out of time, but in closing, congratulations to everyone. We'll be doing something special once again the year, to celebrate six years of mafiascum.net, including a second Marathon Day after last year's success - and a special shout-out to Pooky for the 2007 edition, with an amazing win-loss record which everyone will be hoping to get close to. Thanks to Iammars, MichaelSableheart, and pickemgenius for their contributions to the show! Until next year...

Fade to black.

[Kison]

Oman: Oi! Kison is totally more of a serial killer than you.

Thesp looks photoshopped in that one picture.

[xyzzy]

WHAT

I'm not in here

This is a problem

I will fix it by posting

[Guardian]

Well done, writers (=mith?)! Congratulations to all involved. Especially YAY for the town of Fire & Ice . And Kelly Chen -- AITP was revolutionary.

[Iammars]

Nice awards ceremony mith. Needed more deaths though.

[petroleumjelly]

._.

Wow. Not even sure what to say right now.

In any case, fun writing; thanks to mith for whipping up another awards ceremony even with the absence of writers, and thanks to all the judges for their time and effort.

Edit: I also love the pictures with captions!

[pickemgenius]

very nice.

[Streeflo]

Awesome awards ceremony!

Congratulations to all who won =)

[Elias_the_thief]

theres a lack of elias the thief. i blame...um...xyzzy.

[Simenon]

The Lion in Winter

is the only film Hepburn ever deserved anything for.

[Talitha]

Nanook came back! Undercover Nanook came back!

*jumps up and down*

security personnel move swiftly to escort the crazy woman heckler from the building

[hasdgfas]

Good work guys.

[Kelly Chen]

Hm hm, this is interesting.

So, I'm trying to tell for sure who the judges were. Thesp, Pooky, Adel, and BM?

Were some awards not granted?

I'm having trouble recognizing some of those avatars. I recognize The Central Scrutinizer, inHim (right?), spectrumvoid, Jack, STD, someone I should remember but don't with the "it are a fact" kitty, and... that menacing bean thing looks familiar too.

Nice work writing the ceremony guys.

[Kison]

Coron is the anime guy from DN

ChannelDelibird is the mitton

Pbug is the cat.