Micro 1089: the coalition, again [scum PT]

[hellbooks]

Tragically i feel like ive sacrificed too much of my time i need to spend on doing real life obligations this week already to be able to continue Wanting it More than the others, i want to grind it out and really do all i can to bring it home for skitter but the feeling of simply being unable to keep up was so visceral over the past couple days

The post about lurking at work is a very real lamentation of my extremely limited ability to do any sorts of things these days and how i seem to be putting all of that ability to this

[hellbooks]

As fun as it is
Its like after spending a morning in the thread i feel so winded
Like it will take me an hour to switch gears back to work mode

[hellbooks]

i am struggling to put to words how there is really nothing in the game of mafia to me like being the 2 in a 2:7 micro game, and what contracts of promise or loyalty are established from that
for example, skitter30 is the only other person in existence that knows what it was like to be scum in this specific game and it just feels like that ought to count for something. my brain would want to romanticize it by coming up with a scenario of two people fighting back-to-back against a circle of outnumbering enemies in like an "us against the world" way. or an "

i am heathcliff

" way

(<--wuth spoilers i guess)

i guess in any other situation i'd find it hard to resist deciding to just be done and let it reach its foregone conclusion! and protect myself from the miserable possibility of overdrawing my energy and time to make serious game related content and having it all immediately be for nothing. but in this one id still like to do my best tomorrow, even lacking the skill or experience or precedent of having made any particularly serious or successful arguments in this game. in the losing scenario im moved to try and make do emotionally with the simple fact that at least i tried to give honor to the experience of having skitter shove me into the one escape pod that we have and wishing me good luck before jettisoning me out of the sinking ship

[hellbooks]

its funny to imagine datisi reading that big "hellbooks makes a last stand" sob story while also seeing me going like "looks like i only have to make 1 post tomorrow " in the main thread

[hellbooks]

now im embarrassed for saying all that
if i didnt want to be pitied that was probably not the way to have that happen

[hellbooks]

"ok for example i find myself completely unable to click on a page number thats below, say, 191
and my whole "skitter temple" statement is just a way to communicate how little i want to go and reread right now"

sorry but the way that this is such a lie and is just me using low wim as an excuse to not go backand address something that i have literally no way of addressing
like i cant go back and be like "yeah we didnt do that. we didnt high five as i tagged skitter into the coalition"

because thats what we did

[hellbooks]

i love this little personal quest i have to not reveal in the main thread AT ALL the way that "wim" has had such an iron grip on my mind

for literally no reason at all i just decided i wanted to hide it

[hellbooks]

i just wanted to have an additional little lie about me not knowing what wim is so i can practice lying

[hellbooks]

the 1 2 7 3 vc end to my 20 poststravaganza wasnt intended i just kind of saw that i had 5 posts left and was opportunistic about it

[hellbooks]

im glad i am continuing to be able to come up with high-concept throughlines for my walls

[hellbooks]

i guess fire kindof came up with this one for me
preciate it

[hellbooks]

i just wanted to have an additional little lie about me not knowing what wim is so i can practice lying

now that ive said this i desperately wnat to break the 1 post rule to be like "ok so what the fuck is wim. what is wim. i ltierally dont know what that means" in the main thread

[hellbooks]

sam from perks voice: we accept the mislims we think we deserve
[pearly dewdrops drops plays in the background]

[hellbooks]

controversially and wrongly going to suggest that out of all of the media ive referenced, perks of being a wallflower might be the least annoying one
and of course i cant reference it in main thread for another 12 hours

[hellbooks]

and the thing that realy stings is i HAD the posts i had 5 of them left and of course as soon as i piss them away on 1273 down the rockefeller street NOW i have all this stuff to say

[hellbooks]

what you see here in the past 5 pages of this PT is the effects of prolongued isolation on the brain

[hellbooks]

im a member of a very "based" group whos first thought about emma watson's acting roles is always "oh yeah she was sam from perks"'

[hellbooks]

controversially and wrongly going to suggest that out of all of the media ive referenced, perks of being a wallflower might be the least annoying one

no its literally not its the most annoying one what the fuck was a thinking
that movie literally ended with heroes by david bowie
and PDD didnt even play in the movie it was just on the soundtrack album i think

[hellbooks]

no im simply going to have to stand by the importance of that movie to me

[hellbooks]

i definitely had the thought to come in here today and say something completely inane in three words or less and then be like "alright ive been prohibited from saying anymore" and i guess even now im resisting the impulse to delete all this and do that still
but then i guess id have to come back and say something on saturday so might as well get it all out now

ngl this is kind of what i was expecting for a while but i appreciate busting out all the chops

AND I CANT EVEN SAY THANK YOU
what fresh hell have i imposed upon myself

[hellbooks]

fire's brilliant propagandizing by using "busting out all the chops" a phrase that we've rhetorically established as something that scum does

[hellbooks]

sam from perks voice: we accept the mislims we think we deserve
[pearly dewdrops drops plays in the background]

thinking about this and thinking about all of the ways in which i will never be able to change and feeling myself getting killd from the inside

[hellbooks]

i think it just makes way more narrative sense for me to lose so that this PT becomes like a posthumously released piece of "found writing"
instead of all of the whining that would seem extra unnecessary if the whiner ended up winning anyway

[hellbooks]

fire's brilliant propagandizing by using "busting out all the chops" a phrase that we've rhetorically established as something that scum does

maybe this means that in spite of it all fire has only beomce convinced that im scum after all that

[hellbooks]

if i lose im not going to say any thing in post game but not because i was sore about it (in fact ill be very proud and happy for all of you) but because i want the truth of my inner state to remain a mystery that people are going to ahve to piece together from the posthumous release