Spoil a Wish II

[StrangerCoug]

International Mish Mash Month 2023 brought it back for a day, and I thought it was fun enough to revive as its own thread.

I will start by posting a wish. The next poster will grant that wish, but with a caveat or consequence that... doesn't make the original wish all that I chalked it up to be. Then that poster will follow it up with their own wish to be spoiled, and the cycle continues until everybody is bored of playing.

Let's get started:

I wish for this thread to be as successful as the last one.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You forget your spacesuit and suffocate.

I wish to be out of credit card debt.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It's dead.

I wish to be more productive at work.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Your wish must instead suffer not getting what it wants.

I wish my dream keyboard didn't cost an arm and a leg.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You are decapitated with it.

I wish my cat would stop waking me up every morning for breakfast.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It still makes no logical sense to you since people do not always behave logically.

I wish the USPS would drop off packages at my doorstep. It's a gated apartment community.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You bring Jeffrey Dahmer back to life. I... kinda wish that person stayed dead...

I wish Ethel did not revive Jeffrey Dahmer.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It takes up a lot of space in your house, and you don't have the proper resources to care for it. It's friendly, all right, but feels a bit uncared for from you.

I wish to be married to a beautiful wife.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You make it sunny 24/7/365, not realizing you're creating a worldwide drought.

I wish for the negative effects of climate change to be permanently reversed.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You can still die other ways, and you get run over by an eighteen-wheeler.

I wish for caffeine.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. I hope you like being snowed in your car for a few days.

I wish my smoke alarm wouldn't go off at random.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. There are razor blades in it.

I wish my cat liked being cuddled more.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. That's your

TOTAL

net worth. You don't even have clothes to your name, for crying out loud!

I wish I had a motorcycle.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted.

ALL

music on public transportation has been outlawed, even if you're listening with headphones at a reasonable volume.

I wish I were immortal.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It's not the one of the two

you

think is better, and you start a flame war with the other side and trash your online reputation in the process.

I wish that American politics weren't a train wreck.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It's undercooked and you get food poisoning as a result.

I wish to be fluent in English, Spanish, French, modern Greek, and Japanese.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. I slip some arsenic in it while you're not looking.

I wish for more mental stimulation.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Everybody else in the orchestra sucks at violin.

I wish to never feel lonely.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You're falsely accused of using an aimbot and banned from the server.

I wish I had perfect memory.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. China and Nepal both consider you a drug trafficker and you are arrested when you leave the mountain by whichever country you immediately go back to and extradited. No more teleporter for you.

I wish I didn't have the fear of missing out.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It's still nigh impossible for you to

explain

those subjects just as concisely.

I wish for new dress shoes.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. That's the only thing you can eat without getting sick, and it gets boring all the time.

I wish it didn't cost so much to board my cat while I'm gone on a family vacation.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It's unfortunately not enough to help you buy a home.

I wish to kill Tucker Carlson and get away with it.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It catches fire.

I wish I lived in Canada.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You are addicted to gambling and lose about $5,000 a month to the habit.

I wish my Internet worked.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Too bad all the jobs you're qualified for that pay well are at night.

I wish I didn't get stressed out over money so easily.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. The wish that comes true is someone else's wish of your death.

I wish to take a vacation to Las Vegas.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You do a perfect cartwheel right off a rooftop and plummet to your death.

I wish to win the lottery.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You find yourself better off just having it exchanged for American dollars. At least they're worth a couple months' or so of minimum wage pay.

I wish to save more money.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You lose conscience and sentience as a result.

I wish I had a second cat for my current one to play with.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You're stressed about your love life.

I wish I had faster download speeds.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. There's now such a thing as space rage. People upset at how other people are operating their spaceships take out their violence on them, with deadly results.

I wish to build my own house.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. They're both stale.

I wish I earned a dollar a minute.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You don't live to see it.

I wish I could afford some upgrades to my gaming rig.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You get a plastic toy tuba. Hey, it still plays music if you're willing to put batteries in it...

I wish my Uber driver didn't make a U-turn when he could've made just a left turn to get me home from work.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Your bed teleports to the bed of someone who shoots trespassers. You had better start running, or at least teleporting back quickly.

I wish I had the will to become a better artist.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It doesn't ever rain or snow where you're physically present at, and the only way for you to stop the resulting drought is for you to leave. The magic shield does, however, save you from being crushed by pianos, though. Poor piano.

I wish to know who tried to drop a piano on vonflare's head.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You forget it during the heist, which does go wrong, and the police won't let you go back home for it.

I wish Uber weren't so expensive.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Every day of the year is a holiday. It becomes hard to get work done due to few people wanting to work on a holiday.

I wish for a few more people to play my Lingo game.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. A neural implant is placed in your brain that is targeted by hackers, and you lose control over what you type.

I wish I didn't have technical issues with my work computer.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You still have to drink in order not to die of dehydration, and your not having to eat anymore is used as an excuse to put you on a liquid diet (even though you don't need one).

I wish I never had to sleep.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. There's not as much supply of them since they're such a new technology, and the resulting prices mean that you can't afford them.

I wish I could decide on what to have for dinner.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You make me happy to kill you.

I wish my cat and I would live forever.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. They still pee on the seat and forget to flush every so often.

I wish for a raise at work.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It's not so excellent this time around and you get food poisoning from it.

I wish for the bugs in my apartment to stop setting off the smoke alarms.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You have been expelled from the class they were for.

I wish to be a better writer.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. The Ojibwe aren't fond of you using a non-traditional dreamcatcher made by New Age people appropriating their culture, and they curse your dreamcatcher so that you only ever get nightmares.

I wish I had a true quiet space of my own in my parents' house.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. The sheer cost of it bankrupts you.

I wish for my brother's birthday to go well.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Ethel does not get younger accordingly and can't use that power to grant effective immortality.

I wish this house I am visiting weren't so trashed.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Nothing innovative ever happens because people are so unwilling to stray from tradition, and scientific progress grinds to a halt.

I wish to know if my cat misses me.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. People treat the go sign the same as a green light, and car crashes (especially collisions with pedestrians) increase as a result.

I wish for people to be better drivers generally.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Sales and property taxes are raised to compensate.

I wish my nephew didn't blast loud rap music while he's recording.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. She is a young-Earth creationist.

I wish for my younger niece to enjoy the birthday present I got her.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. They gather

IN

your house. Uninvited. The police are slowpokes, too.

I wish I could have a longer summer vacation that I could spend with my cat.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You suck at managing your money, which leaves you constantly broke.

I wish there were more comfortable seating at the airport gate.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Even with it on schedule, it doesn't go as planned.

I wish my cat didn't pee on me when I was called to help put her in her carrier to take her home.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You suck at baking, though.

I wish to try more foods.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It comes at the cost of all of your money. Hey, at least you find happiness in poverty.

I wish it weren't so damn hot in Texas right now.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You have been banned from the site for being an abusive killjoy.

I wish I didn't have to worry about boarding my cat again.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You are motivated by hatred of everyone you don't consider to be anything like you. You are sucked into extremism and lose touch of reality.

I wish I had real-life friends to have fun with.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You are so good at it that commissioners ask you almost every day if you could draw things you find... um... morally questionable.

I wish for Ethel not to be forced to draw morally questionable stuff.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Instead, you have food poisoning from a bad batch of steak tartare.

I wish I were a better swimmer.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You leave it too close to your curtains and your house burns down since the firefighters can't put out the fire.

I wish it were payday already.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. The forum crashes from the sheer number of people trying to post in this thread.

I wish to be promoted at work.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Turns out you're a suspect in my boss's death, but at least you have the fortitude to handle the investigators.

I wish to know whether humaneatingmonkey killed my boss.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Someone runs a red light and crashes into it the moment you drive it off the lot.

I wish for a girlfriend.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You overbid on all the items up for bids and don't make it out of contestants' row.

I wish for a

human

girlfriend.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You still have to pay for health insurance, and it's expensive as anything. Welcome to America.

I wish my heater worked better.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. He cheats on you.

I wish I were better at self-care.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It's run by someone who's even more of a control freak.

I wish to be President of the United States.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It's buried under your house.

I wish appliances would never break.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You're just in the audience, not a contestant.

I wish for my own private mansion.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. That's you. Enjoy your modding responsibilities.

I wish people behaved more rationally.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You fly into a building and die... by suicide, since the players in your Deception game are insufferable jerks to each other, making modding the game less fun.

I wish the people in DragonEater70's Deception game didn't drive him to suicide.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Yours isn't so merry.

I wish to get back to learning Japanese.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Apparently, everybody wants to be at war with everybody else.

I wish for the world not to be destroyed by war.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. The world is taken over by a dictator who arrests anyone he thinks is going against his plan to fight climate change, even if that person had a better idea.

I wish I didn't have anxiety about having to interact with strangers. Sometimes they act unpredictably...

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. The Earth's orbit is disrupted as a result, ending life on this planet as we know it.

I wish to tour the world.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Problem is, oleander leaves weren't supposed to be one of the toppings on your pizza...

I wish I could bike.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Nobody plays them.

I wish the dishes would wash themselves.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. A good chunk of them are still greedy.

I wish to be a world-famous author.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You have so many that it's hard to maintain all of those friendships, and some get suspicious that you don't actually like them that much.

I wish I had better sleep habits.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It hates you and actively tries to sabotage everything you do.

I wish conspiracy theorists would realize how out of touch with reality some of what they believe is.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Climate change doesn't. The world may not be unbearably hateful anymore, but it's still unbearably hot.

I wish I didn't suck at chess.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. I hope you're not a pescetarian, because all fish species have gone extinct.

I wish I could afford new dining room furniture.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You accidentally kill yourself with it.

I wish to get rid of the fish smell.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. The money is counterfeit and you are arrested.

I wish work were more interesting.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. They win Super Bowl LIX, and you die the day after.

I wish I could do something about Iprobablysuck having only about a year to live.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You're seen as too nice and taken advantage of.

I wish for my family's financial situation to improve.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You start having dreams where you are being attacked by a group of ax-wielding zombies.

I wish I got paid every day.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. They are ridiculed for reminding people too much of Barney's color scheme.

I wish I had more toys for my cat to play with.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You are killed by them.

I wish ChatGPT were a bit better with brainstorming for my story.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You're under arrest for the murder of Thomas Midgley, Jr.

I wish it were easier to learn Japanese.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You are accused of getting whoever that is banned from Mish Mash for spamming.

I wish for this wish to be corrupted only once.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You are subjected to unethical experiments on this ability that put your life in danger.

I wish for vonflare to survive these unethical experiments.

[StrangerCoug]

...despite those being the biters that ate all your oil refineries? OK, granted. Good luck building those refineries back.

I wish to help control the bunny population.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. The rocket explodes when you try to launch it.

I wish I didn't have writer's block.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted, but you still don't have enough of them. Someone botched your order for them and gave you mostly red circuits.

I wish to figure out what to do with the red circuits.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You make 1¢ more an hour than you currently do. The extra $20.80 a year (give or take) doesn't have any appreciable effect on your financial situation.

I wish I had a more social life.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. They get taken advantage of more often as a result.

I wish I had the money down to buy a house.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Now that it's overdue and the deadline has passed, your job is on your line. You've got some explaining to do with your boss...

I wish my cat liked her carrier better.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. They attack and kill you.

I wish to be about 10 years younger.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You lose all understanding of English.

I wish I were more athletic.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Your head hurts instead.

I wish I could have food teleported to me.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. That explains how you got 100 mSv of radiation so quickly.

I wish for a change of pace.

[StrangerCoug]

*gives you poisonous fish*

I wish for Jake the Wolfie to eat the poisonous fish

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. I burn it before you ever get to see it.

I wish I could afford velvet couches.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It's also kinda boring.

I wish to find a buyer for all these velvet couches I can't fit in my apartment.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. It gets vandalized overnight the first time you park it on your driveway.

I wish for storage shelves.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You never wake up from it.

I wish to learn how to flambé.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. They hack into your account and post in necroposting games you haven't posted in to make it look like you've played them before.

I wish I never had writer's block.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. The reason he couldn't wake up in the first place is because he was dead. Religious fanatics claim that you are a witch for bringing him back to life and they burn you at the stake. Guess who's dead instead?

I wish for more people to sign up for my game.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You are accused of cheating and banned from the game.

I wish I could afford to buy a house.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. By then you are dead.

I wish for chocolate cake.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. You are strangled with it.

I wish to stop stressing over everything.

[StrangerCoug]

Granted. Your computer's motherboard isn't. Doesn't do your GPU much good, now does it?

I wish politicians were less corrupt.