Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Xmas - Gaybepocalypse

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

a game by Reck, UT, and SleepyKrew

Still Saving Baby Jesus (5/13):

Spoiler:

Aronis
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Flames682

Gone to a Better Place [or not] (8/13):

Spoiler:

GuyInFreezer [Ted Cruz] -

Jew

- poisoned by a black dildo WE1
Thestatusquo [Mitch McConnell] -

Righteous Christian Warrior

- shot in the face by Bert D1
T S O [George W. Bush] -

Righteous Christian Warrior

- ripped apart while stoned D1
Konowa [Timothy Dolan] -

Righteous Christian Warrior

- choked to death on a black dildo WE2
FuDuzn [Thomas Stephen "Tom" Monaghan] --

Righteous Christian Warrior

-- was driven to pizzacide D2
Mathdino [Bill Donahue] --

Righteous Christian Warrior

- choked to death on some black cockfruitcake WE3
Marquis [Karen Santorum] --

Brainwashed Liberal

- stabbed in the gut by Rick Santorum D3

crazypianist1116 [Ann Coulter] --

Righteous Christian Warrior

- consumed by her own hungry asshole D4

Ejected Into Space (Modkilled):

Spoiler:

Nobody, hopefully.

Spoiler: Votecounter Settings

LIVING PLAYERS

Aronis
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Flames682

LINKS

Day 1: Post #122
Day 2: Post #551
Day 3: Post #892
Day 5: Post #1059

DEADLINE

2015-01-19 17:00:00 -5.00

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

General Rules

1) Starting and Ending States:

All roles that can communicate at Night may do during pregame. The game will end when one faction has fulfilled its win condition, unless otherwise specified.

2) Day Procedures:

Each player may discuss the game and cast a single vote at a time against people they want to lynch. Day ends when either the deadline hits or a strict majority of the votes are on one person.

3) Voting:

Votes should be in

bold

in order for them to count, for instance:

Vote: The Homosexual Agenda

. You may also use the VOTE: tags if you desire. Please ensure you post the FULL name of the person you're voting for, as the autovotecount system won't pick it up if you use nicknames or forget to put a comma after the word vote.

4) No Lynch:

As an alternative to voting for someone, you may

Vote: No Lynch

, but for it to take effect, enough players must vote No Lynch that it would be impossible to form any other majority.

5) Deadlines:

D1 deadline will be 3 weeks. Every day from then on will have a strict deadline of 2 weeks, unless a ridiculous amount of replacements are needed.

6) Mass Inactivity:

In an act of pure villainy, I may shorten the deadline if I deem the activity level is unsatisfactory. You will be warned if I want you fellows to pick up the pace.

7) Deadline Lynches:

If no single player has enough votes for a lynch at the deadline, the result is No Lynch and the game proceeds to Night. Deadlines are there for a reason.

8) Twilight:

After someone receives the majority vote, everyone may still discuss the game, but votes and unvotes will not be considered - the person voted for by the majority will be lynched regardless. Twilight will last until I waltz in and post a death scene (which can be quite short, but never really long)

9) Night Length and Procedures:

The topic will be locked at Night. If your Role PM specifies that you have a Night Action, you may follow the instructions on that PM to use it. Barring extenuating circumstances, Nights will not last longer than 3 RL days.

10) Night Action Resubmission:

If you have to PM a choice to the mod (i.e. the name of someone you want to kill/protect/investigate), you may change your choice at any time during the Night by sending The Mod another PM with the new choice. The most recent choice will be honored.

11) Night Action Priority:

This game will use natural action resolution, unless otherwise stated by the mod.

12) Bolding Stuff:

Bolding something is how you get the mod to notice it. It's that simple.

13) Mod Color:

If The Mods needs to edit your post, it will be done in

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. Don't impersonate me, or I'll cut off your thumbs and feed them to you.

14) Activity, Prods, and Replacements:

You will be prodded if three days have passed since your last post. You will be replaced if you do not post after another 24 hours, or if you need to be prodded three times throughout the game. If you know ahead of time that you will not be able to participate for at least 48 hours, go ahead and announce it in-thread so nobody (such as the mod) thinks you're lurking. I reserve the right to blacklist flakers or people who maliciously replace out.

15) "Last Words" for replacements:

If you request replacement, you may PM me a message that you would like to have passed on to the person who replaces you.

16) "Bah!" Posts:

If your player slot is killed off, it's probably because people don't want you around. Unless your role specifically states you can keep talking/voting/playing parcheesi with me, you are allowed one informationless "bah" post and then scram til endgame. Special mechanics can of course overlap

17) Outside Discussion:

Don't discuss this game outside of this thread with anyone unless your Role PM lets you do otherwise.

18) Post Editing:

Editing or deleting posts is not allowed (and usually not possible). Doublepost with your changes instead.

19a) Mod and PM quoting:

For role PMs, If you quote it, you will be modkilled. You can send me the reformulation (I'm pretty loose with reformulation) and I will tell you if posting it is allowed or if it needs further modifications. If you quote a PM from me, you will be terminated (barring questions about rules or something).

19b) QTs and Private Communication:

If it is a moderator provided method of communication (i.e., neighbor QT, or masons who can daytalk and use AIM)

do not quote it in the thread

. Obviously, do not provide links to the QT in any way shape or form.

20) Modkills:

Breaking any of the above three rules (or flagrantly violating Rule 16) will result in you getting modkilled. Modkills can be retroactive. If a living player breaks any of these rules, the day may or may not end, depending on what would disadvantage that player's faction the most. In addition, getting modkilled results in an instant loss for that player, along with my general hatred. In short, follow the rules, don't be a dick.

21) Small/Invisible text:

You may use smaller text if it amuses you, as long as it's not meant to bypass a rule. As in, no hidden messages or shit like that. I will fuck you up for fucking with my game.

22) Win Mentality:

Play to win.

23) Policy:

Have fun. Or else. And remember, it's a game - keep it classy and don't take things personally; everyone's doing what they have to to win.

24) Setup Design:

You can try to outguess the mod, but it's probably pointless. Flavor is being used as the backbone of the game, but the game is unbreakable by flavor. Certain aspects of the setup were designed around flavor, whereas other aspects had the flavor applied after the fact.

25) Flavor:

Flavor revolves around a Christmas Party hosted by Rick Santorum in order to raise awareness and support for his side in the Liberal War on Christmas, and his party has been infiltrated by filthy secret liberals.

Game Mechanics

1) Starting Power:

There are no power roles in the game at the start outside of factional abilities.

2) Nightless:

There are no nights in this game, and thus actions must be submitted prior to day's end.

3) White Elephant:

In place of a traditional night phase, instead there will be a Gift Exchange phase. This will work like a White Elephant gift exchange, except some of these giftboxes will have powers/abilities in them!

This phase will work like this:

• An ordered list is posted at the start of the phase... I.E., Reck, UT, SleepyKrew
  
• Reck is up first. He selects Box #2.
  
• UT is up. He may either select Box #1 or Box #3, or he may steal Box #2 from Reck. If he does, Reck selects either Box #1 or Box #3. Reck selects Box #1.
  
• Sleepykrew is up. He steals Box #1 from Reck. Reck, now boxless, decides to steal back his Box #2 from UT. This leaves UT with Box #3.

At the end of this phase, everyone will open their box and receive a PM with its contents.

Spoiler: Sample Role PM

Joseph Farah

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Rush Limbaugh

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


You're a cumguzzling hatedumpster who continues being given a radio show because your superiors care more about money and clickbait than decency and being even semi-moral human beings. But, hey, that's what works, and Papa Rush gets his money (and his rocks off) by screaming about black Muslim terrorists in the White House and whipping morons who still listen to AM radio into a panic about ebola. But you do have a big following (and bukus of that Blue Cross Blue Shield sponsorship dolla dolla), so of course you were invited to Ground Zero of the War on Christmas. Along with your similarly snowskinned brethren, in order to fight the Liberals, you will eat, drink, be merry... but mostly, the eating.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

"Iiiiiiiii'm dreaming of a white Christmas..."

The velvety sounds of Kenny Rodgers blares across the Santorum household. Casual conversations form a soft murmur beneath the sound of the music. People sip on eggnog and brandy and wine while others munch away at cookies and whatever the hell figgy pudding is supposed to be. This was the definition of Christmas: a bunch of old white people in a house together casually drinking and ignoring Leviticus law in order to discuss how to use Leviticus law to justify killing the gays. Indeed, this would be Rick Santorum's greatest Christmas ever.

He surveyed the house, crossing his arms and smiling out at the gathering of people. The music, the giant tree, the snow gently falling outside... everything was just perfect. This is the sacred tradition that he held near and dear. This was what he remembered of his childhood (minus the whole drunken-father-beating-him-with-a-belt-thing) and this was what those goddamned Hippie Liberal Communist Treefuckers wanted to take away from him. For years, nobody took Rick and his ilk seriously, laughing it off as he clamored on and on about a War on Christmas. Now, though... NOW, who was laughing?

Rick used his fancy remote to turn down the music in the house and asked everyone to gather around.

RICK SANTORUM:

My fellow Americans. We are gathered here today to celebrate that most American of holidays: Christmas.

RUSH LIMBAUGH:

What about Independence Day?

RICK SANTORUM:

Quiet, you. Back when the Founding Fathers created this country for Jesus, they definitely intended for us to be celebrating Christmas, which is why it's right there in the Constitution. Now before you say to me "but Rick, that's not in the Constitution", I'd like to just counter you by saying I haven't read it and I don't intend to. Have you ever tried to read that thing? It's terrible. Besides, our church leaders and talk radio personalities have read it for us and remind us about what's in it every chance they get. Thanks for that, by the way. You're really doing God's work. So that brings us to my main point, I just want to say how glad I am that we're all here for the same reason, which is fighting the War on Christmas. As all of us have been saying for years, the secularist liberals are trying to destroy Christmas. It's literally the best time of the year and they want to get rid of it. We need to first figure out why they hate Christmas. My theory is that they hate children. Their addiction to abortion on demand and contraception is proof of that, I think. Now if we consult my powerpoint presentation-

The lights suddenly cut out. The music keeps playing, but a very distinct

squelch

is heard midst the chaotic murmuring. After a few moments, the lights flicker back on. Someone shrieks. There, lying in a pool of blood, urine, and feces, is the fresh, warm corpse of Rush Limbaugh.

This is it. The liberals are striking. It is time to save Christmas.

NPC [Rush Limbaugh] -

Righteous Christian Warrior

- had his throat slit pre-game

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo
GuyInFreezer
Marquis
Aronis
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6
Box 7
Box 8
Box 9
Box 10
Box 11
Box 12
Box 13

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 13)
GuyInFreezer
Marquis
Aronis
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6
Box 7
Box 8
Box 9
Box 10
Box 11
Box 12

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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[Sir Elton Hercules John]

mod, is there any identifying factors to the boxes at all. I.E. is there something about them that a smart player will be able to figure out in order to "play" this stage rather than it being completely random?

I guess what I'm asking is, is this game play with cues for us to play this game, or is this just meant as a brief diversion?

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[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 13)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis
Aronis
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 5
Box 6
Box 7
Box 8
Box 9
Box 10
Box 11
Box 12

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis (Box 13)
Aronis
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 5
Box 6
Box 7
Box 8
Box 9
Box 10
Box 11
Box 12

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis (Box 13)
Aronis
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 5
Box 6
Box 7
Box 8
Box 9
Box 10
Box 11

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis (Box 13)
Aronis (Box 7)
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 5
Box 6
Box 8
Box 9
Box 10
Box 11

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis (Box 13)
Aronis (Box 7)
Bert (Box 9)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 5
Box 6
Box 8
Box 10
Box 11

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis (Box 13)
Aronis (Box 7)
Bert (Box 9)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 6)
Konowa (Box 1)
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 2
Box 5
Box 8
Box 10
Box 11

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis (Box 13)
Aronis (Box 7)
Bert (Box 9)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 6)
Konowa (Box 1)
Flames682 (Box 11)
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 2
Box 5
Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis (Box 13)
Aronis (Box 7)
Bert (Box 9)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 6)
Konowa (Box 1)
Flames682 (Box 11)
crazypianist1116 (Box 2)
FuDuzn
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 5
Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis (Box 13)
Aronis (Box 7)
Bert (Box 9)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 6)
Konowa (Box 1)
Flames682 (Box 11)
crazypianist1116 (Box 2)
FuDuzn (Box 8)
Mathdino
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 5
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis (Box 13)
Aronis (Box 7)
Bert (Box 9)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 6)
Konowa (Box 1)
Flames682 (Box 11)
crazypianist1116 (Box 5)
FuDuzn (Box 8)
Mathdino (Box 2)
T S O

Boxes Remaining:

Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Selection order:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 4)
Marquis
Aronis (Box 7)
Bert (Box 13)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 9)
Konowa (Box 1)
Flames682 (Box 11)
crazypianist1116 (Box 5)
FuDuzn (Box 8)
Mathdino (Box 6)
T S O (Box 2)

Boxes remaining:

Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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Final gifts:

Thestatusquo (Box 12)
GuyInFreezer (Box 10)
Marquis (Box 4)
Aronis (Box 7)
Bert (Box 13)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 9)
Konowa (Box 1)
Flames682 (Box 11)
crazypianist1116 (Box 5)
FuDuzn (Box 8)
Mathdino (Box 6)
T S O (Box 2)

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

*NOTE: Anyone who received a relevant ability as part of their gift will get a PM.

RICK SANTORUM:

"Okay, friends! Everyone's got their gift... now go ahead and rip 'em apart like Obama rips apart the constitution!"

Everyone begins to tear into their gifts on cue, shredding paper and ribbons and ripping open boxes to reveal their rewards...

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GuyInFreezer lets out an odd noise and everyone looks over at him...

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

As he carefully pulled the wrapping paper away, being careful to pull along the tape lines so as to save the paper for a later date, Ted Cruz held his breath. Christmas was such a rare treat from him since secretly converting to Judaism. He laid the wrapping paper aside and opened the box. He stuck his hand in the box and felt around to see if he could guess what the gift was by touch alone. As his fingers brushed the rubbery surface of the gift, the black sludgy ichor running through his veins in lieu of true Christian blood froze and slowed to a crawl, in accordance to typical Jew physiology. He felt around the gift, but his hands were growing numb with shock. He thought for an instant that he could somehow get out of this, talk his way out of it like he so often did with those gotcha reporter questions about whether or not he thought Obama was literally Hitler, but then Rick Santorum said "Teddy, what's in the box?" and he knew it was over. He knew that there was no getting out of this anyway, since clearly someone put this in his box as an attempt to blackmail him. Slowly, his whole arms tingling with shock, he lifted the gigantic black dildo out of the box. It glistened carelessly by the light of the Christmas Tree. Several participants audibly gasped. The women looked away. The big rubbery cock flopped about like a windsock from Ted Cruz shaking with rage and embarrassment.

Suddenly, he was a child again. The back of his neck burned red and he stared at the ground as his father mercilessly berated him. He had brought home a friend, a little black child, and was making him a sandwich in the kitchen. His father had come home and demanded to know why Teddy was giving this little

negro

a handout. That's what

Communists

did, and there were no fucking Communists in the Cruz household. This kid could work for his sandwich or go home hungry, as God clearly intended for him to do. Teddy was crying, because he didn't understand why. His father had taken his belt off and was threatening to whip Teddy, who barely registered the threat through his tears, while yelling that his friend was lucky he was in a good mood, because he wasn't going to whip Teddy THIS time, but next time he'd have to watch someone bleed.

He came back. He was still clumsily holding the dildo, although it was drooping closer to his face, and he had hit himself in the nose with it. The dildo finally flopped out of his hand and landed squarely in the bowl of cross-shaped pretzels. Ted wondered where his friend was now. He wondered if he could join him on welfare, since his career was over.

Ted Cruz, the filthy fucking Jew, has his career ended by a big black dildo. What are the fucking odds.

He slumped forward in his chair. He needed to stress-eat. He grabbed a handful of pretzels out of the bowl and crammed them in his mouth. He licked the salt off of his fingers and it was only at that point that he noticed that his hands were stickier than usual. While he usually had a least a hint of christian infant blood on his hands, from the ritualistic jew murders, this was an unfamiliar taste. Somewhat metallic. A little tangy. He was grabbing for a second handful of pretzels to shove in his shamehole when he noticed his face tightening up. He was having trouble breathing. He grabbed his throat when the pain started, but at that point he knew what would happen. He remembered the slimy texture on the dildo when he picked it up and knew in that moment he was going to die.

Rafael Edward "Ted" Tiberius Jiménez Saskatchewan Fingolfin Sousaphone Wongfoo Cruz died the way he lived, poisoned by a black cock.

GuyInFreezer [Ted Cruz] -

Jew

- poisoned by a black dildo WE1

---

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Mitch remembered the last time he'd had a loaded gun pointed at his head. Summer of '63, he'd been interning in a Christian biker gang called Angels of the Asphalt. He remembered the way the wind was kicking around a few grass stems when he looked down at his feet. He was staring at the grass while he listened to Jebediah explaining to the rival bikers that they were just distributing Bibles. The conversation ended with a gunshot and Mitch felt that familiar mixture of warmth and shame as he lost control of his bladder. As Mitch stared down the barrel of the gun and thought about Mother, the sound of hoofbeats emerged out of the echoes of the gun report. A tall cowboy astride a golden horse appeared, as if from nowhere, aiming three six shooters (he held one with his dong) at the rival bikers. The heavenly cowboy cocked his head to the side and followed the rival bikers with his guns as they silently got on their choppers and sped off into the California desert.

The golden cowboy holstered his weapons and led his horse over to the sprawled figure of Jebediah. He sighed sadly, and his majestic penis extended out to Jebediah and slowly caressed his gunshot wound. The wound healed over before Mitch's astonished eyes, as the figure's shining yogurt slinger receded back into its glorious denim love den. Jebediah got up and slowly rubbed the area where the bullethole had been. Mitch ran to the golden stranger as his horse slowly walked off into the desert.

"Who are you?" Mitch blurted out.

The figure turned slowly in his saddle and like the warm caress of cigar smoke on the soft palate, the stranger's words soaked into Mitch's soul and warmed the fiber of his being.

"My name is Saint Ronald Wilson Reagan, and you are now a Republican."

In a way, Mitch's life began the last time he had seen the business end of a gun. It was a poetic beauty that again in front of a gun, under this tasteful nude portrait of Reagan, his life would now end.

And like all good Republicans, he was thinking of Reagan when the bullet hit.

thestatusquo [Mitch McConnell],

Righteous Christian Warrior

, shot in the face Day 1

With 11 alive, it takes 6 to lynch.

A day has been added to do the deadline due to the pause.

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The crowd had turned in a frenzy, seemingly suddenly, but it's not like George had realized what was happening. He was

so fucking high

that all he could think about was shoving more white chocolate covered pretzels and peanut butter cookies into his mouth. My god, they were delectable. Dubya fumbled around with the stack of solo cups in the kitchen and filled one with party punch, immediately chugging it down to turn the cookie/preztel cluster in his mouth to a soft, digestible mush. With the red solo cup and the being stoned and the cookies, his mind began to wander...

The woodboard hallway creaked as George stumbled down it. A soft, low haze hung in the air, creating streams of light from the dimmed hallway bulbs swinging freely. "Paint It Black" by the Rolling Stones thumped through the house, though George wasn't sure where from. He pressed the joint in his hands to his lips and pulled as that silky sweet mary jane filled his lungs. And... exhale. The cloud of smoke escaped his lungs, running free to join the herd of other smoke clouds permeating every room in the house. This was the life, man. Affirmative action had helped George get into the school, and having rich and famous family members was going to help him skate by while absorbing as many illegal substances as possible. It was the '60s, after all. Love, and peace, and...

"Heeeey, George," a voice shouted from a nearby bedroom. George took a few moments to register that his name was George and stopped. (Why, actually is his name George? Why couldn't it have been Bartholomew or Peter? Or, really, why does anyone have names, for that matter? Aren't names just pointless identifiers that don't mean anything? Couldn't we all just be called Homo sapien #185748993 and be done with it? Names are just the Man's way of making us feel special and individualized while the Man secretly strips us of our identity and ships us off to illegal wars to make the rich richer!) "George!"

George snapped to attention and turned, where he saw Joe Lieberman laying back in a bed, shirtless, surrounded by a bunch of fucked up looking men and women. George poked his head in the door, curious. "Come on in, George," Lieberman cooed. George walked into the room, shutting the door behind him.

"Heh heh heh," George giggled under his breath as he surveyed the room full of half-naked coeds.

"It's all yours, George. You just have to get your ticket to pleasuretown," Joe said, and as if on cue, several of the women on the bed moved out of the way, revealing a fully erect Joe Liebermann. His rock hard cock was covered in a powdery substance of skeptical origin.

George was hesitant. "Uh... Joe?"

But Joe insisted. "Don't worry about it, little Georgy. Just one hit from the Lieberhosen and you'll be flying high with me and the rest of our beautiful companions. Trust me, George. Trust me." And so, Dubya bent over, inching closer and closer to Joseph Lieberman's glistening cock. It called to him, it spoke to him. "George, George!" it sang in a sing-song voice. The powder seemed to be throbbing along with the veins in his penis. "George, George, George!" went the chant, taunting him, luring him in. He was centimeters away. Completely still, calm. Eye-to-eye with the one-eyed snake. "George, George!" And he moved a bit closer, close enough to feel the warmth radiating off of his balls. "George, George!" And then...

"George! GEORGE!" Rick Santorum yelled across the room. George snapped out of his wonderful daydream to notice the entire Christmas party was staring at him.

Shit, they know I'm high...

was the only thought on his mind. "Heh heh, what's, uh, what's wrong?"

And in moments, they descended upon him like a pack of vultures. And as he lay there, realizing these were his final moments on Earth, George W. Bush only thought of Joseph Lieberman.

T S O [George W. Bush] --

Righteous Christian Warrior

-- ripped apart while stoned D1

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis
Aronis
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6
Box 7
Box 8
Box 9
Box 10

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[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis
Aronis (Box 2)
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 3
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6
Box 7
Box 8
Box 9
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 6)
Aronis (Box 2)
Bert
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 3
Box 4
Box 5
Box 7
Box 8
Box 9
Box 10

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 6)
Aronis (Box 2)
Bert (Box 9)
Shinobi
Wisdom
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 3
Box 4
Box 5
Box 7
Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 6)
Aronis (Box 2)
Bert (Box 9)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 4)
Konowa
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 1
Box 5
Box 7
Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 6)
Aronis (Box 2)
Bert (Box 1)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 4)
Konowa (Box 9)
Flames682
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 5
Box 7
Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 6)
Aronis (Box 2)
Bert (Box 1)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 4)
Konowa (Box 9)
Flames682 (Box 7)
crazypianist1116
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 5
Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 6)
Aronis (Box 2)
Bert (Box 1)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom
Konowa (Box 9)
Flames682 (Box 7)
crazypianist1116 (Box 4)
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 5
Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 6)
Aronis
Bert (Box 1)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 2)
Konowa (Box 9)
Flames682 (Box 7)
crazypianist1116 (Box 4)
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 5
Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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a

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t

#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 6)
Aronis (Box 5)
Bert (Box 1)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 2)
Konowa (Box 9)
Flames682 (Box 7)
crazypianist1116 (Box 4)
FuDuzn
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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a

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t

#

2

Selection order:

Marquis
Aronis (Box 5)
Bert (Box 1)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 2)
Konowa (Box 9)
Flames682 (Box 7)
crazypianist1116 (Box 4)
FuDuzn (Box 6)
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 8
Box 10

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 2)
Aronis (Box 5)
Bert (Box 1)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 10)
Konowa (Box 9)
Flames682 (Box 7)
crazypianist1116 (Box 4)
FuDuzn (Box 6)
Mathdino

Boxes Remaining:

Box 8

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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a

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t

#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 2)
Aronis (Box 5)
Bert
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 10)
Konowa (Box 9)
Flames682 (Box 7)
crazypianist1116 (Box 4)
FuDuzn (Box 6)
Mathdino (Box 1)

Boxes Remaining:

Box 8

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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a

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#

2

Selection order:

Marquis (Box 2)
Aronis (Box 5)
Bert (Box 8)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 10)
Konowa (Box 9)
Flames682 (Box 7)
crazypianist1116 (Box 4)
FuDuzn (Box 6)
Mathdino (Box 1)

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

*NOTE: Anyone who received a relevant ability as part of their gift will get a PM.

RICK SANTORUM:

"I know it's been a troubling start to the party here... but hey, let's try to get back on track! Everyone open your next round of presents!"

Everyone begins to tear into their gifts on cue, shredding paper and ribbons and ripping open boxes to reveal their rewards...

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Konowa lets out an odd noise and everyone looks over at him...

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Timothy Dolan froze as his hand caressed the unknown object in the giftbox, and immediately he became erect. His whole body shivered, and the whole room was staring at him. "Father? Are you okay?" asked Rick. He could barely contain himself. A Cardinal, purchasing one of these for himself? That would be excommunication material, right there. But if it was given as a gift... well... luckily, the Holy Scriptures were a bit vague on the morality of White Elephant gift exchanges. "Err... yes, Rick, I am fine. I just received... uhhh... an urgent message from the Lord... I must go pray and receive him! Privately, of course... can you direct me to the, err, restroom?" Timothy Dolan stammered as his hand massaged the massive head in the box, and he couldn't stand it anymore.

"Well, you can use our bedroom, Father, no need to lock yourself in the restroom," Rick explained.

"No, IT MUST be the bathroom! I need to feel dirty!" And with that, Timothy Dolan rushed past Rick, down the hallway, and into the bathroom. He slammed the door and locked it, turning his attention to the box. He tenderly lifted the object out of the box, and now the giant black dildo shimmered in the dim lighting of the bathroom, showing its glory for all to see. He kissed it, pressing his lips against the rubber. It tasted funny, but he didn't care, this felt so right. Cardinal Dolan knelt before the bathroom mirror and crossed himself. He knew what he was doing was so wrong, but it felt so right. He lifted the dildo before his face and bowed his head, saying a quick prayer. Suddenly, the dildo levitated in mid-air and slapped him in the face.

"Cardinal... Dolan..."

The dildo moved on its own, forcing its way into him and tickling the back of his throat. At first, he resisted, but then he started to love it. His eyes welled as he gobbled that black cock, as pools of saliva and lust formed at the corner of his lips. Faster, faster, faster, he couldn't stop... he was moaning, gagging, choking, loving it... and suddenly, the voice spoke to him again.

"CARDINAL DOLAN!"

The facefucking stopped and Dolan peered over the top of the dildo to see a floating light in the bathroom mirror. All at once, he felt shame and humility. He knew who the light was. Frantically, he tried to remove the cock from his mouth, but it was only sliding its way in deeper and deeper.

"Cardinal Dolan", Jesus said "you are guilty of the most heinous of crimes and so you will die the way you forced others to live. On your knees, facefucking a holy cock."

Cardinal Dolan's eyes rolled back in his head and he bobbed back and forth until he felt the Holy Spirit came in his chubby cheeks.

The other guests found him dead on the bathroom floor with the poisoned dildo tonsil deep in his mouth.

Konowa [Timothy Dolan] -

Righteous Christian Warrior

- choked to death on a black dildo WE2

---

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Tom pushed his way up and stared in disbelief at the forest of outstretched fingers. He wasn't going to stand here and take this. He was Tom "Fucking" Monaghan and to be accused like this, after spending his whole LIFE squashing labor rights and liberal social values, was too much for the old man to take. He hobbled over to the door and whirled around, almost falling over.

"And another thing! You ungrateful fucks don't even know how much I've done in this fight. I was taking away a woman's right to choose since before your mothers even had to have you against their wills. The unwanted babies I caused before you were in diapers yourselves would blow your tiny little minds. Fuck alla ya'll. Papa D out."

And with that he ambled through the door and slammed it shut like a man twenty years his junior. At the trunk of his car, he pulled out the secret weapon hidden under the spare tire. He had hoped he would never have to use this. He shrugged the vest on and began his last walk.

He was at his first pizza job again. A little hole in the wall that made and delivered pies. His boss was screaming at him again while he sliced tomatoes. He fucked up. He was the worst employee ever. He'd never amount to anything, and this pizza was shit. Complete shit. Just like him.

Tom vowed that day that he would be in charge. He would be the owner and he would be the one stiffing his employees for as far below minimum wage as possible. His face burned with anger and embarrassment.

One day. One day....

Tom flung open the door and yelled a Hail Mary as he pulled the cord on his Suicide Pizza Vest (TM). The black powder capsules caved in his chest and sprayed pizza and his viscera around the room. But everyone around was otherwise unhurt.

FuDuzn [Thomas Stephen "Tom" Monaghan] --

Righteous Christian Warrior

-- was driven to pizzacide D2

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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#

3

Selection order:

Shinobi
Flames682
crazypianist1116
Aronis
Mathdino
Wisdom
Bert
Marquis

Boxes remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6
Box 7
Box 8

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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#

3

Selection order:

Shinobi (Box 2)
Flames682 (Box 3)
crazypianist1116
Aronis
Mathdino
Wisdom
Bert
Marquis

Boxes remaining:

Box 1
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6
Box 7
Box 8

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

W

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E

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p

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a

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#

3

Selection order:

Shinobi (Box 2)
Flames682 (Box 3)
crazypianist1116 (Box 7)
Aronis
Wisdom
Bert
Marquis
Mathdino

Boxes remaining:

Box 1
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6
Box 8

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[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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#

3

Selection order:

Shinobi (Box 2)
Flames682 (Box 3)
crazypianist1116 (Box 7)
Aronis (Box 6)
Wisdom (Box 8)
Bert (Box 1)
Marquis
Mathdino

Boxes remaining:

Box 4
Box 5

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[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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#

3

Selection order:

Shinobi (Box 2)
Flames682 (Box 3)
crazypianist1116 (Box 7)
Aronis (Box 6)
Wisdom (Box 8)
Bert (Box 1)
Marquis (Box 4)
Mathdino

Boxes remaining:

Box 5

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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#

3

Selection order:

Shinobi (Box 2)
Flames682 (Box 3)
crazypianist1116 (Box 7)
Aronis (Box 6)
Wisdom (Box 8)
Bert (Box 1)
Marquis (Box 4)
Mathdino (Box 5)

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

*NOTE: Anyone who received a relevant ability as part of their gift will get a PM.

RICK SANTORUM:

"Err... I guess... I guess you can open them, now..."

Rick is visibly sweating as the giftthirsty crowd goes into a frenzy, tearing into this third round of presents.

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Mathdino makes an odd noise as everyone turns to look at him...

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

A moment ago they had been laughing. Joking about the liberals and the fruitcake no one had remembered bringing but appeared out of nowhere like a suppressed memory. Like with his other suppressed memories Bill had choked it down and tried to think about Jesus, but his mouth was agape as he lifted the giant black dildo out of the box. His chubby fingers encircled its girthy mass and he held it as far away from his face as possible.

Bill sat on the couch and pointed the remote at the TV, looking for something to be offended at. The Simpsons? No he'd sent that in four times already but still the proud blasphemers were on the air. MTV? No, too hard to pull an entire network. His screen filled the dark living room with red seductive light as BET took over his screen. Bill stared in awe at the washboard abs of the men onscreen. The sound was awful, yes, but just the sight of those washboard abs sent a tingle to his private areas that he hadn't felt since the locker room in grade school. He knelt closer to the television, reverently, as he slowly and unthinkingly pulled the string on his satin pajama pants and started stroking his cock.

A glob of uneaten fruitcake fell out of his open mouth and he realized that he had been slowly stroking the dildo in one hand while fondling the balls with the other.

"Who brought all these negro dicks to the party!?"

Donahue fumed and stood up.

"I brought the present this disgusting thing came in, and I want to know where it is. That is theft. Someone here is a thief!"

Donahue stalked around the room like a tiger. A pudgy, white, out-of-breath tiger. He pounced at Rick Santorum.

"Is it you, Rick? Is this your pathetic way of getting back at us for you not winning the Republican nomination? We tried, Rick, why are you doing this? I don't want this dildo at all! I have no use for it and I'm getting mad at you stealing from me!"

Rick said he didn't steal the dildo, and he didn't even know where you could even get one of those things, it's not like they have dildo stores and besides he is Catholic and would never buy something like that.

"Alright, play coy with me, Rick, but that's the last straw. I know it was you and I'm fucking leaving this fucking party."

Bill considered the fruitcake for a moment and snatched another piece, wolfing it down and licking his fingers.

"And I'm taking the rest of the fruitcake with-"

Then Bill realized what he'd done. He was dead in moments.

Mathdino [Bill Donahue] --

Righteous Christian Warrior

- choked on some black cockfruitcake WE3

---

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[Sir Elton Hercules John]

boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants

The THUMPING bass gets louder... louder... louder! Everyone drops their presents as the whole house is shaken by the mighty bass, and nobody can remember what they had, so you all sort of just pick the gifts back up randomly...

The unused gifts have been shuffled! If you receive a gift with an ability, you will get a PM!

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The crowd was relentless. They all had their eyes turned to Karen, but she was prepared. She was cool as a cucumber. Speaking of cucumbers...

Karen Santorum:

"Oooh! My batch of cucumber mojitos are almost ready! Let me just get to that..."

She excused herself from the room to the kitchen like a good housewife to make the party some drinks, but she could feel their collective stares burrowing into the back of her neck. She pretended not to notice as she picked up her cocktail shaker and began shaking away, vigoriously, up and down, up and down, up and down. Her mind drifted to another time.

It was 1984. George Orwell had gotten it all wrong. There were no totalitarian governments bearing down on the private lives of the people. Instead, there was cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine. And she found herself in her favorite place: in a hammock in her boyfriend's Californian back yard.

Karen's hands kept up the motion: up and down, up and down, up and down. Being the free-spirited hippie she was, Karen knew how to jerk a guy off, and it required TWO hands, not a measly one like these Protestant bitches who handled a cock like they handled a baby. You had to get mean about it and put some elbow grease into it. She was sweating from her brow, but the droplets of sweat just dripped down to form lube for the job. Faster, faster, and faster... until finally, he came. Dr. Thomas E Allen exploded in her hands, and all over her arms, and let out a sigh.

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great

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Karen smiled and wiped his excrement all over the grass. Ashes to ashes, she thought.

"I know you love it. After all, you deserve that release after a long day murdering innocent unborn children!"

Indeed, Dr. Allen was an abortion doctor by trade. Karen had marched in many a demonstrations, pale white breasts flapping in the wind, to support fetal murder. She turned from her boyfriend and grabbed a plate of powdery white stuff off of the table beside them.

"Let's get blitzed!" She exclaimed, rolling up a $100 bill.

Dr. Allen put a hand on her shoulder. "Karen, wait... we need to talk. The blow can wait," he said, sitting up from his reclined position on the hammock and leaning in close.

Dr. Allen put her in the car and drove her to a top secret location to meet with George Clooney and Howard Schultz. That was when they laid out their plan. In the coming years, there would be a war. Not the Cold War, not another World War, but a war of the hearts and minds of America. It would be a War on Christmas. And Karen had a very important role to play. She was to break up with Dr. Allen, in a public manner, and latch onto this young Republican destined for great things. His name was Rick Santorum, and he was her ticket into the heart of the GOP.

RICK SANTORUM:

"...Karen? Sweetie?"

Rick's voice brought her back. Karen's arms hurt, and she realized she had been shaking the cocktail mixer for God knows how long. Rick approached her, slowly.

RICK SANTORUM:

"...what's wrong, dear?"

She turned and saw the whole party facing her, snarling. Sweat was pouring from her brow again, but this time there was no abortionist cock to catch the droplets. She started shaking. Her cover was blown.

KAREN SANTORUM:

"LONG! LIVE! BILL MAHER!"

Karen pulled a knife out and charged at her husband, but he quickly caught her and turned the knife on her, catching her in the stomach. Karen stumbled back and slumped against the kitchen cabinets, holding her gut. She looked up at Rick and gave him the finger, and expired shortly after. Rick stopped, staring, shocked. Nothing was said for a few moments.

Then he picked up the cocktail mixer and turned to the party.

RICK SANTORUM:

"No point in letting some good ol' cucumber mojitos go to waste!"

---

Marquis [Karen Santorum] --

Brainwashed Liberal

-- stabbed in the stomach by Rick Santorum D3

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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#

4

Selection order:

Flames682
crazypianist1116
Wisdom
Shinobi
Aronis
Bert

Boxes remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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#

4

Selection order:

Flames682 (Box 6)
crazypianist1116 (Box 3)
Wisdom (Box 4)
Shinobi (Box 1)
Aronis (Box 2)
Bert (Box 5)

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

*NOTE: Anyone who received a relevant ability as part of their gift will get a PM.

RICK SANTORUM:

"Woo, those mojitos really helped us just play White Elephant and ignore my wife's rotting corpse on the floor!"

Everyone begins to tear into their gifts on cue, shredding paper and ribbons and ripping open boxes to reveal their rewards...

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"Would you excuse me please, I have to visit the little housewife's room!" Ann blurted as she was powerwalking towards the bathroom. The small of her back was itching from the sweat that felt like it was running in rivulets. She slammed the door shut and tore her sensible cardigan off. The hunger, oh god the hunger. She was kicking off her shoes as she tore through the bathroom for any objects of the appropriate size and shape. She was down to her red lace bra and pantyhose by now, and she was shivering both from the beaded sweat on her back and neck and from her insatiable lust for black cock in her asshole.

She was addicted to it, and the unexpected detour from the orgy to this lame ass Christmas party was upsetting her plans greatly. It was in all her contracts, people couldn't keep her for more than six hours at a time. In the past it wasn't so bad, but the years of cramming as many black penises as humanly possible in her cornhole had taken its toll on her. Ann had never viewed black folks as equal, but her years as a right-wing bomb-thrower had warped what had once been a passing inclination into a fetish so strong and literal that it defined her entire life. She wanted to fuck black dudes, but since they were only the help they had to come in the back door. This had gone on for years, and her asshole was practically its own separate entity at this point, and the only thing on its mind was dicks that didn't deserve equality. Her leather and for all practical purposes vestigial twat was so wet that an entire brood of negro children could drown in there. You know, cause they can't swim. That racist thought sent a little jolt through her body and she twitched involuntarily with a little orgasm. The hunger was so great that her asshole was desperate.

"Feed me! So what if you can't find black men right now, black objects will do so long as you berate them for perpetuating thug culture. Shove that hairspray up there. Tell it that you know what's best for it."

Ann had completely disrobed at this point and was shoving the bottle of expensive hairspray deep into her hate-cave.

"The problem is your culture - oh yehhhh - you glorify violence. You're just a - ughhhhhhhh - thug."

Ann's hungry, hungry asshole had devoured the hairspray, not even pausing for lube, and she had to brace herself on the counter as she shuddered with what passed for an orgasm for a woman of her hateful numbness. If she had normal anatomy, she would have just done considerable damage to her undercarriage, but Ann Coulter was unfazed. Her asshole had overtaken her entire body and not only could she take more, she needed more just to achieve a state of equilibrium.

The feeding had begun, and there was no stopping until Ann Coulter's asshole had sated its appetite for black cock. Ann had never been in a situation before when she had none around, and somewhere, a little voice outside the deafening hunger was begging her to try to rein in her asshole before it was too late. Last time, back in '95, Ann had more control. She was the dominant entity. But now.... she didn't really know what would happen.

"I NEED MORE INSIDE ME" her asshole was yelling, and Ann rushed to satisfy it. Makeup, toothbrushes, cleaning supplies. It all went up without effect. Ann Coulter's hungry asshole would accept no substitute for its prey. It was around the time that she picked up the plunger and was inserting it big end first that she lost consciousness.

They had all heard the commotion, but hadn't ran as one to the bathroom until they heard a deep, Satanic voice intoning things from the bathroom. Ann, rumors aside, didn't have a man's voice, and so either she had a gentleman suitor in there, or she was one of those damned liberal agents conducting a Satanic ritual to ruin this Christmas party. It was Rick who broke down the door, but they all saw her at once. She was bent over the bathroom counter shoving the big end of the toilet plunger in and out of her asshole. She was screaming orgasmically "OH MR HUSSEIN OBAMA TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW YOU DON'T TAKE A PART IN YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES".

Then, before their very eyes, her asshole began to fold outwards, engulfing her entire body. As it enclosed her, it contracted, almost instantaneously. Ann Coulter's asshole winked one last time, as it and its former owner winked neatly out of existence.

---

crazynpianist1116 [Ann Coulter] --

Righteous Christian Warrior

-- consumed by her own hungry asshole D4

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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5

Selection order:

Aronis
Wisdom
Shinobi
Flames682
Bert

Boxes remaining:

Box 1
Box 2
Box 3
Box 4
Box 5

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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5

Selection order:

Aronis (Box 2)
Wisdom (Box 1)
Shinobi (Box 3)
Flames682 (Box 5)
Bert (Box 4)

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

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"Okay... dare I say it, let's see what everyone got!"

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Rick Santorum paced around the room, nervously.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Mr. Farah... I believe... I believe I saw you off, conspiring with my wife, did I not?"

Karen's body still sat in a pool of blood and feces in the kitchen. The cucumber mojitos had been to die for, though, so at least Rick had that silver lining to fall back on.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Joe... I'm asking you a question."

Joseph Farah was sweating. He was innocent, sure, but he was still nervous. His mind began to drift...

It was the summer of 2003 and the Afghan sun was beating down on Farah's head. Luckily, he had his head wrap to keep him mildly cool. He was sweating like a pig underneath, though. He didn't know his balls could feel that much like a jello factory, but apparently they could. These long robes that Osama made them all wear were obnoxious, but what the boss says, the boss says. It had taken Joe a few days to stop stumbling on the edges of his robes. The first few times he fell, his fellow brethren would laugh and shout, "الأحمق الأبيض"! Which, he had no clue what it meant, and someone had told him it meant "great gentleman" but he somehow doubted that.

In any case, his name was called, and he entered the bin Laden tent. Osama nodded at him and muttered, "على ركبتيك", and Joseph obliged. He had been through this before. He dropped to his knees, the hot Afghan sand burning like a thousand tiny fires in his kneecaps. Osama flopped his big, wobbly, uncut, terrorist dick out from underneath his robe and Joseph immediately took him in his mouth. This was the life. Joseph Farah was around a bunch of dudes, and they all hated America as much as him, and they all loved guns and bazookas as much as him. Being able to fellate the greatest terrorist to have ever lived was just a side bonus. And then, Farah thought about how weird it was that Osama was being blamed for those attacks, and Farah KNEW it couldn't have been him because he was too busy penetrating Joseph anally on September 11, 2001, but the thought floated away as Osama bin Laden bricked in Joseph Farah's mouth.

Back in the present, Joseph was still stammering.

JOSEPH FARAH

: "I... uh... I... I don't... I love Christmas?"

Rick shook his head.

RICK SANTORUM

: "If you want us to believe you, Joey, you're going to have to do better than that."

Rick reached into a nearby drawer and started fumbling around for something. Joseph Farah cartoonishly pulled the collar of his sweater, as if it would help him breathe.

JOSEPH FARAH

: "I... I didn't! I'm not! I wouldn't! I mean, just because... just because one sympathizes with... I mean not the

gay liberals

... the guys overseas! I hate liberals! Honest!"

Rick now found his reward: a .45 caliber revolver with brushed metal finishes and a grip the colors of Freedom: red, white, and blue. He spun open the barrel and began to load bullets into it.

RICK SANTORUM

: "I don't believe you."

JOSEPH FARAH

: "Rick... Rick, please! I hate them! I would've killed your wife myself if I could've! You've got it all wrong! I'm not--"

Rick turned and squeezed the trigger. A bullet ripped through Joseph Farah's shitty mustache, taking half his face off with it. He didn't even have time to utter a final, "allahu ackbar" before he was dead.

Flames682 [Joseph Farah],

Righteous Christian Warrior

, was lynched D5

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Rick was trembling.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Is it... is it over?"

But it was too late. Rick turned just in time to see the orange, leathery sack of flesh belonging to John Boehner slump to the floor merely ten feet away.

Wisdom [John Boehner],

Righteous Christian Warrior

, endgamed

RICK SANTORUM

: "John! John! No, god, why, not John! Anyone but John!"

Rick sobbed over the corpse of his friend.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Boehner! Goddammit, I loved Boehner! I admired how long and how hard that damn Boehner worked for me. Hell, that Boehner got me places that I never would've gotten, otherwise. He was a real gem. A genuinely nice guy... and man, that Boehner would fit in ANYWHERE -- and I do mean ANYWHERE!"

Rick's mourning was cut short as a neckbearded fatass slumping to the floor beside him.

Shinobi [Grover Norquist],

Righteous Christian Warrior

, endgamed

Rick sat back, tears in his eyes as he glanced upwards to meet the faces of his betrayers.

RICK SANTORUM

: "Wh--what? I can't... WHY? HOW? YOU?"

Sean Hannity knelt down, taking Rick's chin in his hand and smirking.

SEAN HANNITY

: "Rick, Rick, Rick... poor, poor, Rick. You just got left behind the times."

Sean smiled as his partner leaned down beside him.

SAM BROWNBACK

: "The liberal infiltration of the Republican party has been ongoing for generations, Rick. And now, we're in the right positions, and the final epoch is ready to begin."

Rick's eyes welled with tears and he struggled for understanding. Hannity stood from his kneeling position and picked up Rick's freedom gun.

RICK SANTORUM

: "DON'T YOU TOUCH IT! DON'T YOU TAINT THAT GUN WITH YOUR FILTH!"

Sean Hannity just cackled and tossed the gun to Sam Brownback.

SAM BROWNBACK

: "You Republitards were right about one thing, Santorum... fuck, are guns cool, or what?"

Brownback, in one fell motion, pulled the hammer, squeezed the trigger, and sent a bullet tearing through Rick's calf muscle. Rick cried out in pain as Brownback connected with another one to the other calf, leaving Rick bleeding and immobile on the floor.

SAM BROWNBACK

: "Go ahead, Sean."

Hannity ran into the kitchen. He began frantically turning on the gas stove and oven and anything flammable. He tore into the bathroom, reaching into drawers to find lube and anything that Coulter hadn't shoved in her asshole. The bedroom of the Santorums was next, and there were literally gallons of lube. Hannity began spilling the lubricant everywhere, from the bed to the hallway down to the living room. A few minutes later, he was done, and nodded towards Brownback.

SEAN HANNITY[/ b]: "Take solace in this, Mister Santorum. You had the great honor of witnessing the beginning of the New World before you perished. You were the last holdout from the Old World. Take care, buddy."

Sean and Sam turned from the living room, walking out the front door. Sean poured a trail of lube from the living room, out the front door, into the front lawn and down the sidewalk a bit. Rick's screams could almost be heard from their position, but not for long. Sam struck a match and tosses it down at the end of the lube trail, immediately sending a quick path of flames down the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the front stoop, and into the Santorum house. The fire caught quickly, and they waited, waited, waited... and then...

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

.

The mafia team of

Bert [Sean Hannity]

,

Aronis [Sam Brownback]

, and

Marquis [Karen Santorum]

have won the game!

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Sean Hannity gazed into the fire and thought about reactions. Back when he was in his pinko commie college, he took a basic chemistry course. He thought about how the fire was converting the orderly house into smoke and chaos. All the carefully bought knick-knacks. All the photo albums. All the bibles. Powerless before the flames. The warmth on his face brought him back to his radical training in Cuba. He and Fidel just walking on the beach, talking about communist governments.

Sam Brownback clapped him on the shoulder, interrupting his reverie.

"Come on Sean, it's time to call the boss. Let's do it together."
"Just a minute Sam, I want to savor this moment."
"There's still work to do."

Sean sighed and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed and held the phone between him and Sam.

"Tell me something good, Sean."
"It's done."
"Good."

The phone clicked silent. Sam and Sean turned back to the fire. Sam pulled a bag of artisanal marshmallows out of his manpurse and began looking for a stick. The secular future was upon them, and it deserved celebration.

President Barack Obama reached for the bath-phone and cradled the receiver between his shoulder and his ear. Michelle stopped scrubbing his back with the organic loofa and tried to listen to the other end of the call.

"Uh huh... yeah.... it's done? Thank you for your- Uh huh.... well yeah I do love my wife. Oh.... I see. How did you- Fucking PATRIOT act. What do I have to do. Really? I had no idea he was real. Well I'm not sure I want to kill him. No choice? Sigh. I guess you've got me. Just send- Oh. They're here."

He put the phone back.

"I've got to go. And they saw the videos"
"Oh fuck. Where are you going?"
"Just.... watch CSPAN."

He got out of the bath and walked towards his destiny.

President Barack Obama walked towards the bound figure. He lifted the ceremonial claymore gently and looked towards the camera.

"My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Christmas forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

He looked down from the camera. This was the biggest day. Stonewall, Harvey Milk, Windsor, Rocky Horror. Each built on the success of the other. This was the groom and groom topper on the gay wedding cake that was this victory. He hefted the claymore precariously up and swung down with all his might.

The head of Santa Claus fell with a thud.

Gay people were fucking in the streets. The alert had gone out on the wireless PAs they had installed in their homes. If only someone else had seen the signs. Only a small subset, on the fringes of society, had seen the patterns. Known, fruitlessly warned, of the impending gaypocalypse. Western Civilization had a good run, but it was washing away in a wave of jism. The remaining Christians could spend the last of their days thinking about the irony of their religion living its last days as an outlawed cult.

The shadowy figure cackled as he watched the dignitaries vomit. The tears of all the grieving children throughout the Christian world nourished him. The plan had gone off without a hitch. Dispatch sleeper agents to various areas of the media and culture in order to liberalize Christianity so that they could fight a covert war on christmas from within. Only the most devout and strident had suspected a thing, and no one listened to them.

He picked up a phone and dialed.

"This is the J man."
"Jesus, it's Gabe."
"GabeN! I was just watching the news. I guess it's over?
"It is. I got you a hat for the occasion."
"Cool. Hey, did you hear about Nick Cage's hair?
"No?"
"It ascended to godhood."
"Oh... okay...?"
"You don't think that's cool?"
"Jesus, you know I've been really involved in this project. I was in charge of-"
"Yeah, yeah, culture wars and sleeper agents blah blah blah. That shit is so lame man."
"You just need to focus on hunting down your followers."
"I'm on it man, don't sweat it."
"I need to call the big guy."
"Oh man. Look, I know I complain about you a lot, but I absolutely CANNOT stand him."
"We owe the whole plan to him. You better be nice at the brunch tomorrow."
"I will, I will. I just... can't with that guy."
"We're the ruling triumverate. We don't have to be friends. We just have to work together."
"I'll do what I can, dude. For you."
"Thanks Jesus."

Gabe Newell hung up the phone and hoisted himself precariously out of his chair. He gently set his finest ceremonial announcement hat on his generous dome. He had an announcement to make.
This year, Christmas....

is cancelled.

Spoiler:

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Spoiler: Town Role PMs

Joseph Farah

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Joseph Farah

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


You're using this party as an excuse to write a twelve part exclusive story about conservative icons who are in the trenches for the war on Christmas. You met Rick back when he wrote a column for WND, and you've been writing glowingly about his work ever since. Despite the fact that he's an orthodox Catholic and you are an evangelical Christian, you've been able to compromise your principles in order to join him in fighting the liberal aggressors in this war on Christmas. Now, most people would argue that your publication is irresponsible and exists only to capitalize on the racist anger lurking barely below the surface of mainstream white America, and those people would be right, but none of that matters because it's Christmas bitch, and this year everyone is getting race baiting.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Spoiler: Mafia Role PMs

Sean Hannity

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Sean Hannity

, a

Brainwashed Liberal

.


You've been quite the mouthpiece for the good guys for quite some time. You lived up to your immaculate journalistic integrity standards when you blew the truth behind Obama's

real

birthplace wide open. And when you saw the overwhelming amount of liberally biased evidence that proved Obama wasn't a secret Muslim, you didn't let those bleeding heart communists stop you from making sure the world knew the truth. You let them hear it every single day. All of those liberal morons, those

scientists

(ew), who spout phony bullshit about climate change being a real threat to the human race? You can see right through their scientific expertise and into their cold, bleeding hearts. Of course, when The Man Who Should Have Been President, Rick Santorum, decided to throw a Christmas gala to gain monetary funding to fight the awful War on Christmas, you were among the first people he called.

...but, you've changed. You barely noticed it at first when your children, Patrick and Merri Kelly, wanted to watch that new Pixar movie. It was just about a cute little robot named WALL*E, how could it possibly be dangerous? But before you knew, it was too late. Pixar had masterfully disguised their newest brainwashing technology in the film, and by the end, the liberals had their claws in you. You were then picked up by a mobile task force and brought deep underground to their headquarters in Hell, where they revealed the truth to you... Christmas must be destroyed so that Christians can no longer stop the Obama Muslim Takeover of the United States of France and Jews. You understood. Your task was to destroy Santorum's Salvation Army from the inside out at this Christmas party, and they identified a few other sleeper agents you could trust.

Abilities

Hippie Commune Collective

: You may speak with

Aronis

(Sam Brownback) or

Marquis

(Karen Santorum) using this Private Topic during any phase.

Pecking Order

: Your team must collectively agree upon a list before the end of the Day Phase to determine the order of picking for the next White Elephant phase.

Your Dick in a Box

: Once per game, you may use your 1-shot ability to secretly swap out the contents of a giftbox during the White Elephant phase with a poisonous giant black dildo. This will kill whoever opens that box, and you will get whatever was inside instead.

Win Condition (Mafia):

You win when your team is equal in number to the town, or nothing can prevent the same.

George W. Bush

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

George W. Bush

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


You're the man of the hour. Started an illegal war? Check. Ran the economy into the ground with tax cuts? Check. Enforced policies that discriminated against gays, womens, and blacks? Check, check, check. The man, the myth, the legend... GWB. Of course you were invited to this party. Well, not invited, exactly, but you're kind of the ex-President so it's not like any of this buttcheeses can say no to you. And just in case the deal wasn't secure, you offered to bring Rick a custom painted portrait of his manly, nude body standing shimmering over the Capitol building, American flag inserted tightly into his anus. Some may call it a bold move, but you call it an expression of just how much Rick loves America. He loves it so much, he'd bend over and let Freedom fuck him in the ass. It's not gay if the balls don't touch. And plus, you had to get your way in when you heard about the party... these rich old white fuckers always keep that pure Colombian shit around.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Ann Coulter

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Ann Coulter

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


So you opened the door to the party and were incredibly surprised and disheartened to see not a scintillating forest of erect black penises, but the arid sweater vest desert that personifies the shame you can't wash off that constantly oozes out of your pores because of your crippling addiction to black cock. Oh black cock, why do you push away that which you love so dearly. Clearly you punched in the wrong address and there's an interracial orgy missing a spiteful leathery snow bunny, but now that they've seen you here you're just going to have to ride it out. It's so fucking boring trying to make small talk with people about the weather and politics and whether or not we should be at war and yadda yadda should Muslims be allowed to have free speech (no), but maybe you'll get some networking in to help you milk some more cash out of your part in fighting the War on Christmas. Hey, why not be highly paid AND on the right side?

I wonder what Barack's dick tastes like.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Mitch McConnell

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Mitch McConnell

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


You're the most powerful man in the Senate, sure. But you've so far been powerless to stop the endless aggression of the gays and secularists towards your beloved Christmas holiday. To be completely honest, this whole War on Christmas thing is only secondary to your burning desire to destroy the ozone layer in an elaborate plot to cause California to fall into the ocean via earthquake, but that's going to take decades. Those filthy fucking starfuckers over there will scream your name as they go down. But, in the meantime, you need another group to hate, and this War on Christmas thing seems perfect. Your Baptist faith being diametrically opposed to his orthodox Catholicism is no obstacle to your and Rick's determination to win the War on Christmas. He sent you an invitation (not for your wife, since he's Catholic and she's your second wife) and you're going to hobnob with other conservative icons (potentially to help line your pockets) and powwow with Rick to figure out battle plans. You were actually a little shocked to learn that this many rich white Christians were interested in helping keep Christmas the dominant winter holiday, but being on the right side just feels right sometimes. Fuck Kwanzaa.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Grover Norquist

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Grover Norquist

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


One day you were minding your own business, lazily masturbating to CCTV footage of white overseers verbally abusing mexican farmhands, when the voice of God spoke to you. You knew your mission: to literally drown the federal government in a bathtub. Once you came down from the acid you realized that the federal government wasn't a literal person who could be murdered, so you decided to make it your mission to use your extremely smart and nuanced methods of argumentation to convince Congresspeople to cut taxes as often as possible and decrease the size of the federal government. Rick isn't the biggest fan of your particular branch of libertarian right wing extremism, but you never turn down food that you didn't have to pay for so you're going to fill your pockets with cookies and fruitcake. Hopefully there'll be some people here you don't currently have blackmail on and you'll be able to get some more leverage for your tax jihad. Oh yeah, your wife is Muslim. Don't tell anyone. It's your private shame.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

John Boehner

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

John Boehner

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


Ahh, Boehner. You're a magnificent orange bastard. And to be completely honest, you can't stand these fuckers. When you got into politics, it wasn't really to work with assholes like this, but hey, a job's a job. And given the fact that you run the House of Representatives, it's a pretty sweet gig. Federal law prohibits smoking on Federal grounds? Eh, you can just write in a law that smoking is now allowed in, uh... let's see, where's your next meeting... for the next two hours. And then you can wash down that silky smooth smoke with a bottle of whateverthefuck whisky you've got under the desk, because fuck it, it's not like you're actually going to do anything productive with your time. This Congress may be a joke, but you're the one laughing all the way to the bank with your $225,000 a year to sit on your ass and blow smoke. So maybe you have to humor Rick and his crazy friends and deal with this War on Christmas shit, but you'll do it, and hell, maybe you'll even give a speech about the secret gay agenda to ruin Christmas, because that'll help grease your pockets from the special interest group and keep you in your wonderful, liquor and cigar-stocked office until the day you die.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Timothy Dolan

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Timothy Dolan

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


Your Eminence is all up in this business. Although, you were kind of under the impression that there'd be a few rentboys around, what with this being a gathering of mostly male, anti-gay, GOP leaders. But it's all fine... anything you can do to grease the wheels a bit is fine by you. These people are here to be warriors in the War on Christmas, after all. And your people need all the help they can get, what with that fucking HERETIC Pope Francis in charge right now. I mean, this guy really thinks he can just waltz in and start being all PROGRESSIVE!? You're the Catholic Church, for Christ's sake! You've spent DECADES shitting all over the disenfranchized minorities in the world and touching little boy wee wee, and now Pope Francis wants everyone to be all hand-holdy? "Oh, gays are okay now, love them..." I mean, SERIOUSLY!? A huge chunk of your meat market just went flying out the closet door, which means you have no more heavy suppression to jam into their faces. Ugh. You better hope this fundraiser goes well, or there will be Hell to pay.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Bill Donohue

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Bill Donohue

, a

Righteous Christian Warrior

.


This is your LIFE! You've been campaigning against the War on Christmas for years, now. You haven't held back. Shit, you even blasted George W. Bush, perhaps the most conservative President in modern history, for giving into the Liberals and their war. You know, the War completely designed by all the faggots and non-Catholic heretics out there. The sexual deviants have won the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere (probably with the help of those Jews and Baptists), but now you have a room full of people ready to listen to your crazy fucking ideas and throw money at the problem. Just the mental image of a Christmas tank that shoots exploding ornaments with Jesus' face on them is enough to get your manpussy all wet.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Win Condition (Town):

You win when all threats to the town are eliminated.

Spoiler: Mafia Role PMs

Sam Brownback

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Sam Brownback

, a

Brainwashed Liberal

.


As governor of Kansas, you did exactly what needed to be done. You held

true

to your principles, slashing and cutting taxes, just like good old Ronald Reagan would do. And you know what? It worked! The state fell $300 million short of its budget goals and the poverty rate skyrocketed. Perfect! Kansas is practically a rich person's paradise now, with a wealth gap so huge you could fit Michelle Obama's arms in it. Now, you're living the high life... you've got oodles of black people staying right where they should (in poverty) while your corporate buddies get to take you out boating and partying. I mean, sure, the schools have gone to shit because of how hard the budget cuts hit them, but fuck it! Who needs educated children? The Republican Party was

built

on fucking morons, and you're just doing your part to ensure that the next generation of little ones don't run off and get all educated and leave the party.

...but, one day, as you strolled through the dustbowl slums in disguise to throw rocks at the poor people, you happened upon something... magical. It was a Kwanza celebration, and there were people gathered around, and all these fancy lights everywhere, and they were SINGING! Oh, what a glorious noise, it was... breathtaking. And as you raised the rock over your head to throw at them, they all turned and stared at you. The chanting got louder, the lights got brighter, and then,

ZZZZZZZZZBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAP

! A ray of magic Kwanza light shot out from the sky and penetrated your skull. Suddenly, everything was beautiful! You ran towards your brethren, ripping off your disguise and revealing yourself as the person who put them in that ghetto! They promptly beat the shit out of you, but it's okay! You deserved it! When you woke up, you were at the secret Liberal headquarters in Hell, and a masked figure, speaking in a deep, booming voice, explained to you that this would be the year the Liberals finally executed the final phase of the War on Christmas. With a militarized force of poor people (who all agreed to help fight for a ham sandwich), the Liberals will free the nation from its Christian tyranny and publicly behead Santa Claus from the Oval Office. But it all starts here, with this party hosted by Rick Santorum. All the leaders of the war to save Christmas, gathered in one room... of course you have to take them down. Luckily, a couple other sleeper agents are there to help you out...

Abilities

Hippie Commune Collective

: You may speak with

Bert

(Sean Hannity) or

Marquis

(Karen Santorum) using this Private Topic during any phase.

Pecking Order

: Your team must collectively agree upon a list before the end of the Day Phase to determine the order of picking for the next White Elephant phase.

Your Dick in a Box

: Once per game, you may use your 1-shot ability to secretly swap out the contents of a giftbox during the White Elephant phase with a poisonous giant black dildo. This will kill whoever opens that box, and you will get whatever was inside instead.

Win Condition (Mafia):

You win when your team is equal in number to the town, or nothing can prevent the same.

Karen Santorum

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Karen Santorum

, a

Brainwashed Liberal

.


Throwing this Christmas party was a dream of yours! You get to host the

shit

out of this party. Nancy Reagan thought she could host a party? Fuck that bitch, she couldn't host her way out of a goddamned paper bag. These people are going to be attended to it'll BLOW THEIR MINDS. It helps that you make that bomb-ass eggnog, too (just a touch of brandy is the real secret). And you totally don't mind being a Catholic baby factory, because it's what you were born for. And you're GOOD at it. So good... I mean, as long as you ignore that whole period where you dated an abortion doctor, but nobody really talks about that (or the fact that you basically cheated on Dr. Allen with Rick and that's how you two got together). Doesn't matter. CHRISTMAS TIME, FUN FUN FUN!

...except, this is what you've been training for. Your boyfriend of six years, Dr. Thomas E. Allen, was the one who brought you into the fold. All the abortionists and queers and the owners of Starbucks and George Clooney had explained it to you quite simply: you must infiltrate the GOP, get to the party's heart, and destroy them from the inside out. Only once these people were out of the way could the Liberals finally win the War on Christmas. And you did as you were told -- you "cheated" on Dr. Allen with Rick. You married him and become a good Catholic housewife. And now it's time for the party of the century... it's time to burn this mother down.

Abilities

Hippie Commune Collective

: You may speak with

Bert

(Sean Hannity) or

Aronis

(Sam Brownback) using this Private Topic during any phase.

Pecking Order

: Your team must collectively agree upon a list before the end of the Day Phase to determine the order of picking for the next White Elephant phase.

Your Dick in a Box

: Once per game, you may use your 1-shot ability to secretly swap out the contents of a giftbox during the White Elephant phase with a poisonous giant black dildo. This will kill whoever opens that box, and you will get whatever was inside instead.

Win Condition (Mafia):

You win when your team is equal in number to the town, or nothing can prevent the same.

Sean Hannity

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Sean Hannity

, a

Brainwashed Liberal

.


You've been quite the mouthpiece for the good guys for quite some time. You lived up to your immaculate journalistic integrity standards when you blew the truth behind Obama's

real

birthplace wide open. And when you saw the overwhelming amount of liberally biased evidence that proved Obama wasn't a secret Muslim, you didn't let those bleeding heart communists stop you from making sure the world knew the truth. You let them hear it every single day. All of those liberal morons, those

scientists

(ew), who spout phony bullshit about climate change being a real threat to the human race? You can see right through their scientific expertise and into their cold, bleeding hearts. Of course, when The Man Who Should Have Been President, Rick Santorum, decided to throw a Christmas gala to gain monetary funding to fight the awful War on Christmas, you were among the first people he called.

...but, you've changed. You barely noticed it at first when your children, Patrick and Merri Kelly, wanted to watch that new Pixar movie. It was just about a cute little robot named WALL*E, how could it possibly be dangerous? But before you knew, it was too late. Pixar had masterfully disguised their newest brainwashing technology in the film, and by the end, the liberals had their claws in you. You were then picked up by a mobile task force and brought deep underground to their headquarters in Hell, where they revealed the truth to you... Christmas must be destroyed so that Christians can no longer stop the Obama Muslim Takeover of the United States of France and Jews. You understood. Your task was to destroy Santorum's Salvation Army from the inside out at this Christmas party, and they identified a few other sleeper agents you could trust.

Abilities

Hippie Commune Collective

: You may speak with

Aronis

(Sam Brownback) or

Marquis

(Karen Santorum) using this Private Topic during any phase.

Pecking Order

: Your team must collectively agree upon a list before the end of the Day Phase to determine the order of picking for the next White Elephant phase.

Your Dick in a Box

: Once per game, you may use your 1-shot ability to secretly swap out the contents of a giftbox during the White Elephant phase with a poisonous giant black dildo. This will kill whoever opens that box, and you will get whatever was inside instead.

Win Condition (Mafia):

You win when your team is equal in number to the town, or nothing can prevent the same.

Spoiler: Third Party Role PM

Ted Cruz

Hello, and welcome to Mini 1628: Rick Santorum Saves Christmas!

You are

Ted Cruz

, a

Jew

.


You are the man. The myth. The legend. Rafael Edward "Ted" Tiberius Jiménez Saskatchewan Fingolfin Sousaphone Wongfoo Cruz. You are the greatest living Senator and the finest legal and legislative mind of not only your generation, but possible any generation. It's impossible to say until the story's over (although you're pretty sure). When you're not being the subject of essential children's color bookings like Cruz to the Future or reading Dr Seuss books on the floor of Congress, you can be found in yours or someone else's office solving all of the pressing issues of the day. When Rick sent you an invitation to his Christmas party, you knew it was so that he could get your advice on how to once and for all solve the problem of illegal immigrants trying to steal Christmas, and luckily for him you already had a solution ready. You loaded up your six fanny packs with all of the gear you're going to need, along with plastic baggies to surreptitiously take some food home with you.

However, you have a dark secret. You were making a care package for one of your survivalist friends who has retreated into a bunker in the woods of Montana when the light glinted off the gold bullion in some new way and it... changed you. Your hair curled, your nose began to grow, you developed an insatiable lust for lox and bagels, your voice grew more nasal, your foreskin vanished. Seemingly out of nowhere, you no longer were Ted Cruz, brilliant and respected political luminary, you were.... THE INCREDIBLE JEW. Ever since then, you had to hide your condition from your Catholic friends and some of the more rabid evangelicals.

One day, an accidental flash of gold left a Republican Congressman without even the fillings in his teeth, and Ted Cruz on the run. The Congressman thinks a Jew was responsible. A Jew which the Congressman can't prove and Ted Cruz can't escape. So he resigned from office and faked his own death. So he must let the world go on thinking that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the sneaky Jew that dwells within him.

Don't make him greedy.

You won't like him when he's greedy.

Abilities

'Tis The Season

: You have your voice and your vote, and you will accumulate gifts/items during the White Elephant phase.

Greed

: Each day, you may target a player. You will greedily shove whatever they've received so far in the game into your pockets. This will steal all gifts/abilities from them.

Win Condition (Jew)

: You win when you've collected three gold bars. You will leave the game if you win.

[Sir Elton Hercules John]

Deadthread
Mafia PT