Montana
Use of Prompts: Worth 25 Points
Paris- There is a scene set in Paris, and I like the description of the trees of the Champs-Élysées. And Charles is French which is mildly amusing. Overall, I feel that Paris could have played a more central role in your story, and so I’m awarding you 2/5 points.
Edith- Edith to me actively detracted from your story to what extent she existed. You originally refer to her vaguely just using pronouns, which makes her seem mysterious and intriguing, but then there is ultimately no payoff and you just refer to her outright as Edith, but in a way where it’s mildly confusing who exactly Edith is because she hasn’t been properly introduced. And really she has no personality or meaningful characterization, and yeahhh, sorry, I’m giving Edith 1/5.
Aiden- Aiden is your main character. He’s the most fleshed out character. I could do with a bit more personality from him, but I’m fine giving you the 5/5 points.
Drippy Swifty- This is the main setting. We get to see a few different parts of it. It could be described more thoroughly, but again, it’s clearly a central part of the story, and I’m giving you 5/5 points.
Daedalus and Icarus- Originally there was a throwaway metaphor about Deadalus and Icarus, so I was glad to see them return…but then I regretted it. What is going on with Aiden’s wings? I did laugh when it happened, which I guess is a plus, but I was also so confused and had so many questions. You attempt to kind of explain it, but I don’t really feel that you do a satisfactory job. I do like the line about Charles flying too close to the sun, however. I’m going to give you 3/5 points here because say what you will, but Daedalus and Icarus is at least prominent in your story.
Total: 16/25
Logic: Worth 25 Points
For the most part, your story does make sense? There were a few points where I had to do a double-take and re-read certain sections because I was confused, like when Aiden’s wings came, but I at least see an attempt to explain most things. I’m not totally clear on what the locket is, and I thought it would just be a McGuffin, but then you did try to explain it a bit with the USB thing which I guess I appreciate? It’s still a bit ambiguous and confusing. I’m deducting 3 points for Aiden’s wings and the way they come out of nowhere and 2 points for the way the locket is handled.
My other annoyance that I’m going to include in this category is in the first paragraph, when you you say that you are going to explain the day Aiden met the man with the scarred face, but you then go on to describe Edith and Aiden in Paris. This just seems like an error and does not make logical sense, and it annoyed me enough that I’m going to deduct 2 points for it.
Total: 18/25
Enjoyability: Worth 50 points
Quality of Writing: Your writing is okay. You make various minor grammatical errors, but most I can overlook. Your paragraphs, however, are too long and it really does make it difficult to read. Your dialogue is also poorly formatted, and it’s often ambiguous who is speaking due to a lack of dialogue tags. Your prose style is mostly fine, but nothing spectacular. I can feel the hands of different writers at work; it does not feel like it was all written by a single person. I’m going to give the quality of writing 12/20 points.
Plot: There really isn’t much of a plot? Most of the action of the story is Aiden chasing Charles around, and I don’t think action sequences play particularly well over text. Large parts of it are just kind of dull? It’s a whacky story, so I should be highly invested, but I’m just not. I did laugh at a few points though, so that’s something. I’m going to give the plot 10/20 points.
Characters: I enjoy the character of Charles, though I would like it if he had more clearly-defined motivations. Aiden isn’t particularly well characterized to me despite being the main character, and Edith is not a character at all. I’m going to give the characters 5/10 points.
Total: 27/50
Final Score: 61/100
Idaho
Use of Prompts: Worth 25 Points
Paris- Paris is clearly present in the story, and we get to see/visit multiple locations. I like the way you infuse descriptions of Paris into to the story to offer a sense of place. I’m awarding you 5/5 points.
Edith- Edith exists? Though she mostly doesn’t go by Edith. She’s the shadowy villain lurking in the background. I feel that she at least is a large part of what happens in the story, especially towards the end, so I’m going to award you 3/5 points for that.
Aiden- I laughed out loud when Aiden showed up with the Drippy Swifty tickets and you included two prompts in one sentence, but come on, he is really an extremely minor character and clearly only exists so that you can fulfill the prompt. I’m awarding you 1/5 points for Aiden.
Drippy Swifty- I do enjoy that these became a bit of a plot point? The idea of having some kind of clue in them made them a bit more relevant, so I liked that. I’ll give you as solid 3/5 points, which is very good considering that you never visit the park.
Icarus and Daedalus- 5/5. You take this and run with it, and incorporate it into your story incredibly well. I really do think it adds to the story well.
Total: 17/25
Logic: Worth 25 Points
I think you know perfectly well this story does not make logical sense. I could go through and highlight all of the logical contradictions and confusing moments and setups that lead nowhere, but it’s unnecessary. However, I think you made a smart genre choice, because in a spy thriller, a lot of confusing things can be explained away by blaming them on some conspiracy working behind the scenes, so that helps your score. However, there still are some logical contradictions I can’t overlook, so I’m deducting 10 points from your score.
Total: 15/25
Enjoyability
Quality of Writing: Your grammar is generally not good, but my biggest annoyance by far is the tense inconsistency. You switch between past tense and present tense seemingly at random, sometimes in the same sentence! It was an annoyance for me the entire time while I was reading, and it significantly decreased my enjoyment of your story. Despite this, you did have some interesting, well-crafted sentences, and I enjoyed that your sentence structures were somewhat varied. But on account of your grammar and the tense shifts, I’m going to give your quality of writing 10/20 points.
Plot: I actually do enjoy some aspects of your plot. I like the twist of the briefcase being missing. I like the way you take the idea of Ariadne and run with it. I like the ending. Really, I think your story overall had a clear sense of what it wanted to be, and it was mostly successful, at least on a plot level. I am going to give your plot 18/20 points.
Characters: I don’t know that I love your characterization? Edith is a caricature. Aiden does not really exist in this story at all. And Icarus and Daedalus don’t really have super distinct personalities either, though I do enjoy some of their banter back and forth. I’m going to give your characters 4/10.
Total: 32/50
Final Score: 64/100
Which means that, by a narrow margin 64 to 61, I’m going to give my point to
Idaho
. I’m sorry Montana. There were elements of your story I enjoyed as well, but Idaho’s plot was more engaging, and that’s ultimately what put me over the edge.
