i feel you on that but i literally used to be part of the furry community in newfoundland had furries for friends all over and went to parties with them, slept with them, you know just... casual furry things and yet i would constantly say "not a furry tho" because i was too ashamed to interalize it with a GROUP OF PEOPLE FOR WHOM THAT IS THE WHOLE IDENTIFYING ASPECT.
like who the fuck are we anyway and why can't we just let GO of this senseless idea that we have to be liked or considered in control
do you know what i hear people tell me all the time?
they tell me how they view me as having everything all together, because i was able to accomplish so much in terms of my goals and i hold myself publicly so so so well
but in truth i'm just living a nightmare scraping for survival every day. i never stopped being that kid my parents beat fear into. i'm not in control i'm just better in crisis than anyone i've known ever. it's like all the levers get pulled and everythign turns off and suddenly this massive burst of competence comes out.
i've helped save my friends from psychiatric holds that would have ended their freedom and agency on multiple occasions by walking them through how to attack the system that is holding them, survive and play their way out. if you had asked me prior to that moment what to do, or even now i really don't know but then someone's in danger?
click. it's time to shed all the outer layers that let me pretend to be human or normal or something worth loving and be the Weapon i was raised to be for the benefit of others. gotta save them.
and even discussing THAT is shameful to me. i literally saved my friends' life more or less and i felt nothing. no joy no jubilation no pride just that i had completed my job and i should be ashamed for having acted that way.
i have a plushie dog that i cuddle her name is penny she's my trauma doggie, because when my PTSD makes me shake so badly that i think someone's coming to kill me i hug her and things feel more real again.
but i'm ashamed to admit i have or need that because normal people don't need those crtuches and don't have ptsd flashbacks and don't rely on childish tools like stuffies.
that's how my brain thinks. it denies me everything.
