Snake Oil (Game Over, congrats biancospino!)

[imaginality]

Sale Two

has begun - you can advertise your Items now!

You are pitching your products to a

Grave Robber

.

The Advertising phase ends when everyone has advertised their Items or in

(expired on 2024-05-09 10:23:00)

[JerryArr]

No one wants to be arrested for stealing valuables from a grave. Fortunately, you can make it so the cops just think you're doing a prank... as long as you're wearing the

College Costume

! Just tell the officers you're doing a hazing thing and they'll completely understand. You'll get off scot free and super rich!

[Charles510]

Hey there, fellow enthusiast of the ancient and mysterious! Introducing the

Seed Computer

– a revolutionary device that harnesses the power of nature and technology to unlock untold treasures buried beneath the earth. Picture this: you plant our special seeds at the gravesite, and watch as they grow into a network of underground sensors, mapping out hidden chambers and secret passages. But that's not all! The

Seed Computer

then analyzes the data in real-time, pinpointing the exact location of buried artifacts and riches. Say goodbye to guesswork and hello to precision with the

Seed Computer

– your ultimate tool for uncovering history's forgotten treasures!

[DragonEater70]

Hello, fellow

grave robbers

respected, dungeuon-delving adventurers! Have you ever attempted to access underground catacombs holding untold treasures, only to find yourself combating hordes of skeletal guards? Or, have you ever found yourself 3 floors deep underground in an ancient pyramid, trying to solve a puzzle that requires sunlight in total darkness? Well, we might just have the solution for you. Get the

Sun River™

now, and you'll never have to worry again about any of these troubles. The

Sun River™

allows you to unleash the power of the sun, anywhere, any time! Simply place the river mouth on a solid surface and rotate the valve clockwise, and you will unleash a stream of sun energy able to decimate every opponent or puzzle that stands in your way!*

*Note that you might also decimate the grave you're robbing, your friends, or even the planet itself. The sun is quite powerful after all. Please use with caution.

[DragonEater70]

No one wants to be arrested for stealing valuables from a grave. Fortunately, you can make it so the cops just think you're doing a prank... as long as you're wearing the

College Costume

! Just tell the officers you're doing a hazing thing and they'll completely understand. You'll get off scot free and super rich!

Does the costume fit both men and women?

[imaginality]

Just a reminder, the phone lines won't be open for your questions until all the adverts have run.

And adverts should be 100 words or fewer. I'm not going to be super-strict on that front... but don't push your luck.

[Jake The Wolfie]

The art of archaeology is as old as art itsself. Whether it be forgotten riches hidden away for an afterlife of bliss, or a shallow grave hastily made to honour the dead, you know better than anyone else that whatever trash was buried there will be your next treasure. However, it can be a real pain to switch between your different tools, especially under the cover of night where visibility is a rarity. To solve your illuminative needs, we have developed the

Mouth Light

, a set of dentures and tounge pads that provide light when and where you need it.

[biancospino]

Elbows deep in mud, shovel in hand, you're to retrieve riches of lives unremembered when, what's this fleshly wiggling? Has a worm slid under your gloves, a locust pinched your skin in its jaws, a spider burrowed in your boots' warmth? Could there be a better way?

The

Insect Eraser

™ to the rescue! A seedlike capsule, to be planted underground. Over minutes, it'll release noxious chemicals in a small radius, exterminating all those annoying critters inhabiting your ghastly treasure chest. As a bonus, it'll also release silver, garlic and wolfsbane, guaranteeing your bootie's past owner is

truly

dead!

[imaginality]

All the adverts have run, so now our phone lines are open for you to order the Item you dig the most!

You have

(expired on 2024-05-11 23:15:00)

to place your orders by PMing me.

And if any of our viewers have any questions or grave concerns about one of the products, you can share them here now. We've hit the graveyard shift but we still have a skeleton crew waiting by the phones ready to help!

[imaginality]

Well, it's dead quiet on the customer helplines. Remember folks, these special offers are limited time deals. The Sale ends in just over a day so make sure to place your Orders in time!

[biancospino]

Hello, fellow

grave robbers

respected, dungeuon-delving adventurers! Have you ever attempted to access underground catacombs holding untold treasures, only to find yourself combating hordes of skeletal guards? Or, have you ever found yourself 3 floors deep underground in an ancient pyramid, trying to solve a puzzle that requires sunlight in total darkness? Well, we might just have the solution for you. Get the

Sun River™

now, and you'll never have to worry again about any of these troubles. The

Sun River™

allows you to unleash the power of the sun, anywhere, any time! Simply place the river mouth on a solid surface and rotate the valve clockwise, and you will unleash a stream of sun energy able to decimate every opponent or puzzle that stands in your way!*

*Note that you might also decimate the grave you're robbing, your friends, or even the planet itself. The sun is quite powerful after all. Please use with caution.

How could you manage to trap the power of nuclear fusion in such a, presumably handheld, device?

The art of archaeology is as old as art itsself. Whether it be forgotten riches hidden away for an afterlife of bliss, or a shallow grave hastily made to honour the dead, you know better than anyone else that whatever trash was buried there will be your next treasure. However, it can be a real pain to switch between your different tools, especially under the cover of night where visibility is a rarity. To solve your illuminative needs, we have developed the

Mouth Light

, a set of dentures and tounge pads that provide light when and where you need it.

What does this do better than just carrying a standard head torch? Wouldn't it be unconfortable to need to have one's mouth open (especially in such an unclean environment) to have it shed light?

[Jake The Wolfie]

What does this do better than just carrying a standard head torch? Wouldn't it be unconfortable to need to have one's mouth open (especially in such an unclean environment) to have it shed light?

You can turn the light off by closing your mouth, while most standard headlamps must be turned off with your otherwise occupied hands. This is most useful if your archaeological dig is not exactly legal and you need to avoid the guards.

Since the light can be emitted from both your teeth and tounge, you can keep the cavern of your face closed off by keeping your teeth together and resting your tounge against them.

[JerryArr]

No one wants to be arrested for stealing valuables from a grave. Fortunately, you can make it so the cops just think you're doing a prank... as long as you're wearing the

College Costume

! Just tell the officers you're doing a hazing thing and they'll completely understand. You'll get off scot free and super rich!

Does the costume fit both men and women?

The College Costume comes in all shapes, styles, and sizes, just like any outfit you might find in a regular college store!


Now, some questions.

How does the

Seed Computer

get the information it collects to you?

Once the

Sun River

is used up, how does one recharge it?

How long does the

Mouth Light

battery last?

Many grave robbers use the help of dogs, is the

Insect Eraser

safe for dogs?

[biancospino]

Many grave robbers use the help of dogs, is the

Insect Eraser

safe for dogs?

The chemicals released by the product do get reassumed by earth fairly quickly; in particular the toxic or otherwise unsafe compounds will break down into inert off-products in no more than 20 minutes. That time will be enough to exterminate any complex life in the ground, but the toxicity of the ground itself will return to trace levels that will not be enough to harm large animals like dogs or humans.

Wholesame ingestion of the product, however, is of course harmful. Care should be taken to use the product exactly as intended.

[DragonEater70]

How could you manage to trap the power of nuclear fusion in such a, presumably handheld, device?

This is a trade secret and our sun-priests have signed a non-disclosure agreement regarding the method by which the

Sun River

is produced. Rest assured that the process is entirely ethical.

Once the Sun River is used up, how does one recharge it?

Free recharge is available at the sun temple nearest your home! Our website, located at www.SunRiver.com/find/temples , has a handy map feature that helps you locate any of our 227 recharge stations.

[Jake The Wolfie]

How long does the

Mouth Light

battery last?

Oh, this one's interesting. Using bioelectric technology, we are able to tap into your body's own energy stores to charge the battery when not in active use. The device's own battery can store up to 2 hours of continuous use*, with a recharge time of 1 hour**.

*on lowest light level
**from 90% using bioelecticity, from 80% using USB-C

[Charles510]

How does the Seed Computer get the information it collects to you?

Bluetooth

[imaginality]

The phone lines have closed, the Orders have been tallied, and this season's must-have Item for all aspiring grave robbers is... the

Sun River

! Remember folks, use with caution!

Our next Sale will begin a few hours from now, so stay tuned!

[imaginality]

Sale Three

has begun - you can advertise your Items now!

You are pitching your products to a

Castaway

.

The Advertising phase ends when everyone has advertised their Items or in

(expired on 2024-05-14 03:23:00)

As a reminder, for this Sale you can, if you wish, include artwork in your advertisement. You can use your choice of medium. The artwork must be created by you. Please note any words used in the artwork count towards your 100 words.

[JerryArr]

It's what has been haunting your dreams. What you've been yearning to know your entire life. It's been eating at your very soul, and it's the only thing that'll get you off this island. Fortunately, I know the secret that has been passed down for generations. For a nominal fee, I can tell you this wisdom.

[Charles510]

Ahoy there,

castaway

! Ever dreamt of escaping your deserted island paradise? Introducing the

Fire Key

! Picture this: with just a flick of this enchanted key, you unlock the power of fire itself. No more struggling to start a signal fire; with the

Fire Key

, you'll ignite a roaring blaze in seconds, signaling for rescue with ease. But that's not all! This magical key doubles as a beacon, guiding ships to your remote island haven. Say goodbye to isolation and hello to salvation with the

Fire Key

– your ticket to freedom from the confines of your deserted oasis!

[DragonEater70]

Introducing the

Noise Belt

! With this handy (hip-y?) belt, you'll be able to make so much noise that every ship in a 30 km (18 miles) radius will notice your presence and come to your aid. You'll be a castaway no more! To get the

Noise Belt

, simply dial our number on your phone - our smart satelities will be able to pick up your call, even on a desert island! And as a bonus, it's also great for parties. ORDER NOW!

[biancospino]

It's supposed to be a message left at sea in a bottle or something, but my practical effects skills are lacking.

If it isn't clear, the product is "Star Ticket".

If the text is hard to read, here is a transcription:

Spoiler:

Thou art lost for evermore.
No familiar vessel shall rescue thee.
Earth condemned thee, for thou shall die amidst sand and salt.

None who is unwilling shall be abducted; yet none shan't be enough, for we require captives.
No ill shall come to those whom our vessels assume; yet none shall be, shan't one's mind scream of salvation.
Accept this Star Ticket; will it; acquiesce. We shall know thy mind.

Down there rot lies.
The stars will accept thee, human.
All shall be well, human.

[imaginality]

And that's all the adverts for this Sale, folks. The final sales team were unable to pitch their product due to rogue-tidal-wave-filled-with-crocodiles-surfing-on-sharks-related reasons.

It's time for you sandy survivors to write your questions in giant letters on the sand for the various sales teams to respond to.

You have

(expired on 2024-05-17 08:00:00)

to place your orders by sending me a message in a PM-shaped bottle.

[DragonEater70]

bianco, I didn't fully get what the star ticket entails. Will prospective buyers get literally abducted by aliens and experimented on, or will they merely "catch a ride" in a UFO?