Snake Oil (Game Over, congrats biancospino!)

[biancospino]

How was the

Sleep Net

tested to make sure it's safe?

After a round of animal testing, we were cleared to conduct a double blind test on humans volunteers (N=140), mostly pediatric given the product's intended use.
No grave side effects occured, and only a very small number of minor ones

(3 instances of slight headache; 2 instances of irritability; 2 instances of eczema)

. Furthermore, the efficacy of the product was more than confirmed; after exposing the volunteers to 183 minutes of a monotone exposition of the most boring academic subjects we could think of, 37 members of the control group fell asleep at least once, and only 1 out of the treatment group.

The product is already being trialed in a number of classrooms across the nation; no notable incident pertaining to the product has yet to be reported.

---

@charles, I do have some doubts about the actual learning utility of extreme gamification. Won't your product shift the aim of pupils too far outward from actual learning and into play?

@Jerry, is your product... uh... legal? And will it not be dangerous to have a projectile weapon on the open in a room with a bunch of children that will surely try to carelessly mess with it?

@Jake, WHAT?

[Jake The Wolfie]

@Jake, WHAT?

To apply

Head Powder

, first take the product out of its' container, then rub the powder directly on your forehead for maximal effect. Repeat as needed.

[JerryArr]

I should probably post these in the thread and not accidentally PM people

@Jerry, is your product... uh... legal? And will it not be dangerous to have a projectile weapon on the open in a room with a bunch of children that will surely try to carelessly mess with it?

As you may know, our company and factories are based in America, so the

Desk Tank

is no less legal here than, say, teaching about certain subjects in certain parts of the country. Fortunately, Congress considers this to legally be a table, so it should be available in most stores. Also, it will not operate without both keys turned simultaneously, and the munitions are locked away, protected from prying kids' hands, so there's no danger of anyone other than the teacher using it. The

Desk Tank

's treads mean it's easily moved from the inside of a classroom to the outside, too.

[DragonEater70]

If it can't be used at home, then how am I, a private housecall teacher, supposed to use it?

Take the student outside to a park!

[DragonEater70]

Listen up. Fostering an environment where your kids want to learn, and are happy to do so, is very important. Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same way. The people who think schools should just be a homogenization facility don't like when kids have a positive outlook on life. You should do something about that. It's cool, it's educational, it's sleek, and it helps you teach kids about physics... especially projectile physics. It's the

Desk Tank

! Teach your kids history, while making teacher haters history!

I have to wonder - is it actually dangerous or is that just the slogan? How easy is it to operate? How big is it?

[JerryArr]

I have to wonder - is it actually dangerous or is that just the slogan? How easy is it to operate? How big is it?

Oh, it's very dangerous once it's started up! Especially to anti-teacher people. It's a fairly complex machine, but the included instruction and safety manual goes over everything. It's about as big as a normal teacher's desk, but with a convertible top for Tank Mode.

[Charles510]

Sorry I have been so busy. I'm going to bail on this game.

/out

[imaginality]

The Sale is over, and it's clear teachers want to make some major changes in their classrooms next semester. The best-selling Items in Sale Four were

Hormone Murder

and the

Desk Tank

!

Sale Five will begin shortly - stay tuned!

[Jake The Wolfie]

No one wishes to buy my wares, for they see right through the deceit needed to sell them.

[imaginality]

We're beginning our penultimate Sale now, so make sure your pitches are polished (like a shuriken), sharp (also like a shuriken) and well-targeted because this time, your target Customer is a

Ninja

.

You have

(expired on 2024-05-24 15:20:00)

to create your Items and advertise them here!

[JerryArr]

Spring rain on some leaves.
Is it ninja or a birch?
It's

Tree Mask

magic.

[biancospino]

Has it ever happened to you that your mark never appears to be alone? That you need to stalk them for ages and perform complicated techniques just to have a window for a good clean, stealthy killing?

The

Wheel Balloon

may be for you! A remote-controllable balloon-shaped drone, with a wholly unconspicous appearence at low altitudes and a stealth coating that prevents it being detected by radars, containing a miniature, daedly shuriken, releaseable at the push of a button to rain a wheel of death on your mark, without even being anywhere near the scene. The deluxe model also comes with an integrated CPU to calculate the wind effects for you, so that you will never miss!

[Jake The Wolfie]

The

Glitter Bottle

makes an excellent distraction. It comes pre-loaded with a non-lethal explosive mechanism to create a cloud of glimmering confusion. With it's biodegradable material, you won't need to worry about it leaving a mark past a week, perfect for removing the evidence.

You already know where to buy it today!

[imaginality]

Well, you admirable assortment of assiduous assassins, that's all the adverts we have for you this time. Our final company must have overdone the stealth settings on their product...

In any case, you now have

(expired on 2024-05-27 18:00:00)

to stealthily suss out supplementary specs and order your selected specialist Item!

[DragonEater70]

Wait nooo I thought I had a few hours left on submitting ads

(why I procrastinated this long is beyond me)

[biancospino]

Spring rain on some leaves.
Is it ninja or a birch?
It's

Tree Mask

magic.

Do I need to be close to a real birch to hide or is the mask actually magic?

The

Glitter Bottle

makes an excellent distraction. It comes pre-loaded with a non-lethal explosive mechanism to create a cloud of glimmering confusion. With it's biodegradable material, you won't need to worry about it leaving a mark past a week, perfect for removing the evidence.

You already know where to buy it today!

Myself I am more concerned about the very hours after the explosion rather than the week after honestly. Glitter being famously overeager to latch on to everything it touches, wouldn't using it risk making

me

all sparkly, thus making escaping stealthily significantly harder? What's wrong with good ol' smoke anyway.

[JerryArr]

Spring rain on some leaves.
Is it ninja or a birch?
It's

Tree Mask

magic.

Do I need to be close to a real birch to hide or is the mask actually magic?

Being close to a birch (or another tree, several styles are available) enhances the effect, which does contain a small amount of illusionary magic.

---

Does the

Wheel Balloon

support other methods of assassination?

How big is the

Glitter Bottle

?

[imaginality]

We're into the final day of this Sale, folks. You can keep asking questions but be sure to place your Orders in time!

[Jake The Wolfie]

The

Glitter Bottle

makes an excellent distraction. It comes pre-loaded with a non-lethal explosive mechanism to create a cloud of glimmering confusion. With it's biodegradable material, you won't need to worry about it leaving a mark past a week, perfect for removing the evidence.

You already know where to buy it today!

Myself I am more concerned about the very hours after the explosion rather than the week after honestly. Glitter being famously overeager to latch on to everything it touches, wouldn't using it risk making

me

all sparkly, thus making escaping stealthily significantly harder? What's wrong with good ol' smoke anyway.

Ah, smoke is overused and expected. Would you expect a glitter molotov? Not at all! And as for stealth, the glitter comes de-staticized; no need to worry about it sticking to your body.

How big is the

Glitter Bottle

?

It comes in many different sizes, each for different ranges of expansion.

---

Can the

Tree Mask

hide you in industrial settings?

The

Wheel Balloon

seems to do my job for me. Won't this take the fun out of it?

[JerryArr]

Can the

Tree Mask

hide you in industrial settings?

Of course! Our 'Urban Jungle'

Tree Mask

s are just as effective as our regular jungle ones.

[biancospino]

Does the

Wheel Balloon

support other methods of assassination?

While it may not be the best possible tool when not used in the inded manner, it is still possible to use the shuriken separately from the drone; the shuriken itself comes with some mid-air adjustment capabilities, which are necessary to deal with wind turbolenze during freefalls, but can repurposed to help with mundane throwings if desired. Alternatively, it is possible to swap the shuriken with a dispense of sleepy gas or smoke if you want a more hand-in approach.

The

Wheel Balloon

seems to do my job for me. Won't this take the fun out of it?

The tools is tought specifically as a last resort for those times when you would find your job to be otherwise unfeasible.

[imaginality]

We have our Orders, and they are to assassi- um, no, we meant the sales orders, and the best-selling Item was the

Tree Mask

! A tree-men-dous product, I'm sure you'll agree.

Our final Sale will begin shortly!

[imaginality]

Our Sixth and final Sale has begun! This time, you're all pitching your products to a

Pro Wrestler Executioner

.*

You can advertise your Items now, and have

(expired on 2024-05-29 19:00:00)

to do so.

*to clarify, this is a Pro Wrestler who executes people, not an Executioner who only executes pro wrestlers. That would be weird.

[biancospino]

You need the veil of Secrecy upon your face:
A mask, that your persona be hidden in the keyfabe.
A black hood, that your identity be oscured in the deathly sin.

Apply

Night Jello

under your veil. Let it be your ultimate veil: that your face be cast into the darkness of Night. That your visage vanish, engulfed in black obscurity.

The jello is nontoxic, and can be removed with acetone, denatured alcohol or vinegar. Yes, the formulation works partially via magick. No, we're not disclosing the alchemical formulas, they are patented.

[JerryArr]

You want to win that title, no matter how? And kill your opponent after? Introducing... the

Rock Cannon

. All you need to do is distract the referee, press the special button, and Dwayne Johnson will be shot out of the cannon right at them! He'll even give them the Rock Bottom and People's Elbow! That'll give you plenty of time to load the cannon with a regular cannonball, then, after the pin, light the fuse for a finish the crowd will never forget!