[The four communers stand at the town square. Intrepid reporter Tara Kockov and her handy cameraman Ben are documenting the events.]
"You guys don't have to do this today," shouts Tara over the roar of hellfire and wind. The screeches of the damned souls battling one another threatens to drown her out. "You can spare everyone today!"
"No," shouts Warped, trying not to be distracted by the Cock Dragon that's fighting Sarah Palin who rides in a giant mech suit. "This ends now!"
"We've decided," says
Lady Serene
, DrippingGoofball, "It was always Jaqen!"
"No!" Screams Jaqen, "It's Warped! Wait, it's Goofball! Wait, no, it's Gorkington!"
"Enough," says Gorkington. "It's now or never!"
[They hand DrippingGoofball a ceremonial sword. It faintly radiates with the dim power that remains of the Trouser Gods. Perverted runes are etched along the blade. With two other Communers asserting their assent, DGB casts the final vote by beheading Jaqen Hgahar. His body slumps to the ground, blood spilling upon it. For but a moment, the war within the Commune stops. The raging wind of hellfire cease and complete silence gives way.]
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH WHAT A RUUUUUUUUUUUSH!"
[The voice booms from the Heavens. The Three-Pronged Trouser God descends from the heavens, white and pink light radiating from its throbbing manhood. The attacking Republicans and Evangelicals burn to ash when the light touches them. Disembodied Dubya evaporates into nothingness, melting away into the clouds.]
Jaqen Hghar - Jim Austin - Repudickans Vigilante Neighbor
has been lynched
"Thank you, my children," says the Three-Pronged Trouser God, addressing the three survivors of the Commune. "Though there have been many sacrifices, you have returned me to power in this holy place. For serving me faithfully, I grant you gifts of pleasure.
DrippingGoofball, aka Denise the Dom. I grant you perfect memory. May you always and forever know your safewords.
Gorkington, or Viola Vale, last of the Great Vale line. I grant you fertility. You shall lead a new generation of WereDickWolf seers. May you defend mankind's dicks.
Warped, Agent Aardvark... You sacrificed your career in the name of protecting your way of life. I grant that your fursuit will never need cleaning, and its strategically placed holes shall always give you pleasure."
[Tara Kockov looks up to the skies]
"What about me?" she says.
"Tara Kockov," says the Trouser Gods, "You were following me all along in your heart. I grant you the gift of knowledge. Through your firm, but soft hands, you may gain insight into anyone's dick secrets."
[She bows in gratitude as the Trouser Gods address Cameraman Ben.]
"Benjamin Dover," says the Trouser Gods, "For your services to my Free Love Commune, I grant you the gift of power. And a task. Several congressional seats are now open thanks to the events of today. It is my will that you shall take one of them, and defend me against my political enemies."
"Oh. Great. Just what I always wanted," says Ben, not convincingly.
"And now, my children. Go forth and be fruitful! Multiply, that the Free Love Commune may once again return to its glory of orgies and decadence!"
[With that, the orgy begins. Somewhere, light years away, in a small metal spaceship, two dong-shaped extraterrestrials discuss the outcome of these events.]
"So," says one of them, "The only human that knew of our existence is now dead."
"Yes," says the other, "And now nothing can stop us from taking over the world."
"We must bide our time, for the Trouser Gods are too strong right now. But soon, very soon the time will be right."
[The two aliens laugh with one another. Back on Earth, the orgy is in full force. The Trouser Gods are radiating erotic energy to everyone. Our story comes to a happy conclusion, and all is well in the Free Love Commune. But for how long?]
DrippingGoofball - Denise the Dom - Commune One-Way Neighbor
Survived
Warped- Agent Aardvark - Commune Corrupt FBI Agent
Survived
Gorkington - Viola Vale - Commune Dick Seeing Seer
Survived
My name is kuribo, and I'm a certified G and a bonafied stud. And you can't. Teach. That. And this right here? This is T-Bone. And he's 7 feet tall. And you can't. Teach. That. And this is Tripod, and he's hot as hell. And you can't. Teach. That. Badaboom, Realest guys in the room! How you doin'?