The 2015 Scummies - CEREMONY!

[Scummies]

AniX:

Welcome back to Crosstalking! The show where we talk about everything left vs middle, white vs grey, Mina vs others. I'm here with my co-host Reck today to talk about the issues in a fair and neutral wa-

Reck:

I don't know why we're even bothering.

AniX:

.. Reck?

Reck:

You know damn well everything isn't okay. We both saw the same debate. We've seen the coverage. You know the talking points we're supposed to go over today. Fair and neutral. Hah.

AniX:

I don't know what you're talking about Reck. Everything about that debate seemed pretty balanced to me.

Reck:

Bullshit. Nachomamma8 is the only person on the stage talking about the real issues. The spam on this site is out of control and the only thing that the moderators give any talking time to is.. well.. moderation. And experience. And it's all just really laughable when you think about it. Mina gets twice as much talking time as everyone else.

AniX:

Reck, I think you should calm down. Think of our sponso-

Reck:

It's just so frustrating. That people are going to vote for Mina just because she has a green name. Just because all of the other moderators have her back. All of the money that they get from those mafiascum cards that they have yet to produce and what do we have to show for it as players on the site? Nothing. Not a damn thing.

AniX:

Reck, that's eno-

AniX grows visibly irritated.

Reck:

And another thing too, is Mina seriously going to justify her actions regarding daytalk in newbie games? That was just absu-

Suddenly, AniX begins to scream, shocking Reck into silence. He stands up with a crazy look in his eye, Reck eyes him with concern, confused at his normally tame co-host's reaction.

AniX:

That's it. Enough. Is. Enough. I'm done pretending. I'm sick of sitting here while you blither on and on while the real truth is much more sinister than anything you're saying. I've had it with putting up with you and all of the other partisan hacks. I know the truth. That you're all secretly funded by the sexual illumati, but I will stand by no longer! It's time that we, the people of mafiascum, UPick for ourselves what we really want. What we really need.

Reck:

...

AniX:

That's right. It's time that we all embraced our true inner nature. Nobody cares about dank memes anymore. Nobody cares about the spam in mafia games. What people really care about is putting an end to the filthy feelings buried deep inside us all. I'd like to announce that my candidacy for Leader of Mafiascum. Nothing will be able to stop us once the truth is out there!

Reck:

...

*AniX runs off the screen and an awkward silence falls*

[Scummies]

Doing whatever it took to escape Thesp now in his living room, Zoraster very politely excuses himself and locks himself in his bedroom. He could hear glasses clinking and slamming on the table and what almost sounded like coffee cans falling on the ground, but Zoraster refused to leave. He deserved his moment of peace and quiet; did Thesp somehow convince zoraster's wife to call him as a joke or was that Thesp on the other end? At one point, Zoraster was starting to get bothered by Thesp's antics to the point where he considered reporting him to Mith, although he had a feeling mith would probably fall on Thesp's side; Mith tended to encourage a survival of the fittest philosophy, no matter where it emerged.

Suddenly, Zoraster notices that the living room had become very, strangely quiet. He walks back out to his living room to find an emergency news story on TV talking about riots in the streets, presumably instigated by the "Daffy Devils". Zoraster draws the connection quicker than he should have, and then glanced around the living room to find Thesp missing once again, which was certainly not a positive sign. Either Thesp had something to do with causing these riots (which is not something he could discount at this point in time), or, even worse, Thesp had adventured in order to stop them.

---

ANIX:

You must break the sexual chains of oppression that have you bound and gagged to your chairs! Do not allow yourselves to be sexual slaves to society! You must fight those urges that you feel for they make you less human, they make you animals and society cannot advance any further while our minds have failed to transcend beyond basic urges and desires!

CooLDoG:

And all that I ask of anyone is to masturbate, wank, choke the chicken, audition the finger puppets, charm the snake, butter the muffin, visit the bat cave, finger paint...

ANIX:

It's a disgusting process that you are brainwashed into wanting by television, videogames, advertisements... It is of the utmost importance for those who sell sex to advertise it and overwhelm our young children with it because it is not something that we want naturally: this is a desire implanted by a self-interested group! Reject it! Fight the power! Cast out the ideals that you are supposed to believe and create beliefs of your own!

COOLDOG:

...ask for a second opinion with your second head, answer the Bone-A-Phone, be your own best friend, womansplain yourself, get lost in the deep end, arm wrestle with your one-eyed vessel... and if you don't enjoy it, if this is something that really doesn't appeal to you, then you don't need it anyways! Give it to someone who wants it and thus needs it more than you do!

MINA:

This is equal parts disgusting and insanity! The real issues here are improving Mafiascum.net, not all of these batshit ideas from the minds of the FBI's Most Wanted...

Nachomamma8's supporters boo.

NACHOMAMMA8:

I agree with Mina!

Mina's supporters boo.

---

Zoraster's first instinct is to panic. What else could he do in this situation? Mith always had a panic button for these things, but he and Thesp didn't. And Thesp... Thesp was always better at handling this sort of stuff than him. What if something happened to him? Zoraster pushes the thought of his mind as he looks around his house, praying silently that Thesp didn't manage to wander far.

The first tip-off to Thesp's location was a few splatters of red and blue paint on the white wall; the second was a red, white, and blue path painted on the road in front of his house, with THE AMERICAN BRICK ROAD painted on the entrance to the driveway. Zoraster walks back inside to grab his keys.

[Scummies]

VoidedMafia paused the Scummies video for what felt like the hundredth time. There was screaming and yelling outside, windows were being broken, people were being attacked. This didn't match up with the not-weed smell that VoidedMafia smelled earlier, but it seemed too dangerous to investigate. But, when he went to close his window, he saw a familiar face.

VOIDEDMAFIA:

Bulbazak, is that you? You look rough. Also, why are you wearing a Daffy Duck mask?

BULBAZAK:

I promise I'll catch you up on everything that happened, but first, the winner of the Kodak Moment award for most Memorable Moment is...

VoidedMafia!

He was hilarious! Everyone loved him! -Bulbazak

Bulbazak proudly hands the Most Memorable Trophy to VoidedMafia, who laughs as he finally accepts it.

VOIDEDMAFIA:

Do you have any idea of what's going on outside?

BULBAZAK:

It's absolutely insane! There's a riot going on, and a huge election, and people are brawling... wait, is that the scummies up on your computer? You still haven't finished it?

VoidedMafia looks at the ground.

BULBAZAK:

That's okay! Finish it now, I'll catch you up on everything that happened today after you've seen the end!

VoidedMafia nods gratefully, pours himself another glass of milk, and then presses play for the final time.

[Scummies]

Of the final presenters, Katsuki is first, wearing a black cape that's just a little to small for him and a suit that's just a little too large. He smiles at the crowd; everyone can feel his bloodlust, but no one can resist coming closer.

Katsuki:

They're dead. They're all dead. When I won Don Corelone, I won because I didn't need anyone to help me along to victory; my so called "scumpartners" were, in reality, nothing more than useless weight. The next winner of this award understands the necessity of being able to cut away dead weight even if they call themselves your partner. The winner of the Don Corelone award for Most Cunning Manipulator is...

RadiantCowbells!

...we doubted everyone and everything... I still have no idea what we could have done. - Anenien

RadiantCowbells accepts the award, waves to the crowd, and stabs Katsuki in the heart. He walks offstage, and the Scummies Staff come and take Katsuki's body away.

There is a pause as DeasVail checks on Katsuki to make sure that what he just witnessed was a stage stunt, and then there is another apology as DeasVail apologizes to Katsuki for ruining his stage stunt. When he comes out on stage, there is a huge cheer from the crowd.

DeasVail:

Hello!

Crowd Member:

Is my husband cheating on me?

DeasVail smiles.

DeasVail:

No, he is not. Anyways, being Paragon of Mafia Hunters requires a certain kind of-

Crowd Member:

Will my son ever stop hating me?

DeasVail smiles.

DeasVail:

Absolutely! He's just trying to forge his own way in the world right now; your emphasis in critical thinking while you raised him encouraged him to be independent, but, unfortunately, independence also means challenging everything that he knows. Anyways, being-

DeasVail pauses for a moment as a crowd member tries to ask a question before being tackled by a member of the Scummies Staff. He continues.

DeasVail:

Being Paragon of Mafia Hunters requires a certain insight into the players around you so advanced where it almost seems psychic. It requires seeing and rooting out scum who are playing the games of their lives, who have the rest of the town convinced that they are the towniest of town. This particular Paragon has a great history of doing exactly that; I'm afraid that when I was mafia against her, I didn't stand a chance! The winner of this year's Paragon of Mafia Hunters award for Best Scum Catcher is...

singersigner!

When Titus (the scum player in question) claimed something that protected her buddy, Singer did not bat an eye at the other members of the town like mastin and myself who were supporting Titus as town (and members of her own team) and shot Titus in the night completely unraveling that scumteam, instantly netting the town two scum deaths. - Oversoul

Singersigner walks up stage, happily accepting her award from DeasVail. They walk offstage together, ignoring a barrage of questions from the crowd that the Scummies Staff couldn't suppress.

Meanwhile, Antihero returns from his…break, and runs to the stage. The audience begins bowing to their Most Enjoyable Player, laughing at every little thing he does. He begins his speech.

Antihero

: The Game Of The Year Award is the big one.

Audience falls over, laughing so hard they create a literal Roflcopter out of their bodies. The sound is so loud Antihero has trouble continuing the speech.

Antihero:

Ahem, the Game of the Year Award is a very important award given to a game that best represents the spirit of that given year.

Antihero moves his hand, audience begins to do the wave and scream in exclamation.

Antihero

: The game this year completely transformed the game of mafia. It stood out amongst the crowd as something really special and unique. I’m unsure who won this award, no one gave me an envelope.

The Audience begins to reach forward to try and touch antihero. They want nothing more than to feel his magnificent skin. Vut something miraculous happens

The audience and Antihero begin fusing together, and obtaining new abilities

AudienceHero

: I now understand the psyche of the audience, I am one with them. They understand me, I understand them. We have fused together, and using the power of gems have UNLIMITED POWA!!!!!!!!

AudienceHero moves its 100 hands in circles, and a humongous sculpture of Stephen Universe is erected in the center of Mafiascum.net/forum

AudienceHero

: THE WINNER OF GAME OF THE YEAR IS….

STEPHEN UNIVERSE MAFIA by Varsoon

“This mechanic allowed the game to focus more on the core tenets of mafia (scumhunting, and fooling town), while building rapport between players without the commonly observed game-threatening paranoia of pre-made neighborhoods. The game ended on an intense 4 player MYLO which was indicative of its balance as well as the pressure of the endgame situation for both factions. The roles were wacky, this could have been considered a
Role Madness, great flavor, awesome modding, and commendable play on both sides. If you have issues with nominations of long games, then this game should be perfect for you.” Metal Sonic

“Incredibly fun. The game was exceptional, and an amazing intricate puzzle, with clever play on both sides throughout.” – Drixx

Varsoon walks towards the stage, but immediately fuses with AudienceHero. In time, all of the winners, the Scummies Staff, the admins, mith, tigers get sucked into the mighty vortex that is AudienceHero to become the Universe. The Universe gains enlightenment, then splits itself into many parts, for many parts equal many talents and that will prove to be the greatest asset Mafiascumkind has to offer.

[Scummies]

MAJIFFY:

So, uh, why did Mickey divorce Minnie? No answers? Because she was fucking Goofy!

INFLATABLEPIE:

You must audition the children for FBI's Most Wanted

MINA:

Okay, in the interest of saving time since Thesp said we couldn't leave here until we elect a president and I happen to be absolutely terrified of Thesp, here's an announcement: Nachomamma8 and I will be running in a coalition for moderation president called MiNacho; so, if you support either of us, go ahead and cast your votes for Nachomamma8.

MINA SUPPORTER:

You're giving in to a crazy, out of touch dictator!

NACHOMAMMA8 SUPPORTER:

You're selling out to the establishment!

Mina supporters and Nachomamma8supporters boo.

CooLDoG:

I have game-changing evidence here! I have hired a Real Actual Lawyer, who is here to present irrdisputable evidence that Majiffy cannot participate because he is banned! Titus, present the evidence!

TITUS:

For the seven days since the election began, I have been chained in CooLDoG's basement. I have not been allowed contact with family or friends or the outside world. In order to eat anything, I had to do lawyer stuff, whereas CooLDoG would feed me euphemistic foods and then cackle about it afterwards...

COOLDOG:

You lawyer scumbag! You've betrayed me! You loved my sausage and meatballs!

MAJIFFY:

CooLDoG and I are forming a coalition on the basis of both of us thinking that lawyers are scumbags. I know the feel, bro.

INFLATABLEPIE:

SUPPORT AND TOUCH THE SAUSAGE COALITION

MINA:

Don't you see these aren't the types of people we want running Mafiascum? Nacho and I, while we have our differences, both stand completely opposite those absolutely insane Dank Meme candidates! We will be able to create a better Mafiascum together. What would Zoraster and Thesp think of how these debates have devolved into nonsense fests? What would Mith think?

NACHOMAMMA8:

In the end, the establishment can be used as a tool of good; ultimately, these people haven't been placed in power for absolutely no reason at all. Yes, they've made mistakes, but we can fix them together.

Mina supporters and Nachomamma8 supporters boo.

COOLDOG:

In response, Majiffy and I have formed the perfect coalition name: Go Love Yourself.

ANIX:

In that case, InflatablePie and I will be forming a coalition as well on account of InflatablePie being the only person here not giving me sex eyes. He might not be asexual yet, but he is the only one of you who shows promise. We will be called AniX's Sexless Legion.

---

Zoraster follows the American Brick Road to a gigantic red, white, and blue warehouse that is blaring some strange gospel/techno music. He walks inside a side door, almost puking from the smell of alcohol as he almost stumbles over Thesp's motionless body. He frowned. He didn't realize how much he leaned on and relied on Thesp until this very moment where he had to face an insurmountable task without him, but he wouldn't try to wake him up and disturb him now. He'd earned his rest.

Zoraster walked onto the stage from behind, smiling as he watched the candidates arguing and gesturing with the tiny little American flag toothpicks Thesp loved so much.

INFLATABLEPIE:

ZORASTER. GO LOVE YOURSELF.

[Scummies]

ZORASTER:

So, as much as it pains me to do this, I'll have to take control of this election in order to speed it up a bit.

NACHOMAMMA8 SUPPORTER:

That's bullshit! The man is taking over! You can't quiet our voices!

ZORASTER:

Or, alternatively, I can leave and wake up Thesp on the way out and you all can deal with him. Not your preferred outcome? Wonderful. First of all, AniX and InflatablePie are being disqualified from the race. InflatablePie is a robot and hasn't expressed a single valid opinion since the election started, and Anix is an old enemy of Mith's; I am not allowing a third-party candidate to enter the race after candidates for both parties were already established. If you were interesting in running, you should have expressed that interest earlier.

CooLDoG, I understand that you'd like to enforce a mandatory wanking rule for all users with the prerequisite parts. My largest complaint with this plan is that it requires us to watch every user wank in order to ensure they are wanking, which is not something I can agree with; however, the support shows to you that there is a need that the masturbatory community requires and that isn't being met. As a result, I am willing to create a forum where you will be given full power to control; we will have no jurisdiction inside it, for we don't understand the needs of the masturbatory like you do. However, this forum will be completely optional; if our members wish to join, we cannot stop them. If they wish to leave, you cannot stop them.

Majiffy, I believe that the reason you have gained such support is because of your connection with banned users. As a result, I am putting you and Nacho in charge of the rehabilitation process of banned users and in charge of the banning process in general in addition to lifting your Mafia Game ban.

Nacho, I believe that spamming users are just as much a part of this site as any other user. However, I do acknowledge that there are players who truly dislike playing with spammers and their enjoyment of the game dies out; as a result, I'm willing to encourage "Post-Restricted Games" as a pilot, which will allow moderators to limit the number of posts consecutively and the number of posts in a day.

Mina, I believe you are an extremely talented organizer, extremely charismatic, and extremely persuasive. Unfortunately, that power is hugely dangerous in the wrong hands. For this reason, I will make you the Leader of the Moderating Team; however, if 2 of CooLDoG, Majiffy, or Nacho would like to veto any action that you make, they can do so. This power cannot be taken away from them by any means whatsoever; if you try anything, I will lawyer you so hard that you'll end up suing yourself for getting lawyered so hard.

A couple of defiant boos come from the crowd, but as a whole, the crowd is silent, thinking. Mina nods, extending her hand out and placing her palm to the ground. Nachomamma8, Majiffy, and CooLDoG all do the same. Zoraster smiles, placing his hand on top.

VOICE:

Target acquired. Banhammer agents, you are free to extract Majiffy from the premises.

Zoraster watches all of his hard work crumble before him as Banhammer Special Forces bust through the ceiling, causing the candidates to scatter in different directions and the crowd to push and trample each other in a vain attempt to escape the warehouse. Zoraster pulls out a badge and flashes it to the Banhammer group in front of him.

ZORASTER:

You have no jurisdiction here.

SINGERSIGNER:

Ha! Jurisdiction. I am Singersigner, Captain of the Banhammer Special Forces. There is nothing that can prevent us from extracting a banned target; there is no force or authority in the world that can stop the banhammer from coming down when it is called.

INFLATABLEPIE:

GO LOVE YOURSELF ZORASTER. ZORASTER GO LOVE YOURSELF. GO GO ZORASTER. ZORASTER LOVE ZORASTER.

ZORASTER:

I am an admin. In Mafiascum, my power is absolute; I'd rather not demonstrate it, but I've just reached a very, very tenuous peace that you are currently trampling all over, and you are leaving me no other choice. Majiffy is no longer a banned member of Mafiascum, and thus is breaking no law by being here.

SINGERSIGNER:

If you wish to break Majiffy's ban, you must rehabilitate him, which is something you're fully aware of. Once you go through the process, you can get Majiffy back, but until then, Banhammer creed is to extract the target no matter the target, no matter the cost. I plan to do exactly that.

ZORASTER:

Very well. Singersigner, you have been banned for trespassing private property, and for repeated harassment of a Mafiascum User.

Zoraster flattens his left palm and points it skyward, then taps it with a small rubber mallet he keeps in his pocket to make it official. The two Banhammer Special Agents backing Singersigner point their weapons on her.

SINGERSIGNER:

Zoraster... how could you... how could you do this to me?

QUADZ:

Singer, I am sorry... Target acquired...

GLORK:

Extracting target... Singer...

CAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW

[Scummies]

They say that right before you die, time slows down to the point of being frozen, that you see your whole life flash before you, every mistake you've ever made, every triumph you've ever experienced. Zoraster certainly felt this way; he saw what could only be Mith's eagle crashing through the middle of the ceiling, clearing everyone out of the way with its massive wings and landing in the center of the warehouse. He could see Mith dismounting from the eagle, holding his baby boy up his shoulder and holding a silver pen looking thing with a red light. Zoraster can't help but be drawn to the sight of mith, of the eagle, of that red light before a white flash takes over. That is the last thing he would remember.

Mith dismounted from his eagle, surveying the surrounding area for damage and injuries to see if a harder reset button needed to be used. Surprisingly enough, no one's injuries looked severe enough to the point where they would have to be hospitalized. Better than he expected, but not good enough.

MITH:

I knew they couldn't handle themselves. Do you see, Little Mith? If you want anything done right, you do it yourself. Mafiascum was never meant to be a democracy; I intended it to be a dictatorship from the start. When I cannot rule this forum with an iron fist anymore, you will take over. And then, your sons and daughter and then their sons and daughters, for this is the only way Mafiascum will survive.

LITTLE MITH:

Daddy! Look!

Thesp waves merrily, removing the sunglasses from his face and tossing them aside.

THESP:

So I suppose all that talk about "I would not have chosen them if I did not trust their decision-making and their desire to make this site a better place, and I fully expect that their roles will expand over time." was just a bunch of baloney, huh?

LITTLE MITH:

Daddy! It's the cool guys!

MITH:

I suppose I did underestimate you, Thesp. I was surprised at someone like you drinking themselves to a stupor, but then I saw how much alcohol you drank and then I couldn't imagine any other possibility.

THESP:

I had hoped as much; my little hacker friend exposed your surveillance camera network, which allowed me to trace them back to their original destinations. So, I knew that you were watching me the entire time, hence all the theatrics with drinking and sloppy painting and "passing out" just outside the range of your neuralyzer, with a pair of sunglasses in my coat as a backup in case I needed to get closer for whatever reason.

Mith smiles.

MITH:

You always were an excellent planner, Thesp. And I assume the hubbub about the democracy was just to show me how capable Zoraster is at handling all of the very very strong personalities on site, while the excessive American patriotism was bait for me to use Mastermind of Sin to crash the party, so you could predict the only reset button I had that was portable and could be transported on my eagle.

You two have certainly earned your places here. While it's true that I am not yet willing to let go control of the site quite yet, I do need time to show Little Mith the world, trained him in the ways that I've learned all over the world... so, until he is ready to conquer the world on his own, Mafiascum is yours. I hope that you will show the same wisdom, tact, and foresight when handling the site you demonstrated when handling me. Here is my neuralyzer. If you need to contact me in the future, I trust you will find a way.

Thesp nods, saluting Mith and his young child as Mastermind of Sin took them up and away into the sunset. Thesp addresses the hypnotized crowd before him.

THESP:

There never was an election for head of the moderation team. Instead, you all went to a gigantic party in a big warehouse, everyone got horrendously drunk, and you all got into a big brawl, then promised each other that you wouldn't tell anyone who you couldn't remember at the party about anything, and that the night you experienced together would be a night you would hold forever in your hearts but would never share with the world. Now, go home and sleep off that hangover.

Thesp now turns to Zoraster.

THESP:

Except for you. After your wife told you that she was pregnant, you went and woke up Thesp and cried in his arms for two hours before running outside of his door and singing Justin Bieber songs until his neighbors called the cops on you, forcing him to talk the cops out of arresting you and driving you home. He thinks you were drunk even though you weren't, although you'd really like to keep it that way.

Zoraster nods obediently as the rest of the crowd shuffles out of the warehouse and Thesp tucks the neuralyzer in his pocket. Thesp grins.

THESP:

Happy April Fool's Day, buddy.

[Scummies]

~THE END~

[RadiantCowbells]

ego

[Yarrrrgami]

Har! That be a fine ceremony there, it be bringin' tears to this old sea dog's good eye, it be~

[Heartless]

/pukes

[Cheetory6]

Mafiascum is great again.

[Firebringer]

I was award snubbed for Worst Player of the Year.
Maybe this Year I will win it....

Maybe.

[Firebringer]

Mafiascum is great again.

No it isn't!

[Spiffeh]

Marquis enjoy your 17 banners

[SirCakez]

That was p fantastic

[Varsoon]

<3
Do I get a cool banner like those people before me did, or is the pride only on the inside; like when I know I did the right thing by bringing that wallet to the police station even though I could've fed myself for weeks off that money?




Pic Related; It's a visual representation of my reaction to winning and seeing an actualized scummies ceremony.

[Untrod Tripod]

All the banners are mine

[I_Am_Not_Varsoon]

I disagree with exactly one of these results.

[Drixx]

Congratulations to all the winrars.

[Nahdia]

that there is a lot of words.

[Frozen Angel]

ego

[N]

He is singing the word "Democracy" (set to the tune of "O' Christmas Tree) to himself

oh great, now this is stuck in my head

[Glork]

Grats to winners! I'm glad MAFIACEPTION town won. I may be biased, but I definitely felt they deserved that one!

[Drixx]

<3
Do I get a cool banner like those people before me did, or is the pride only on the inside;

I hope so. My hope

totally

has nothing to do with the fact that Mafiaception won best town and I rocked that game. Nothing to do with that at all.