Scummer's advice, por favor...

[Candice]

I'm a little nervous about posting this, but I'm hoping to get some advice from some objective, smart and friendly people... And this place seems to be the best place for that.

My ex has called my cell three times today. This man is a lunatic. A bonifide nutcase. He put me through the worst hell I've ever experienced and I never want to have anything to do with him again. He knows this. I told him the last time we spoke, at the beginning of August.

I don't know what to do about this. I haven't answered at all. I can't afford to have his number blocked- I believe my carrier charges for out-of-local blocks. I don't have any kind of proof to get a restraining or protective order. Should I just ignore the calls? Tell my friends to call my home line for the time being and turn the thing off for a while? Answer next time and tell him to go the f away?

[halfpint]

Candice,

I am really sorry to hear about your troubles with your ex. As a person who also had

major

problems with her ex, I understand. I had to get a restraining order against him but I can't remember exactly what transpired as my parents helped me take care of it.

However, I looked up on the internet about how to file. It doesn't seem like you need that much proof. Things like documenting times that he called, getting a statement of exactly these occurences might be enough. That shouldn't be too hard to get from your cell phone provider. Also, if you can remember other things from your relationship--- times, places -- will help.

Here's a link that I think you might find useful.
Click Here

If this site doesn't give you enough advice or isn't what you're looking for, either continue to look on-line or call your local police station to ask them what is needed.

Hope this helps -- halfpint

[Candice]

Thank you, halfpint...

He was physically abusive once, the rest of the time it was mental. He certainly threatened at the end, but I wrote it off to him being angry. The only person who noticed the injury that once was the HR person at work, and I told her that it'd happened playing soccer with some friends. (I REALLY should have known better...) If need be I can come clean to her and ask for her help with it. I wrote down the times he called already, and will be going to my carrier if this keeps up. I have a timeline journal started of all the rotten things he did to me- a kind of catharsis, but could be useful...

I don't want to do this. He's a master manipulator and a professional victim. He had almost

everyone

in my life fooled right up until the end, including me. I couldn't keep the OFP against my OTHER ex, and that WAS physical. (Yeah, I sure know how to pick them, don't I? )

I'm hoping this will stop. I hope this doesn't become a big deal. But damn if I'm not scared it will be.

[halfpint]

Wow, that is bad. It sounds eerily familar though.

It's good that you are keeping a record of things ... it definitely could prove important and useful in the future. I guess in the meantime, try to stay clear of his phone calls. No contact with him is definitely the way to go (in my opinion). I remember my lawyer telling me not to have

any

contact with my ex.

Anyhow, if you ever want to pm me about things, feel free. I don't know how much I can help, but I'll offer up any thoughts I have.

[Cadmium]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Candice!

I've never experienced anything like this myself so maybe I'm not the right person to be giving advice here. But I think halfpint is right, stay away from his phone calls. Maybe those three calls were his only attempt to contact you. If he keeps on calling, I think you should try to change your phone number before getting a restraining order. I think that this should be your last resort. If this guy really is a master manipulator, you don't want to go through with all that again unless it's absolutely necessary.

I want to wish you the best with this situation and hope things turn out okay for you! Don't let them get to you, okay?

[jeep]

So he's not local? That's good. Change your number and never have contact with him again. If you see him, avoid him and get some place safe.

Second, you should seek counselling. If you have picked two abusive boyfriends, you are almost certainly giving off a victim vibe. There is a reason for that, and whatever that reason is- it needs to be addressed. (No, I'm not saying any of this is your fault, it certainly isn't. It's just good to deal with any issues while there is a professional to help you deal with things.)

I won't claim to be objective when it comes to abuse, though. Few things piss me off, but abuse does.

-JEEP

[Candice]

Thank you, guys... I agree, an RO should be an absolute last resort... Kinda relaxing now, because he hasn't called today. Hopefully he's gotten whatever he wanted in another way. It hadn't occured to me to change the number. I'll be checking into that this weekend.

I'm most definitely in counselling, jeep... Believe me, I'm very acutely aware that I need to get this taken care of. My one dealbreaker was physical abuse, and I STILL gave him a second chance, and having looked back, there was an incident at least once every month that a healthy person would have given him his walking papers for. I can't imagine now why I didn't do that.

Thank you, guys... I think now I probably overreacted, kinda embarassed by it... but getting the number changed will be how I go.

[Guest]

I think now I probably overreacted, kinda embarassed by it...

In cases of physical abuse, there is absolutely no such thing as an overreaction. Do whatever it takes to keep this guy out of your life. Change your number and avoid all contact with him. If he keeps trying to get in touch, call the police and ask for their advice. They're better at handling this stuff than us scummers.

[CaptainBlicero]

Sorry, didn't mean to anony-post. Good luck dealing with this, Candice!

[Dragon Slayer]

Sorry I don't have any good advice besides to do anything to keep him the hell away, but I really hope it all works out. Maybe if not the police, I'm sure there's some hotline or anonymous online thing you could do to ask for help.