Planet: MafiaScum 2 - Winter 2018

[Magua]

*squeal of feedback*

Is....is this thing on?

*tapping of microphone*

Ah, yes. Hello. My name is Urist McUrist, the, ah, uh, High Priest of Armok, God of Blood, and I would like to apologize for our experimentation with passing meteors and godhammers and so on and so forth. Didn't mean for that to happen, a bit of an accident, one of the underlings didn't convert between metric and imperial units. Common mistake, anyone could make it. Um. Yes. Another apology to the thousands of p...what? Millions? Millions? Are you sure? There's that many of them up there? Good gra...Ah. Ahem. Excuse me. Another apology to the millions of people killed. We're very dreadfully sorry.

Won't happen again. We're taking extreme precautions with the upcoming magma tests and there should be absolutely no difficulties.

Um.

Thank you.

[Magua]

His Holiness welcomes the nation of Swizzerland to the surface.

~Ambassador Tor'Kin, Face to the World

Oh, um, yes. Quite pleased to meet you all. Quite pleased. Very nice to meet you, and the rest of you, ah, uh, Mhorkers? Mhorkites? Mhorkians? Mhorkians. We look forward to, ah, uh, a long and prosperous time together, etcetera etcetera.

Chesstopia expresses concern over the "god of blood" part of this new nation

Oh my, um, we would love to talk to you at length about Armok. May we interest you in some convenient stone engravings extolling the virtues of Armok, God of Blood?

[Magua]

No but I would happily receive some private time with a few cute female...dedicated... missionaries

Ah, well, yes, um, there is the slight problem that, ah, with the beards and all, you see, it's quite impolite to ask if someone is male or female around these parts.

As it were.

But we would be, ah, happy to send you a random sampling of 12 individuals, which statistically should contain, ah, worst case scenario, at least two females.

---

In terms of other policy, it is my duty as Urist McUrist to announce Swizzerland's latest budget, to whit:

$3bln to increase mining of Rare Earth minerals:

Or, as we like to refer to it down here underneath the ground, "Looking underneath the couch." Ha ha, a joke.

$3bln to increase mining of Oil:

Ha ha ha, I'm still laughing over my knee splitting former joke. Ahem. Excuse me. No, this is referred to as "Digging a hole." Ha ha, such a comedian.

$3bln to increase our industrial technology:

We've heard great things about these "mining carts" you all have, and would like to incorporate them into our holdings.

Due to the recent allegations of our neighboring country, we are unfortunately required to divert resources into national defense. To whit:

$0.5bln to train soldiers

$0.5bln to devise and put in place fortifications

: Cage traps, spear traps, spinning whirling blade traps, etcetera.

---

Allow me to reiterate at this point that the politics of your overland civilizations are of no concern to us as long as it does not affect us. We remain neutral in this as in all things.

[Magua]

As we are capable of reading the transmissions that blanket the planet, um, we are fully aware of it. We also, ah, are not concerned until such time as, ah, the Mushroom Kingdom has shown that it can't be trusted. Open arms, and, ah, all that.

[Magua]

Or, to redundantly elaborate, if you'd permit me, we are not particularly worried about the country that is actually publicly telling us it is spending a lot of money on espionage.

[Magua]

Urist McUrist, the council feels that we have a mutual interest in questionable underground architecture, booze, and magma induced fun.

Would you like an alliance between our two great nations?

Oh, how sweet of you!

We welcome, of course, Orthellians and their great contributions to literature, art, and of course, beer. How noble etcetera etcetera.

Regrettably we feel that an alliance would undermine our stated neutrality in the affairs of the surface world.

However, we are eager and willing to engage in some sort of trading pact or research pact with Orthel to both of our country's mutual benefits. We have many craftgoods carved from rock for sale!

[Magua]

Who's with me to ignore the entire Mhorkism issue at hand?

Allow me to reiterate at this point that the politics of your overland civilizations are of no concern to us as long as it does not affect us. We remain neutral in this as in all things.

---

In other news,

Swizzerland accepts the research pact with Orthel

.

May we, ah, lead as an example of the mutual cooperation that can occur between countries, instead of, er, other...things.

[Magua]

Let it be said, ah, that even though we don't pay too much attention to the outside world, the pundits in Swizzerland are all atwitter over these latest developments. We look forward to seeing what happens upun the new President's arrival. Hopefully, it can be met with, ah, punderous applause.

[Magua]

President Puntin, with all, ah, due respect, we feel that the amount of space you put around some of your words is pauseitively too much.

[Magua]

DiplomatDC, we would be, ah, ever so grateful if you could produce a small report of how much you're actually going to spending into our research pact.

[Magua]

Right you are. We, ah, apologize, we got you confused with SalmonellaDreams.

(All of you surface dwellers look very similar to us.)

So, Salmonella...

[Magua]

Oh, ahem, pardon us for, um, interrupting.

$3bln on Magma power plant research

(read: industry)

$3bln on improvements to rare earth mineral mining

$3bln on improvements in oil mining

$1bln on improvements to healthcare

---

Apparently, there are some decrees and whatnot that I'm being told to give as Mayor.

Decree the first is to affirm with, ah, Orthel, that starting next season both of us will contribute $1bln per season to our mutual endeavors in booze, underground architecture, and magma-induced fun.

Decree the second is that we want to make it plainly clear that if there is an enemy agent found within our borders, we consider it our every right to, ahem, beat him, whip him, hammer him, feed him to the carp in our rivers, toss him off of huge towers erected solely for the purpose of tossing people off, slam drawbridges on him, drown him, etcetera etcetera etcetera. All praise Armok!

Decree the third is that we will not get involved in this overland conflict.

Decree the fourth is that, while we understand beneficence of chesskid's orgy gesture, we, ah, have work to do.

[Magua]

$1bln on research pact with Orthel

$2bln on espionage

- Living underground, we just need to listen very, very carefully to the vibrations, you see.

$1bln on healthcare

$3bln on industry

$1.5bln on improved oil mining

$1.5bln on improved rare earth mining

[Magua]

AH HEM. Why are you openly spending money on

that

?!

Ahem. Are you saying you would prefer that we spend it in a hidden fashion?

Or, ahem, are you saying you would prefer that we spend it on engines of death like you?

[Magua]

I, ahem, wish to ask the good and fine (if non-subterranean) people of Orthel if they wish to widen the breadth of our research pact. We have many poor scientists here in Swizzerland, destitute and hungry on the

street

hallway floor from lack of work.

In the meantime:

$1bln on research pact with Orthel

$2bln on industry

$2bln on education

$2bln on healthcare

$2bln on oil extraction

$2bln on rare earth mineral extraction

And

$1bln to begin the genetic sequencing and breeding, with the end result being the perfect servant-race: molemen

(They called me mad at the Univeristy. Me? Mad! Bwahahaha! I'll show them...)

[Magua]

$1bln to begin the genetic sequencing and breeding, with the end result being the perfect servant-race: molemen

Please tell me you sequenced them to not have emotions, buddy, like with our soldiers.

Swabblewash. We want them to have emotions. The joy of following orders. The contentment of having been of use to their masters. The fear of having angered the masters.

Etcetera etcetera.

[Magua]

So you're basically breeding more intelligent dogs? Will you be using human/dorf DNA/test subjects?

We do not think of it as, ahem, breeding more intelligent dogs. We think of it as, ah, um, bringing intelligence to the mole people. In forms that the surface world may think of as dogs. If they'd like. Yes.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Dorf test subjects. Of course we will be using dorf test subjects. Anything else would be inefficient. Ahem.

[Magua]

But aren't you the least concerned about the ethical dilemma of using human, or dorf, subjects? The pain and strife you shall commit?

It's all more than counterbalanced by the good done in the name of Armok, God of War, is it not?

I mean, if you take the long view, the sacrifice of a single dorf this year can have saved the live of tens of quintillion dorfs a million years down the line. Exponential equations, I am told. And if you are asking me the choice between one dorf and ten quintillion dorfs, I would have no choice but to side with the ten quintillion.

High Chancellor, would you be interested in working collaboratively to create the first true Artificial Intelligence?

It should also be noted that we here in Swizzerland are very interested in this field of research as well. Granted, our current computers are somewhat bulky and cumbersome, being water-and-pressure-plate-based, but we're working out the kinks as we go and find it simply a fascinating prospect. Just wanted to interject that into our little ethical debate.

[Magua]

However if you would cease your testing on live dorfs

But dead dorfs are so much harder to perform the proper experiments on.

Now, ahem, I am not well versed in Mhorkishness, but if your creator or deity or supreme being or whatnot did not want us to die, why are we mortal?

We here in Swizzerland understand that dying in these experiments is a great sacrifice one can give to Armok, God of Blood. Those who don't realize this are obviously not true dorfs and so deserving of death.

It's all very simple.

[Magua]

Swizzerland supports the motion that active countries should at least have to post a budget in the thread each week.

[Magua]

$3bln into research pact with Orthel
$3bln into counter-intelligience / espionage defense
$4bln into healthcare

[Magua]

We weren't aware we had any competition in that regard.

[Magua]

Erm... yeah, sorry :X

Several of our leading dorf psychiatrists find you to be so deeply interesting.

Ahem. Thought you should know.

They'd love to talk to you for a bit, dive into your, ah, beliefs, and ethics, and whatnot.

[Magua]

Anyway, they have been taught to love to work for their masters huh? I am sure that if one day they find out about the life outside their nation, they are bound to wonder why on earth their life seems much more confined to their own.

We are, ahem, in the early stages, so this is all proposals and, ah, pipe dreams, but.

Taught? No. That's not the idea. The idea will be, much like the moles of myth and legend, that they will love work for its own sake. Curiosity, wonder, boredom, these are warts that will not disfigure the glorious molemen faces. They shall not want, but will live lives of pure contentment.

[Magua]

How do you plan to ensure they do not feel these wants even when exposed to the outside world?

The same way we do anything. Iterative releases. I'm not a bioengineer, you understand, but I'm assured that there are many possible avenues of approach.

[Magua]

This is our shocked face.

[Magua]

$3bln into the research pact with Orthel
$3bln into counterspionage
$3bln into healthcare
$2bln into the moleman-servant-race project
$3bln into industry

We are also, ah, interested in seeing exactly what Elybria is intending to do with its war footing.

[Magua]

We approve of drama in the warm embrace of Gazebo's crust.

The only question is, who is drama going to, ah, stab?

[Magua]

Attempt to negotiate landing/seizure of the aircraft. If that fails, shoot it down.

There are no warnings given ahead of time to unannounced aircraft. It is ordered to land and be seized, and either complies, is shot down, or evades to outside of Swizzerland.

[Magua]

If I didn't want to give you a warning, I would have PMed the mods instead rather than informing you in the thread, right?

Maybe this is a surface metaphor. We have no idea what you're trying to communicate.

If aircraft enter our airspace without permission, we will either capture it or shoot it down.

[Magua]

It is ordered to land and be seized, and either complies, is shot down, or evades to outside of Swizzerland.

[Magua]

$3bln into the research pact with Orthel
$3bln into counterspionage
$3bln into healthcare
$2bln into the moleman-servant-race project
$3bln into industry

[Magua]

We understand that dorfs are not the best of accountants. However, we are curious as to why we have negative $1.4bln.

[Magua]

We do not let having negative $1.4bln stop us from giving Mechanica Terram the opportunity to have the same fun experience we had:

$0.1bln to send two unmanned reconnaisance UAVs over Mechanica Terram

Both UAVs will have signatures of all dorfs involved in their construction graffiti'd on the exterior.

[Magua]

Spend on the UAVs anyways!

[Magua]

[Magua]

We take offense to being referred to as "Dishonest" in the Mhorkian rankings. We have never been anything but completely honest.

We demand that our adjective be changed from "Dishonest" immediately. We will accept "Immoral", "Callous", "Cruel", "Bloodthirsty", etc, etc, etc as suitable alternatives.

Also:

(VIDEO) Your government's leader in bed with chesskid (NSFW)

[Magua]

*static*

"You also received the email detailing Elybria and Chesstopia's correspondence with regard to starting a war?"

~Mr. Din'Finaci

Yes. And then we purchased several pills to enhance, ahem, growth.

[Magua]

Run an IP trace on the email

[Magua]

We don't see why you all are making such a big deal about any religions besides the one true one, being Armok, God of Blood.

Jesu--oops, almost got us there.

[Magua]

This pleases Armok.

We congratulate Mechanica Terram as a worthy and formidable opponent, and wish them the best with their upcoming war(s).

[Magua]

Oh, we should note that we're

very

interested in talking with the mysterious cloaked figure who provided such insightful feeds for our presentation, and would like to work towards an ongoing media partnership.

[Magua]

Based on the above, Chess and Ani are at war with Mech Terram (remind me who that is again?)

Er Swizzerland. Sorry.

We find your lack of reading comprehension....disturbing.

[Magua]

Mr. Din'Finaci, we continue to insist that you change Swizzerland's label on the Mhorkian Chart of Uber-Importance, as we have never been dishonest.

Allow us to recommend "Callous."

Swizzerland (Magua) trolled Mechanica Terram (Diplomat).

Trolling?

We were just attempting to start a new era of nationalistic friendly competition!

[Magua]

Retaliate with the full force of Chesstopia, etc

Will this include your other 48 missiles?

Just out of idle curiosity.

[Magua]

You are saying that you, the Face of the Mhorkism on Gazebo, have absolutely no control over a list entitled "The Most Mhorkish Nations"?

[Magua]

Oh, and to the people of Swizzerland: Everyone here knows that the gamers, especially the best ones, are not exactly capable of using such technology to utilize defenses at such quick speeds.

~Swiftwolf Pinktail, Keravika's best technician

We only hope that at some point we will be capable of parsing out what you're trying to convey here.

[Magua]

It's quite simple. You made a rather obvious sacrifice to your god of your best players, as you seem to not care much about the gaming industry. (Then again, these games aren't exactly the best out there...)

~Swiftwolf Pinktail, Keravika's best technician

We care deeply about all of our industries. That is why we pursue survival of the fittest with such fervor. When faced with failure, we sacrifice the failures to Armok to ensure a better tomorrow.

It's all very scientific.

You see.

[Magua]

the Elybrian ones were more indiscriminate, hitting several cities.

While we remain neutral in this as in all surface matters, we're willing to predict the first country to be forcefully exited from Gazebo...

[Magua]

Makes quite a lot of sense to me. However, you seemed to purposely have selected the top gamers to take care of a task that none of them were clearly capable of doing.

Er, yes? And that's why they were sacrificed.

Eventually, we'll be blessed by Armok with some who are capable of flying their UAVs through missile clouds and fleets of fighters on search and destroy missions.[1]

That's progress.

Until then, the Tower of Justice, etc.

[1] Well, assuming that Mechanica Terram survives the current brouhaha.

[Magua]

$3bln into research pact with Orthel

$3bln into healthcare

$2bln into counter-espionage

$2bln into moleman servitor project

$0.1bln for making nightly television entertainment out of footage on the conflict

- Anything we can get on our own, of course, but also for

bribing

paying for footage may have. Happy to use propaganda pieces from both sides, if available.

[Magua]

Pay $1bln to mods to care about the game

[Magua]

We care, it's just that last period I had time to be on in the afternoon several days a week so we could do events then and updates on the weekends. Now I'm only available when it's already 4-5AM in Australia during the week, pushing events to weekends and leaving no time for updates.
(before you ask, we realised quickly that on any given week each of us makes about a dozen mistakes, so updating without comparing notes is a bad idea)

I understand that.

However, counterpoint:
Turn 10 started November 23rd, over two weeks ago.
Turn 9 started November 3rd, over five weeks ago.

And there's no communication from the mods about when we can or should expect Turn 11.

[Magua]

Pay $1bln to mods to care about the game

[Magua]

More interested in what effects the war is having (eg, are there birds in the air).

[Magua]

$3bln into research pact with Orthel
$3bln into healthcare
$2bln into counter-espionage
$2bln into moleman servitor project
$0.1bln for making nightly television entertainment out of footage on the conflict

- Anything we can get on our own, of course, but also for bribing paying for footage may have. Happy to use propaganda pieces from both sides, if available.

The following is also broadcast:

*ahem*

*cough*

*clears throat*

Oh, this is on? Can we rewi...live?

You're sure?

Um.

Ok.

*clears throat again*

Greetings, Gazebo...Gazebors? Gazebonians? I'm not a linguist, what shoul...live? Oh, yes.

*coughs*

Greetings, people of Gazebo. We, ahem, here in Swizzerland are aware of the overland conflict currently in progress, which is undisputedly, er, fascinating. We extend our...um...emotions?...to people disadvantaged by the conflict.

If you are one of those disadvantaged by the ongoing hostilities, rejoice! Swizzerland has begun three new exciting projects in the field of immigration!

First, if you possess a college or university degree in engineering, physics, chemistry, biology, computer science, statistics, etcetera, we welcome you to Swizzerland under our Scientists Without Borders program!

Secondly, if you possess liquid wealth in excess of 100,000 Swizzerland dollars, we'll gladly accept you under our new expedited We Like Rich People program!

But for those who do not qualify for either the first or second program, do not fret! We will accept literally anyone into our Volunteer Moleman Servitor Program!

Remember: Keep the bombs away, sign up today!

[Magua]

25% into industry
25% into healthcare
25% into research pact with Orthel
12.5% into counterespionage
12.5% into moleman servitor project

[Magua]

Mods are playing because lolwhynot.

[Magua]

Well if you guys don't create drama someone has to.

Everyone who creates drama is punished. Those who do not create drama are not punished. Ergo...

[Magua]

25% into industry
25% into healthcare
12.5% into rare earth mining
12.5% into oil mining
12.5% into research pact with Orthel
12.5% into moleman servitor project

[Magua]

Stuff's happening!

@Salmonella:

Are you contributing to our research this turn, y/n? Inquiring minds want to know.

[Magua]

25% into industry
25% into healthcare
12.5% into rare earth mining
12.5% into oil mining
12.5% into research pact with Orthel
12.5% into moleman servitor project

[Magua]

Release the molepeople!